The Road To Forgiveness

by Justine Elvira

Chapter Four

  “Rise and shine,” I say brightly as I place a kiss on his forehead.

  Miles was slowly starting to stir from his deep sleep. His rocket ship bedding was pushed to the foot of the bed, where his head currently was. He had one leg hanging over the side of his twin bed and the other leg bent to his stomach.

  “I thought Charlie was getting me off to school,” Miles says groggily.

  “No buddy, I’m going to be taking you to school. I didn’t go to my meeting. I want to spend time with you.”

  Miles smiles at me and gets up out of bed. We go into the kitchen and eat breakfast. Miles is in a great mood as he finishes his breakfast and gets ready for school.

  Suddenly we’re in the car, cruising down the main road in town. I have Led Zeppelin cranking from the radio while Miles sings along.

  “Mommy, where do we go when we die?” Miles asks me.

  “We go to heaven, baby, but you don’t have to worry about that.”

  I smile at him and squeeze his knee.

  “But I’m going to die, Mom.”

  I look at him curiously wondering why he is saying this. Yet somewhere deep inside I know he is supposed to be dead.

  “Don’t say that, baby. You’re not going to die. You’re going to live a long and happy life.”

  “I am going to die, mom. I’m dead already.”

  Suddenly I hear a car horn. My head snaps up to the road, just as a man in a truck sideswipes my car. My car flips over and I hear a faint screaming in the background. I look over to Miles and he is lying limp in his seat, covered in his blood.

  “Miles? Miles, baby.” I unbuckle my seat belt and lean over him. I start to shake his body with no reaction. His body is cold and lifeless.

  I start trembling and crying, “No baby, no. You’re okay. I drove you to school today so you’re supposed to be okay. Wake up buddy. Please, wake up.”

  My body shoots up out of bed. I’m covered in sweat, my head hurts and my whole body is shaking.

  I had a nightmare.

  I look over to see Sebastian hovering over me in bed. He looks concerned as he is lightly caressing my arm. I don’t want him to say anything. I don’t want to relive my dream. Before I can think it through, I sit up and turn to Sebastian. I push him down so he is lying on his back, on the bed, and I move over him so I’m straddling his hips.

  I lean down and kiss him hard on the lips. I need this escape. I need the distraction from reality. Sebastian is the only thing that will give me the distraction I need.

  He kisses me back tentatively, so I kiss him harder. I shove my tongue in his mouth and pull it out slowly as I gently bite his lip.

  This gets him going. He starts kissing me back more urgently as I grind my hips into his. I feel his cock stirring to life underneath me and it feels so good.

  I release my lips from his as I sit up and pull my sweater over my head. I’m still in the same clothes from the day before. His hands squeeze my hips and then slowly make their way up my back. Once he reached my bra, he unclasps the fastening and pulls it off of me.

  I continue to dry hump him as his hands move to grab my breasts. When he covers my breasts with his hands and squeezes gently, my head goes back and I let out a moan. I lift my head back up and look him in his beautiful blue eyes. God I’ve missed those eyes.

  His need for me increases as he lifts me by my ass and flips us over. I’m on my back on the bed and he is in instantly between my legs. Our lips reconnect as my hands move under the backside of his shirt. I can feel his tight muscles as he moves over me. I get his shirt off in record time as his lips move to my neck. I feel high. Like I’m on top of the world right now and nothing can make me fall.

  His lips move to my collarbone as he place gentle open mouth kisses from one shoulder to the other. Then his mouth lowers to my breasts as his tongue gently licks my nipples. He has me so turned on and my nipples are harder then they’ve ever been.

  His right hand lowers to the top of my jeans as he unbuttons them and slide the zipper down. I lift my hips so that he can remove my jeans easily. He tosses them to the floor as he kneels between my legs. His eyes drift up and down my body. The only thing covering me is the red lace thong I have on. His eyelids are heavy with lust as his tongue darts out to lick his bottom lips. It’s completely erotic and makes my panties wetter then they already are.

  His palms grab each one of my ankles and then slowly drift up my body, past my calves, over my knees, and up the inside of my thighs. When he reaches as far as he can go, he brings his fingers to the edge of my panties. His fingers lightly trace the edge of my panties before he slips his fingers underneath them and his thumb finds my clit. He slowly begins to rub me as my head goes back against the mattress.

  His body moves over mine as his other hand moves to my chin. I’m having a hard time breathing as the ache starts to build in my core. His lips brush against mine as his hand moves to the back of my neck, keeping our mouths together.

  It feels so good. I can feel the inevitable orgasm getting closer and closer but I want more. I want him inside me. I want to feel him thrusting is hard cock in me, never letting me go. I want to feel him inside me as I clench around him in release.

  I move my mouth from his and whisper in his ear, “I need you now. I want you inside me. Please…”

  His thumb moves faster on me as two of his fingers push into my pussy.

  “Sebastian,” I moan. I can no longer control my body’s reaction. I start riding his fingers, searching for my release. I’m about to explode at any second.

  All of a sudden I become light headed and not because I’m about to come. My nausea is back with a vengeance. I need to get up and run to the bathroom. The toilet is becoming my porcelain best friend. I push him off me and hop out of bed, running towards the bathroom.

  I don’t have time to close the door me before I’m lifting up the seat and dry heaving in his toilet. Sebastian comes up behind me and pulls my hair back as I continue to vomit. I haven’t eaten since yesterday’s lunch, so there isn’t much more my stomach can take.

  When I finally feel like my head can leave it’s new place of residence, I move to stand up. Sebastian is right behind me guiding me to the sink. I wash my mouth out with water as Sebastian hands me his toothbrush.

  “Here, you’ll feel better once your mouth is clean.”

  I don’t hesitate in taking it as I give Sebastian an apologetic look. I brush my teeth and grab a towel to cover my semi-naked body. When I walk out of the bathroom, Sebastian is sitting on the bed looking over the room service menu.

  I walk over and sit next to him on the bed.

  “I’m sorry for ruining the mood,” I say with my eyes looking down at my feet.

  Sebastian puts the menu on the bed and turns to face me. I look up into his eyes and am lost in them. He has a way of making me forget everything.

  “Don’t be sorry, you’re still not feeling well. I’m just sorry I didn’t get a chance to make you come.”

  I feel my face start to overheat and I know I’m blushing. “Another time, I guess.”

  “You can count on that,” he says with his signature smirk. “Are you hungry? You should eat something to settle your stomach.”

  He hands the menu over to me and I look over my choices. Nothing sounds appetizing so I close the menu and hand it back to him.

  “Can you see if they have some crackers and ginger-ale? I think that might help settle my stomach.” I pray he doesn’t read too much into that request. Lucky for me, he doesn’t question it as he grabs the phone on the nightstand and calls down to room service.

  Twenty minutes later I am sitting on the bed, my back against a stack of pillows, eating saltines and sipping on my soda. Sebastian is eating a breakfast of a ham and cheese egg white omelet, fresh fruit, and orange juice. We briefly fight for control of the remote but I win the battle. Sebastian says its because he can’t say no to me.

  So we are sitting here, eating our food and enjoyin
g the comfortable silence, when Sebastian’s asks me a question I don’t want to answer.

  “You look a little better. Can we talk about whatever was in your nightmare?”

  No we can’t because you’ll think I’m crazy and I just can’t handle that kind of reaction right now. My hormones can’t take it.

  “I don’t remember. I’m not even sure it was a nightmare,” I say, as my eyes never leave the television. I can feel his eyes on me but I’m determined not to look at him.

  “Bullshit. You know what you were dreaming about and it completely terrified you. You were screaming your son’s name. You woke up shaking and sweating. If you don’t want to talk about it, then fine, but don’t lie to me. I never lie to you so I expect the same courtesy.”

  His fifteen-second rant makes me feel like a little girl who just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

  “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just not in the mood to talk about it yet. Besides, you helped me get past it… I was really enjoying the distraction.

  His voice becomes gentler. “That’s just it. It was a distraction. You may not want to talk to me but you need to talk to someone. They can help you get through this honey.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to get through this. Maybe I need the constant reminders, every day, so that I know I failed. So that I remember to never allow anything like this to happen again. You don’t know. You weren’t there. You’ve never had a child who died; so don’t tell me what I have to do. I’m doing just fine.”

  “You’re right,” he replies as he stands from the bed, putting his breakfast on the room service cart. “I’ve never had a child so I don’t know what its like, but I do know one thing. You’re not living. You’re perfectly content with being a hermit who relives all the horrible thing in her life over and over again. That’s not healthy and I can’t watch you do it.”

  Can’t watch me do it? Has he completely gone crazy because I never asked him to watch me do it. My anger starts to build from deep within my body. By the time I speak, I am completely unreasonable.

  “Can’t watch me do it? I never asked you to watch me do it! If I remember correctly, I left you. I didn’t call or text or leave a damn note. I left you and never planned on seeing you again so don’t tell me you can’t watch me do it. I don’t want you to watch me do it. I want you to leave town and never come back.”

  His face-hardens as he takes a few steps towards me until our bodies are just inches apart. “You sure didn’t seem like you never wanted to see me again when an hour ago, you were letting me finger fuck you and panting my name. When you grabbed hold of my shirt and couldn’t get it off fast enough. When you jumped me and started grinding your pussy against my dick. If that’s you wanting to never see me again, then I’m dying to see what you’ll do when you actually want me.”

  He was right. I was giving him mixed signals. Actually the signals were spot on; it was the information that came out of my mouth that was confusing. My body wants him, my mind wants him and my heart wants him. The problem is that I won’t allow myself to have him.

  Neither of us moves nor speaks. My heart is racing and I can feel adrenaline rushing through my veins from being so worked up. My breathing is getting more erratic instead of steady and I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I start to feel tingles, and not the good kind, running down my arms.

  “You don’t look so good. Maybe you should sit down.” I hear the words but I can’t comprehend them. Sebastian is moving towards me as my vision starts to blur. I’m seeing two of him now.

  I must be in heaven. That’s the only way God would allow two of this perfect man to exist.

  He was moving me towards the bed as the room starts to spin and my body falls face first into the pillow.

  *****

  All I can see is white. A bright light is shining down in to each of my eyes as a strange old man hovers over me with a small light. I can hear Sebastian’s voice off in the distance along with my mother’s and Jonathon’s. I’m dizzy, confused, and wondering where the hell I am.

  The old man moves the light out of my eyes as he brings a stethoscope to my chest.

  A doctor. He must be a doctor. Why was I with a doctor?

  My head is pounding and my hands instinctively move to touch my forehead. That’s when I noticed the small tubes coming out of my arm and the hospital wristband around my wrist. My mouth is dry and I need something to drink. I also need to know why I am in the hospital.

  “I’m thirsty,” I croak to the doctor in front of me.

  “I’ll have the nurse bring you some water to drink. How are you feeling?”

  How was I feeling? Confused, scared, wondering what the hell happened.

  “I’m okay. I have a headache though,” I say as I see the curtain open in front of me. In walks Sebastian followed by my mother and Jonathon. Sebastian rushes to my side and starts to caress my hair.

  “Thank God you’re awake. You scared the shit out of me. One minute we’re talking and the next minute you’re passed out in my arms on the bed.”

  I look into his eyes and see concern pouring through them. He is worried about me. I glance over to my mother who is looking adorably at Sebastian and then Jonathon who is smirking at me. Enjoying every minute of the show, I’m sure.

  “I’m okay. I don’t know why I passed out but I’ll be fine. How long have I been out?” I ask. It feels like I was just arguing with him a few minutes ago.

  “It’s three in the afternoon. We’ve been here for seven hours,” Sebastian says as he moves his mouth to gently kiss my forehead before he continues to caress my hair.

  “Yeah, baby girl. Sebastian called me from the ambulance. Scared me half to death. First, you don’t come home and don’t call, and then I’m getting a call the next morning saying you past out and are on your way to the hospital. I can’t handle this kind of drama. You need to take better care of yourself… and it wouldn’t hurt to give me a call and let me know when you aren’t coming home.” He lifts his palms in defense to me, “I’m just saying.”

  I laugh at this but the movement causes a sharp pain in my head. I shoot another look to my mother. She looks relieved but scared at the same time.

  “How are you, Momma? I hope I didn’t scare you too much.”

  “Oh, darling, I wasn’t too scared. I knew you would be okay. It’s just hard to be here, at this hospital, that’s all.” She looks defeated. She was fighting some demons, the same ones I was fighting.

  I was lying in County, the only hospital within a reasonable distance from where we lived. The hospital where Miles was announced dead.

  “I’m sorry. I really am but I’m fine, I swear. We’ll be out of here as soon as you know it. Isn’t that right, Doctor?” The old man is writing on my chart and he looks up sharply as I call for him.

  “It’s Doctor Reynolds and that’s half true. You should be able to leave today but you are not fine. Would you like to speak in private or is it okay to talk in front of everyone here?”

  Shit. What could be wrong with me? I want to kick everyone out but I know my mother won’t leave without a fight, Jonathon will want to stay just to be dramatic, and Sebastian won’t leave if everyone else gets to stay.

  Without thinking, I nod my head in encouragement for the doctor to continue. The fact that I’m pregnant doesn’t even cross my mind. It never occurs to me that this could have anything to do with the pregnancy.

  “I ran some tests and did some blood work and it looks like you are in the early stages of toxemia. Your blood pressure is high and you are showing high levels of protein in your urine. It’s still a little early to tell. You’re what, eight or nine weeks along? We’ll have to continue monitoring you but I am going to ask you to stay in bed until you see me next. Bed rest is the best way to get control of this thing before it gets worse. We’ll monitor you and take you off bed rest if everything goes well.”

  Oh, no. Oh no, Oh no, Oh no.

  This has to do wi
th the baby. The baby that was supposed to be kept a secret. The baby, which my mother and Sebastian didn’t know about.

  Maybe they didn’t catch it. Sebastian won’t know what toxemia is and my mother is such a mess it could be possible she didn’t put it together. I look up and see my mother’s expression. She knows.

  Fuck.

  I look over to Sebastian and my worst fears are confirmed. He knows… and he looks pissed.

  The doctor continues to speak but I don’t hear any of it. My eyes are locked on Sebastian’s. The intensity from his stare is almost too much to take but I can’t turn away. Its like I am bound by his blue eyes and won’t be released until he looks away. I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure I could speak even if I wanted too. This changes everything.

  “Do you think you can do that, Ms. Dechino?”

  The trance is broken as Sebastian and I both look to Dr. Reynolds.

  “Huh?” I ask because I didn’t catch what he said the first time.

  “Do you think you can handle being on bed rest for the next two weeks? I can see you the day after Christmas but you need to stay in bed until I do. I’ll have a nurse come in with instructions on your care but I can only release you if you promise to follow the treatment plan and stay off your feet.”

  Before I can even answer him Sebastian is talking.

  “She will do whatever you say, Doctor. I want to take all precautions when it comes to my baby. I’ll make sure she follows your orders.”

  Sebastian exaggerated the MY, in my baby. I watch him as he continues to talk with the doctor. To everyone else in the room he seems like a concerned father. I’m sure he is concerned but I can also feel the chill in the room. The chill that is coming from the man beside me.

  The doctor leaves the room as the nurse walks in and starts to remove the IV and tubes from my arm. She hands my mother paperwork to fill out and Sebastian asks her a few questions before she dismisses us and leaves the room.

  No one has spoken since the doctor left the room so I am thankful when Jonathon breaks the silence.