This I Promise You

by Tressa Messenger

  As soon as I closed the door, I leaned my back against the wooden surface and took my cell phone out of my pocket. With shaky fingers I dialed a number. I held my breath as it rang.

  Hello?

  “Dawn, I need you.”

  Nicky? What’s wrong? You sound strange!

  “Will you please come?”

  Where are you, she asks, now very alert.

  “I’m at the beach cottage. Please come quickly. I can’t do this alone.”

  I’ll be there as soon as I can.

  I hung up my phone and let it fall to the old weathered hardwood floor. As if my legs had finally had enough, I slid to the floor with my back pressed against the door and cried far beyond the point of not being able to cry any more.

  Fifteen

  I felt the warm sun beating on my eyelids, streaming in through the open shutters of the big bay window. My mom did not believe in curtains, not when there was such serene scenery all around. I put my hand over my face to block the offensive light and cracked my eyes open into puffy little slits. I turned my head away from the direction of the light, only to realize that I was laying on the hard wooden floor in front of the front door in the living room. I sat up and stared at the room around me, as if I’d never been here before. My head hurt with a pulsating ache and I felt numb, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I stood up with all the energy I could muster and braced myself against anything I could hold onto while I walked to the bathroom. I put my hands on the edge of the porcelain sink and looked up. I stared at myself in the mirror. I leaned in closer and cocked my head to the side as I studied the person staring back at me. I looked so unfamiliar, even to myself. My eyes were red and puffy, almost looking like they weren’t even open. The once perfect black mascara was smudged all around my eyes and down my cheeks and my flawless blonde ponytail was now loosened with chunks of hair frizzed out on the sides. I splashed some cold water on my face, hoping it would help my horrid reflection, but it only turned my already pale face into an odd shade of gray.

  “Nicky?” I heard Dawn yell from the living room and then the front door slammed shut.

  “Yeah, I’m back here,” I told her in an unfamiliar voice that sounded distant. I rubbed the dark make-up off my face and re-tied my ponytail with a band.

  I frowned at my reflection and then left the bathroom. As soon as I walked into the living room, Dawn dropped her bag and rushed up to me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me close, then pulled me out to arm’s length and looked me up and down. “What’s wrong? What happened? I’m sorry I couldn’t get here any sooner. I had to wait for the sitter.”

  “He’s gone,” I whispered, the numbness fading as emotions began to burn through me at the sound of the words coming out of my mouth.

  “Who, Russell? Where did he go?” she asked, looking around.

  “No, Jeremy.”

  “Jeremy?” she asked me confused. “What about Jeremy? And where is Russell?”

  I shook my head back and forth, beginning to feel frustrated. “He’s dead. He’s dead and it’s all my fault,” I said, tears pouring out of me again. My breathing became strangled. I was shaking all over, gasping for air and feeling dizzy. All I wanted to do was wake up from this horrible nightmare.

  Dawn took her hands off my shoulders and put them over her mouth to stifle a gasp, but then grabbed my hand and quickly ushered me to the couch.

  “Nicky, you need to tell me exactly what happened,” she said.

  I took a few ragged breaths and began to speak. “I broke up with Russell yesterday.”

  “You broke up with Russell? Why?”

  I shrugged my shoulders sadly, “Because I didn’t love him and I knew I never would. It finally dawned on me after five years of being away what I had to do.”

  “What did you have to do?” she whispered.

  “I had to find Jeremy.”

  She cocked her head to the side as she stared at me. “And did you?”

  I shook my head. “Jeremy died, Dawn,” I said, barely in a whisper.

  Dawn sat back and stared at me, feeling the weight of the blow of what I had just said. “Oh Nicky! Are you sure? Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe whoever told you that was confused,” she said hopefully.

  I shook my head again and whispered quietly, “I went to his parents’ house yesterday and his mom told me.”

  Dawn shook her head back and forth. We had all become very close during those summers here, she and I more so than anyone else. I knew Jeremy, Brandon, and Mary’s deaths would impact her as well. “When? What happened?”

  “The summer after I left for college, Jeremy, Mary, and Brandon were in a really bad car accident. Mary and Brandon didn’t make it and Jeremy blamed himself. He couldn’t live with the guilt,” I said in a distant voice, reciting what Mrs. Hayes had told me yesterday.

  Dawn quickly put her hands over her mouth and stared at me with wide, remorseful eyes, “He killed himself?” she whispered in her hands.

  I looked down at the floor and nodded.

  “Oh, honey,” Dawn said, pulling me into a tight embrace and rocking me back and forth. “I’m so sorry. What can I do?”

  “Can you just be here with me? I don’t think I can do this alone,” I pleaded.

  “Of course I can,” Dawn said to me, smoothing my hair down and rubbing my back. “I’ll stay here as long as you need me.”

  “He came to see me that night,” I whispered into her shoulder after a few minutes.

  “He did? Wow! What did he say? What was wrong with him?”

  I pulled away from her and started to fidget with a frayed spot on the arm of the couch. “He was mad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I wasn’t going to be coming here that summer. That’s why I thought he was mad, anyway. I had no clue about the accident,” I said, pleading to her. I was so full of regret for not taking the time to listen to him. “I told him I was too busy for a summer break because I wanted to take some summer classes, plus I had a job that needed me. Hell, I didn’t even have time for him during his visit that night. I was cramming for finals and I was so stressed out. Had I known what he was going through, I would had made time for him.” I fanned myself, unable to control my emotions. “I wish I could go back. I wish I would have held him as tight as I could and let him know that I loved him and everything was going to be all right. That’s all he needed from me, but I couldn’t give it to him. I didn’t know.”

  “I know you would have. How could you have known?”

  “Oh, my God, Dawn! I feel so guilty! He needed me and I let him down. He died all alone because I was too busy for him,” I said, pulling at the short blonde hair framing my face while sitting on the brink of hysteria.

  Dawn grabbed me and pulled me close to her again. “It’s not your fault! You hear me? It’s not your fault! He loved you. He could never be mad at you.”

  “I loved him so much.” I sobbed into her shoulder, past hysteria now. “I always thought we had more time. That one day when the timing was right, we would get back together. Why couldn’t he have just told me? Why didn’t he love me enough to stay?”

  Dawn silently held me in her arms and let me get it all out. When I was finally done and I was too spent to go any further and tears wouldn’t fall anymore, she helped me to our old bedroom and tucked me in my small bed. I laid on my side staring out of the window at the life going on outside. Everyone seemed so happy, without a care in the world. None of them knew that the greatest tragedy of my life had occurred. No one knew that the most beautiful soul that had ever blessed this world had been taken from us far before his time. I ran my hand over the thin gold ring on my finger, feeling the small diamond sitting on top, and closed my eyes. I could clearly picture the day he gave the ring to me as a symbol of a promise of forever. He was so nervous and serious when he handed me the little black box. His dark eyes sparkled in the moonlight when I looked at him in shock. But as I stared at him, I knew right then
and there that he was serious and it was going to be me and him until the end. The only time I had ever taken it off was when I gave it back to him at the end of that first summer as a gesture of my own promise to come back to him and retrieve it. I kept that promise to him and the ring has been where he put it ever since, even after my college years and meeting Russell. But now it seemed as if it was all for nothing. Now he was gone. I never thought he would, but he broke his promise.

  Sixteen

  I looked up and down the beach, the same beach I have loved for so long, and smiled. It was all a horrible dream and now I was finally home and I could burst with relief. I closed my eyes as a gust of wind picked up, blowing my long blonde hair all around me like a raging tornado. Tiny bits of sand pierced my skin and salt water moistened my face. I raised my arms out wide, loving every second of it. I relished in the feeling, letting it lull my spirit and calm my heart. I grasped my hair with both hands, laughing, and opened my eyes. I spun around in a circle like a child, seeing the ocean for the very first time. I began skipping down the beach toward the pier, but stopped abruptly. I ran a hand through my messy hair and held it back from my view.

  “He’s here?” I asked myself, staring at the boy leaning on a piling under the pier. I lifted my free hand to block the sun for a better look. “It is him!” I said excitedly and began running through the thick sand toward him.

  “Jeremy!” I yelled, waving my hand wildly, but he didn’t hear me. After a few more feet I yelled again, “Jeremy!”

  That time he turned in my direction. I stopped a few feet in front of him breathing heavily, sweat dripping everywhere, I was sure I looked horrendous with runny makeup and wild hair, but I didn’t care. I had the worst dream I could possibly ever have and all I wanted to do was look at him. There was a peace about him, a calmness that I so fondly remembered from that hot summer day so long ago when I first met and fell in love with Jeremy Hayes, my one and only true love. He smiled his crooked smile and reached out to brush the sweaty hair out of my face.

  “What took you so long?” he asked me.

  “I’m sorry. I had a few things I had to do first. I’m here now.”

  His smile faded and he shifted his eyes out toward the water. “It took longer than I thought. I wish it had been sooner.”

  I cocked my head to the side and stared at him. “Am I too late? Have you moved on?”

  He looked back at me and smiled again. “How could I ever move on from you? One in a million girl.”

  I closed the distance between us, wrapped my arms around his neck, and clung to him. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. I told myself as I was driving here today that I was going to play it cool and feel out the situation, just like Dawn always taught me, but I had the worst dream. Something horrible had happened to you. I swear, in my dream, it felt so real. I felt suffocated, my heart was strangling me, and I didn’t know how I would possibly go on.” I squeezed him even tighter. “I don’t care if this is sudden or inappropriate or if you don’t even feel the same way, but I love you, Jeremy, and I always have. I don’t want to spend another second without you. I’ll do whatever I have to to prove that to you.” I shook my head, trying to get the image of the dream out of my mind and buried my face in his shoulder, breathing him in. “It was so bad. I thought I had lost you forever.”

  He rubbed my back softly. “You’ll never lose me. Even if you can’t see me, I’m still here.”

  My body went stiff as the words set in. Slowly, I pulled away from him and searched his eyes. I could see him, he was standing directly in front of me looking exactly the way I remembered him. And I could feel him when we embraced. He even smelled the same. I shook my head back and forth. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, looking down.

  “But I can feel you.” I reached my hand out and put it on his arm. “I’m not imagining it. You’re real.”

  “I’m only real in this world,” he said, looking around at the sky.

  “This world? Am I dreaming?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jeremy, are you really dead?” I whispered, not wanting to hear what I was realizing was true.

  “Yes.”

  I fell to my knees, buried my face in my hands, and sobbed. Raging emotions slammed through me, worse than when I first heard the news. My heart was breaking in a million pieces and there was no way to stop it. I thought this was my second chance. He was given back to me only to be taken away again. How could God be so cruel?

  Jeremy leaned down in front of me and placed a hand on my quivering back. He rubbed it softly.

  “Why?” I yelled out, lifting my face to the sky. “Why did you do it? Why couldn’t you love me enough to stay?”

  “It’s not that I didn’t love you. It’s because I felt too much. I couldn’t take it. My sisters were gone and it was all my fault. I was their brother, I always looked after them, and they needed me.”

  “I needed you!” I spat out and looked at him quickly.

  “No, you never needed anyone,” he said gently. “You were always so strong. Much stronger than me. I knew you would be back one day. I waited here for you to come back because I knew you would need me then, so here I am.”

  “For how long?” I whispered.

  “As long as you need me.”

  “Does forever count? Because I’m never leaving you again.”

  “That sounds good to me. Come here,” he said enveloping me in his arms

  ***

  I opened my eyes and gazed into the light as I stared out of my bedroom window, trying to blink my mind into focus. I had forgotten where I was for a split second, but once reality set in, I let my senses feel the world around me. I began to hear the waves crashing and the seagulls and osprey crying in the wind. The bright morning sun had been replaced with pretty shades of orange and pink mixed together as the sun started its journey over the horizon, preparing for its sleep for the night. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed and just sat there for a few minutes, trying to get the ache in my head and the pounding in my heart to subside. I stood up slowly, bracing myself against the wall as I walked out of my bedroom through the narrow hallway into the open living room. I looked around but I didn’t see Dawn anywhere. I walked into the kitchen but she wasn’t there, either. I walked further into the kitchen to look out the window and search the back deck. Finally, I spotted her sitting on the glider swing with a book in her hand. As soon as I opened the door, she looked up, gave me a weak smile, and then patted the seat beside her.

  “You wanna sit?”

  I nodded my head and sat down beside her. I looked out at the sparkling water and closed my eyes, letting my senses feel the world around me again. Jeremy had taught me so many things during our time together, but this was my favorite and I did it often. It’s so easy to overlook the beauty in the world and take nature for granted. But if you stood very still with your eyes closed and your mind clear, you could hear the magnificence of the world around you. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and looked at her to find her staring back at me.

  “Are you all right?” she finally asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” I said sadly.

  “How about I go make us a pitcher of strong margaritas and we sit out here and talk about it?”

  Nodding my head in agreement, she got up and went inside, leaving me alone on the deck. I stared off at the sparkling ocean, feeling lost in this terrible nightmare. A few minutes later, she reemerged with a full pitcher of icy cold margarita mix and two glasses. She handed one glass to me and filled it to the top, then did the same to hers, then put the pitcher down on the wicker table in front of us. We silently sipped our salty sweet drinks before either of us spoke.

  “So can you tell me what happened all those years ago? I knew ya’ll broke up, but you never said anything about it and I never want
ed to ask because I knew how painful it must have been for you. All I knew was something happened and four years later you were bringing Russell home for Christmas.”

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t really know. Like I said, I was so busy. College had me swamped. I took too many classes that first year and by the time summer came around I was spent and desperately trying to catch up. I even had to take summer classes to maintain a passing GPA so I wouldn’t get kicked out of school.”

  “Didn’t you say he came to visit you, though?”

  “Yes, he called while I was at the library studying one time, although I didn’t know until the next day. Then he surprised me by showing up, but I was so stressed out about my grades that I didn’t have time for him.”

  “What did he say?” Dawn asked sadly.

  I stared off at the ocean again, watching the waves rolling onto the shore then descending back into the ocean. Visions of that night, the last time I would ever see Jeremy alive, came into my mind. “When I went back to my dorm that night, I found him sitting on the floor in front of my door with his eyes closed, as if he were asleep. I froze when I saw him. I thought I was imagining it, but when he opened his eyes and looked up at me, my heart leapt, and for a split second, I forgot everything, my failing grades, my work load, everything. But just as quickly, reality came back to me and I looked down at my arms loaded with books and knew I couldn’t allow myself to get carried away.” I continued to stare off at the ocean, picturing his face as he pleaded with me to talk to him.

  “What did he say?” Dawn asked again, breaking my thoughts.

  “He wanted to talk, but I told him I didn’t have time and it wasn’t fair that he bombarded me like that, knowing how busy I was. It made me infuriated to think he came all that way just so we could argue face to face.” I turned to look at Dawn, blinking away tears. “I thought he was trying to talk me into blowing off my classes to go to the beach for the summer. I wouldn’t even let him get the words out, because I knew seeing him upset would only make me cave in and I just couldn’t do it. I told him he could stay the night, seeing that he’d just drove ten hours from Atlantic Beach to Tallahassee, Florida. His eyes were red and he looked pale, but he just shook his head and turned and walked away.”