This I Promise You

by Tressa Messenger

  “And you didn’t stop him?” Dawn asked with wide eyes.

  “Nope. All I could do was watch him leave. I never heard from him again,” I said sadly.

  “Wow, that’s crazy!”

  “You’re telling me,” I said.

  “You couldn’t have known, though,” Dawn said reassuringly.

  “I know, but I should have.”

  We fell into a silence, both of us lost in our own worlds.

  “Do you remember the first time we met him?” Dawn asked, smiling. “He splashed us with that gritty ocean water after I was good and lathered up with sunscreen. I was so mad.”

  I stared at her quizzically for a minute, but it slowly turned into amusement as I remembered that day as well. “Yeah, you were such a brat back then.”

  “Hey,” she exclaimed with a laugh. “You weren’t much better. If my memory is correct, you were bound and determined to make everyone’s summer miserable that year.”

  I stared off, reminiscing. “Yeah, I was pretty mad, but then I met Jeremy. That wasn’t the first time we met though,” I said, turning to her with a mischievous smile.

  “What?” she asked. “I thought …”

  “That’s when we officially met, but I had seen him earlier that day at the Shack,” I said, turning to look in the direction of the old structure. “He was playing pool as usual with Brandon. I was sitting at the bar drinking a soda when I heard this laughter. It was like it had taken over the whole building. When I turned around to see where it was coming from, I saw him. I don’t think he noticed me, not then anyway, but before I left, our eyes locked and he gave me one of his crooked smiles. It was the first time my heart ever skipped a beat.” I turned to look at her again and smiled weakly. “He was beautiful, wasn’t he?”

  “Yeah, he was,” she said, smiling back. Dawn stared at me, narrowing her eyes, a curious smile played on her lips. “Did ya’ll ever do it?”

  “Oh, my God! Nosey much?” I blurted out, but smiled despite myself.

  “You did, didn’t you?” she teased. “You little hoochie! When?”

  I put my hand to my mouth, feigning shock, and shook my head back and forth. “It was the last summer I was here, the summer before I went away to college. I was eighteen, so it’s not like I did anything wrong. Besides, it was Jeremy. We were going to be together forever.” Dawn curled her legs up under her and eagerly stared at me, waiting for more. “It was under the pier during the end of summer beach party,” I continued, my face turning red from the admission.

  Dawn’s mouth fell wide open. “Are you telling me that you had sex for the very first time outside on the beach?”

  “Yep.”

  “With people around?”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Wow, I’m impressed,” she said, shaking her head and laughing, but then she paused and her expression got serious. “Are you going to be okay?”

  I looked away from her and stared off at the water for a minute before responding. “I really don’t know. But what other choice do I have? He’s gone and no matter what I want or do, I can’t change that and I can’t bring him back.”

  “I know, honey. Maybe you can honor him by remembering all of the good things.”

  I looked into her compassionate green eyes so full of concern. “I fully intend to. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he’s gone. I’ve felt him ever since I arrived here and that gives me great comfort.”

  She leaned over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “I’m so sorry for your loss, honey.”

  I leaned my head on her shoulder. “I know. Me, too. But it still doesn’t change the reason why I came here in the first place.”

  “Which is?” she asked me curiously.

  I shrugged my shoulders and said simply, “Because I love him and I always will, even now. I came here to find him and I think I want to stay here to be close to him.”

  Dawn pulled away from me to look at me, to see if I was serious or just joking. “Like live here?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Do you think Mom and Dad would care if I stayed in the cottage?”

  Dawn looked around at the old beach cottage behind us and noticed the sea grass and wild flowers growing like weeds along the side of the deck and the ever so constant chipping paint. “Actually, I think they may like that. At least that way the cottage would get used and taken care of. Plus you’ll be closer to us. Are you sure about this, sis?”

  “Dawn, I really don’t have anything to go back to.”

  “What about Russell? He’s such a great guy and he’s crazy about you.”

  I frowned at the thought. “I know he does, but it wouldn’t be fair to him. I could never love him like he deserved.”

  “Did he take it badly?”

  I looked away sadly and shrugged my shoulders.

  “What are you going to do about your job?” Dawn asked, changing the subject.

  “They have the UNC Marine Sciences facility in Morehead City. Maybe I can get a job there.”

  “That would be pretty awesome, actually,” Dawn said, smiling. “But you do know that you can’t stop living just because he’s gone.”

  I continued to stare into her eyes. “Living is not living when my heart, mind and soul are with him. Maybe one day I will move on, my heart will know when that time is, but for now he is what I want.”

  “What are you going to do about money?” Dawn asked.

  I waved my hand at her. “I’ve been saving for the future since I was sixteen years old, when I got my first job. I have enough to get by for a while.”

  Dawn stared at me, shocked. “Oh!”

  With that we sat quietly drinking our margaritas, feeling the evening breeze pick up, and watching the sun set over the horizon. Before long it would be completely dark and a new day would ensue.

  Seventeen

  The following morning, Dawn packed her single bag and got ready for her ride back home to Raleigh.

  “Are you sure you don’t need me to stay any longer?” Dawn asked.

  “I’m sure. I really do appreciate you coming. I don’t think I could have gotten through this without you, but I had a realization last night, and you know what? I’m going to be all right. Besides, I’m going to have to learn how to live with it.

  “I love you, sis. Promise me that you won’t sit here crying all day,” Dawn said, hugging me tightly beside her car in the driveway.

  “I love you, too, and I don’t intend to.” I pulled away from her and shifted my head toward the old cottage. “I have a lot of work to keep me occupied. I think I want to start working on the cottage some and check into the Science Institute in Morehead about a job.”

  She tilted her head to the side and wrinkled her nose as she looked between me and the cottage. “Really?”

  “Yes, really. It doesn’t need a whole lot of work, since its ruggedness is a part of its charm, but I think it’ll give me something to do and take my mind off things. It’ll be nice to make it my own.”

  Dawn grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I think you’re going to be all right and I will only be a couple of hours away if you need me.”

  “I know.”

  She hugged me again then got in her car. “You know now that you’re going to be so much closer, there’s no excuse for you not to visit.”

  I laughed and waved her off. “How can I miss you, if you never leave?”

  She laughed out loud and waved back. “Okay fine, I’m leaving. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Be safe driving home.”

  “I will.”

  “Call me when you get home to let me know you got there,” I said.

  “Okay, Mom!” Dawn said and blew me a kiss as she pulled out of the sandy driveway. I stood on the sidewalk waving to her until she was no longer in sight, before I turned around and walked back inside the house.

  I got a small notebook and pencil from the junk drawer in the kitchen and walked from one end of the cottage to the other, writing down
everything that I saw that needed to be fixed or replaced. Surprisingly, there wasn’t very much. I liked the rugged look of the chipped paint on the window sills and doors and there was no point refinishing the hard wood floors because it’s right on the beach and the endless tracks of sand will only scratch it up again. I did, however, want to strip the god-awful wallpaper that hung on almost every surface of the house and the bathroom sink and tub could use a good rust busting. The kitchen also needed a serious update. As far as the inside of the house went, that was it. The outside was a different story and would have to wait until it got cooler outside. After I took a shower, I dug in my duffel bag and pulled out my most proper outfit that I brought, sadly it was meant to be worn on a date with Jeremy. The light pink lace top and blue denim skirt would have to be good enough to present my resume at the UNC Marine Institute tomorrow. I put it to the side and threw on a pair of jean shorts and a tank top and tied my long wet hair up in a ponytail, then left for the hardware store.

  With my list in hand, I wandered around the massive chain store, going up and down every aisle until I found the painting supplies section. I stopped and looked through the assortment of color swabs on the wall trying to figure out which color suited me. It’s not a decision I’ve ever had to make before, so staring at the different shades of greens, blues, purples, reds and yellows felt overwhelming. I turned around, feeling panicked, and met the soft brown eyes of Mrs. Hayes at the end of the aisle I was in.

  “Nicole?” she asked.

  “Hey, Mrs. Hayes! How are you?” I asked, feeling surprised at seeing her as well.

  Mrs. Hayes walked up to me, pushing her squeaky cart, concern etched on her elegant face as she looked at me. “I’m good. But how are you? You look frazzled.”

  I let out a chuckle and turned back to the color swabs lining the wall, “I am frazzled. I’ve decided to stay at my parents’ beach cottage, so I wanted to spruce it up and personalize it.” I grabbed a rusty shade of red and examined it. “The problem is I have no clue what color to pick.”

  “You’re staying at the beach?” she asked me in surprise.

  I looked into her eyes and fought back the urge to cry again. “Mrs. Hayes, something has pulled me here and I’m still on the fence whether or not I should have listened to it, but I’m here now and I came here for a reason.”

  “Jeremy,” she said sadly.

  I nodded my head. “My heart never gave up on him and even though he’s gone physically and I can’t see him, he’s still here. I feel him all around me. Everything is different now, I feel different. I have a feeling even if I were to leave today nothing would change except that maybe I won’t feel him anymore.” I shook my head defiantly. “I left him once. I can’t leave him again.”

  Mrs. Hayes looked at me sadly then leaned in and wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you for caring so much about my son. I often wonder if anyone does.”

  I reached out and rubbed her back and smiled. “You’re welcome. Besides, if he were here, I would still be doing the same thing.”

  Mrs. Hayes pulled away and gave me a smile. “Well then, don’t be a stranger. You can come over or call whenever you’d like.”

  “Thank you. I will, I promise. I was actually going to call you today. I wanted to know where Jeremy was buried. I’d like to pay him a visit.”

  “He wasn’t buried. He asked to be cremated and for his ashes to be scattered in the ocean over by that pier.”

  “Oh,” is all I could manage to get out. It made sense that he would want his ashes to be scattered in the ocean because that’s where his sister was. What surprised me the most was, even after what happened, he wanted it to be by the pier, our pier. I was right about staying here, more than I knew. I will always feel him here. The thought made me smile.

  Mrs. Hayes took a deep breath and I could see something different in her. She no longer looked like the sad tormented mother in mourning. She almost looked happy, alive. A sense of glee rushed through me and I silently wondered how much it had to do with me. She turned around as if she was about to walk away but then stopped and turned towards the color swabs on the wall and pointed to a few shades.

  “I’d say go with the lavender gray for the base color and the white pearl for the trim.” She turned back to me, giving me a smile, then turned around and walked away. I stared at her departing back for a few minutes before turning back to the colors on the wall. I picked up the color swabs she had suggested and smiled widely. They were perfect. I bought a few cans of the different paints and the tools necessary for removing wallpaper and headed back out to the beach to start working.

  I spent the rest of the day stripping the old wallpaper off the living room walls and priming them for paint. I didn’t realize before I started that it was going to be such a process. Before I knew it, the sun was going down. I looked around my living room in shock. I felt like I was in a completely different house. This space had been the exact same way for the past ten years. Now all of the photos and paintings, along with the nautical wallpaper with its small colorful seashells printed all over, were down off the walls, leaving the room quite bare and very bright even in the fading sun light. I smiled, feeling a sense of accomplishment and excitement, because this time tomorrow it would look even more different when the lavender gray paint goes up. I put the messy roller down and walked into the kitchen to make myself a drink. Thankfully Dawn had left me a full pitcher of her special margarita mix in the refrigerator. I poured myself a full glass and walked out onto the back deck.

  I watched the sky, lost in the moment as the colors swirled around, as if God was doing his own painting, changing the sky from pink and orange to purple as the sun set over the horizon. This time of day was always Jeremy’s favorite and it quickly became mine as well. I looked down at my watch, waiting for the hands to tell me when it was eight o’clock. At that moment the whole beach seemed so still. It almost felt like the world had stopped and a wave of comfort washed over me. I looked up at the full moon high above my head and stood captivated as I stared at it. It’s a ritual I’ve done for the past ten years, ever since I met Jeremy, one he and I shared together as a way to feel closer to one another when we were apart.

  Every single night at eight o’clock, I would take a minute to stare up at the moon and think about Jeremy. I continued to do it even after I left for college and often wondered if he was staring up at it as well. Of course, now I know he wasn’t. He’d never see another sunset, or walk along the sandy beach. He’d never feel the cool water on his bare skin or stare out at the ocean looking for his sister. He would never grow old, nor would he ever marry me like he had promised. My heart constricted selfishly at the thought that I, too, will never be able to experience those things, not with him or anyone else again.

  Out of nowhere, I heard a faint laughter breaking my thoughts. I quickly turned toward the sound, but saw no one. I looked in the opposite direction, and still no one. I put my glass down on the railing and walked down the steps onto the sand, looking for the source of joy that was still present in the air, but the beach was clear. There wasn’t a soul in either direction. I followed the sound, letting it take me where it pleased in a mindless haze. I blinked my eyes rapidly when the sound finally subsided, only to find myself standing a few feet away from the pier. I spun around in circles anxiously. I stopped and stared out at the dark water. The only color I could see was from the white caps on the crashing waves.

  “Jeremy?” I asked out loud. “Jeremy, are you here with me?”

  As soon as the words left my mouth, a chill ran down my body, causing goose bumps to flare on my arms. I quickly put my hands over my mouth to stifle a gasp and tears formed in my eyes like boulders hanging off the side of a cliff.

  “I feel you. I know you’re here!” I yelled to the water as the tears fell from my eyes. “I’m so sorry for what happened. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.” I waited for something, anything. I knew if someone saw me yelling at the ocean they would thin
k I was insane, but I didn’t care. “That wasn’t supposed to be the end, not for us. We were supposed to have our future. You promised me!” I screamed, anger rushing through me for all that I had lost so senselessly.

  I turned away from the water and walked under the pier. I sat down on the sand and put my face in my hands. I felt so many conflicting feelings. I felt angry and sad and cheated and disappointed, but most of all I felt a deep loss. I felt like something inside of me was missing, something I would never get back again. His smiling face and his soulful eyes kept resurfacing in my mind. So many memories bunched into such small amounts of time. I had spent the last few days thinking of things I wished I could say to him, things I should have said, but in that one moment when he was there, the only thing I could think of was why? I know he explained in his letter what he was going through, and I had replayed the letter in my mind a million times, but my heart still couldn’t understand.

  “Why didn’t you love me enough to stay?” I whispered into my hands. “It didn’t have to be like this. I miss you so much, Jeremy.”

  A brisk breeze picked up, beating icy sea water against my bare skin. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them tightly to shield myself from the sea breeze. But in that moment, a sense of warmth washed over me. Not just warmth, but heat, even though the breeze never subsided. I wiped the wet tears from my face and smiled weakly.

  “Thank you for still being here. I won’t leave you again. This I promise you,” I whispered to him, and oddly, I knew he could hear me. I felt his arms around me just now, shielding me from the cold like he had done so many times before. I knew I was right for staying here because as long as I was on this beach, I would always feel him.