Judas

by Lacey-Payne, Chandler

  She had finally learned to ignore about ninety percent of what Anita said. When she wasn't droning on about her dog, she went on and on about seemingly everyone she knew and her list of things to disapprove of was never ending. In honesty, Adessa had a hard time finding fault in anyone other than Anita herself.

  They went to the mall after the performance and Anita spent the whole time complaining about how "middle class" the act was. She refused to buy a single thing, scowling and whining nonstop, while trying to appear more important than anyone else in the place. Judas held her hand but he didn't seem interested either, so it was up to Phillip and Adessa to try to be comfortable. Adessa had already guessed that Phillip could be happy anywhere and she could easily picture him wearing jeans and carrying a fishing pole.

  Adessa picked up a bag in one of the stores, but when she headed to the checkout, she was scolded for the last time.

  "You're only a nurse, darling," Anita spit, "Are you sure there isn't a Wal-Mart closeby?"

  Adessa's face flushed and this time, Judas didn't save her. He simply walked away as if he hadn't heard the remark, leaving her to stand there alone with the horrible wretch. Fine, two can play this game. She handed the clerk her credit card and turned back to Anita. "THIS nurse, happens to now be a millionaire. So thank you for my half of Judas's inheritance," her eyes blazed.

  Anita looked like she had been punched and Adessa was sure Phillip was choking on something as they both stood and stared at her, stunned. Still not finished, she flipped Anita the bird and yanked the bag and receipt off the counter and stormed away. The ride home was awkward and silent but at least she didn't have to listen to Anita's voice. Judas could be pissed at her all he wants, but no one was going to talk down to her and especially not someone like Anita Quinn. Hell, who was she kidding? He probably didn't even notice the exchange.

  When they were in bed that night, she could hear Anita and Phillip arguing about what had happened. "I have never been so humiliated in my life!" Anita wailed.

  "She's a redhead, that's for sure," Phillip said mildly.

  "She doesn't belong. She's just as vile and distasteful as that whore, Leanna," she continued. It took all Adessa had not to react. She just laid there and listened, thankful that Judas was already asleep. They got quiet after a while and Adessa wondered why Phillip even put up with the wretch. She could easily see why Judas had never gone back to Florida.

  The day his parents were set to leave, they had planned a nice lunch on their way to the airport but Judas barely picked at his food. By then, he had slipped into a terrible mood and had even snapped at her twice before they left. Anita didn't seem to notice her son's behavior, which made Adessa want to shake her, but Phillip seemed to be giving Judas plenty of space so Adessa followed suit. She knew he and his father were close, and Phillip seemed to understand his son's behavior far better than anyone else. Before they exchanged good-bye's at the terminal, Phillip turned to Adessa. “I am sorry about my wife. She really isn't so bad once you get to know her.” he told her.

  "She just needs to adjust, like the rest of us," she tried to sound convincing but didn't really care if she failed.

  He smiled warmly as his eyes danced with amusement. "You landed a good blow, kid. Hit her right where she needed it," he winked.

  Adessa resisted the urge to ask if it had landed in her black heart. If that statement was bait, she wasn't taking it. “Thank you, Phillip. I know this must be hard on everyone. It happened so fast.” She tried to sound neutral but they both knew she couldn't stand the witch.

  “Nonsense, I've been waiting for Judas to snap out of it for years. I trust his judgement, and I say he did well in choosing you.” he smiled warmly and she hugged him.

  Her eyes drifted to Judas, who was only a few steps away. “You raised a fine man.”

  “Indeed I did," he winked. "Now it's up to you to take care of him.”

  “I intend to," she said warmly. "If the stubborn man will allow me.” They both chuckled at that and he picked up his bags and turned to his son.

  "Take care of her, Judas. She sure is worth her weight," he said kindly.

  Judas gave an empty smile, "Thank you, Dad."

  The two men exchanged hugs and Phillip picked up his bags and started toward Anita, who was pacing near the gate.

  Judas barely spoke to her all the way home and though he didn't seem angry, he was withdrawn and she had no idea what to make of it. She wasn't sorry she had snapped on his mother but she did feel bad that it might put him in an awkward position.

  She couldn't imagine what living with that woman must have been like growing up and it made her thankful for her own mother. Anita Quinn wouldn't have stood a chance against Elizabeth Ryan. Blue collar or not, her mother wouldn't have taken the first jab from Anita and she would have been proud of her daughter's behavior in the mall. She felt a smile form on her lips as she stared out the window in silence. Something told her she would never answer to Anita Quinn again.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  He went out to the patio and sat alone with his thoughts, chain smoking as he gazed into the fire that blazed in the outdoor fireplace while she quietly read a book inside. He only smoked when he was nervous but when he did, a whole pack would disappear in a matter of hours. He knew this would happen if his mother visited. She had been horrible to Adessa and to him and she had managed to trigger everything in him that he had fought so hard to keep control of. The visions had been flashing through his mind since yesterday and just the thought of what would happen next had consumed him.

  His hands shook as he smoked, and the blinding need for the release was as thick as the smoke in his throat. His pulse raced as he saw her in his mind’s eye, waiting and accepting of what he was and knowing she would welcome everything he needed to do. The pain was more than he could take and with each passing second, he fought against it. The course was set, and his mother had sealed his fate.

  He had no idea how he would explain it to Adessa, and he knew she would never understand. Everything they shared up to this point had been perfect but there was no getting around this with her. He knew that eventually she would find out about Jaime and maybe even about the others. He just hoped that the darkest secret would never be discovered. He would die to protect her from that. He wished at that moment he could go to her, as he had Leanna but the fear of repeating the past had been crippling.

  Leanna was strong and brave, and she had given up everything for him. There were times she would have to sit inside for weeks in order to keep his secret, but never Adessa. He couldn't bear the thought of putting her through all of that. His mind was numb and all he knew was that everything he did until this was finished would be to protect her and their life together. No matter what his mother thought, Adessa was the sweetest and most honest woman he had ever known and she was more than worthy of being his wife.

  It was time. He couldn't let this continue. He crushed out another cigarette and went back inside.

  “I'm going out, doll.” he informed her.

  “Out? On a week night? With who?” she asked, confused and disappointed.

  “I won't be gone long, maybe a few hours” he promised her.

  “I can't come along?” she asked, hurt.

  “Maybe, another time. I need to do this alone.”

  “This? What do you mean, THIS?”

  “Goodbye, doll.”

  With that, he grabbed his jacket and strode to the door, leaving her sitting on the sofa in disbelief. He didn't look back and she knew not to chase him.

  Out. He was going out. No destination, no explanation, just out. She sat there staring into space, half in shock, wondering what she should do. Going after him wasn't an option, because she knew wherever he went, he didn't want to be found. Besides, she wouldn't even know where to begin to look. She didn't know of any friends he would go visit and he didn't have a night life that she knew of. God this is stupid, she thought. She was worried about a grown man, and one who had told her he
didn't want her with him. Her pain began to twist into anger as her tears began to flow freely.

  She finally got the energy to drag herself upstairs. She should have known that something was wrong when he hadn't touched her the whole time his parents were here. She told herself that it was because he was uncomfortable having them in such a close vicinity but deep down, she felt that something was off. He seemed to have no emotion left at all by the time they went home and her mind wandered back to the two times he had snapped at her. The past couple of days had been a nightmare for her but he hadn't even bothered to notice.

  She stood staring out the window at the darkness, as if at any moment his headlights would appear down the long drive. The night was still and somewhat eery. The only movement she could see beneath glow of the full moon was a small animal as it scurried across the lawn. She finally heaved a heavy sigh and gave up. She just hoped he was home and safe by morning.

  It was after four o'clock when he returned, exhausted and reeking of sex. He was missing his shirt and there were visible, stinging claw marks that raced down his face and chest. He slipped his boots off and before he finished emptying his pockets onto the night table, her pale blue eyes were on him. He slipped out of his jeans and crawled in beside her without a word. Mistake.

  She instantly leaped from the bed with blazing anger that distorted her beautiful face. "Shower!" she wailed as fresh, hot tears welled in her eyes. He sighed heavily, knowing there was no chance of denying what he had done, but he was in no mood to argue with her about it and it wouldn't change anything regardless. She stood glaring at him as he slipped out of their bed and disappeared into the gray and black striped bathroom. She angrily ripped the linens off of the mattress and stormed down to the laundry room to get fresh ones and when he returned, the bed was covered in clean, white sheets.

  “What the hell happened, Judas?” she demanded.

  “I don't want to talk about it. Go to sleep.”

  “NO! I want to know who you were with tonight, and for god sake's, why?” she choked out, as the tears flowed freely.

  “I answer to no one, Adessa. Not even you.” His words were cold and she winced as if she had been slapped. "Don't ever question me again."

  "Like hell I won't! I don't share, Judas!" she wailed, pounding her small fists against his chest.

  He remained completely calm, despite her tantrum. "Then you will learn." His voice was soft, and if she hadn't been so irate, she would have realized how much those words hurt him.

  "You are MY husband and NO ONE has the right to touch you. You are MINE!" she shrieked at him.

  "I am mine." he bit out evenly, tempering his words. He knew there was nothing he could say to ease her mind and he refused to lie, no matter how bad it made him sound. He was a prick for doing this to her but it was all the truth.

  She grabbed his wallet from the table and started to rifle through it, littering the contents across the floor as she crossed the room. He laid there watching, not stopping her. He had made this mess and he would face it. She needed to get past the anger so they could eventually talk. This scene was not new to him, though it was the first time with Adessa as his wife.

  She found a withdraw slip from the bank, dated only days ago and it took all she had not to scream. "Can I ask where the five thousand dollars is that you withdrew?" she asked icily. She was shaking now, and her face was so swollen from her tears, he barely even recognized her as he caught her glare.

  "Nope." He stated flatly, standing his ground. He knew she deserved the answer but he also knew he couldn't explain.

  "You bastard." With the broken reply, she slung the empty wallet and left the room.

  He cursed himself under his breath, settling into the warmth of his bed. Their bed. He needed her so much right now, and he knew there was no way she would let him touch her. He laid there listening to her sobbing as she sat outside the bedroom door. The battle lines had just been drawn. He had no idea if she would still be here tomorrow. The thought sent him into a panic. He stood and walked to the door. “Come to bed, doll. I'll sleep on the couch if you want,” he offered.

  “Go to hell,” she snapped.

  “Please, Adessa. We can talk tomorrow. Just don't leave me,” he said, nearly pleading. When she didn't budge, he sat down on the floor beside her and reached out to stroke her hair.

  She wiped her bloodshot eyes and shook her head. “How could you?”

  He said nothing in response. He wasn't able to go over it all right now.

  “I'll be in the room across the hall.”

  He hung his head and watched her go. It would be hours before he would finally sleep.

  The house was quiet when he woke, and the day was half over. The guilt and the disgust had kept him awake, nearly strangling him, even in his dreams. The visions of last night played in his mind like a silent film that kept repeating. Her seductive glance and the sway of her hips as she walked toward him, and then the way his nostrils flared before he shoved her to the floor. He could even see the mascara that ran down her cheeks as she watched him go. It made him ill.

  He scrambled to the toilet, purging anything that had been left in his stomach and laid there on the cold tile for what seemed like hours as the guilt consumed him. He thought of Adessa and the pain she must feel. He knew he had to talk to her, but had no idea what to say. Then it occurred to him that he didn't even know if she had left him. Fresh panic rose in his chest as he peeled himself up from the floor and began to wander the house looking for clues. Everything was just as it was, save for the rumpled sheets in the spare room, and it gave him just enough hope that he refrained from calling her at work.

  Her mind refused to shut off all day at work. She went from being angry to hurt to nearly feeling sorry for him and back again. She had no idea what had caused him to go to someone else but she kept getting the nagging feeling that his mother had played a part in all this. But, how? No one screws around because their mother is a witch. She was so frustrated, she could barely concentrate and she was in a foul mood. She swore under her breath at having to pretend she was fine when all she wanted to do was cry.

  She charted vitals and took down information and she swore there had never been so many patients to see in one day. Each child she saw with black hair had reminded her of him and though she wore her smile well, it broke her heart to think he might have been careless and could now have one on the way. Without, her. His words “bareback” had echoed in her mind and she cringed as she thought of this other woman. She would have given anything to know who it was and even then, she wasn't sure what she would do with the information. They could keep each other for all she cared right now.

  By the time she got home from work, all she could do was go straight to bed. He was sitting in front of the fire, looking as handsome and polished as any other day. She ignored the weak smile that greeted her, making it clear she had nothing to say to him. She walked directly up the wooden staircase to their bedroom without even the strength to slam the door behind her. She fell onto the bed, still wearing her scrubs and ignoring her rumbling tummy that was begging for dinner. Right now all she wanted was to sleep forever. She didn't care if she never woke up.

  He quietly closed the door as he entered. She was sound asleep on the bed and the moonlight had perfectly highlighted the waves of flowing hair. It hurt just to look at her. He knew he had hurt her but there was nothing he could do about it. There was no going back now. If she remained his wife, she would have to learn to accept it. He wasn't going to change no matter how much they both wished he could and despite the fact that it would happen again, he hated himself for it.

  He slipped the small white nursing Crocs from her feet and placed them at the foot of the bed and reached down to un-clip her name tag from her patterned pink scrub top. He stood there in the darkened room, thoughtfully stroking the heavy plastic with his thumb as he stared at the image on the card. Adessa Quinn R.N., it read. He sighed heavily and placed it on the table beside the bed
and crawled in next to her, needing to make love to her but knowing not to try.

  "I'll talk to you some, if it will help you." It was afternoon before he had gotten the courage to break the silence. She was sitting on the sofa, holding a book but he could tell she wasn't concentrating.

  "There's nothing to say."

  "That's not true, you have questions and I will answer them the best I can." He was already nervous but he was offering her a bone. It was up to her if she took it. He just hoped he wouldn't have to lie.

  "Then tell me why." Her face was void of expression and she hadn't even bothered to look at him.

  “Alright,” he started. "I just need certain things that you can't give me. It's not your fault." At least that was honest.

  "I'm not what you want."

  "You're everything I want. You're just not what I need." That sounded bad. His heart began to race and he knew this was a bad idea.

  Her voice was cold as she spoke. "I'm going to go." She closed the book and tossed it on the table.

  "Adessa, no! Listen to me, please. I can't lose you. Maybe that was a bad way to explain." he was pleading now.

  "Then rephrase it!" she snapped out.

  "Look, you don't understand and that's alright. But it's different with her. It is something I need but it doesn't take away from us. It's nothing like what you and I share and I need you just as much." His voice was quiet and childlike and something in it caused her to soften, if only an ounce.

  "Tell me what it is that is different," she answered, grasping for patience.

  "I don't make love to her, I fuck her." Wrong choice of words. Again.

  She shook her head, barely containing her rage. “Really, Judas!” she hissed.