Judas

by Lacey-Payne, Chandler

  He began to pace in front of the fire, raking his hands through his hair as he thought of the right words. “I fucked up. I know I did. But neither of us can change it.”

  She folded her arms, grasping for another second of patience. “Well, there's an honest start. How long has this been going on?”

  “Years. But it's not like that. I've only been with her on rare occasions. It's not some heated love affair. Adessa, please. I'm being honest. We promised to work things out and that's what I'm trying to do. For fuck sake, let me keep at least one promise.”

  “You have no idea how this feels or you wouldn't expect me to sit here and listen to a single word. I've been through this before, Judas and I won't do it again. I promised to try to work through things, yes, but you have to get out of my face and let me work through it on my own because I don't believe a word you say.”

  “That's fair, doll. But please believe that I haven't lied. She means nothing to me.”

  "I'm going to go for a walk." And with that, she grabbed her jacket and walked out onto the patio.

  An hour later, he finally went to her, lighting a cigarette as he sat down. "Do you hate me?"

  "Yes. No. I don't know, Judas. I don't know what to think or what to feel.”

  "I'm sorry, Adessa. It's just how I am. I know I can't explain it in a way you understand, but it isn't going to change."

  "You mean you won't change it."

  "I mean I can't change it. I am who I am."

  "Then I don't like who you are."

  "Alright." he felt like he had been slapped.

  "How can you tell me you're sorry but refuse to change it?"

  "Because, I am sorry. I'm sorry it hurts you, and I'm sorry that I can't stop it. I can't change just because you want me to."

  "You basically just told your wife to move over. You are a piece of work!"

  "Can you just be thankful that I'm not lying to you? You deserve better than that and I'm doing my best not to hurt you."

  "Then lie, goddamn you!" she burst into tears again and he wished he could hold her.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Thanksgiving came and went and the trees had finally shed their leaves, leaving the landscape bare and dismal. Neither of them spoke of that night again and it had taken her almost two weeks to allow him to touch her. They spent their evenings relaxing by the fire with her curled up reading a book and him playing his xbox or preparing notes for the next day. They still talked but there was no laughter in the house after the affair.

  "I'm going up to bed," she said, one evening, yawning as she closed her book.

  "I'll be up soon. I'm almost finished with my notes." He smiled softly, reaching for her to come to him and she complied.

  "Goodnight, love," she murmured, as she leaned into kiss him.

  "Night, doll," he answered, allowing his gaze to follow her up the stairs until she was out of sight.

  The cold winter wind whistled against the window, splitting the silence of the night. She slept peacefully in their bed and the vision called to him as he stripped off his clothing and slid between the sheets beside her. She had worn only a thin gown that stopped above her knees and somewhere during the night it had retreated to barely cover her bottom. He propped himself on his side, leaning on an elbow as he reached out and began to stroke her soft thigh.

  He let his fingers graze the length of her leg, down to her calf and circled around to make the journey back up. His mind wandered the entire time, mixing between wanting to take her and letting her sleep. The women who came to him at the office had taken care of him, twice today, in fact, but there was something missing and it left him longing but for what, he didn't know.

  Their sex life had returned to normal by then and she seemed to enjoy him just as much. He closed his eyes and rested his palm against the small of her back and laid there for a long while, just stroking her with soft fingertips before finally drifting away.

  His dream was much like reality, only she was splayed naked beside him and wide awake, calling to him as if singing a siren's song. He didn't notice when her hair turned blonde, but the blue eyed beauty was here and he needed her. He moved over her with ease and found her lips, kissing her for the first time. His tongue slipped past her parted lips and danced along her teeth before pressing into the warm canyon beyond. Their tongues entwined in a gentle embrace as steady hands began to stroke her sides, moving in until he reached her supple breasts.

  He broke the deep, sensual kiss and dipped his head to capture a hardened peak between parted lips, sucking it fully and completely into his warm, hungry mouth. He took his time, indulging himself in the sweet bliss as she lay beneath him quivering with molten desire. Her nimble fingers coiled through his coal black hair, tugging firmly with delight as he moved from one breast to the other, giving his skillful attention in equal measures.

  She wrapped him between her thighs, as she had a thousand times before, pulling him to her in wanton abandon, begging him to claim her. He took his position, and without hesitation, he buried his length deep inside of her. He laced their fingers together and raised her arms high above her head, giving him a thrilling view of her large breasts as they swayed seductively against her chest.

  He remained still for a moment, as if etching this moment in his memory. Slowly and gently at first, he began to move inside of her, both giving and taking as each thrust pushed deeper into the familiar depths. The sensual onslaught continued until his heavy breath caught in his throat, releasing a low growl that trumpeted the need to possess her. The passion overtook him with battering intensity, awakening something carnal and hungry within him.

  He shoved deep into her core, adjusting the pace to his need, until he was slamming into her with reckless abandon. The forceful, blinding pace delivered powerful thrusts that rocked the sturdy headboard rhythmically against the wall. His release came swiftly, and though he had spilled himself deep inside of her, his length was still rigid and pleading for more.

  He helped her to turn so she was lying face down in front of him. His large hands circled her waist, jerking her from the bed as his hips lunged forward to meet her. He pinned her against him, grinding into her in a circular pattern as her form grew fluid beneath his grasp, allowing him to pull her on and off of his length, stroking himself against her velvet walls.

  He pulled his hand back to deliver a hard, stinging slap against her thigh, and then another as she cried out in both pleasure and pain. The assault continued until at last another blissful release came to rapture him. He spent himself inside of her, leaving him breathless but sated. An instant later, she was settled against him as he stroked her scarlet tendrils.

  He was already sitting at the table with his coffee, scanning through the morning paper when she made her way downstairs. He immediately stood and went to pour her a cup.

  "Morning, doll."

  "Good morning," she said sleepily. Her eyes still hadn't focused when she accepted the steaming mug.

  "I didn't realize you're working today. I'm sorry I didn't wake you."

  "I'm not. Couldn't sleep."

  "What's up? Everything alright?"

  "Yes, but you left me sore." She shrugged, and the color drained from his face. He knew instantly what had happened. He shifted his gaze and cursed himself silently.

  "I'm sorry, doll," he offered, reaching out to stroke her arm.

  "Don't be. I enjoyed you. It was nice. And, different."

  His hand jerked back as if he had been burned. "Don't say that." He swallowed roughly, knowing that was the last thing she should have told him.

  "It's true, Judas. The pain I feel makes me want you to do it again."

  "Stop it."

  "Fine, but I don't understand why you're ashamed of it." she looked at him, confused.

  "I'm going to be late."

  "It's not even eight o'clock."

  "Thank you, Big Ben, but I have some things to look over before my first client is due."

  He brushed a kiss
against her lips and strolled out of the kitchen. By the time he reached his truck, his insides were at war. The dream was real. He didn't even know if what he had done was considered making love or something else but he did know that it had been Jaime. She had touched him and moved under him in ways he had never felt, and he it had caused him to go farther than he ever intended to go with Adessa. He had never made love to Jaime before but what had happened had felt so right and as the scene changed, he only wanted it more. It frightened him, knowing he could have seriously hurt his wife and she had no idea how dangerous he really was.

  At home, Adessa sat drinking her coffee, wondering if she shouldn't have mentioned last night. She had grown so used to the tender way he held her and the softness of his touch that she had begun to wonder if he even knew that there were other options. She enjoyed the simple vanilla pleasure but hidden somewhere deep inside, she had longed for him to take her with the carnal roughness that he had last night. He used her for his own pleasure and even now, she was trembling as she recalled every detail. She was thrilled to see this new side of him and it had ignited something in her that she couldn't deny.

  She spent the day cleaning and dusting, making their home sparkle. The soreness she felt was a constant reminder of last night and she had never enjoyed her domestic duties as much. She found it both strange and erotic that the presence of pain could arouse her this way. She wanted him to do it again.

  She was pulling a casserole out of the oven when he walked in from work. He hung his jacket on the rack behind the front door and went into the kitchen, as was his routine. She was wearing jeans and his way too large, faded t-shirt and he smiled at the sight. "Lazy day?"

  She flashed a thousand watt smile as she spooned heaps of the steaming meal onto his plate. "You kidding? I've been busting my ass around here."

  "I see that. I was referring to your, my shirt," he swiftly replied, correcting himself as he took his seat.

  "Better to ruin your clothes with dust and grime than mine," she teased, placing their plates on the table.

  "Looks better on...."

  His response was broken off as he watched her sit. She visibly winced as her bottom hit the chair and whatever he was about to say was stuck in his throat.

  She noticed his hesitation instantly "Judas, what is it?"

  "Nothing, doll," he said, picking up his fork, purposely avoiding her gaze. Last night flashed in his mind, bringing back the memory of what he had done.

  She groaned. "It's not nothing. You're still embarrassed about last night, aren't you?"

  He sighed. "I'm not embarrassed about anything. Just drop it."

  She wasn't about to let him off that easy. "I will not!"

  Suddenly not hungry, he forced a bite of food to his mouth, chewing it quietly as he ignored her protest. He had driven the scene from his mind by fucking a plump little blonde this morning, using her three times, in as many ways, before dismissing her. By the end of the day, he was feeling almost normal again and he had resolved to let it go. Adessa wasn't aware that it had only been a dream and he wasn't about to tell her.

  Her eyes were on him and he finally gave in, pushing the plate away. “Look, I didn't mean to be rough with you. It won't happen again.”

  “You didn't enjoy me?” she questioned.

  “No. I didn't.” Because it hadn't been her. He was prepared to be honest, but only to a point, and he wouldn't let her push enough that he was forced to lie.

  You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. She was confused and obviously hurt by the remark. “I know I don't have much experience, Judas but how could you release twice and not enjoy it?” Her voice was trembling, but she had him. Damn it.

  “I enjoy making love to you. I don't enjoy hurting you. I can't stand the thought and it makes me ill. There. Happy?”

  She furrowed her brows, challenging him. “Then why did you do it?”

  “I told you. I didn't mean to go that far. It won't happen again,” he assured her.

  She picked up their plates and carried them to the sink. “I want you to.”

  He sighed, “You don't mean that, doll.”

  “Yes, I do. The way you used your body to control me was new and exciting and it makes me want to do things to you that I'd never have dreamed of doing before.”

  He groaned at the boldness of her words. She was nearly demanding he do it again and he couldn't let that happen. “It's not for you. That's not the side of me that you will ever get to know. Forget it,” he roared, standing to get his coat.

  “Excuse me?” she stood there in shock with her mouth gaping open.

  He didn't back down. “I mean it, let it go.”

  “You do those things with HER!” she spit angrily.

  “I do.”

  She hung her head and just stood there, childlike and broken. He wanted to reach for her but he knew she wouldn't allow it. For all her softness, she was a red head after all. There was fire in her veins and he was learning that there was a temper to match. He had told her not to back down from him and at times like this, he wished he never had. She raised her head and caught his gaze. “You told me you would care for my needs. Judas, I need to know that we can try new things and that you won't pull away from me. You're my husband. I have no one else to share this side of me with.”

  He nodded and went to the patio to smoke, leaving her standing there alone with the dinner mess. That last statement had gotten to him. She wanted him and wanted to share those things with him but she had no idea what she was asking for. But she was right. He was her husband and it was his duty to see to her needs. There was no way he would tell her that he had thought he was making love to Jaime. He was trying to spare her the pain and the humiliation she would feel if she knew the truth. Any of it.

  She didn't say another word about it the rest of the evening. He knew his words had hurt her but he didn't know any other way than to give her as much of the truth as he had. There was no point going into details because it could only get worse from there. He refused to let this trigger him and the less they spoke of it, the better. She allowed him to hold her that night but he didn't bother trying to make love to her. He knew she needed some time to process all he had said. He was learning that it was just the way she worked.

  “Sit down, child. All that pacin, yer wearin out yer shoes. Aint no sense in bein all worked up. He's just a man. A foolish one at that,” Ms. Verino said, shoving another bite of her pastry in her mouth.

  Adessa was shaking, wringing her hands as she repeated the entire story to her old friend. She had no one else to talk to and she knew she could count on the Ms. Verino to give her the truth.

  “I can't help it. I just want to shake him!” she blurted out, clearly distraught with the whole situation. They were sitting in the small kitchen as they usually did and though the fresh baked pastries made her mouth water, she knew her knotted stomach wouldn't handle the first bite.

  “Did ya tell him how ya felt about the hussy?” Ms. Verino asked, with her usual lazy drawl.

  “I tried. He wouldn't listen. He just kept assuring me he wouldn't leave her. I guess I just tried to move on. I can't stand the thought of being without him.” Adessa's heart sank as she heard her own words. She was pathetic.

  “Ya love him, then?”

  Adessa didn't even have to think of the reply. “Yes,” she said weakly. “More than I should.”

  The old woman scoffed. “More than he deserves, that's for sure,” she mumbled, wiping her hands on an embroidered cloth napkin. “What about him? Does he love ya back?”

  That was the million dollar question. “I don't know. I mean, he hasn't said he does but it's the way he makes me feel. No one has ever made me feel so beautiful and so wanted. He's always there and he's attentive. Everything Micheal wasn't.”

  “Not everything, if he's out carryin on with some trollop. But at any rate, it's soundin like ya already know how he feels. Even if he's too stubborn to admit it.”

  Adessa no
dded, staring blankly at her porcelain teacup. “He says she means nothing to him but if that were true, then why can’t he just leave? I guess I just dont understand.”

  Ms. Verino cackled dryly. “No one understands men, child. Not even men.”

  Adessa heaved a heavy breath. “What can I do? I can't bear the thought of losing him. I just want to love him. To make him understand that he doesn't need any other.”

  “Who says ya got to do anything? You just keep on bein you and focusin on the good in him. He'll either straighten up or he won't but if yer happy, aint no sense leavin.” She supposed that was true. He did make her happy and they did have a good life. Maybe it didn't matter about the other woman. It wasn't like he was going out every night and drinking and living a bachelor life. He was there with her every night and every morning. He took her places and showed her off. He cared for all of her needs. Except, one.

  Adessa sighed, finally nodding her response.

  “Besides, if ya need a place to come to clear yer head, ya know the door's open. He brings that thick head around this house, I'll meet it with my skillet,” the old woman offered with a hearty chuckle.

  Adessa smiled weakly at the image. “And what of my needs, then?”

  “What of em? If they ya needs, yer tweeter aint gonna all a sudden stop flutterin just cause he's afraid of it. Give the man time. He'll take ya in the proper manner soon enough. You just wait and see.”

  The two women talked for a while longer and by the time she left, she was feeling better. She resolved to do nothing, as she had been doing all along. She would continue to make her needs known, but she would try to not push. He would come to her when he was ready and she would wait patiently until then

  .

  CHAPTER NINE

  December came, announcing the new season with the temperament of an angry bear who had been roused from slumber. Long gone was the sound of song birds and crickets all that could be heard in the stillness of the morning was the wind as it howled with vehement fury. Snow was falling hard against the windowpane, blocking out the once spectacular view of the hills and trees beyond their home. In a sense, it made her feel snug and secure, but beyond that, she was hopeful and full of energy.