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Tinkering

Page 14

by John Clarke


  5. False. The World Giant Slalom Title has never been held at Etihad Stadium. The event on 23 July was a football match.

  6. The Tour de France. It is a cycling race over 3600 kilometres through towns and cities which have in common that Justin Madden was not their planning minister.

  7. Ben Cousins. He described lying comatose for a day and a half in intensive care as a wake-up call.

  8. False. The twenty-six homeowners and eighty-four businesses to whom Premier John Brumby apologised for failing to mention that their properties will be bulldozed for a regional rail link were not in Toorak.

  9. Kevin Andrews. A petard is small bomb.

  10. For Sale. Rugby League. Restump, rewire and restore or demolish and redevelop as units. STCA. Entire sporting code. Must go. Suit handyman.

  11. False. Paying off part of a mortgage before full term is called principal reduction. Bill Shorten is a politician.

  12. Docklands. Now that it has been there for ten years, some thought is to be given to its appearance, design and utility. It has even been suggested the whole area be converted into a human community.

  13. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. All the others are from the New South Wales Right.

  14. The photo shows Tony Abbott, trouser icon and leader of the federal opposition. Isn’t he gorgeous?

  15. True. The Australian media made it abundantly clear that Kevin Rudd’s downfall was inevitable. For reasons of space, their very lucid explanations were held over until after the event.

  16. True. Victorians speak a form of English. Doggies Fly, Dannii Ethan Drama, Fev Brownlow Shocker and Logie Tweets are all key phrases and should be committed to memory. European Economy, Environmental Crisis, Rational Discourse and History of Ideas mean nothing. Concentrate on the important stuff.

  17. Clean coal, friendly fire, arts funding and customer services. The unicorn might turn up.

  18. False. Melbourne rail commuters emerging from a tunnel on foot does not mean the transport system doesn’t work. It means we lead the world in tunnel-walking.

  19. False. The purpose of the AFL is not to give young people access to drugs in a supervised environment. It is to govern and manage the popular sport of Australian football.

  20. Midsomer Murders. It is a British TV series. Inspector Tom Barnaby arrives in a village to investigate the apparent suicide of a man who is found hanging from a windmill during a Michaelmas celebration. While Tom is investigating what he suspects is actually a murder, nine other murders are committed and a barn catches fire. Eventually even Tom works out that the only person left in the village is the murderer. His assistant, who is even stupider, is amazed.

  January 2011

  We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Bonnie Doon, of Bonnie Doon. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. Each year in Melbourne on the final Saturday in September, there is a huge event known as Possibly the Grand Final. Two football teams meet at the MCG and play their hearts out for two hours. The following week they do it again until someone wins. This pattern has been broken only three times; once between 1902 and 1947, once between 1949 and 1976, and once between 1978 and 2009.

  2. True. The atmosphere at a grand final is unbeloyable.

  3. False. The AFL does not have a GDP greater than that of Belgium.

  4. True. When it is completed, the desal plant will produce rain quality water using only a billion mega-nargs of electricity per day. Construction is behind schedule and somewhat over budget because of flooding due to almost continuous heavy rain. This could not have been predicted since it has never happened previously throughout the winter in the Kilcunda area.

  5. True. The desal plant will cost Mr and Mrs T. Payer $18 billion. This is $16 billion over budget. It will then be owned by someone else. This deal was negotiated by Mr and Mrs Payer’s carefully selected representative, Mr J. Brumby, a fifty-seven-year-old male Caucasian, of Melbourne.

  6. False. The plant cannot be converted into a luxury facility for changing the names of women called Sally. This can already be done by deed poll and would in any event, not be a cost-effective use of governmental hubris.

  7. Steve Fielding. A nation mourns.

  8. False. The answer is not to call the show Australia’s Two Next Top Models. The answer is to get the result organised before announcing it.

  9. False. Oprah Winfrey does not receive more government funding than Opera Australia.

  10. The Grand Prix. The DJs claim was only $37 million. And only once.

  11. False. At no stage did Mary MacKillop play a few games in the back pocket for Collingwood.

  12. It sounds like a fan belt problem although check the radio. It could be that Christopher Pyne is being interviewed.

  13. Max Markson. Excema is a skin condition.

  14. False. The purpose of the Commonwealth Games was to highlight the sport, not the seating.

  15. True. Valium is a benzodiazepine. (The Bill is a television programme.)

  16. False. Andrew Robb’s challenge for the deputy leadership was not a scratching. It was withdrawn at the barrier on the vet’s advice, due to bleeding in the off foreleg.

  17. Correct. Channel 7 regularly purchases the right to broadcast live international rugby union. Nobody knows why.

  18. False. The 2010 Australian Swimming Championships were not held in Delhi.

  19. The mine was in Chile. It doesn’t matter where Chile is and it is not known whether it was a coalmine, a tin mine, a goldmine or a diamond mine. It was a mine for goodness’ sake and we had pictures of it.

  20. True. Jeff Kennett claims he was shot at. Four and a half million people are believed to be assisting police with their enquiries.

  September 2011

  We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Sandy Point, of Sandy Point. Excellent work, Sandy. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. Hugh Hefner’s sex life is a key narrative in high-end Australian media.

  2. False. James Murdoch is not available for functions.

  3. False. Bernie Ecclestone doesn’t own the Victorian government. He doesn’t need to.

  4. True. The federal government has some work to do in the mountains. There is no time-trial stage in the carbon debate.

  5. True. Despite their differences on economic policy, social policy, international policy and the future of the planet, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are at one on the big threat facing Australia. They’re both boldly opposed to gay marriage.

  6. The photos show Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. Wayne Swan doesn’t wear a poncho or a hat pulled down over his eyes. Nor does he sort things out quite so effectively.

  7. False. Andy Coulson has not been cleared to play for the Brisbane Lions.

  8. True. The world still somehow has news despite the fact that The News of The World is no longer published.

  9. True. Cadel Evans has announced he will defend his Tour de France title although this does not constitute recycling within the meaning of the legislation.

  10. Christine Nixon. Her assertion that the media hounded her out of office because she is a woman is understandably offensive to the media, since they hounded her successor Simon Overland out of office too and he is a man.

  11. James Magnussen. He is called The Missile because he follows The Thorpedo and swimming commentators are not yet tested for steroids.

  12. The Head of FIFA has been returned to office in a genuinely democratic, completely open and independently supervised ballot due to be held next April.

  13. The US economy. Either it is the most successful in the world or it is $4 trillion in debt. You were asked to tick only one box. It is no use trying to borrow more boxes. There aren’t any more boxes.

  14. False. 37.11.233 is not a secret code or a mysterious theorum. It is a nice afternoon out in the Geelong area.

  15. False. The habit developed in the media
of labelling a story Something-gate in order to indicate its level of intrigue and importance (‘Carbongate’, for example) is not known as Drivelgate.

  16. Incorrect. Robert Doyle is not the coach of Melbourne. He is the lord mayor.

  17. The Australian dollar. For the next four nights it can be seen, with a powerful telescope, high in the eastern sky, between Sirius and Uranus.

  18. False, the Big Bash League has nothing to do with football. It is a cricket competition and promises to be most exciting. Anyone who’d like a game, call Andrew Hilditch by Thursday.

  19. Dean Bailey. Mike Rann was removed by covert activity within his own leadership group.

  20. Wivenhoe Dam. It is built above the residential areas it is designed to supply with gravity-fed water services. This works well so long as it doesn’t fill with water.

  Election 2013

  We had a fantastic response to our Election Special Quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Trent Ham, of Trentham. Well done, Trent. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. Australia is a democracy. Some conditions apply. Please note the position of the exit nearest your seat.

  2. False. The people cannot vote for the person they want as prime minister. They must vote for a candidate in their electorate. Party leadership is a matter for the parties themselves. This is going well.

  3. True. The best way to ensure the defeat of the party you least prefer is to vote for the other one. This is called ‘choice’.

  4. False. Neither of the parties is led by the preferred prime minister. The preferred prime minister is Malcolm Turnbull. One of the reasons he is preferred is that he cannot become prime minister.

  5. False. You cannot vote for Tony Abbott’s daughters or for Thérèse Rein, Jessica Rudd, Antony Green, Dami Im or Cyril Rioli. They are not candidates.

  6. True. The first week of the campaign was between Kevin Bloke and Tony Knackers about who is fair dinkum. The second week was about the economy, which is run by Treasury. Since then it has been about remaining awake.

  7. This was a trick question. In fact they are all true. Tony Abbott won a Rhodes Scholarship, Bill Shorten expects people to vote for him and there is a car called a Range Rover Evoque.

  8. True. In one 24-hour period, Tony Abbott confirmed that no one is the suppository of all knowledge, that a female candidate he supported had sex appeal and that allowing people to marry on the basis that they wanted to would be too radical a change to existing laws. These were the playful errors of a man abundantly qualified to run the country.

  9. True. Kevin Rudd is The Labor Party. There are apparently some local members but Kevin is the founder of the party, owns the copyright and holds all the portfolios in the federal cabinet.

  10. True. There were two days of the campaign on which Tony Abbott did not mention asylum seekers. He wasn’t well. Happily, he’s feeling much better now.

  11. True. Climate change is effecting the global environment, except in Queensland and Western Sydney.

  12. True. ALP strategists got rid of Kevin Rudd because the polls had collapsed and then got rid of Julia Gillard because the polls had collapsed. Their current problem is that the polls have collapsed.

  13. True. Sophie Mirabella has been to her electorate on many occasions.

  14. True. Both parties waited until the electorate was suffering from drivel-fatigue and then launched their campaigns.

  15. False. Bob Katter was not in Dirty Harry although his hat was nominated for an Emmy for its performance in Gunsmoke.

  16. False. Tony Windsor is not a member of the royal family.

  17. True. There is a new TV show called Eden-Monaro. It premiers on Sunday and will be heavily promoted after the polls close tonight. All TV election coverage will be peppered with presenters on all channels repeatedly saying ‘Let’s go to Eden-Monaro’, ‘I’d like to have a look at Eden-Monaro’ and ‘Can we get Eden-Monaro on this thing, Antony?’

  18. True. Other new TV shows also set to be shamelessly promoted throughout the election-night coverage include Robertson, Dobell and Lindsay (comedy/drama about three cops with only one bicycle, trying to bust a drug-ring), LaTrobe and Deakin (a spoof news panel show) and Greenway, Banks and Corangamite (reality show in which fifteen dozen vol-au-vents must be prepared in a house containing only a toaster and a vacuum cleaner).

  19. False. Clive Palmer does not actually face Queensland when he speaks.

  20. True. Media coverage of this election has been uniformly excellent.

  Budget 2014

  We had a wonderful response to our bumper post-Budget quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Jan Juc of Jan Juc. And our congratulations go to you, Jan. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. The picture shows Treasurer Joe Hockey picking up his parliamentary entitlements. This is an example of heavy lifting. Note that he bends at the knees.

  2. False. There is no plan to privatise HECS debt. The reason Christopher Pyne is shifting universities to the ‘interest-free for six months on all whitegoods’ model, is simply a concern for quality in tertiary education.

  3. False. The fact that Tony Abbott has promised something does not mean it will definitely not happen. Try to remember whether the promise was written down, whether it was a ‘solemn’ promise, whether it was ‘fair dinkum’, whether he has ‘moved on’, whether it was ‘fundamentally honest’, whether it was a promise he was ‘determined to keep’, whether it was broken ‘temporarily’ and whether or not there was an election on.

  4. True. Joe Hockey and Mathias Cormann were given the task of leaking the budget and marketing its underlying agenda. The cigars were a masterstroke.

  5. True. The national audit of Australia’s fiscal position did not include a discussion of the government’s income.

  6. True. Joe Hockey’s response to the state of the Australian budget when he came into office was to give $9 billion to the Reserve Bank and announce an inherited liquidity crisis.

  7. True. Tony Shepherd is a corporate leader with particular expertise in running businesses which used to be government infrastructure. His recommendations included the sale of more government infrastructure. This was completely unexpected.

  8. False. When the national audit was announced, Joe Hockey, Tony Shepherd and Mathias Cormann were not laughing at the content of the report and the effect it would have. They were remembering a very amusing story which they’d been told some days previously.

  9. False. It is not true that when Arthur Sinodinos remembered his name during the ICAC hearing, the New South Wales Bar Association rose to its feet and sang the ‘Hallelujah’ chorus.

  10. False. The photograph shows Clive Palmer. Jupiter is a planet.

  11. True. In the city of Melbourne, the streets are available for use by the public provided this wouldn’t cause any inconvenience for property developers, crane operators or construction companies.

  12. True. The finding of the International Court at The Hague was that the Port Adelaide football team is not using opposition sides for scientific experiment. They are simply killing them.

  13. False. It is not possible to obtain results from next season’s cricket fixtures by calling Cricket Australia.

  14. False. Barry O’Farrell still cannot remember being the premier of New South Wales. He stressed that it’s quite an important job and if he’d ever done it, he’s pretty sure he would have remembered it.

  15. False. The photo was not taken during a school outing. The person grinning in the cockpit of the Joint Strike Fighter aircraft is the prime minister, Tony Abbott.

  16. False. George Pell has not been put in charge of rearranging the tables of the money-lenders at the Vatican. He’s gone there to help clean up their finances.

  17. False. There is no connection whatever between the involvement of Denis Napthine in anything and his connection with anything else. He has never met anyone and did not know of his own involvement or that of anyone else in
whatever it was.

  18. False. ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow’ is a line from Game of Thrones. It is not the advice of Mr Snow’s barrister at the ICAC hearings. There is no Mr Snow at the ICAC hearings. If there were, he would know nothing, although the blood would drain from his face slightly when the documents were tabled.

  19. You were asked for the next name in the following sequence: Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, Issac Newton and Albert Einstein. The answer, of course, is Cyril Rioli.

  20. False. The photograph shows a Sesame Street puppet called Beaker. Christopher Pyne is the education minister.

  2014 in Review

  We had a gratifying response to our Year in Review quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Glen Huntly of Glenhuntly. And our congratulations go to you, Glen. A mighty effort. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. Joe Hockey has announced he is using the budget as a shock absorber. The government is also expected to confirm that Tony Abbott is using it as a tie rack and Mathias Cormann is using it as an ashtray.

  2. Correct. There is to be a referendum on whether or not the Constitution should recognise Indigenous Australians. Further referenda are expected to determine the religious denomination of the Pope and to ascertain whether or not the toilet arrangements of bears have any impact on wooded areas.

  3. True. The G20 leaders greatly enjoyed the lecture given to them by Tony Abbott about what he has done in government. On the downside, however, the world’s leaders are now aware of what Tony Abbott has done in government.

  4. True. The ALP hates the Greens because the electorate is concerned about environmental issues and although the ALP’s environmental policy includes a formal acknowledgement of photosynthesis and comes in an excellent folder, the mustard remain uncut.

  5. True. The reason the Oscar Pistorius trial received blanket television coverage in Australia remains a mystery. Shots of people we don’t know milling about in a courtroom in another country were broadcast around the clock. We might just leave it there but we’ll go back as soon as any development appears likely.

 

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