Tinkering

by John Clarke

  6. False. You are perhaps thinking of a urinary tract infection. Sepp Blatter is the head of FIFA.

  7. True. Malcolm Turnbull interpreted Tony Abbott’s promise of no cuts to the ABC or SBS as not really a promise because the context had changed. Mr Turnbull later retired hurt.

  8. True. Treasury’s income assumptions were reported missing in the ACT in July and search teams are expected to continue combing the area with sonar equipment, until March.

  9. False. Bronwyn Bishop is not a bouncer. She is the Speaker of the House of Representatives. A bouncer throws out anyone he doesn’t like the look of.

  10. True. George Pell discovered that the Vatican’s fortunes are in much better shape than expected because hundreds of millions of Euros were hidden in accounts in various banks. For some reason these accounts were not officially recorded. Thankfully George has found no evidence of wrongdoing.

  11. True. The best performers in the federal government are said to be Andrew Robb and the man who bangs on the parliament door with a big stick.

  12. True. Nick Xenophon is an anthropologist. He studies human behaviour in the Australian senate and has his own documentary series called ‘The News’.

  13. True. Clive Palmer has described Barnaby Joyce as a fat red-faced man who is under terrible pressure. The kettle was not available for comment.

  14. True. Joe Hockey will remain as treasurer until every comma in the budget has been removed, changed, denied, reversed, inverted or interpreted to mean its opposite.

  15. False. The term ‘hospital pass’ is used in sport to indicate that someone has been set up by his own side, to be thumped. Malcolm Turnbull was put in charge of snookering the NBN and reducing the ABC and SBS because of his experience in the communications industry.

  16. False. It was an impertinence and an insult to the Abbott government for President Obama to make a speech about the importance of finding alternative sources of energy. A spokesman for the planet was not available since he was making a speech about the importance of finding alternative sources of energy.

  17. True. Christopher Pyne voted to reduce the ABC’s funding and then petitioned the government in which he is a minister to prevent ABC funding from being reduced in Adelaide. The coroner has yet to release a report but police say there are no suspicious circumstances.

  18. True. Nobody knows how the Abbott government got in. It is now thought that aliens may have neutralised the brains of the Australian population on 7 September 2013. The four Australians who actually voted for Tony have all now come out against him in their fiercely independent newspaper columns.

  19. False. Greg Hunt.

  20. False. When the Essendon football team plays next year, the TV coverage will not be out of focus. The blurry effect is just used in news footage, in case anyone finds out what the players look like.

  21. True. When the new rules come into force, Adam Scott will have to get rid of his putter. (Lord, hear our prayer.)

  22. False. The picture shows Eric Abetz. The Grinch who stole Christmas is a fictional character.

  23. Correct. The Age of Entitlement is over. (There are some exceptions to this. Please check your postcode.)

  24. True. Because of a downturn in iron ore prices and a blowout in Australia’s deficit projections, the February Unemployment Number will jackpot to April, the May Economic Statement will move to June, the panic set down for July will be rescheduled for late August and the September claim that it’s not Joe’s fault will become part of the October austerity measures.

  25. True. Australia’s commitment to foreign aid has been buried at sea following a private ceremony. Our hearts go out to no one.

  Saint Paul’s Letter to the Electorates

  The electorate beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

  Chapter 1

  i)And so it was, after the time of John, that Kevin went out to meet the enemies of his people. For their enemies were numerous and the people were sore afraid. For the moneylenders had put their own house asunder and the crops faileth in the field and drought was upon the land.

  ii)And the people looked at Kevin with confusion in their hearts and they sayeth each to the other. ‘He is only a boy. And surely he will be done, yea, even unto a dinner.’

  iii)But Kevin raiseth up his hand and he calmeth his people, saying, ‘Listeneth thou to me,’ and he then spoke for some time and he laid out a plan. And the people were greatly relieved and they offered up praises and hosannas saying, ‘Go Kevin.’ For the plan was good. And this was reflected in the polls. For they went nuts.

  iv)And Kevin putteth the plan into action. And he said unto Wayne, ‘Mate, poureth thee thy money into the marketplace.’ And Wayne betook himself into the desert, where he sat alone for a long time, looking at the surplus. For he was wrestling with his soul.

  v)And at this time in the land, the Pharisees met and lo, he that was called Brendan was sacrificed and a new leader was anointed. And his name was called Malcolm. And Malcolm sayeth as follows: ‘Although I am opposed to Kevin, for he is not top drawer, Kevin is correct on this matter of the ETS.’

  vi)And chief among the Pharisees was Nicholas. And Nicholas looked upon Malcolm and liked him not. And Nicholas bideth his time.

  vii)And Kevin sayeth to Penny, who was in the senate, ‘Penny, the crops withereth away and the sun beateth down upon the face of the earth and it raineth not. Therefore buyeth thee back the rivers, prepareth thee thy ETS and packeth thee thy bag. For verily, this is a problem for all the world and we are the hope of the side.’

  viii)And it was so. For Kevin and Penny travelled for many days and many nights to the land that is the Mark of Den. For the heads of many tribes were also gathered there. For they saw that the earth was getting warmer. And they knew not what to do.

  ix)And Kevin and Penny took neither rest nor sleep. For they worked XXIV/VII and took they no respite. And they told the other leaders of their plan. And the other leaders shaketh their heads. And unfortunately they shaketh them not up and down but from side to side.

  x)And lo, Kevin and Penny returned to their people saying, ‘We have tried everything. We cannot get agreement from these bozos. For they all agree, except about doing anything.’

  xi)And the people said, ‘Where is our ETS?’ And Kevin replied, saying, ‘Holdeth thee thy horses. Seest thou this in some context. Fixeth we not the economy? For it was laid waste and now is the envy of the world.’ And the people looked and saw that it was so.

  xii)‘Very good work,’ they said. ‘But where is the ETS?’

  xiii)And Malcolm agreed with the people, saying, ‘Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not a carbon market, I am as a sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.’

  xiv)And the Pharisees met again for a second time and there was a mighty racket and lo, he that was called Anthony spoke to the people, saying, ‘Malcolm chooseth to spend a little more time with his family. For I, Anthony, am now your leader and the ETS is as ordure upon the face of the earth and will not pass, for we will prevent same in the senate.’ xv)For Nicholas lineth up Malcolm and he smote him hip and thigh. And there was a miracle. For Julie voted for both sides. And there was a great sadness. For Joe stood also, and Joe corketh his thigh in the engagement.

  Chapter 2

  i)And it came to pass that in the time of Kevin there was peace and prosperity in the land. And the people offered up thanks, saying, ‘Blessed are the relativists, for Kevin is better than the available alternative.’

  ii)And Kevin travelled widely throughout the land. And he carried with him many shekels and wherever Kevin went, he pressed shekels upon his people saying, ‘Take this. And buildeth thy house and bungeth thee thy insulation in the ceiling.’

  iii)But there was a problem with this. For it assumeth that the cost of insulation is in shekels. And it was not so. For there was a human cost, and there was weeping and a gnashing of teeth. For perhaps the bunging was insufficiently regula
ted.

  iv)And came there a man called Peter. And he was a maker of music and a dancer, although he was rather jerky in this latter discipline and it maketh complete sense that he got out of that line of work. For he was now with Kevin and was among his people. And was charged with matters relating to insulation and the bunging of same.

  v)And Peter spake. And the people lost all hope. And their eyes glazeth over, and their heads droopeth and in some cases they slippeth into repose. For Peter lacketh brevity. And there was great disappointment in the land. For Peter seemeth to say, ‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’

  vi)And the people said, ‘Verily, thou art thy brother’s keeper. For that is thy job, Peter. And the buck stoppeth with you and your kind.’ And Kevin rose up before them and said, ‘My people, cavil ye not. For I have brought you through the valley of the shadow. Therefore go forth with confidence and spend the shekels I have given you.’

  vii)And the people said, ‘No worries on that issue.’ For they had spent the shekels on the pod that is called i and the pad that is called i and the phone that is called i. And Kevin said, ‘Be comforted, then, for thou art blessed, for I am thy leader.’

  viii)And the people said unto Kevin, ‘Bloweth thee not thine own trumpet too loudly. For the walls that come tumbling down might be thine own. And where is thy ETS?’

  ix)And Kevin replied, saying, ‘It is on the back burner. And incidentally, Peter decideth to spend a little more time with his family.’

  x)And Anthony saw a great light. And he gathereth up his tribe, who were opposed to Kevin, saying, ‘Brethren, and you other lot as well. Seize the day. For lo, Kevin struggleth, and he manageth not. And I cannot afford to bide my time, for I have one shot at this. So let’s go.’

  xi)And his tribe spoke, saying, ‘How will it be?’ And Anthony told them his plan, which was as follows: ‘Kevin is a tin man, but I am an iron man. For I have smugglers of many colours. And they lack not brevity. And my body is full and ripe and a thing of great loveliness.’ And the people looked upon Anthony and upon his body, and they saw that it was so.

  xii)And Anthony said an ETS was like unto many cubits of dung. And the scribes went to him and they asked him about this, and he denied it three times, saying, ‘Forgive me. For I know not what I say. For my words are not what I mean. For sometimes I engage in rhetorical hyperbole.’

  xiii)And the scribes said, ‘Dost thou bear false witness?’ And Anthony was greatly troubled, for he knew his problem was words, and he restricted himself to the use of one letter. And it was the letter R, which he repeateth a number of times.

  xiv)And the people shook their heads and said, ‘Truly, he is a very limited unit.’

  xv)And Anthony said, ‘The truth is written.’ And the people said, ‘Yea. Whatever.’

  xvi)And there came a great change in the land. For while the Kevinites and the Anthonites were fighting, there was yet another tribe and its name was called Green, and its leader was called Brown. And they had many tents and were numerous. For they had gone forth and multiplied.

  xvii)And there were among the Kevinites those who studied the signs, and they said, ‘The position is not good. For Kevin looseth the plot, and must be replaced.’ And their names were called Arbib and Shorten, and there were others with them and among them, and they counted up the numbers. And they spoke not to the scribes but went to Julia, and they anointed her, saying, ‘It’s your job to tell Kevin. We’ll hold your coat.’

  xviii)And so it was that the time of Kevin ran out, and though it shitteth him, he saw that it was so. And the leader was Julia. And Julia looked to the factions, whence cometh her help, and said, ‘Placeth thou thy trust in me, moving forward.’

  xvix)And it was on for young and old.

  Chapter 3

  i)And at the time of the Assumption of Julia there was rejoicing. And there was also some confusion. And these in equal parts. For within the duration of one day the people were vouchsafed two leaders. And they knew not how to judge the quick and the dead.

  ii)And Julia calmed the people, saying, ‘We are found who had lost our way.’ And she brought forth a plan, and it was threefold, saying;

  iii)‘Blessed are those who dig in the earth and profiteth from the treasure therein, for they shall see me afterwards.

  iv)‘Blessed are those who hunger and search after a carbon price, for to them it shall be given.

  v)‘Blessed are the fearful and those who would deny succour to the persecuted, for they shall be put on a committee.’

  vi)And some of those who were called Green began to leave their tents to follow Julia. And some of those who were created equally with men began also to follow Julia. And there was movement across the land.

  vii)And Anthony became greatly distressed, and cried out, ‘They are murderers who have done this to Kevin, for Kevin was good.’

  viii)And the people said, ‘Dids’t thou not declare against Kevin and avow oaths against him, and spit upon him and call him an abomination? And dids’t thou not also murder Malcolm and usurp his crown?’

  ix)And Anthony said, ‘Thou must not take any notice of what I say. For I am fair dinkum.’ But there was yet disquiet about the spilling of Kevin, for it was done by the factions. And they were faceless, and it was done with great suddenness and it was done in the deepest dark of night.

  x)And there were in the land many scribes and their importance was beyond estimation, for their columns were manifold.

  xi)And when Kevin was vanquished and his body removed from that place, the scribes spoke, sometimes through a glass or two, darkly, saying, ‘Julia must make atonement. For Kevin hath led his people out of the wilderness and is now despised and rejected of men, and behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto his sorrow.’

  xii)And they went to Julia, and asked her how it was. And she looked also upon Kevin in his grief, and said, ‘I do not wish to canvass with you now, at this time, the events that occurred on the night prior to my Assumption.’ And the scribes were discontent, and busy in their minds, for that is the way with scribes.

  xiii)And Julia stood before the people and told them of the tradition.

  xiv)‘For Gough begat Malcolm and Malcolm begat Bob. And Bob begat Paul, although this was attended not by the cherubim or the seraphim but by both argy and bargy. For Bob stayeth somewhat upon his leaving and Paul requireth the heavy artillery to come into his estates. And Paul begat John. And in his time, John begat Kevin. And this is the tradition of our people.’

  xv)And there was one among the leaders called Lindsay, who was a Tanner and whose father was a Tanner before him. And he had apparently long harboured a desire to spend a bit more time with his family, for he draweth stumps and leaveth by the first donkey. And his place was taken by those that were Green.

  xvi)And the scribes were now turned on Julia and wrote many Jeremiads recording the fall of Kevin. And time pressed sorely upon them as they wrote their lamentations. And they were not able to record that they had opposed Kevin and mocked him and called him a dullard and a buffoon and a dissembler.

  xvii)And Julia spoke to the people, saying, ‘There will be a mighty reckoning between the tribes. Therefore enrolleth thee thy name in the lists and firmeth up thy judgement. For it is the law.’

  Chapter 4

  i)And a time had been set down for the reckoning, and the people girded up their loins, and began to prepare. For there was much to consider.

  ii)And the scribes assembled, in their place, for Julia appeared at the club which was called Press. And there was a time to every purpose; a time for taking bread and a time to drink, a time for speaking and a time to refrain from speaking, a time for listening and a time for asking questions.

  iii)And there was in that assembly one whose name was called Oakes. And he rose to ask a question and, seeing this, the room fell still, for there is also a time of foreboding, and for wondering what will happen next.

  iv)And this was a sign, and they witnessed the sign. For it was a long que
stion, and it had many parts and sub-clauses and subjunctives and room for a pool with a sundeck cantilevered out over the lawn.

  v)And although Kevin was cast into outer darkness, the words of Kevin seemeth to come through the Oaken one. And the voice of Kevin was vengeful.

  vi)And the scribes looked each at his neighbour, saying, ‘Behold, the voice of Kevin is manifest. And this lowereth the tone somewhat but we will go with it.’

  vii)And Julia looked upon the multitude and said, ‘Joy of joys, the Oaken one moveth among us. But he bringeth the gift of doubt and of vengeance; and doubt feedeth upon doubt, and vengeance destroyeth all things. And let us therefore set these matters aside, and languish not, but move forward.’

  viii)But the scribes heeded no longer the policies of Julia and nor yet the policies of Anthony, but told they the people that the voice of Kevin liveth, and it was vengeful, and it speaketh through the Oaken one.

  ix)And the Anthonians gave thanks to the blessed St Kevin, the martyr, for they loveth his work.

  x)And there was a debate between Julia and Anthony, and when the people saw it they said, ‘Where is Bob, who is Green? For he hath the balance of power, and yet we hear him not amidst the tumult. Callest thou this a debate? Thou cans’t not be serious.’

  xi)And the first thing Anthony said during the debate was that he had taken to him a wife, and they had been blessed with progeny. And in coming days there were further revelations. For it transpireth his wife was a woman, and his daughters also were women. Lo, even his mother was a woman. And this was remarkable.

  xii)And the people were astonished, for Anthony previously appeareth coarsely made and was an hairy man and showeth himself in the smugglers, although he possibly misconstrueth the meaning of the tabernacle.

  xiii)And still the scribes hammereth on about the Oaken one and Kevin’s voice. And the voice spake again, and this time it spake about support for the little children, and the voice said there was one who was opposed to support for the little children; and it was Julia.