Tinkering

by John Clarke

  xiv)And Julia was angry and they asked her, ‘How can it be that all this stuff leaketh?’ And she replied, ‘I know not how this cometh to be. But when I find out, stand ye well back, for there will be smiting, and I mean that most sincerely.’

  xv)But the people were not satisfied, for although Kevin hath one voice, they hath many and could speak volumes. And they saw not their concerns represented, and they saw not leadership and they asked again, ‘Where is the ETS?’ And answer came there none.

  xvi)And the people were cast down, and they referred to the sacred texts, which said ‘omg, wtf’ and ‘lol’. And many of the texts also said ‘cul8r’.

  xvii)And those who were Green went back out of Julia’s tent and Anthony rose up in the polls. And it was a time of confusion. For there were dogs being whistled all over the place. And it degenerateth into farce.

  Chapter 5

  i)And so it was that the people found themselves in the desert, and were desolate, and they knew not what to do.

  ii)For they had elected Kevin, and Kevin was sacrificed.

  iii)And they witnessed the Assumption of Julia, who had attended upon the sacrifice.

  iv)And the scribes cursed both he who was sacrificed and they who did the sacrificing. And the people looked upon the scribes, and saw that they haveth it both ways.

  v)And the people saw also Brendan sacrificed and Malcolm sacrificed, and they observed the rise of Anthony, who was locked up by his minders in case he said something, for he faileth to meet the KPIs in certain crucial respects.

  vi)And there were doubters among the people. And they called out, saying, ‘Why endureth we these stories, when they are told to us by seed spillers?’

  vii)‘And why witnesseth we a presidential campaign, when we have no president?’

  viii)‘And why chooseth we one of two, and yet there are three?’

  ix)‘And for the Cth time, where is the ETS?’

  x)And there was a rumbling sound and the Earth trembled and there was a celestial light. And there came before the people a man of seraphic appearance, and he was fair of hair and somewhat circular of dial, and the people rubbed their eyes. And the man spoke, and they knew him.

  xi)And they said, ‘It is Kevin!’ And verily, it was Kevin.

  xii)And they said to him, ‘Is what we see before us a resurrection?’ And he said, ‘No, it’s just the way I’m standing.’ And they said, ‘Where hast thou been?’ And he answered, saying, ‘I was unwell in the viscera.’ And they said, ‘And was thou shortened again?’ And he said, ‘I’ll do the jokes thanks. I was shortened once and it will never happen again. What occureth the second time was a cholecystectomy.’

  xiii)And they said, ‘And will’st thou be working with Julia?’ And he said, ‘I’m not sure ‘with’ is quite the term we’re searching for there, but I’m here to help, for the barbarians are at the gate.’ And they said ‘Even after she performeth a Kevinectomy?’ And he said, ‘The past is another country. They do things differently there.’

  xiv)And the Earth trembled once more and the people looked up in wonderment, for another familiar figure appeared. For lo, John stood before them at a lecturn, with both arms in the air and Asian motifs in the background.

  xv)And the people looked at one another and said, ‘Hast thy deja just become vu?’

  xvi)And there was a roaring sound, as of madness, and the seas parted, and thence came Mark. And Julia had not time to prepare. But it did not matter, for Mark barketh, ‘I am Mark. Look upon me, for I am Mark. Observe thou the Markness of me, for I am me, which is Mark,’ and this requireth little by way of response.

  xvii)And Julia sayeth to herself, ‘Giveth me strength. For there is a plague on my house, like unto locusts, which arrive in their season and darken the air and consume every herb and nourishing thing.’

  xviii)And then the Oaken one also appeareth, saying Mark was bitter, and disruptive, and should be cast out. And the people said, ‘Like, Hello.’

  xix)And Anthony had a launch, and spake unto the people, using many adjectives. But he keepeth well away from policies, for this was the danger area.

  xx)And the polls indicateth a nip and tuck affair. And there were twelve days and twelve nights to go.

  Chapter 6

  i)Now, after the afflictions of Mark, which were grievous, and the agonies of the Oaken one, which were piteous, and the intercession of Barnaby, which beggareth belief, and a special guest appearance from Andrew, which surpasseth all understanding, the people began to prepare for the counting. For the reckoning was imminent, and the polls were undecided.

  ii)And there came forth a messenger, from Babylon, saying, ‘Rejoice, for Kevin has received preferment and walketh into some big job at AllTribes.’ And this was a healing balm, for Kevin cometh off a run of outs following a shock departure in the heats of the Internecine War.

  iii)And Julia went up to the mountain, which was called Q’anda, and there she stood alone and was questioned by the multitude.

  iv)And there were those who looked kindly upon her and there were those who looked ill upon her and she played each delivery on its merits, and the selectors were impressed, and she was installed in the Book of Likelihood at $1.20, in from $2.65.

  v)And there came forth a priest, whose name was called George, and he stood in full raiment before the people, and he raised up his voice, saying, ‘Giveth not thy support to those who are Green, for they are camouflaged poison and many are Stalinists supporting Soviet oppression.’ And the people were greatly amused, and rolleth on the ground, clutching their girth, slapping their thighs and calling for oxygen.

  vi)And the church leaders looketh at each other, saying, ‘And we wonder why the numbers are falling off.’ And they moveth away, and distanced themselves from George, who was a bull, and who taketh the precaution of bringing his own china shop. vii)And there was brought forth a proposal. Each of the three leaders except one, would appear before another multitude, at the Hill of Rooty. And proceedings would be recorded by the dock of myrrh, whence cometh fairness and balance.

  viii)And it was so arranged, and the people gathered, and their questions were the voice of sweet reason, and those who wished to see it looked to the firmament, for coverage was exclusive to the sky.

  ix)And the oracles read the signs, and were divers in their judgements, and they reproached one another, saying, ‘thy figures are wrong, for thy sample is wanting in magnitude,’ or, ‘thou asketh the wrong question, of the wrong people, in the wrong province.’

  x)However, the people placeth not their trust in oracles, for they knoweth that a swing may not be uniform, and they were watchful.

  xi)But the oracles continued to make pronouncements, after their kind, for that is the way with oracles. And the scribes seizeth upon anything at this stage.

  xii)And the people looked at what lay before them, for in five days and five nights they must choose. And this in every family and in each generation and in all parts of the promised land.

  xiii)And the books were divided. For Julia hath Timothy and Chronicles but she hath not Solomon.

  xiv)And Anthony hath Acts and Revelation but he hath not Ruth.

  xv)And Bob hath Proverbs and Lamentations but he hath not Numbers.

  xvi)And the people, who had endured much and had suffered much and were weary, looked up with hope in their hearts.

  xvii)For there was light at the end of the tunnel.

  Chapter 7

  i)And Anthony in his turn went also up to the mountain, which was called Q’anda, and showed himself to the multitude.

  ii)And those who toil and spin taketh him aside beforehand, saying, ‘We have looked upon the multitude, and it is not all alien corn. Keepeth therefore thy straight face when the Kevin lookalike gets up, and remember thy lines.’

  iii)And it was so. And the people brought forth questions for Anthony, and he responded, for responding is easier than answering. For it revealeth not thy real position, assuming thou hast one.

 
; iv)And they had many questions, and were respectful, and even when Anthony faileth to grasp the occasional point, such as the broadness of band, they showed him great kindness.

  v)And there rose up among them a man, and he had fought in battles for the nation, and had returned home and taken to him a wife and they had children. And the man loveth his children, and was proud, but was also troubled. For his own begotten son was different, and the law was opposed to difference.

  vi)But the father so loved his son that his understanding grew and he asked Anthony why he, too, did not allow his understanding to grow.

  vii)And Anthony touched another man on the arm and laughed. And Anthony denied the man, and denied his son.

  viii)And the people saw that Julia also baulketh on this issue.

  ix)But the people baulketh not, except in Baulkham Hills, Baulkington and Upper Baulkwood, all of which were marginal, and swingeth in very light zephers.

  x)And the people asked Anthony also about economics and health and education, but he troubleth not the scorer, which was good for Anthony. For with Anthony, nothing is a real cool hand.

  xi)And so the lines were drawn. And Julia stood with her forces, who arrangeth for Kevin to walk the plank and playeth into the hands of the scribes and dissemblers, who looketh like a circus but turneth out to be four horsemen.

  xii)And Anthony stood with his forces. And they repeateth day and night that they were not Julia. For such was their confidence in the ability of the people to grasp complex issues.

  xiii)And Bob, who was called Brown, and who was Green, also stood in the field, but the scribes saw him not, nor counted his people nor asked questions of Bob. And this was remarkable, for Bob would control the senate.

  xiv)And the people took up their staff and their rod, and they went to the place where the booths were arranged, and they stood in little cardboard alcoves, with pencils and pieces of paper. For that is how these miracles are performed.

  xv)And it was done.

  xvi)And they gathered in their houses, and they took wine and food.

  xvii)And they waited to see what they had done.

  xviii)For how could they get out of this with a halfway sensible result?

  Chapter 8

  i)And it was written that on the day before the Sabbath the people would gather together in a public place and accept burnt offerings, tip tomato sauce down their fronts, cast their votes and return to their homes. And when the darkness had fallen, and after they had uncorked their evening meal and begun to engage in wassail, there came the sound of a great counting.

  ii)And as the counting advanced there emerged a pattern, and it was like unto that established by Noah. For the votes came in two by two, one of each kind with one each of the other kind, until the Ark was full.

  iii)For the people had chosen equally, and by close of play neither Julia nor Anthony could rule in the land. And so it was that the result hung in the scales of balance for many days and many nights, and was undecided.

  iv)And calls were made to the uttermost parts of the land, including to Solomon, who was wise, for this would make a nice change.

  v)And there were those who lacked dependence, but gaineth much, and were not part of the tribes of neither Julia nor Anthony. And they carryeth all before them in the counting and were victorious, each in his area and after his kind. And they were agreed on one issue. And it was Barnaby. For they haveth no time for same.

  vi)And they were courted by the Julianites and the Anthonites, yea, even as the counting was done.

  vii)And the scribes looked at the figures and they all agreed that they had seen it coming, and were not surprised, and had predicted exactly this result, for it was always on the cards and was inevitable for the following reasons, which they listed. For the scribes see all things, and hear all things, and know all things.

  viii)But one factor sneaketh up even upon the scribes. For Bob, who was Brown and who was also Green, turneth out not only to control the senate but to have a big romp downstairs as well. For those who were Green had gone forth and multiplied. And this was a feature of proceedings.

  ix)And after a time, late in the evening of the counting, Julia came forth and spoke to the multitude, and they called her name. And although she had suffered losses in all parts of the country, she calmeth the people, and pointeth out that according to law she was still the caretaker leader, or janitor.

  x)And Anthony came forth also and the multitude called also his name, and his wife’s name, for the wassail was well in hand by this stage and the people were up for anything they could dance to.

  xi)And Anthony acknowledged his triumph, and explained how he had done this remarkable thing.

  xii)And this was unusual. For he had not won.

  xiii)And Kevin spoke also, and as is indicated in the form guide, he spoke for some time and was fulsome in his praise for his own efforts and for his many qualities. And the people were pleased to see him up and about again, although this was a good time to put the kettle on.

  xiv)And Bob, who was Brown, calleth it a victory for those who were Green. And it was so. And Bob was most excited, and fighteth the urge to pull his top up over his head and run around the field with outstretched arms.

  xv)For there was a large swing to Bob.

  xvi)And there was another swing which was even bigger than Bob’s swing, and it was a swing to informality. And those with long white beards stroked them at this point, saying, ‘Yikes. A great many of the people have lost interest in these matters.’ xvii)And messengers were sent out by the Julianites and the Anthonites to their imaginary friends at the Oakshottery, and in the House of Windsor and among the Kattermites. And they were experienced, and they understood, and were responsible, and they all spoke of the need for stable government. And the leaders agreed, saying, ‘Absolutely. Now, how about some steak knives?’

  xviii)And the people waited, for there was nothing else to do, and they were getting quite good at it.

  Chapter 9

  i)And so it was that the moon grew full in its season and the people brought their cattle in for shelter, and their sheep and their goats also. And at sunrise they went out once more, putting their animals to graze in the field. And they did this many times, for such was the diurnal round. And the moon waned in its turn, and still the counting went on.

  ii)And in the tents of the leaders there were talks with those who were brought forth by the people but lacketh affiliation. And they were divers in their opinions and spake sometimes jointly and sometimes severally and in the case of colloquy with Barnaby, sometimes not at all.

  iii)And there were some who looked upon the confusion and said, ‘From chaos comes order, and this is good.’

  iv)And there were others who thought the people should be sent back to the booths. ‘For the Julianites and the Anthonites haveth each many times the support of the unaffiliated, and it is not mete that the tail waggeth the dog.’

  v)And Bob who was Brown and was also Green was not of this view. For he playeth a blinder in the previous round and he expresseth his view at the time. And it was, ‘Thank you linesmen; thank you ball boys.’

  vi)And the scribes began to write the history of the time. And they were greatly troubled, and reported a plague of cynicism and shallowness, and of narrowness of issues, and of slogans and trivia. And they were sore distressed, for their intellectual rigour was offended by the shambles they saw before them.

  vii)But what the people had done was simple, and they understood it, for it conformeth with the tenets and the teachings. And these underpinneth the laws and provideth the foundations of justice.

  viii)Thou shalt not identify a great moral challenge and put off dealing with it.

  ix)In a system where the people choose the leader, thou shalt not topple the leader without consulting them.

  x)And generally speaking thou shalt not consort with faceless geezers hiding in the drapery with sharp objects.

  xi)And most importantly thou shalt not toss the mortal
remains of a former leader out in the street the next morning and invoice the people for the cleanup. For there will be retribution, and it shall be in spades.

  xii)And ask not upon whom the retribution shall be visited. For it shall be visited upon thee.

  xiii)And while I’ve got you all here, thou cans’t not logically remove thy leader on the basis that he knoweth not what he is doing, if thou art helping him do it. For this will blow up in thy face.

  xiv)And so it was that the Julianites lost those who were green and those who were blue. And were themselves lost.

  xv)And thou shalt not look upon the dryness of the land and the rivers, and say to the people who live on that land and have not water, ‘This is not happening. Look over there. For we are being invaded by boats.’

  xvi)Thou shalt make sense in thy utterances, for people like that sort of thing.

  xvii)If thou damneth those who assassinate their leader, be not the beneficiary of assassinating thy leader. And if thou pointeth out that thine enemies are made up of factions, haveth not thine own divisions so deeply riven that they produce the independents, for they may control thy destiny.

  xviii)And so it was that the Anthonites lost those who were green and those who had grown to adulthood. And were themselves lost.

  xvix)And after many days the tent flap opened and out stepped Julia and Bob, who was Green and whose dentist will be very pleased, and they waveth a piece of paper saying, ‘Peace in our time.’

  xx)And on this same day, there also emergeth officials from Treasury, who were skilled at calculations, and were particularly adept in the area of addition. And they also carried a piece of paper. And they said, ‘Anthony. Joseph. Headmaster’s office. Now.’

  xxi)And the tent flap rustled again a third time, and there came forth Andrew whose name was called Wilkie, and he singeth a song from the double white album. And it was ‘Julia’.

  xxii)And then there were three. And the moon rose again in its season. And the people looked at each other and said, ‘Can’t be long now.’