‘What’s happening?’ Johnny asks finally.
‘I don’t know. Dan took me by surprise when he asked me out. I’ve never even seen him before. And I don’t normally go out with anyone who asks. It’s just that, well, I thought of you, and how you’d be with your wife and that made me feel miserable. I feel awful for it, if that makes it any better.’
‘Do you like him?’ He knows he sounds like a child, but he feels like one.
‘He’s a sweet guy. I told him that it wouldn’t happen again.’
‘You jumped out of the taxi on him.’
‘I see he filled you in on all the details. Saves me from doing so.’ She is visibly annoyed, but really she is scared.
‘Don’t blame him, he was upset. I’m upset.’ Johnny is angry again.
‘You’re upset because I left him in a cab?’
‘No, I’m upset that you went out with him.’
‘Financial advisers have expanded their brief, haven’t they?’ She sounds bitchy, which she wouldn’t have done in her role, but her role is fading.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he snaps. For a minute he thinks they sound like a bickering couple.
‘It’s supposed to mean that you have no right to be upset that I was with him.’
‘I know.’
‘And I have no right to be upset that you’re at home with your wife every night.’
‘Grace, what’s happening here? I barely know you but I feel as if my world is being shaken.’
‘Like a snowstorm?’
‘What?’
‘You know, those snowstorms that you shake and the snow comes down.’ She looks dreamy, because she is imagining a life, a life never lived, where she was the woman that Johnny married; she was his wife. She wants to be that woman.
‘I don’t give a fuck about snowstorms but I do care about you.’
‘I care about you too.’
‘But.’
‘But you’re married and you love your wife.’
‘Yes. I do. Grace, I don’t know what to do.’
‘Neither do I. I was going to tell you something today, but I didn’t.’
‘What?’
‘Actually I was going to call you tomorrow, and I was going to tell you that I was leaving the country.’
‘But you aren’t?’
‘No, I’m not. But I thought that if I walked away now, then it would be best all round.’ She looks at him and slightly relaxes her legs. Her knee brushes his and she feels as if she is on fire. How can she walk away from him? Then she lifts her head and she sees that he is staring at her as if he is boring a hole into her.
‘I shouldn’t have come.’
‘No.’
She is glad that he has, and she has decided that she will do whatever it takes to get him. She has to, otherwise the only conclusion she will draw about herself is that she hates herself. She doesn’t and she loves him, and that is worth fighting for. She told Betty to fight, and now she will tell herself the same. If she can get him on a Saturday, then it will only be a matter of time. Phase Six is going into action: spending leisure time with him is tantamount to a love affair. People will think they are a couple, and he will begin to think he wants them to be a couple. He is confused, she knows that and it breaks her heart, but she loves him, and there isn’t anything she can do to change that. She should walk away but her legs won’t take her.
‘What next?’
‘Golf.’
‘What?’
‘You said you like golf, and I love it. I’ve got membership of the Python Club.’
‘No one can get membership there.’
‘I can, and I have. Play golf with me, Johnny. It’ll clear our heads.’
‘You think?’
‘Saturday. Play with me then. We’ll have a round of golf, some lunch, and then we’ll talk about what to do.’
‘Betty?’
‘She lets you play golf occasionally, surely? Anyway, you’re not doing anything wrong.’
‘I feel that I am.’
‘Johnny, we’re not having an affair. Golf, yes or no?’
‘Yes.’ He wants to say no, but yes comes out instead. He cannot help himself, but he tells himself that after that, they will stop. Grace isn’t putting pressure on him; she isn’t trying to draw him into infidelity. If she was doing that, then he’d know. And he is afraid of that, because if she took her clothes off, or kissed him, then he is unsure he is strong enough to say no. ‘I should go now,’ he says. It is half-past six.
‘OK.’ She smiles.
‘But I don’t want to.’
‘OK.’
‘Can we just talk a bit or something?’ He doesn’t want to be physical, but he doesn’t want to leave.
‘I know, can you play rummy?’
He nods and Grace goes to get the playing cards.
Betty goes home after her shopping trip and puts the bags into the wardrobe. Then she decides to unpack them, although she feels a bit dirty. She has never got involved in things like that before, not really. Sexy underwear, a tiny bit of role playing, but nothing like this. She feels naughty and she giggles as she takes everything out. She pulls out the vibrator and hopes that Johnny won’t be intimidated by its size. She giggles. Then she unpacks the rest. Body paint, handcuffs, different types of pleasure condoms, porno videos, blindfold, a game where you have to perform sex acts as forfeits, and crotchless undies. She decides that she will keep them hidden until the weekend, and then she will bring Johnny breakfast in bed, and keep him there all day. That will spice things up nicely. She hides everything in her wardrobe. Johnny never goes in there.
They have never had a boring sex life, and there has been no indication of either of them going off the boil, but it doesn’t hurt to introduce new things. Just in case.
She is also taking more care over her appearance. She used to get in from work and change, but now she keeps her work clothes on, even the high heels (her feet hate her but they’ll forgive her). She reapplies her make-up and she ensures the house is spotless when he gets home. Superwife is here to stay. She goes to the bathroom to do her hair and fix her make-up before leaving for the bar. It is not pathetic to want to please your man. No one can say that it is.
‘Where the fuck is he?’
It is half-past seven, and Betty, Alison and Matt are all sitting at a table in Barnie’s.
‘Maybe he got held up.’ Matt thinks he is being helpful and he doesn’t notice the look of disdain in Betty’s eyes.
‘Why isn’t he answering his phone?’ She is snappy, angry, her evening is ruined. She knows where he is; he is with her.
‘Because he’s probably been held up on the tube.’ Matt smiles, and Betty scowls at him. He retreats as if she will spit.
‘Matt, hon, why don’t you go and order another glass of wine each for us?’ Alison notes that Betty has finished hers, and as they didn’t expect to be waiting for long they didn’t order a bottle. Without protest Matt gets up and goes to the bar.
‘He’s with her.’ There is so much rage inside her. Betty spent all afternoon buying lesbian porn to keep him happy and now he’s with her. Well, Betty decides, she is not giving up. She will fight to the death for her husband. Grace doesn’t stand a chance against her and her lesbian porn.
‘You don’t know that.’ Alison prays this is true, but she has a bad feeling. There is no denying that Johnny’s behaviour has changed; but then so has Betty’s.
‘He’d phone normally. You know that as well as I do.’
‘But Matt is probably right for once. He might be stuck in a tunnel.’
‘Or he might be with her.’
‘Betty, you have to put a stop to this. Call Grace, tell her to stuff the article, and call the bet off.’
‘I can’t. Fiona would kill me.’
‘This might kill you anyway.’
‘Alison, it might be all right. He might not be with her.’ Hope is fading fast but she has to pull herself together.
‘That’s what I told you. Don’t let her do this to you.’
‘Grace Regan is a fucking bitch,’ Betty says, as Matt returns to the table.
‘Who the hell is she?’ he asks, having caught the sentence and been surprised by the anger in it.
‘No one, just something to do with work,’ Alison says quickly, while Betty turns red.
‘Don’t mention her to Johnny. I’ve been going on about her a bit and I think he’s fed up.’ Betty hopes she sounds convincing. She is becoming a competent liar.
‘No worries. Anyway, how can I? He’s not even here.’
Alison swipes him, Betty stares into her glass and Matt rolls his eyes. Sometimes he can never say anything right.
‘Grace, where did you grow up?’ Johnny looks from his cards to her. They both know that the game is just a facade, a facade to stop them from ripping each other’s clothes off. That is what Johnny thinks and he is grateful for the protection the cards are offering. It makes him feel safe. They are his armour against the ever growing temptation. Grace is about to tell him her invented story, the one that makes her feel as if she is the person that she wanted to be, not the person she is, but somehow with Johnny, her words are not under her control.
‘In a council estate in East Sussex.’
‘You don’t sound like that...’ Johnny turns red. He expected a tale of the middle-class home, a bit like his, not a council estate.
‘I know. I changed. There were six of us altogether. My dad didn’t work; I never saw him go to work.’ She tells Johnny about the chair. He is the first person who she has told in London, the only person to be allowed a glimpse into her real background. She tells him about her mother, her sisters, and her brothers. She tells him about Dave, and the abandonment. She tells him about moving to London to escape and find a better life.
‘I had no idea. That’s an amazing story. Shit, Grace, you’ve been through so much.’ For once, Grace sees it as the truth. ‘And then to marry that bastard.’
Grace looks shocked. Johnny looks angry. She realises that mixing fact and fiction isn’t easy; she fills up with guilt. A tear rolls down her cheek.
‘I didn’t mean to make you cry.’ The concern in his voice ensures that another tear is evicted.
‘You didn’t.’ But he did, not because of her background - she has long since come to terms with that – but because of the reality. She has lied to him, and she wishes that she hadn’t because that hurts her more than anything her background has done.
‘Do you ever see your parents?’
‘No. Never.’
‘But surely you must feel something towards them, even if it’s curiosity.’
‘I don’t.’ This is almost the truth. She thinks about them sometimes, but when she does she squeezes those thoughts out of her head and keeps them out. ‘Johnny, I’ve never told anyone this.’
‘What, about your family?’
‘No, or what I’m about to tell you.’
‘Go on.’ He wants to hold her because she looks so vulnerable, so hurt. He wants to take it away. He thinks of Betty, her self-composure, and how she fought against her background. Betty he loves, but she is capable. Grace, he feels something for, and she needs him.
‘I don’t love my family. There, I said it.’ She crumples in tears. This is the first time she has ever admitted this to anyone else. She means it. There is no phase attached to this declaration, no motive behind it.
‘Do you mean that?’
‘I do. I don’t feel anything. I don’t miss them, I don’t want to see them. I just want to obliterate them from my memory. I don’t want you to hate me for that.’
‘I would never hate you.’
‘But you think I should visit them?’
‘I don’t know. I think you should do what you think is best, and I can’t tell you what that is.’
‘It’s a horrible declaration. Even those people who get treated so badly by their families feel something, but I don’t. I must be a freak.’
‘No, you’re not. You’ve had to do everything on your own. I think that makes you more self-sufficient. Stronger, more independent. I think they’d be proud of you.’
‘Thanks, Johnny.’
‘For what?’
‘For not judging me.’ She smiles at him, and he smiles back. They both quickly turn back to their cards.
‘Oh shit, its half-past eight.’ Grace jumps up, scattering her cards everywhere.
‘You’re joking?’ Johnny prays she is joking.
‘No. And you are probably supposed to be elsewhere.’ He blushes.
‘And I was winning,’ she teases, and they both smile.
Johnny leaves with a promise to play golf on Saturday, and he arranges to pick her up from her flat. He feels relaxed in her company, which was the aim of the card game, he guesses. She says goodbye, deliberately avoiding any physical contact and thinks that she will miss him. He is thinking the same.
Johnny hails a cab and switches on his mobile. He has a large number of missed calls. Instead of listening to his voicemail, he calls Betty’s mobile. He is flustered as he thinks about what he is going to say. Lying doesn’t come naturally to him.
‘Hello, is that you?’ She sounds annoyed.
‘Yeah, I’m in a cab. My tube got stuck, there was a passenger emergency so I had to wait for ages, and then we were told it wasn’t going anywhere, so I’ve just managed to get a cab. Sorry I didn’t call before but there was no service.’ Thank fuck for the inefficiency of London’s transport system, he thinks, otherwise he would be in trouble.
‘I thought it was something like that,’ Betty replies, relaxing. Matt shoots her a look. Alison shoots him a look. ‘He’ll be here soon,’ she informs them as soon as she’s hung up. Betty desperately tries to believe Johnny is telling the truth.
‘Grace, it’s Eddie.’ Grace looks at the answer phone but does not reach for the handset. ‘I haven’t seen you in ages, and I’d quite like to. I’ll try your mobile.’ Grace picks up her mobile to make sure it’s switched off. Does she want to see him? Not really. She doesn’t want to kiss him, to make love to him, to imagine he is Johnny. If she does she will feel like a slut. She knows that she is hurting him, despite her resolve not to, but she cannot face him yet. She went out with Dan to make Johnny jealous; she is not going to sleep with him to make herself feel wanted, because she will end up hating herself. She already hates herself enough.
She puts her hands over her ears as the phone rings again and her answer phone clicks. She will not wreck any more lives, starting with Eddie’s.
‘Sorry I’m late.’ He kisses Betty’s cheek, and then Alison’s. Betty has forgotten to be angry, because Matt, being Matt, has plied her with drink.
‘Shall we go and eat straight away?’ Matt says. I'm starving.’
‘OK.’ Betty stands up and grabs hold of Johnny.
‘I do love you, you know,’ she says, into his ear, but loudly enough for everyone to hear.
‘I love you too,’ he replies, pretending to ignore the fact that she is once again drunk. He thinks of Grace. They drank at dinner, but she didn’t get drunk. He cannot imagine that she would ever get drunk like Betty. He feels immediately guilty at the unfair comparison.
They go to the nearest Chinese restaurant where they order set meals because they all want to try everything. Matt feels the tension but ignores it as they all eat. Alison knows about the tension and is starting to doubt Johnny. Betty is oblivious to the tension because she is properly drunk, and Johnny is drinking too much, which is not usual for him. Matt is looking a bit puzzled as he concentrates hard on his food.
‘What’s going on?’ Matt asks Alison when Betty and Johnny have both staggered to different loos.
‘Nothing,’ Alison quickly replies, but she knows. Even she is lying. She begins to think that Matt is the only person who is innocent.
‘We’re having dinner with two fucking drunks. Betty normally gets pissed really quickly but Johnny doesn�
��t.’
‘I know. We’ll probably have to take them home.’
‘Who wants another bottle of wine?’ Johnny asks, sitting down again, and when no one replies, he orders one anyway.
Grace pours herself a brandy. She sits in the dark, thankful that she does not have to work that evening. She replays the events, trying to figure out what she is doing. She had decided to walk away, but instead she bared her soul to him. In return she felt as if he was giving some of his to her. But not all of it, because he wasn’t a cheater. Grace has finally met the man she has been searching for. The one who doesn’t want to be unfaithful. She just wishes that she hadn’t fallen in love with him.
What is he doing now? Is he holding her hand, kissing her, looking into her eyes? It is almost too much to bear. Jealousy is not one of Grace’s downfalls. She rarely envies others because she believes in getting what she wants. However, she is being eaten from the inside out by her jealousy. Betty was horrible to her, and Grace hated her for that, but now she just feels pathetic because she wants to be her. She wants to kill her and fill her shoes. She wants to hold the door open to Johnny when he gets home from work, pour him a drink, cook him dinner, curl up on the sofa with him, have his babies. Finally she laughs at herself and her new insanity. Grace has never felt remotely maternal. She saw her parents make such a mess of being parents she is far too terrified to try. But the thought of Johnny and her and a child or two feels right. It won’t be like her life; it will be perfect. She is sad but she is happy at the same time.
‘Who’s coming back to ours for brandy?’ Johnny asks, as he signs the credit card slip.
‘I’m a bit tired, actually,’ Matt answers, desperate to get away from his friends for once.
‘Nonsense. Let’s go,’ Johnny insists. He has discovered that when he is drunk he cannot think and that is his new favourite discovery. Alison raises her eyebrow and shrugs. Then as Johnny marches out of the restaurant, she grabs hold of Betty and helps her up.
Agent Provocateur Page 27