The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  But Shade had promised herself she wouldn’t go to her unless she could stand tall and proud. She didn’t want Raven to fix her, Shade wanted to be whole for her. Raven deserved that.

  Shade had learned a lot about herself in the previous months. The lectures were familiar, as she’d heard them from Aura, Sunny, and Tiffany in the past. But there was something about being called out on your shit by strangers, sitting still, and listening—because you no longer wanted the alternative. The pain of using was finally greater than the pain of not.

  The house felt closed in, and Shade went to the back door. She stood and looked out, unable to comprehend it was her yard. She made a note to ask who’d mowed the jungle down, because it was beautiful out here. There was new yard furniture and a cherub fountain.

  Angel chose that. Ah, it was Tiffany’s family who’d done the work. Gratitude and love swelled in her chest. It was just like them to do this. Kat was big on outside spaces after living in a condo for so many years, and just having grass to mow made her happy.

  Shade sat in the loveseat swing and rocked back and forth, enjoying the sun peeking through the clouds, and wondering if she should call Raven, or wait. A light flashed in her eyes, and Shade looked down at what caused it. The Believe charm on her bracelet caught the sun and sparkled at her.

  Shade smiled and thought it just might be serendipity. She’d take it, whatever it was.

  She pulled out her phone again and dialed the number she’d memorized.

  “Whispering Winds, how may I help you?”

  “Um, hey. Hi. Is Raven around?” Shade held her breath. She was certain Raven’s mother knew it was her. The pause lengthened, and Shade wondered if Juanita had hung up on her. “Hello?”

  “No, Shade,” Juanita said. “I’m going to tell you the truth. She’s out on a date.”

  “Oh.” Shade felt like a donkey had kicked her in the chest, and was going to ask if she could leave her a message, but Juanita hung up on her before she could.

  Well, that hadn’t gone as well as she thought it would. Shade went back into the house.

  “And why should it go your way?”

  Shade turned slowly to face the corner, where the voice had come from. Her body was hidden in the shadows, but the voice was unmistakable, as well as the sarcastic, condescending laughter that followed. She’d practiced with Aura, several times, what she would do if her mother showed up, now that she was on the path to healing.

  “Hello, Mother.” Shade swallowed her revulsion and took a deep breath. “Have you come for help?”

  The look of abject shock and surprise on her mother’s face was a pure bonus. Shade calmly smiled at her.

  “Who are you?” her mother asked and sneered. “Nobody, that’s who.”

  “You don’t have any power over me, not anymore.”

  Shade tuned out her spitting fury and the remarks aimed to hurt her. She refused to engage.

  “Are you done?”

  Her mother continued to spew hatred.

  “No?” Shade asked. “Okay. I’ve had enough. You’re not even real, and I’m done.” Shade flicked her wrist, and the corner was instantly empty.

  God, that felt good. Aura had finally gotten through to Shade. Her mother, Travis, and so many other dark spirits like them stayed around because Shade kept them alive and near—subconsciously to punish herself.

  She was a long way from forgiveness at this point in her recovery, but she was willing to concede there was no longer a need to listen to her mother’s garbage. She shook off the encounter and disconnected her energy from it. Her mother wouldn’t get any more from her.

  Instead, she closed her eyes and thought about Raven. Shade hadn’t given her a reason to stay; she’d only provided a free ride on the rollercoaster of misery that was Shade’s world. Where there wasn’t room to laugh, because everything was centered on her misery, her addiction, her, her, her.

  Now she was all alone.

  Shade recognized the downward spiral of self-pity and stopped it. That was so not allowed. She wasn’t going to feel sorry for herself and stand in the corner.

  Raven is dating? Hmm. She hoped the other woman was ready for a challenge. Because Shade wasn’t going to walk away, or disappear into the night gracefully.

  Not a chance.

  For the first time in her life, Shade stood comfortably in her power, free of shadow and doubts. It was time to fight the good fight for something she believed in.

  *

  “I’m not wearing that!” Raven yelled at Lyric. “And you can’t make me.” The dress in question was a strappy, thin, red wrap-around that left Raven’s entire cleavage bare and clung to her curves without mercy. “It screams I’m available, and take a number.” And I bought it to wear for Shade.

  Lyric begged a little, but gave up when Raven wouldn’t budge. Instead, she chose a black tank dress with a modest neckline, and with a sweater, her outfit looked as if she were attending a business meeting.

  When they arrived at the hotel’s restaurant, it appeared Caroline’s friend, Brittney, was wearing the same exact dress Raven had refused to, only in blue, which matched her eyes.

  Raven thought she looked better in it, then chided herself for feeling resentful. It wasn’t Brittney’s fault Raven was here.

  Over dinner, Brittney turned out to be quite charming, and sweet to talk to. Raven grudgingly admitted she was having a good time. The table was full of flirtatious energy flying in all directions. They talked about current events, charities, and each had a funny customer story. The dinner went by quickly.

  After a drink, Brittney focused more on Raven. She twisted a lock of her hair, leaned forward, and at every opportunity, pursed her lips in a sexy pout.

  Raven was flattered, and considered it for a half of a second. But it was never going to happen. Brittney wasn’t at all her type. She didn’t have dark hair, wasn’t tall, or on the slender side. There wasn’t any mystery in her eyes, and she was as easy to read as a morning newspaper.

  Curious, she probed Britney’s mind slightly and got an image of her naked and twisting on a bed, while Raven serviced her. That was her exact thought, serviced.

  Raven looked a little deeper and saw Brittney on the phone with her wife, Tess, assuring her she was going straight to bed after dinner.

  She was so done with this farce. Raven wasn’t into casual sex, especially with a pillow-princess, married woman who wasn’t her type. So, really—why was she here?

  Lyric handed the waiter her credit card. “More cocktails, ladies? Dancing?”

  Raven shook her head, and Lyric kicked her under the table. Raven ignored her. “You’re going to have to go without me. I have an early morning. It was nice to meet you, though, and thank you for the lovely time.”

  Brittney stood, as if to argue, or stop her, and Raven held out a hand. “Maybe next time, Tess, your wife, can join us.” Raven smiled wickedly, turned, and walked away from the table. She wasn’t worried about Lyric. Raven had taken a moment to peek into Caroline’s thoughts, and saw quite an energetic threesome planned.

  She stopped before getting into her car, took a deep breath, and searched for Shade’s energy. She traced it back to the bell and discovered it was gone. Did that mean she’d left town? Or was there some other, worse, reason she couldn’t feel it?

  It could be either, and Raven didn’t want to run through any more possibilities. She wanted only to go home, get in her comfy clothes, and read a book.

  If she told herself that a hundred times, would she believe it?

  Absolutely not.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Shade knocked on Sunny’s door and noticed that she and Jordan replaced the clear glass with a beautiful stained glass panel. The change brought up quite a few moments of nostalgia, good ones, of Shade living here while loving Sunny.

  She reached for the gratitude for the experience and felt none of the loss she had previously attached to the house, or to Sunny herself.

  The door op
ened, and there she stood. Sunny poured out her light, and Shade drank it in as the gift it was. “Hey.”

  “Well, hello. You’re late as usual. Come on in. We’re all waiting for you.”

  Shade checked her watch. “I am not! It’s five till.”

  “I’m just teasing. But really, on time means being at least fifteen minutes early.”

  “No one told me that,” Shade said. “Ever.”

  “We’re in the dining room. I’ll bring you some water.”

  “Thanks.” Shade watched her walk away and felt out of place.

  “There you are,” Kat said and clutched Shade’s arm dramatically. “Please, please be on my side today.”

  Shade laughed. “For?” She picked up on Kat’s playful energy, but sensed desperation underneath it.

  “Just say yes.”

  “Okay.” If Shade didn’t agree with Kat, at least she hadn’t said yes. If there was one thing she was good at, it was semantics.

  Tiffany came around the doorway of the dining room, and a wave of tenderness stopped Shade’s forward motion, and she held out her arms. Tiffany hugged her, curled tightly into her side, and she tightened her arms around her. “I’m so sorry, Tiff.”

  “For what?”

  “Being so much trouble all the time.”

  Tiffany stepped back, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and shook her head. “I have you so beat there. You,” she said, “addiction. Me, homicidal, dead ex-husband and blood curses. I win.” Tiffany took her arm and led her into the dining room.

  Shade let her think she’d won, because it didn’t cost her anything to let her. Besides, she was happy that Tiffany appeared to be coping so well. “You’re so goddamn cute,” Shade said.

  Aura was lighting candles around the room, and the area smelled of sweet sage. The scent of home. Shade hugged her and sat in her usual spot at the long, polished table. She had so many happy memories centered around it, and today none of them were tainted by the darkness she’d carried.

  Sunny, herself, and Tiffany had started Sisters of Spirits here, with Aura’s guidance. Shade looked at each of them in turn, and they each looked back at her expectantly.

  “We’re waiting on you,” Kat said. “You called this meeting.”

  “Oh, right.” Shade got up from the table and crossed to the whiteboard set up in the front of the room. “I need. Uh…”

  “You can do it,” Jordan said. “Spit it out.”

  “Okay, smartass. I need help. Again.”

  “Of course,” Aura said. Shade knew she could always count on her.

  “Sounds serious,” Sunny said. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m in,” Tiffany interrupted. “Whatever you need.”

  “Me too,” Kat added.

  Shade looked at Jordan, who smirked and nodded.

  “Okay then.” Shade’s scalp tingled and she pointed at Tiffany. “Stop that, I’m getting to it.”

  “Quit stalling already,” Jordan said.

  Shade resisted the urge to flip her off. “Now, don’t laugh. I need your help, because I want to learn how to be romantic.”

  She waited for the hilarity to die down, and tapped her foot impatiently.

  “I’m sorry.” Jordan coughed into her hand. “I thought I heard you say you wanted to learn how to be romantic.”

  “Stop it!” Sunny hit Jordan’s shoulder and smiled brightly at Shade. “I think it’s sweet.”

  Tiffany couldn’t stop giggling, and Shade was reminded of her previous voyeurism of her sex life. Actually, Tiffany might remember it better than Shade did. Now that was funny.

  Kat, the newest member of the sisterhood, hadn’t known Shade’s reputation personally in this life, but had been her student in a bygone century.

  Aura clapped her hands to quiet the group. “That’s my girl,” she said. “Go on.”

  “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

  “So not true, Jordan,” Sunny said. “Just last week you learned how to—”

  “Point taken,” Jordan interrupted her, and turned red.

  Sunny winked at Shade. She could have looked into Jordan’s thoughts, but had a good idea of what Sunny had been talking about. It was a tantric move Shade had taught her years ago. Shade was kind of impressed with Jordan, since it took some serious stretching to get it right.

  She saw the actual memory behind her eyes, saw herself with Sunny, and stopped.

  And waited.

  There wasn’t any grief or resentment attached to it, just a fond remembrance of how young they had been, and it reassured Shade that she had truly let go.

  “I find it hard to believe you need any help with the ladies,” Kat said. “Your prowess is legend.”

  Shade laughed. “Romance and sex are two different things. I have complete confidence in the latter.”

  Sunny blushed, and Shade turned her back to the group to change the direction of the conversation. She printed out the word Ideas on the top of the board and then drew a line underneath it.

  “Write down the flowers you sent this morning,” Aura said. “Oh, and the card.”

  Shade looked at her.

  “What?” Aura smiled. “I’m your mother. I know these things.”

  The warmth of love behind the statement filled Shade to the brim, and she nodded.

  The room was getting hot, and Shade rolled up her sleeves.

  “That’s a cool bracelet,” Tiffany said. “Our Raven made us all one, with different charms. Mine says Family.”

  “Me too, mine has a butterfly, and a silver love charm. Raven said she was going to make an entire line of them for the store.” Sunny raised her arm and showed off her bracelet.

  Shade rolled the beads between her fingers and saw Raven while she was making hers.

  Hers was the only bracelet that held Raven’s tears. Shade promised herself she would turn every single one of those tears into laughter.

  “Okay, brainstorm with me here.”

  *

  Raven was a few minutes late, and her mother had opened the store. When she entered, she was met by the smell of roses. In a crystal vase on the retail counter were at least three dozen red roses laced with baby’s breath. She walked over to see who they were for, but she knew.

  She reached out and ran a finger softly across the petals while inhaling deeply. Her heart pounded while she opened the card with shaky fingers.

  Thank you for everything. Love, Lacey.

  That surprised her, but the thought was wonderful, and her spirit lifted. “They’re beautiful,” she said out loud.

  “Sí,” her mother said.

  Raven startled, as she hadn’t known she was behind her.

  “Can I give you some advice?”

  The fact she’d asked instead of told her was another reminder of how their relationship had grown. Raven nodded and turned the vase this way and that.

  “I know that you want to run to her, mija. I’m also aware of how deeply you still feel about her. But this time, make her work for it. Let her prove to you that you’re worth the attention.”

  “But—”

  “No, mija. She also needs to prove to herself she needs to work for it. Last time was too easy for her, and she’ll never appreciate you as much as she would if you make her chase you.”

  “We’ve already had sex, Mother,” Raven said. “There isn’t any mystery there.”

  “Oh, my ears! That’s not what I’m saying. That was then, and you both skipped the courtship, the fun and importance of it.”

  “I thought you didn’t want me to go back to Shade.”

  “She called yesterday.”

  “What? Mama, you didn’t tell me?”

  Her mother gestured toward the flowers. “My point exactly.”

  Raven wondered why Shade didn’t call her cell, but remembered she’d switched carriers, and while she still had Shade’s number, she had no way other than the store to contact her.

  “Besides,” her mother continued. “She’ll ha
ve to prove to me she’s worth having my baby girl, that she’s changed her ways.”

  “Isn’t that my decision?” Raven didn’t want to argue with her, but she needed to stand her ground.

  “Sí, at the heart of it. But because I hurt with a mother’s pain right along with you, I need time to heal as well. I’m not going to jump up and down and welcome back the woman who broke your heart.”

  Raven coughed to smother a laugh as she pictured her mother doing just that. “You’re right.”

  Her mother dramatically placed a hand over her heart. “Qué? What did you say?”

  Raven smiled. “I said, you’re right, and I won’t settle for anything less than the best.”

  Her mother cried happy tears and hugged her before she went back to the office.

  Raven moved the flowers to the center of the store, on top of a display, where she could see them from anywhere in the retail area.

  Show me what you got, babe.

  *

  “This is all we have for the list?” Shade asked. “It’s pathetic. Flowers, candlelight dinner, dancing, back rub, and a surprise puppy.” She paused. “Well, I kind of like the last one.” She looked around the room again. “Jordan. What did you have?”

  “Way to call me out,” Jordan said. “Well, I carried her up the stairs after she fell.”

  “It was your fault,” Sunny said. “I thought you were a robber.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Well, there was that time when the lights went out in my apartment building, and I made out with her.”

  “Jesus, that was when you were under oppression. Sunny, is that all she has? Because that makes me want to cry for you.”

  “Let me think. I have something, I’m sure. Wait, she makes me green smoothies in the morning.”

  Shade shook her head. “Okay, no help from either of you. Kat?”

  “Which life? The time I chased her through the woods after dancing naked around a fire, or this one, where we lived through a murder?”

  “Point taken,” Shade said. “You guys are pitiful. No wonder I was the only one getting any action.”