Seeing Clearly

by Casey McMillin

  "Oh, that's great news," I said. "The hard push, since we need you in shape, and that you're going to Gretchen's. I'm planning on coming for Christmas too, and I'm glad I'll know someone besides Gretchen."

  "Her family's really cool," Collin said. "You'll have no problems fitting in. Speaking of making a push, though. What the hell have you been doing? Every time I see you lately, you're bigger. You're gonna have me wanting to arm wrestle you or something just to prove myself."

  I laughed.

  "It's not intentional, but I work out when I'm stressed, and I've had a lot on my mind lately. In fact, I'm going to play some basketball when I leave here if you wanna come."

  "Oh yeah? Where?" he asked.

  "South Central. You in?"

  He raised both hands and said, "I'm not trying to get all crazy. I have to watch out for my limbs." I could tell he was just messing around because he thought I was joking about going to that part of town in the first place.

  "I really am going there." I said.

  "You are?" He cocked his head to the side. "Why?"

  "That's exactly what I thought when Gretchen told me she was going," I said, smiling as I remembered. "She introduced me to a family that lives over there. I really liked them, and I felt like I wanted to do what I could to help. Anyway, I'm going to play some ball with the two older boys who are fourteen and twelve. There's another kid, Diego who'll be there, and some other neighborhood kids.... But if you're scared…"

  "How does Gretchen know people who live in South Central?" he asked.

  "It's a long story, but it's not as bad you think."

  "I know," Collin said. "I've been to the hood." He thought about it for the briefest of seconds before he said, "Sure, I'll go… And, I only hesitated because I told Rachel I'd be home after I left your office, not because I'm scared. I could definitely take twelve-year-olds."

  "I don't know… I heard these kids are pretty good," I said, laughing.

  Collin slapped his hand to his chest like he was the biggest ape in the jungle. "Don't worry about me, son," he said, "I'm a baller from way back."

  We were both still laughing at how stupid he was being when I remembered something I wanted to run past him. "Oh, before I forget… look at your calendar and let me know what you're doing for Valentine's Day this year. I'd like for you to make an appearance at another one of those Charity events. It should be a nice one if you and Rachel don’t have plans."

  "I'm sure it'll be fine," I said. "Even if we do have plans, I'm sure it's nothing we can't get out of. Most of my big meets won't start until later in the spring, and I'm fairly sure she knows I want to stay in town before then. We discussed how focused I'll need to be this year.

  I let out a little chuckle, which prompted Collin to ask, "What?"

  "Nothing I'm just laughing at how married you are."

  "What do you mean, how married I am?"

  "You know, calling her before you go play basketball… having to check the communal calendar… discussing how focused you need to be…"

  "I know, man. Believe me, when you put it like that, it seems like something I'd want no part of, but when it happens naturally, it's a different story."

  I knew he was right. I guess part of me wanted to hear him say how bad marriage sucked so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

  As if he could read my thoughts, he said, "Have you talked to Gretchen lately?"

  "Not in the last few days," I said. "Not since she brought me to dinner in South Central last Wednesday."

  "Keeping count, huh?" he asked.

  "I guess you could say that." I said. "I'm sort of in the process of buying her a pretty extravagant Christmas gift which I'm afraid will make her hate me even more than she already does."

  "Gretchen doesn't hate you." Collin said. "Far from it. You should have seen her the other day when she heard you and Emily went to sushi with us. She thought you guys were on a date. Rachel had to talk her down. I just assumed you guys were together by how torn up she was."

  "No, we're not together," I said. "If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that we're not together. I can't get the girl to throw me a bone. As if things weren't already complicated enough, I purchased an abandoned school for her to remodel. It'll eventually be a community arts center, Gretchen's dream. I'm going to help her make it happen, but I think by doing so, I'm only going to push her away."

  Collin looked at me, confused. "Gretchen's dream is to run a community arts center?"

  "In South Central," I said. "Well, not in South Central, but close. Close enough so we can bus her favorite kids there every day after school."

  "Gretchen wants to run a charity?" he asked, still a little confused. "Won't that mean she has to quit the show?"

  "She won't have to quit. I wish she'd quit, but she doesn't have to. After the renovations are done, I'm going to hire a staff so Gretchen can be as involved as she wants to be. The place will run fine without her, but I think she'll eventually want to work there. I think it's something she wants, even if she doesn't want it right now. Anyway, I'm just taking care of the financial stuff. She can run it or not run it. That's actually why I wanted to meet with Emily the other night. You were talking to your mom when she and I had that whole conversation. I talked to her about getting on board part-time since she teaches dance. She said she'd love to be a part of it."

  "I can't believe you bought her a freaking school for Christmas, Joel. Just do me a favor and let me give Rachel her Christmas gift first, if you don't mind. I'm not sure I can follow a school."

  "Not to worry. I'm not even going to give it to her at Christmas," I said. "Like I said, I'm not sure about how happy she'll be with me. I think I'll wait till we're alone sometime to break the news."

  "I can't understand why she'd be mad if it's something she wants."

  "I think she wanted to do it by herself."

  "Oh, I see," he said.

  "In related news, I'm also opening a restaurant and hiring her friends Tonia and Trey to run it for me with plans for them to buy it from me once they're up and running. She has no idea I've even been in contact with them."

  "These are her friends that we're going to see tonight… the ones that you just met the other night?" Collin looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded. "And, she has no idea about the restaurant or the school?" I shook my head. "You're in deep, my friend. Redheads are stubborn, and Gretchen's even more so than most."

  "Oh, I know. I'm a dead man, I'm sure. If I hadn't loved this family instantly, I'd never risk pissing her off so bad. Gretchen was on edge at dinner when I even mentioned helping, and hasn't talked to me since. I can't imagine what she'll do once she finds out how much I've been meddling. She'll probably never speak to me again."

  "Damn, I hate to hear that, because it seems like you're doing some nice things."

  "Yeah, but not when she wanted to do them herself," I said.

  ****

  Collin and I had a blast shooting basketball with a bunch of neighborhood kids. I resisted the urge to tell any of them about the school (which would have a nice, modern gym for us to play basketball). It was a hard secret to hold given the shitty condition of their current court, but I wanted Gretchen to be the one to deliver the news.

  I met briefly with Trey and Tonia before we left for the night. I'd been in touch with them over the phone, but I wanted to speak to them in person about a few details before Collin and I left. When we did finally get in the car to go home, Collin looked at me and said. "I don't care how mad Gretchen's gonna be. She'll get over it. You did the right thing helping that family. I would have done it myself had I been in your shoes."

  "Thanks man, that makes me feel better," I said. "I didn't think there was really any other choice. And, just wait till you taste their food. It needs to be shared with the world."

  "Gretchen's got a good head on her shoulders. I think if it's something she'd want, she'll be excited, no matter who finances it. I can't see how she wouldn't be."


  "I hope so," I said.

  Chapter 23

  Gretchen

  It was a beautiful Christmas Eve at four in the afternoon, and everyone who was planning on coming for Christmas had already arrived at my parent's house. My three brothers along with their wives and children took over my parent's house like it was their own, transforming it from a quiet house in the country to a place where you could hear a conversation around every corner… the type of situation where a kid could run past you with a squirt gun and goggles and you wouldn’t give it a second thought.

  My sister, who's a freshman in college, "fell in love" her first semester, and was spending Christmas at "Jason's" house. Gabby's absence was annoying to most of us, and there's sort of an unspoken agreement in my family that we wouldn't talk about it too much.

  Emily and her dog Sal were playing Frisbee with Collin and Rachel, though the dog mostly just sat there with his tongue hanging out of his basketball sized head. A few of my nephews (who'd come outside with me) were trying to get in on the game. I watched as Collin threw it to one of them. Everyone was present and accounted for. Everyone except for Joel, the one person I couldn't wait to see.

  It had happened the minute I told Max I was in love with someone and I wanted to quit the show. Something about saying the words out loud made me relax into the headspace where I could appreciate my feelings for the first time. Suddenly everything made sense to me. What do I care if people think of me as Joel's? That's the main thing I wanted to be.

  Accepting the fact that I loved him was freeing on so many levels. Loving him felt so natural that I couldn't understand what I'd ever been thinking by not letting myself do it all along.

  As far as the little situation going on in my lower torso… I guess I sort of knew all along that I wouldn't be able to part ways with the baby, but it wasn't until I said it out loud to Max, that I realized how much I wanted it. I was still a little nervous at the prospect of telling Joel about it, but I had a good feeling about how he'd take the news. The Joel I know will know just what to say.

  I hadn't heard his voice in a week… not since we went to eat at Trey and Tonia's last Wednesday. We were on such awkward terms that night, but we'd spoken a few times over email since and everything seemed normal between us. For a couple days there I thought he started dating Emily. Thinking I'd lost him right when I'd figured out I loved him made me a miserable wreck, but Rachel explained that their dinner plans were made to talk about a business matter.

  For the last few days, I'd been dealing with things at work. I'd barely spoken to Joel in a week, and he pretty much has no idea how I felt about him. I was fairly certain that my feelings (and the confession thereof) would come out of left field.

  I told him in an email I sent a day or two ago that most of us would be spending the night at my parents house on Christmas Eve so we could wake up together on Christmas morning. I expected him to come. If he wasn't going to come, I at least expected him to let me know either way, but I hadn't heard back from him at all.

  You know that feeling when you really decide you want something, and suddenly your every cell is consumed with having it? Now that we were all at my parent's house, and he was the only one not here, I had the feeling I'd go crazy if I didn't see him soon, like he's the air I needed to breathe.

  I found a quiet-ish spot at the end of my parent's front porch where I sat cross-legged with my back against the house. I pulled out my phone, found his name in my contacts, and pressed call.

  Him: "Hey Gretchen."

  Me: "Hey."

  Him: "What's up? You okay?"

  Me: "Yeah, I was just wondering what you decided about coming to my parent's house tonight."

  Him: "I figured I'd just come by tomorrow. You know, pace myself with the whole Christmas thing. I have everything packed up, though, so I'll head out sometime in the morning."

  Me: "Oh."

  We were silent for a few long seconds.

  Him: "Is that okay?"

  Me: "It's fine, I was just hoping you'd come tonight." I knew the way my words came out made me sound extremely vulnerable, but right now, I didn't care. Whatever it took to get him here.

  Him: "Is everything okay?"

  Me: "Yes, everything's okay. I sort of just got my heart set on seeing you tonight, and I don't want to wait now.

  Him: (After what seemed like a full minute of torturous silence.) "Give me a couple of hours."

  Me: (Wearing a smile I was kind of glad he couldn't see.) Come hungry because my dad's frying a turkey.

  Him: "Are Collin and Rachel already there?"

  Me: "Does it matter?"

  Him: "No."

  Me: "Because you're coming to see me, right?"

  Him: "Are you sure you're okay?"

  Me: (Laughing.) "Yes, silly, I'm okay. Collin, Rachel, and Emily are all spending the night. And, yes, everyone's here already. Enough talking. Get your ass over here."

  Him: (Laughing back) All right, all right, I'm on my way."

  I could hear the smile in his voice, and it made me feel like my heart could just explode.

  ****

  The next two hours were two of the longest of my life. We were all standing around the kitchen grabbing finger foods and watching my dad carve the turkey when Joel got there. My brother's youngest son came barreling into the kitchen saying, "Someone's at the door." I felt a gut clinching sensation, knowing who it was. I crossed the kitchen headed for the front door.

  "Be careful, Gretchen, you might hurt yourself running like that," Collin teased. From the corner of my eye I saw Rachel elbow him, but I didn't even stop to acknowledge any of it. I absolutely couldn't wait another second to see Joel. I rounded the corner to the entryway and caught sight of him. He'd only been in the house for a matter of seconds, and I could tell he hadn't been expecting me to run to the door to meet him. He smiled, and I couldn't help but return it.

  "The stuff for the kids is still in the car," he said. "I thought I'd just leave it in there for now and—"

  I cut him off by taking a step toward him and standing on my tiptoes to put a kiss on his beautiful, wide mouth. I just couldn't stop myself, couldn't wait any longer. He looked down at me with an assessing gaze that let me know he didn't quite know what to make of the situation.

  "Do you think you could be tempted by me, Mr. Perrin?" I looked up at him through my lashes, giving my best impression of a seductress.

  "I can't imagine a greater temptation, Miss McKay." He grabbed me by my waist and pulled me into his arms for another kiss.

  "Aunt Gretchem's kissing her boyfriend." My little rug-rat nephew announced to everyone when he came into the entryway and caught us. Joel looked down at me.

  "We're caught," he said with that easy grin. "Guess there's no point in trying to deny it."

  I smiled up at him. "Isn't that a relief? Denying it was getting kind of old."

  He gave me a wary look as if he still couldn't quite make sense of my change of heart. Joel still had his arm around the small of my back when my mom stuck her head around the corner. "You guys better get in here and get some of this turkey before it disappears."

  ****

  Joel had a really easy time getting along with my family. We spent the evening playing games, which could have easily overwhelmed him. For someone who was a stranger to family gatherings, he seemed completely comfortable. Comfortable enough to compete and smack talk just like the rest of us. It was almost midnight by the time we all got showered and ready for bed. We hadn't had any time alone since the kiss in the entryway, and I was itching to be with him. Joel was standing in the hallway wearing plaid pajama pants and a fitted gray t-shirt when I finished my shower and came out of the upstairs bathroom.

  "You scared me," I said, feeling a bit nervous as my eyes fell on his broad shoulders. He approached me with a mischievous look in his eye. "Your mom just handed me a pillow and stack of blankets and told me I'd be sleeping on the couch in the downstairs playroom."

  "I
told her to set that stuff out for you in case you needed it, but I sort of figured you'd think about checking out my bedroom first."

  "Oh, you mean you get your own room?"

  "With a queen bed all to myself."

  Without warning, I ducked under his arm and scurried off to the second door on the right. He followed me, neither of our footsteps making a sound. By the time I reached the center of my bedroom and turned around, I was breathless and giddy with the anticipation that came with knowing he was following me. He closed the door and crossed to the center of the room where I was standing. The scent of him, all clean and woodsy, made me want to throw myself into his arms.

  "I don't know if you should be in here. We might get caught."

  He knew I was just playing a little game, but it was extra fun since it wasn't far from the truth.

  "Don't worry, little girl. It'll be fine," he said, reaching up to run a feather light finger down my arm. "Nobody will hear us."

  He slowly wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and used a light grip on my hair to gently position my face upward. My eyes met his just before he bent to put his mouth on mine. He put a few slow kisses on my mouth before he pulled back and fell to his knees in front of me.

  "What are you doing—"

  "Shhhhh, just let me undress you." He reached up and pulled my pink pajama pants down, while leaving my panties on. I stepped out of the pants, which were pooled at my feet. He stood up and reached for the hem of my tank top, pulling it over my head. I lifted my arms to let him help me slip out of it. He picked up my pants before throwing both pieces of clothing onto a chair at the edge of my room.

  I started to feel a little self conscious about being stranded in the middle of the room with nothing to cover up with. My arm instinctually came up to cover my chest. He grabbed me by the wrist and put my hand to my side.

  "I want to see you. Don't cover up," he whispered in my ear. The feel of his breath on my ear, caused mine to catch. He stood behind me, and I turned to face him. He made a disapproving noise and warned, "I didn't tell you to turn around."