Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  I just sat there. I didn’t know how long it was until he continued. He must have taken my silence for acceptance, because he breathed what seemed like a sigh of relief and began again.

  “Things just aren’t working out between us, and I think we need to end it here and now while there’s still hope of us being friends. Don’t . . .” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Please don’t say we can’t be friends, Samone. I know we can. We just have to want to. We were too young to think we would be together forever, grow old, and watch our grandchildren play some day. Those are young-love dreams. They’re just not realistic. We graduate next month, and it’s time to think about the future.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Everything was perfect. Why are you ruining us? You were my future . . .” I whispered, choking on a sob as I hugged myself.

  When he reached for my hand, I jerked it away.

  “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. “Just go, Alec. Leave me alone.”

  “I’m sorry, Samone. I really am.”

  He had the balls to look like he meant those last words, and that made me angrier than anything. As I sat there, hugging my knees to my chest, panic overwhelmed me, and my face felt flushed and numb. I watched him walk down the steps and along the path, get in his truck, and drive away. He never even looked back. Apparently, a fresh start for him was easy.

  School sucked. Even after school sucked. Alec wouldn’t so much as look at me. I’d never felt so utterly sad in my life. The end of my senior year went from fun and happy to depressed and devastated. Mom and Dad were beside themselves with how to make me feel better. But how could they? I’d spent the better part of two years with a guy I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I gave him my virginity. I loved him, only to be crushed in the end.

  I was on my way to the cafeteria when I saw Alec coming out of the office. He had a yellow slip of paper in his hand, a late pass. He was late—again. He turned in my direction. I continued on my path. When he was about to walk past me, I stepped in front of him.

  “Hey. Just getting here?” I asked.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah,” he muttered.

  “Alec, can we talk please?”

  “What about?”

  “I . . . I miss you,” I whispered as my voice shook.

  His face-hardened and he stepped to the side. “You can’t say things like that, Samone.”

  I know he saw the hurt in my eyes, because for a split second, his showed regret.

  “But you said you wanted us to be friends.”

  “I did, but . . . I don’t think we can,” he warned.

  “Please Alec, we can be friends. You haven’t even tried! Most of the time you won’t even look at me.”

  “I guess I was wrong. I was stupid to think we could go from being what we were . . . to being just friends. It’s too . . . confusing.”

  “That’s because we love each other. We belong together. I don’t know about you, but I can’t just turn my feelings off like a damn light switch,” I pleaded.

  “I’m sorry, Samone, but . . . I don’t love you anymore.”

  He said the words, but his face revealed the lie I knew it to be. I couldn’t stop the hope that flooded my heart.

  “You’re lying. I know it. You know it,” I hissed. “I don’t know why you’re doing this to us, but I hope you figure out whatever the hell it is, fast.”

  He didn’t say another word, just roughed his hand through his hair, turned around, and walked away.

  It was a Saturday night, two long months since Alec had broken up with me. Okay, I’ll admit it. I sent him more than a few text messages, pleading with him to give us another chance. He never replied to any of them, not even the picture I sent of us from one of our hiking trips at Sweetwater Creek State Park.

  Graduation came and went, I’d hoped, with the celebration of academic achievement and promise of a new life, that things would change, but they didn’t, and he remained as aloof as ever.

  My eighteenth birthday passed. It was supposed to be one of those landmark birthdays, filled with fun and celebration. I went through the typical eighteenth birthday motions, but my heart just wasn’t in it. That night, I sat on the couch, staring at the season passes Alec had bought us for Six Flags Over Georgia. He hadn’t been able to wait for my birthday to give them to me. I cried just looking at them, unable to even find even a sliver of solace in a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

  One summer evening, when Heather and I were getting ready for a party at her boyfriend, Peter’s house, she said it was time for me to suck it up and show Alec just what he’d thrown away. I knew it was dumb, but I couldn’t give up on hope. Maybe, when he saw I was there too, things would just fall back into place. I hoped if he saw me looking my best and happy without him, even if it wasn’t genuine, he might want to get back what he gave up . . . what he threw away, you know, the whole “stars aligned-happily ever after” kind of bullshit magic people talk about. But that wasn’t realistic.

  I hated that word—realistic. It rolled off my tongue like an expletive.

  Heather was right. I decided to show him what he’d given up, hoping he would remember the feeling of our love. I always thought it was strong and real. It’d always felt that way. I couldn’t reconcile our last months together, even the way he had become distant, with his actions at the end. No matter how much time passed, I couldn’t understand or accept he ended us the way he did, that it was over with no hope of us getting back together. I, at least, needed some damn answers.

  As we pulled up to Peter’s house, I couldn’t stop the swell of anticipation and hope at seeing him again. I knew he’d be there. His best friend, Heather’s cousin, Marchello, said he would be. He also said, every time one of my text messages came through, Alec’s face would go sad before he could stop it, and he’d turn his phone off. But he wasn’t seeing anyone. At all. So that had to be a good sign. Right?

  I didn’t see him when I entered the house. I scanned the living room, but he wasn’t there, just countless couples making out on every couch, chair and even the floor in the corner.

  Good God, get a room already.

  Shaking my head, I turned and grabbed Heather’s hand to go get our drinks from Peter’s makeshift bar in the kitchen. That’s when I saw him.

  No wonder I hadn’t seen him right away. Some slutty, blonde skank was straddling his lap, grinding her herself into him. He was kissing her neck, and his hands were grabbing her ass, rocking along with the movement of her hips.

  I stood frozen in place, my heart slowly breaking again. How could he do this? I didn’t think I could ever feel any worse than I did at that moment. But then, Alec’s beautiful crystal blue eyes met mine. They looked cold, different, off somehow. Not like my Alec. But then again, he wasn’t my Alec anymore.

  Nobody else could have recognized the regret in his knitted brow, but I did. At least I thought I did, until he turned his head back to the slut’s neck. He pulled her closer, and if they weren’t clothed, they could have been having sex right then and there.

  So much for “making love” being something you do only with someone who means the world to you, someone you love with your whole heart.

  It was special for us the first time we’d made love, or at least I thought it had been. Every time we were together, it had felt special, like we were the only people who existed on the planet. But Alec wasn’t making love with this slut. And I knew she wasn’t anything special. I’d seen that tramp stamp rocking on guys’ laps at parties enough to know that she was always hooking up with whomever would have her. I’d just never imagined my Alec would be one of them.

  Flashes of our first time flooded my mind. He’d made it so special. Yeah, it hurt at first, but he was gentle and made me feel like I was his whole world. Watching him with her, I couldn’t believe we were each other’s first. From what he was doing with her now, I wondered if he’d really been a virgin our first time. He’d never done that with me before.

&nbs
p; He slowly stood up as she wrapped her legs around him. When he walked past me, we locked eyes, for the first time ever, a chill ran through me as I looked into the cold depths of crystal blue. He looked like he was pissed at me for being there. He kept walking down the hall as the slut gyrated her overused asset against his waistline. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the scene before me. He set her down and pushed her up against the wall, grinding himself against her while she nuzzled his ear.

  With one last angry look at me, he reached around her and opened the guest bedroom door. She grabbed his hand and yanked him in the room, slamming the door behind them, finally breaking his eye contact with me.

  I couldn’t stop my feet from moving. It was like some force was pulling me toward that bedroom. Finally standing in front of the door, my feet felt glued to the spot where her shrill laughter and slutty moans seeped from the room. Creaks and headboard thumping echoed in a steady rhythm of sex from the room, making my stomach churn.

  I couldn’t move. I couldn’t tear my eyes from that damn bedroom doorknob.

  I slid down the wall with my mind focused on the door that stood between me and my whole heart. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt any more, but at that moment, my heart was well and truly shredded.

  The next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed. I took a shower, got dressed, made a sesame bagel, and drank a hot cup of tea. Resolved to not wallow in my pain, or let it define me, I stomped off to my bedroom, threw my suitcase on my bed, and began shoving clothes and shoes into it. That was it. I had to get the hell out of there. After I finished packing, I left a note for my parents and one for Heather. I couldn’t deal with talking to them face to face yet. I got in my car and headed to Auburn. Alison and Tamron would be able to get my mind off of Alec. And right then, there was nothing I needed more. When I arrived, though, I just sat in my car and stared at the locked door to their old style apartment building.

  I felt like my world had shattered into a million pieces. The act of leaving, getting into my car, and driving away from Atlanta, somehow felt so final. While I waited for them to come home, I second-guessed every decision I’d made since seeing Alec with the slut. What had I done? Should I go back? Should I have confronted him, instead of leaving? How could he do that to me? We’d been making plans for our future together, and the next thing I knew, he was ripping my heart to shreds.

  Was anything he’d ever said or done genuine? Did he do all of that just to have sex with me? Did he ever love me?

  I knew if I didn’t get out of my car, I’d end up driving back to Atlanta, certainly to more pain than I knew I could endure. I couldn’t remember the damn door code to get in to their apartment building, so I just sat on the steps, my back against the column, and waited for my best friends to come home. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I heard their voices talking right beside me. I sat there with my eyes closed, still as a stone, as they discussed my unplanned visit.

  “I wonder why she’s here. Did she call or text that she was coming?” Tamron asked in a worried voice.

  “I don’t know. Maybe we missed a message. Tamron, check your phone. There’re no messages from her on mine. Good Lord, look at her. She’s a mess. Her cheeks are all splotchy red, and she’s got bags under her eyes. It’ll take a week of cucumber treatments to repair that damage,” Alison whispered in a hushed tone.

  “So help me, Alison, if Alec is the cause of this, I will castrate him myself!” Tamron’s heated voice retorted. “We warned him not to hurt her.”

  I cracked open my eyes and sat up straight. I stretched my arms and looked from Alison to Tamron, then down at my hands clasped together in my lap. Tamron sat down on one of the steps below me and wrapped her arms around my legs in a strange kind of a hug, while Alison sat beside me, rubbing her hands up and down my back. For the first time since I’d known them, they were both silent. I knew they probably had a lot of burning questions, but neither seemed able to find her voice at that moment. They were waiting for my explanation. I was sure they’d be angry with me for not telling them what had happened earlier. It was Tamron who broke the silence first.

  “What the ever-loving fuck did Alec do?” she asked.

  And that was all it took for the floodgates to open and for me to become a sobbing mess on the front steps to their apartment building.

  “Come on, let’s go inside and get Sam settled in with a cup of hot tea. We can talk about this in private,” Alison urged, looking around us.

  I’d been there once before, right after they first moved in and remembered their apartment being cozy, and even though I felt horrible, their place felt like home because they were there. For the first time since Alec broke my heart, I felt like I could breathe again.

  Tamron made a cup of my favorite chai tea. As I drank it, I told them about Alec’s strange behavior leading up to his breakup. I also shared the texts messages I’d sent that never got a response, as well as Alec’s actions with the slut at Peter’s house party, then my driving to Auburn to be with them.

  Again, they were silent. It was unsettling and made me feel edgy. I tore off little pieces of my napkin, waiting for one of them to say something. Alison reached across the table and took my hands in hers. I looked up and saw Tamron standing there, too. Both of their eyes glistened with tears, their cheeks pink with the anger I knew they felt toward Alec.

  “Sweetie, let’s call it a night and get some rest. You’ve got to be tired,” Tamron said.

  Alison nodded her head.

  “I’ll make the sofa up while Tamron helps you get settled in. We can talk in the morning. You can also explain why we’re just now hearing about this instead of months ago when Alec broke up with you.”

  I nodded my head and took a drink of my tea.

  “I know you’re wondering why we’ve been so quiet, but if we discuss it right now, I’ve a feeling Tamron and I would end up driving to Atlanta and kicking the hell out of that weasel fuck. While I can assure you it would give us both a great amount of satisfaction, we know it would only hurt you more.”

  They both hugged me goodnight and went to their bedrooms. Lying there quietly on the sofa bed, I felt lightheaded as the tears flowed freely down my face and into my ears.

  I rolled over to my side, and pulled Alec’s favorite Falcons t-shirt out of my bag on the floor. I knew it was stupid to hang on to it after all this time. I mean, it wasn’t like it even smelled like him anymore. I washed it like a normal person would. And yet, I continued to cuddle it every night as I slept.

  The next morning, I decided it was time for my fresh start. I wasn’t going to focus on Alec anymore. I folded and put his Falcons t-shirt in a bag and locked it away in the trunk of my car. When the girls got up, I had coffee ready and even made them French toast. It smelled like heaven to me, and by the looks on their faces, they thought so, too. I’d always loved cooking and baking. It was therapeutic for me. While we ate, I noticed, every so often, Tamron and Alison looking at each other and winking or a nodding their heads.

  “Okay, what the hell is going on with you two?”

  “Our boyfriends are having a frat party tonight, and we think you should come,” Tamron blurted out.

  “Don’t say no, Sam, just say yes and go. It’ll be fun and a way to start fresh and enjoy life again. Besides, you need to meet Tamron’s Quinn and my Riley. It’s been long overdue anyway,” Alison said, all while not breaking eye contact with me, which meant saying no wasn’t an option.

  “Ugh, yes, fine, I’ll go with y’all. I have my favorite jeans and t-shirt with me.” I smiled up at them and noticed their Cheshire grins. “Ohhhh no. Absolutely not. You both have that ‘let’s play dress up with Sam’ look on your faces. It’s a frat party. I’m not dressin’ to impress anyone. As a matter of fact, the absolute last thing I want is to have to deal with some drunk-off-his-ass, smokin’-hot-and-he-knows-it college guy trying to get into my pants. Not interested, so y’all can take your sexy clothes and wear t
hem yourselves. It’s just jeans and a t-shirt for me.”

  I knew I’d just dead-blocked their fun. But I really wasn’t looking for someone, not even a one-night-stand rebound fling. I just wanted to cut loose and have a fun night, to forget my problems for a few hours. I wasn’t into casual sex.

  I’d only ever been with Alec, and just the thought of it made me have flashbacks of him at Peter’s party with that blonde slut gyrating all over his lap. I still recalled his cold, accusing eyes staring at me with anger before he turned and buried himself back into her neck. Nope. I was not interested in even going there.

  “Fine. Wear your boring jeans and t-shirt. But get dressed, because we’re all going to get our belly buttons pierced.” Tamron said.

  My mouth hung open as I stared at her. “Are you crazy? That’s insane! I’m not doing that!”

  “Oh for Pete’s sake, Sam. It’s not gonna hurt . . . much,” Alison taunted.

  “Yeah, easy for you to say. Yours isn’t done.”

  “Exactly why I said we’re—all—going,” Tamron huffed.

  “Oh my God. Why do I always let y’all talk me into doing things? Fine. Let’s go. A new day, a new life. May as well mark it with a little more pain,” I deadpanned.

  We arrived at Riley and Quinn’s house around nine, an hour and a half late, but the girls wanted to keep the guys waiting and watching the door. I guess they always showed up late so no one ever knew when to expect them. I couldn’t stop laughing at their silly ritual. God, how I had missed them.

  To say the party wasn’t what I expected would be an understatement. There were no beer cans in the yard, no loud music blaring. These guys were pretty respectful of their neighbors. Well . . . brownie points for them. As we walked into the house it was packed with people, drinking, dancing, laughing, and kissing in heated embraces.

  “Sam, this is John.” Tamron motioned to the guy who’d answered the door. “He used to live here, too, but he abandoned us after graduation and moved up to Alaska.”