Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  “Damn, I know that’s rough, man. But that doesn’t mean you should just walk away from the love of your life,” John said.

  “No, I know. But it’s eating at me. It’s the right thing to do for both of them.”

  “But it’s not the right thing to do for you. And I don’t think it’s the right thing for Sam either. You said he broke things off with her and pulled that crazy shit after, to push her away. I’d say he gave up any rights to her a long time ago. What if he breaks her heart again?”

  “Yeah, but Peach thinks there’s a reason behind it. This secret he’s keeping. I just feel like this is the way it needs to go. I don’t believe he would ever hurt her again.”

  “Shit. Well, if you need to get away, you know you can always come chill with me here. I can hook you up with some Grade A Alaskan sweethearts.”

  I shook my head. “Thanks, man. I may head out your way eventually, but I don’t need or want anyone else, Alaskan or otherwise. For now, I need to stick around here, for as long as I can handle it anyway.”

  “Well good luck, Emmett. You’re gonna need a truck load of it.”

  “Thanks. Later, man.”

  “Later,” he said before hanging up.

  I dropped my phone on my dresser, walked into the bathroom down the hall, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I wasn’t sure of how this day would end, but I made a mental note to check the whiskey in the liquor cabinet to be sure I could drown my sorrows later on should I need to.

  As lame as it is to break up with someone over the phone, it’s how I decided I should do it. I knew if I saw her, I’d never go through with it. I’d cave in a split second. The scent of her perfume wafted through my mind, and I nearly threw my phone across the room. Instead, I dialed her number.

  “Hey, babe,” she answered.

  “Hey, Sam,” I murmured.

  She gasped. “Is . . . everything okay? Is something wrong?” she asked.

  “Everything’s fine. Well, it will be. Listen, we need to talk.”

  “Okay. What’s up? Miss me? I miss you! Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle and see a movie, have dinner. That would work,” she urged.

  “Peach. No. I can’t.”

  “Okay, maybe tomorrow?”

  “No, not tomorrow either. Listen to me for a minute, okay?”

  “Sorry, babe. I just miss you. All right, I’m listening. Go ahead.”

  “Just let me say everything I have to say before you respond, okay?”

  “Emmett, stop, you’re freaking me out!”

  “Fuck! There’s no easy way to say this. It’s over, Sam. I, uh, can’t deal with this shit right now. You should just be with Alec.”

  “What? No, absolutely not, Emmett! You’re not throwing me away like he did! I love you. You love me. We can work through this. I told you, I’m only staying to make sure he’s okay, and to find out what he’s hiding. I’m just worried about him. I’m not staying to get back together with him. I love you.”

  “Sam, just stop. It’s over.”

  She started crying, but I had to keep going. I had to end it.

  “It was—fun while it lasted.” I punched my hand into the mattress, where she used to sleep by my side.

  “What? Are you telling me I was just a piece of ass to you? Now, that there’s a complication, you’re wiping your hands of me?” she retorted.

  “God, Sam, we . . . we just weren’t meant to be together. Look, I’m sorry. Hope you’re both okay. I gotta go.”

  I hung up the phone before she could say anything else and shoved it in my back pocket. Grabbing my keys, I went for a drive and tried to purge the images of her from my head.

  As the weeks went by, I hated myself for breaking up with Sam. The whole thing sucked. So I got in my car and drove to Atlanta. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to call Alec, and tell him. I couldn’t just sit there and give up on Sam. Damn it. I tried to do the “right” thing. But I wanted her. I needed her. Most of all, I fucking loved her. I was empty without her. I was a shell.

  But I’m a greedy bastard. I knew Alec loved her. I remembered how he talked about her that day at Aunt Robin’s. Before I knew who she was. Before he destroyed her spirit.

  He had that whole she’s-The-One, Emmett, kind of love in his eyes. Don’t get me wrong. I love my little brother, but Sam had consumed me, including the part that used to think rationally . . . selflessly. Without her, those parts were gone, leaving behind nothing but need and greed.

  Fuck it, I should just go to Hartsfield-Atlanta airport, buy a one-way ticket across the pond, and never look back.

  But it was too late for that. I knew Sam loved me, too. Needed me. Wanted me. I could see the way my presence affected her when she thought I wasn’t looking. I know because it’s the same way she affected me.

  How could she think I didn’t care, that she was just another piece of ass to me? As if Samone Lang could ever just be someone’s fling. For fuck’s sake, she could lift my life up or destroy it with one breath.

  No. I couldn’t just sit idle and let her go. If Alec thought he could just pop back into her life, apologize, and win her back, he was sorely mistaken. Little brother would survive. His broken heart would heal; he’d move on and live a long, happy life . . . but not with my peach.

  He should’ve never let her go in the first place. When he broke her heart, he threw their love away. He threw her away. Whether any of us knew it then or not, he pushed her to me. And now she was mine. I’d be damned if I was gonna let her go. I just had to convince her to give me another chance after breaking up with her.

  Just deciding to fight for Sam made me feel like I could finally breathe again. I had to call him before things progressed any further. Before she found the strength to open her heart up to him again. God, I hated to hurt Alec, but I might as well have been dead, than go on like I was, living without her.

  I scrolled through my contacts in my phone and called him.

  “Hello.” The word was clipped.

  “Hey Alby.”

  Silence. It made my stomach drop.

  “What’s up Emmett?” he retorted.

  I flinched at his use of my name. “Can we talk? In person, I mean.”

  “I don’t have the time to drive to Auburn.”

  “You don’t have to. I’m here, in Atlanta.”

  “Fucking hell. Of course you are.”

  I sighed. “Just meet me at my hotel. We can have a beer in the lounge here and talk.”

  “Yeah. Fine. What time?”

  “When can you be here? I’m staying at the Atlanta Marriott Suites in Midtown.”

  “Okay, I’ll uh, see you in about an hour.”

  He hung up. I groaned. I knew it wasn’t going to go well. The thing was, we both loved Sam. Alec didn’t know I loved her yet. I was sure he thought she was just a piece of ass to me, one among many.

  I’ll admit, I used to be a player. I liked to have fun. I wasn’t the “different girl every night” kind of guy though. College was for learning and having fun. So . . . I had some friends with benefits. But how the hell could Alec think I could even look at Sam that way? I can’t imagine anyone ever thinking that of Sam. Especially not if they knew her. And, man, did I know her. She practically lived with me for months.

  I was already there and waiting when Alec walked in. God, we used to be so close. It really hurt to see his expression when he saw me sitting there. I could feel the giant chasm between us as he walked toward my table.

  “Mind if I sit?” Alec asked, his tone stiff.

  “Please do. How are you?” I asked. He looked haggard. My once-carefree brother had the weight of pain and sadness on his shoulders, and it was palpable. The tormented expression on his face was almost enough to change my plans. But I reminded myself how he’d treated her, the way she would close up at the mention of her ex. I loved Sam, and I needed her in my life.

  “Look, Emmett, this isn’t a social call, so let’s skip the bullshit. Obviously, if you c
ared how I was, you never would’ve tried to steal Samone from me.”

  I almost came out of my chair. “Alec, that’s not what happened! How many times do I have to tell you? I didn’t know my Sam was your Samone! She lives here in Atlanta. I live in fucking Auburn. That’s a two-hour drive.” I grabbed my glass and tossed the whiskey back. “How the hell was I supposed to know you were going to throw her away, or that she and I would end up at the same frat party? What are even the chances of that happening? She told me she was running from a bad break up, but I had no idea you were the person who’d broken her heart.”

  Running my hands through my hair, I remembered the shattered expression on her face when she told me she was getting over a break up. I never asked her about it, because I couldn’t stand to see that look in her eyes.

  “I swear, Alec, I didn’t know who she was. We were just drawn to each other.”

  “Yeah, yeah, Emmett, I’ve heard all of this before. Whatever. Doesn’t change the fact you were practically living with her for months. It doesn’t change fact that, even though you’re gone and she’s back here, where she belongs, things just still aren’t even close to being back to how they should be.” He slumped down in his seat. “Even though you left her, you’re still there, an unspoken part of everything. She won’t even give me a chance to win her love back. You know what? Fuck this shit . . . I didn’t even want to come down here, but you insisted it was so important we talk face-to-face. So, brother, tell me . . . what is so important? Samone and I are supposed to have dinner tonight. I’m hoping to rekindle her feelings.”

  My head rested in my hands, and I scrubbed them over my face as I looked up at him. “All right then, fine . . . I’m in love with her.”

  At first, there was a genuinely shocked expression on his face, but then he erupted in crazed laughter.

  “Oh, isn’t this rich? Extra, extra, read all about it! My brother, Emmett Walker, playboy extraordinaire, is in love and off the market! Better watch out, bro, half of the teaching assistants at Auburn will be positively jilted!”

  “Alec, seriously? Look, I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to express how hard this is, how hard it’s been for me.”

  He let out an irritated grunt. “You? Ha! You have no idea, what can be hard to deal with in life.”

  “The fuck I don’t! You think you’re the only one to deal with hard things in life? You think you’re the only one fate took people you love away from you? We both have suffered unbelievable loss when Mom and Dad died!”

  “Whatever, man.” He slammed the beer I’d ordered him down. “I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about Samone.”

  I shook my head. “Yeah, I know it’s been hell for you, too. But Sam makes me feel alive and happy. I can’t bear the thought of not being hers, or her not being mine. Just the possibility makes it hard to fucking breathe. I’m all mixed up. I can’t eat, sleep, nothing. It’s like half of my soul is missing with her gone, and I can’t . . . I won’t let that slip away. I can’t live without her.”

  Alec stood abruptly. “You know what, Emjay? Why don’t you go throw your poetic bullshit on someone else’s door? I love Samone, and I’m not about to let your dick get in the way of our happiness.”

  I slammed my hand down on the table. “That’s weak bullshit!”

  He ignored my outburst.

  “I’m going to win her back. I’ll do everything in my power to earn her forgiveness. But tell me something, brother, does she know about your past relationships? Does she know you slept with nearly half the TAs at Auburn your freshman year? Now you listen to me carefully, Samone isn’t just another piece of ass for you or anyone. She’s the type of woman to spend your life with and cherish. I love her and want her happiness . . . above my own. She’s not just someone to screw when the mood hits then toss aside!”

  “Me? Toss her aside?” I was outraged. “Are you even hearing yourself right now? You. Threw. Her. Away. You did that! You broke her heart. You have no idea how bad you hurt her. I was the one who picked up the pieces. So don’t even start your holier-than-thou bullshit with me! You. Will. Lose.”

  As angry as I was, I could see, when he’d said her name and piece of ass in the same sentence, how it made his teeth clench. But I didn’t need that, to know he loved her. I knew he did. The problem was that I did, too.

  “I don’t think of Sam like that at all. I love her. She’s inside my heart. I feel nothing but pain when she’s gone. And I think you should know . . . she’s in love with me, too.”

  His face blanched and twisted with pain, but I had to press on. He had to know the truth. I owed him that much.

  “She’s told me time and again. We always made sure the last thing we said was that we loved each other. I’m going to fight for her whole heart, brother. I can’t just let her go. I love you, and I’m sorry, but fate screwed us both. I’m going to do my best to be happy again, and that means being with Sam.”

  “Over my dead body, will I let you have her. She deserves better than you, Emjay. Damn it, she deserves better than me too, but I know I can give her what she wants and needs to make her happy.”

  I’d had enough of his bullshit. “Fine, little brother, if that’s how you want it.”

  Alec shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. A bad sign for either of us to do. He’d reached the end of what he could handle, and I felt a good brotherly brawling coming on. Instead, he just looked at me sitting there, a sad, regretful expression on his face. Not saying one more word, he threw some cash on the table to pay for our drinks then walked out of the hotel lounge and, at the time, what felt like my life.

  I went to the bathroom and was washing my hands when I caught my reflection in the mirror. Damn that face. Damn this fucking day. I just stood there. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from my reflection staring back at me. I was troubled and uncertain, while my heart pounded like a tattoo gun in my chest. What the hell had I been thinking? How could I have said that? When it was all said and done, and I looked back into the mirror, I just hoped I could live with what I saw.

  That was the first black mark on my soul . . .

  After Emmett ended our relationship, I cursed love and fate and every thing to do with soul mates and happiness. But I never even entertained the idea of rekindling my relationship with Alec. I couldn’t. I was in love with Emmett.

  I knew that Alec was hoping we could reconcile. He made no secret that he desperately wanted to get back what we’d had. But I didn’t feel that way about him anymore. My heart and love belonged to Emmett.

  I let Alec stay over periodically, on the nights he would get antsy about leaving late after watching movies, but never in my room. He always slept on the couch.

  Christmas was just a week away, and Alec wanted us to spend it together, but I needed to make sure he knew where we stood first. I didn’t want to lead him on in any way. He made mistakes, but I still didn’t know why he’d hurt me. He hinted about a special gift, and I didn’t want any blurred lines between us.

  After thinking about it for days, I decided there would never be a good or right time to remind him of the truth, and what I’d said in the café the day we talked. After Emmett broke up with me, Alec tried not to make it obvious, but he definitely turned up his efforts to win me back. So I decided to “rip the Band-Aid off” and get it over with. Because, no matter what I said, the longer I put it off, the more his hope would grow and the worse it was going to hurt him.

  “Alec, I think we need to talk again,” I said as he helped me carry bags of groceries upstairs to my condo.

  “All right. What about?” His voice sounded nervous. I guess he could tell by the tone of mine that he wasn’t going to like what I had to say.

  As I fumbled for the keys in my purse, I turned around and leaned against the front door.

  “You know that I love you—I’ll always love you, Alec. But, it’s not in the same way you love me. I want us to remain friends. I just need you to understand that I’m in love with
Emmett.”

  His eyes grew wide at my words, his mouth dropped open before his brow scrunched down in anger. “You can’t love him, Samone. He’s not capable of loving you. He’s a player, not the type to settle down.”

  “That’s not true,” I whispered. “He settled down with me.”

  “Yeah, and look how far that got you. He left you when the going got tough. Did he fight for you? No. He knows you’re here . . . with me. I may not have you back yet, but you can damn well bet he knows I’m trying. Only a fool wouldn’t.”

  I sighed as I set my purse down on the doormat.

  He set the groceries on the floor and roughed his hands through his hair and down his face. “Damn it, Samone, he hurt you! I saw it!”

  “Well, I guess it runs in the family, because you hurt me too, only worse—you were cruel.”

  His face blanched. “I said I was sorry. I had my reasons.”

  “Yeah, so you’ve said. But you still haven’t told me!”

  “I’m going explain everything tomorrow, when we have lunch by our tree. Please don’t love him. Don’t waste you heart on him.”

  “It’s too late. I love and need him.”

  The words were like a hot piece of coal burning in my heart. My chest hurt as I watched the light leave Alec’s eyes.

  Until then, I think he had thought and hoped my time with Emmett was nothing but a rebound fling, an infatuation he hoped to extinguish.

  After that, everything was a blur. It had all happened so fast, and I was frozen where I stood. He stepped back to lean on the railing, like he was trying to gather his thoughts.

  The damn wood railing broke, causing Alec to fall backwards. His arms flew up and his feet flew out. I watched in helpless horror as he tumbled, head over feet, down the stairs.