Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  Tamron and Alison didn’t understand. They tried, but their anger at Alec clouded their judgment. Or maybe it was my judgment being clouded by my own broken heart. I went inside and saw Mom and Dad sitting on the couch, cuddled into each other’s arms. Their love always seemed easy and perfect. I suddenly thought of Emmett and felt my smile broaden at our love. That thought, however, was ruined by a flash of him sitting against the wall in his bedroom after I hung up from talking to Alec.

  “Hey, Princess,” Dad said.

  Mom gasped. “Oh my gosh, sweetheart. We didn’t know you were coming! I would have put a lasagna in the oven and made a streusel.”

  “It’s okay. It was a last minute trip. No worries.”

  “Well, do you want some coffee? Your mom got one of those fandangled espresso machines.”

  I smiled at my dad; he was a regular cup of black coffee—plain, no foo foo stuff type of guy.

  “No, thank you. I’m really tired, Dad. If it’s okay, I’m . . . just going to head upstairs, take a shower, and go to bed.”

  Dad looked at me with a scrunched brow.

  “Okay, Princess,” he muttered hesitantly. “We’ll see you in the morning. I have to be in to the office early, but your mom will be here.”

  “Goodnight, sweetheart,” Mom said as she got up to give me a hug and kiss.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Dad asked.

  “Yeah. Just tired. We’ll talk in the morning.”

  I headed up stairs and into my room. As I stripped my clothes off, I decided I was too exhausted for a shower and would take it in the morning. I dropped onto my bed, falling fast asleep as my head nestled into my pillow.

  The next morning I called my boss, Mr. Jackson, and apologized for leaving without any kind of notice. I explained that something had happened and I had to come back home to Georgia. He was as sweet as ever and wished me well, said he would hold my job for me as long as he could. He even said if my stay ended up being longer and I needed a job reference, he would be happy to help me. I made a mental note to send him a thank you card with a couple fancy bookmarks I’d made. I really loved working there.

  Alec called to confirm we were still on for breakfast at Reveille Café in the morning. The drive wasn’t far from my parents’ house, so I arrived early and ordered my favorite, white elephant latte, while I waited for Alec to arrive.

  I was looking down when I sensed him walk in, and I immediately flashed back to the last time I’d seen him, walking into that bedroom with the slutty skank. My chest tightened, and I felt flushed. I wasn’t sure I could do this.

  I couldn’t breathe. I stood with my hand held over my mouth and grabbed my purse to leave. I couldn’t go through with it. This was too hard, too much had happened, and I didn’t think I could handle sitting across from him without losing it.

  Before I could step away from the table, his warm hand wrapped around my elbow. He pulled me close, and as much as I wanted to resist, as much as I wanted to fight his hold on me, I couldn’t. His embrace stole what little breath I had left.

  “Samone, it’s okay. Please don’t go. Just give me a chance to apologize, a chance to explain,” he pleaded.

  Looking up at him, I nodded. It was all I could do. As always in our relationship, I was mesmerized by his intense stare, those crystal blue eyes piercing my heart.

  “Okay, Alec, okay,” I murmured.

  We sat across from each other in silence. I was anxious and uncomfortable being near him and just wanted to get it over with, so I decided to break the silence.

  “Okay, Alec. Let’s talk.”

  “Hi.” He smiled. “How are you?”

  “Well, I’m here and clearly you can tell this isn’t easy for me, so can we skip the pleasantries and get right into your explanation, please?”

  Alec cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Samone. I’m so sorry. You’ll never know how deeply sorry I am. There isn’t any excuse in the world for what I did at that party, for how badly I hurt you.”

  I felt an instant pain in my heart and tightness in my throat as unbidden images of that night flashed through my mind. I must have worn that pain clear as day across my face, because Alec reached across the table and tried to take my hands, but I pulled back as if his touch had burned me, and laid my hands clenched together in my lap. Looking up, I saw pain skitter across his face, as well.

  “All I can say right now is, something happened . . . or, changed for me, and I had to break up with you. We just couldn’t be together. I needed time alone to process it all. I know I ignored the multitude of text messages you sent me, but you have to know how each one pierced my heart.”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Really? I have to know that, huh? Well, actually no, Alec, I didn’t realize my unanswered texts and ignored phone calls had any effect on you whatsoever. I’ve never been hurt by anyone in my life, as deeply as I was by you.”

  “If I’d known you were going to move away and go to Auburn, I can assure you, it would’ve gone down differently.”

  “Really? How could you have even expected me to stay here? You put me through hell, Alec! There was no way I could stay and go to Kennesaw State,” my voice shook.

  “I was so devastated, I couldn’t even take a steady breath until I crossed over the state line into Alabama.”

  “Hurting you that night at Peter’s party was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But that was the only way to make you stop hoping we could get back together.”

  I felt like I was going to puke. “It sure didn’t look hard,” I seethed then chuckled as I glared daggers at him. “Well, I’m pretty sure it was hard.”

  At the very least, he had the good grace to look ashamed.

  “Samone, tell me now, if I hadn’t done that, would you have walked away?” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done, and I can’t take it back. Believe me, if I could, I would erase all the pain I have caused you. Please, just tell me it’s not too late for us. Please say we can start over.”

  I laughed. I tried not to, I really did, but I laughed. “Alec, we can never start over and forget what happened. You broke my heart and shattered my soul. About the only thing we can do is talk about it, so tell me what happened. Why did you feel you had to go to such extremes to hurt me and push me away? Then . . . maybe we can move forward, but we can never start over. What you did will always be a part of our history . . . a part of who we are as friends. But, God help me, a part of me still loves you, and I’m willing to try and forgive you. I just need to know why.”

  “I can’t explain everything right now. I’m still sorting some things out, but I was wrong to exclude you. Please, on our love, I beg you, Samone, to let me have the time I need before telling you.”

  I’m sure, the look on my face told him I was way more than a little reluctant.

  “Please, just one more chance. It’s all I ask, and I know I don’t deserve it, but I love you so much. It hurt every day—every damn minute we were apart—it hurt my heart. I promise to never hurt you again, that I will explain everything as soon as I can. If you’ll let me, if you can try to understand what I am going through, I’ll spend every waking minute showing you how sorry I am.”

  I knew I didn’t owe him anything, but my heart longed for an explanation, and a part of me did still love him, just not the way he hoped for. They say your first love always stays in a special place in your heart. Thoughts of Emmett standing in his doorway as I drove away crossed my mind again, and I felt a different kind of pain. Alec must have mistook my sad expression for an answer because he started to get up to leave.

  “It’s okay, I see I went too far. I knew it. I’ve lost you,” he said.

  I reached across the table and grabbed his hand. “No, Alec, it’s not that. Look, I’ve something important to tell you.”

  He looked puzzled. “Okay. What is it?”

  “Now, please, don’t react. Just listen until I’m done.”

  He motioned for me to continue.


  “After the party and you . . . you know, put on your cruel show—”

  “Samone, I said I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, but I’ll say it forever if I have to.”

  “No. Just listen. Please don’t interrupt. After the party at Peter’s house, I went to Auburn to spend some time with the girls. They took me to their boyfriends’ frat party, and I met someone, and we’ve been together ever since. Practically live together really.” I took a deep breath as Alec stared intently at me. “His name is Emmett, Alec—Emmett Walker.”

  He flinched and yanked his hand away.

  “Wait, please. I didn’t know that he was your brother. He didn’t know who I was until you called my cell and your picture popped up on the screen. Your actions crushed me so badly, I could never speak of you. But you need to understand, I’m with Emmett now. We can try to be friends, Alec, but don’t make me wait forever for an explanation. I’m willing to forgive, but I need to know why you did and said the things you did in order to do that.”

  His expression transformed from devastation to resignation, as he seemed to accept all I was willing to offer him.

  “Okay. Thank you, Samone. You won’t regret it. I promise,” he said.

  With all the difficult parts now out in the open, we each ordered a bagel and talked of easier things, like our plans for the upcoming spring semester of college.

  It felt remarkably easy to talk to him again. He even mentioned he wanted us to go to our old park where we’d spent so much time under the old oak tree. He said we would talk about everything, and he would answer all my questions. Although it had been a special place for us, I felt it may be easier for him there to talk about whatever issues he had. It was a familiar place where we had shared many deep conversations. We bared our souls beneath the leaves of that tree. I agreed to go, as friends. I just hoped that Emmett would understand.

  “I’m not moving back here. I’m staying in Auburn. I like the university there, and Emmett and I have a good thing between us.”

  The look of pain that crossed his face was hard to witness, but I forced myself to sit there. He’d caused me more pain than he would ever feel. Truthfully, a small part of me savored the justice of it all. In that fleeting moment, I felt like the villain in our sorted tale.

  I needed to decide what I was going to do. I wasn’t sure about leaving Atlanta and going back to Auburn just yet. A part of me felt like I needed to stick around for a while. Thankfully, we were on break between fall and spring semesters. I could feel that Alec needed me. My mind grated at why I should even care after what he’d done to me. But something was really wrong, whatever this mystery problem of his was being the pivotal factor in the equation.

  But the other part of me was pulled back to Emmett. I loved him and longed for the feel of him holding me in his arms. I missed his smile. But a piece of my heart died a little each time I thought of his expression as he stood in the doorway of his room, watching me pack to come back here. The resigned tone of his voice, as the realization struck him that I’d be seeing Alec.

  I retrieved my cell and checked my recent calls list. Emmett’s name was usually at the top, but now it was five contacts down. I looked at the date of our last call. It was three days ago. Tapping his name, my head hung in shame. I should have called him earlier.

  The phone rang and rang. Just as I thought it would go to voicemail, he answered.

  “Peach.”

  “Hi Emmett.”

  Silence filled my ears.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t called. I, umm, got so wrapped up in things here.”

  “It’s okay, though a text message would’ve been nice, if nothing else, to know that you made the drive safely,” he snapped.

  “I know. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I love you.”

  “Ahh damn it. I love you too, Peach. I didn’t mean to be an ass. I just worry, you know. This whole thing sucks.”

  “Yeah. It does,” I answered.

  “So, have you seen him?” he asked in a strained voice.

  “Yes,” I whispered. “We met for breakfast the morning after I got back here.”

  “I see.”

  “Emmett, something is really wrong. I just don’t know what it is. He still won’t tell me why he broke up with me.”

  “Or why he acted like the biggest douche on the planet?” he seethed.

  I gasped.

  “Yeah, I know about what happened at that party, Peach. I called the girls after you left, and they told me what he did, and how he hurt you. I really get it now, why you never talked about it before. I just can’t believe my little brother pulled some asshat shit like that on the girl he supposedly loved. And for fuck’s sake, I’m still pissed-off that your ex is my brother!”

  I couldn’t talk. I just listened as he ranted on.

  “I’m sorry, Peach. It’s just hard to deal with all this.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”

  “It’ll be okay when you come home to me. When are you leaving Atlanta?”

  “Umm, about that . . .”

  “Oh, hell no! Don’t you dare say you’re not coming home! I’ll drive down there and throw your ass over my shoulder and walk back to fucking Auburn if I have to!”

  “Emmett, please, listen to me for a minute. There really is something wrong here. Alec has some big secret he won’t tell me about yet. I have a really bad feeling. I think I need to stay here for a while and at least make sure he’s okay.”

  He didn’t say anything. I could hear him breathing. His silence was deafening.

  “Emmett?”

  “Peach, I don’t know what to say. On one hand, I’m seriously pissed-off and shocked and hurt and pissed-off some more. But, on the other hand, you’re freaking me out with all of this ‘something’s really wrong, big secret of his’ shit, and I’m really worried about my brother. This whole thing is a cluterfuck. We’re all gonna need to see a shrink after this is all said and done.”

  “I want to come home, babe, I really do, but I just can’t yet. I have to be sure he’s okay, and I’m not. The way he loved me . . .”

  Emmett’s sharp intake of breath startled me, but I continued.

  “ . . . there has to be something God-awful for him to have hurt me the way he did. I’m scared of what it could be. I’m really afraid for him. I need to stay for a bit. I’ll come home to you, I promise.”

  “Okay, Peach. Stay, but keep in contact with me, ya hear? A text message takes less than a minute and gives me relief of which you have no idea. I worry about you when you’re not with me. And please, let me know if you find anything out about whatever he’s hiding. I know I’m pissed, but he’s still my little brother, and I’m worried about him too. As soon as I can wrap my head around this shit, I’m gonna call him. We have to talk about this. I can’t go the rest of my life feeling like I wanna throat punch him. Yeah, we’re definitely gonna need a damn shrink.”

  “I’ll keep in contact and let you know as soon as I know anything. I love and miss you.”

  “Okay. I love and miss you, too, Peach.”

  There was a little over a month before the start of spring semester at Auburn. I wasn’t about to stay with my parents while I stuck around to sort out Alec’s bizarre issues. Since I’d changed my original plans and moved to Auburn, Heather had already found an alternate housemate for her freshman year at college here. I could bunk with them, but I wasn’t keen on sleeping on a futon for a month.

  Luckily, I found a small, furnished condo for rent on a month-to-month lease. The strange part was, in a way, it reminded me of the place where Emmett and I had stayed in Panama City Beach. It was oddly comforting, like he was with me instead of being a state away.

  I went back out to my car and brought all my stuff inside. Then I curled up with spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It was either that or go raid my parents’ liquor cabinet, and I didn’t feel up to the twenty questions that would go with that visit. Satisfied for the tim
e being, I pulled out my iPad and read. That’s what I needed, to get lost in a book and someone else’s world.

  Thoughts of Emmett surfaced in my mind. I missed him. I knew he was feeling all kinds of mixed emotions, and I felt a deep ache in my chest.

  I was beginning to think, when I told Sam we were all gonna need a shrink after this was over, that I was more on point than I first believed. I certainly felt like I was losing my mind. I loved her and wanted her with me, but I loved my little brother, too. I was worried about him. He was cryptic with her about this damn secret of his. I hated that they had been together. Hated it. But I loved them both and wanted them to be happy.

  I woke up and called John. I needed to talk this out with my best friend and clear my head.

  “Hey, man,” he answered. “It’s a bit early isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, sorry. I always forget about the time zone.” I replied.

  “S’okay, man. What’s up?”

  “It’s just Peach. And Alec. And every damn thing.”

  “What do you mean? What’s wrong with them?”

  As I told him the whole sordid tale, there was a mixture of expletives and silence on the other end of the line. When I finished, he let out a long, low whistle.

  “Wow. That’s some seriously fucked-up shit.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it,” I said.

  “Well, what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. Well, I do. I just don’t know what to do afterwards.” I sighed. “I’ll probably lose my damn mind without her. But I love them both and want them to be happy. He was her first love, you know, and that love never leaves you. I know she’ll never leave my heart. I’ve never been in love with a girl before her. But I know my Peach; she has to make sure that he’s okay. I’m worried about Alec, too. Whatever he’s hiding has to be bad. But she’s also going to be with him on a daily basis, and her feelings are bound to be confused. I just keep thinking maybe I need to take a step back.”

  “Are you out of your fucking mind?” John yelled.

  “No, man, listen. I’ve thought about this a lot. It’s a shitty situation, and no matter how you spin it, someone gets hurt and left alone. I don’t want Alec to be left again. When our parents died . . . it was hard on both of us, but, because he was younger, I think he felt abandoned. He went through a really dark time for a while, and I wasn’t sure he would come back from that. Especially socially.”