The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  INTERACTIONS

  Reason for play, species, and personality in hand—now what? Now we get to decide what characters we interact with. Will you be a pet on your own, playing with toys or eating from a bowl? Will a human puppy play with another human puppy, or a group of human puppies, at a kinky sex conference? Perhaps your inner house cat and your partner’s puppy will interact with one another.

  Others will want to have their animal self interact with a human character. There is a lot of enjoyment to be had by being one of these humans. Do you want to be a pet “owner,” having pride in your pet, investing in or showing off a top-valued racehorse, or bonding with what is yours? For human pet owners, there is an intimacy of connection that can arise as pet and owner grow into their roles together.

  Sometimes a pet “trainer” actually spends more time with a pet than its owner does. Trainers have the capacity to create a regimen, formality, and structure with a human animal as they train it how to behave. You might enjoy being a trainer (or playing with one) if you enjoy dominance and submission, or if the notion of positive or negative reinforcement gets your juices flowing. By pushing or cajoling the creature, trainers help push their animal into being the best animal they can be.

  Sometimes a pet just needs to connect with a handler, someone who is a fan of pets and likes interacting with them without being invested as a trainer or owner. These are folks who have fun petting the kitty, playing tug-of-war with the puppy, or riding around on the pony’s back. Being a handler can be a great chance to let go of stress, fulfill our need for a nonhuman pet by having a human one step in, or explore bestiality fantasies.

  ACTIVITIES

  Many animal role players get flustered about what to do as human animals and their handlers. It’s okay. When you see porn featuring thousand-dollar pony harnesses, hoof boots, and a full farm to be run around in, it can feel as if you’ll never go there without the financial investment. This is not true.

  One of the simplest ways to encourage your transformation into an animal role is by changing your physicality into that of your animal of choice. Yes, those hoof boots might make you stand taller and walk upright, but so can a pair of high heels, or just standing taller and prouder. Consider petting your pony’s back to remind her of her posture, or physically straighten her out. Head high, proud! Even if he is a four-legged pony (someone who goes around on hands and knees, sometimes offering ponyback rides for those their frame can safely hold), help your pet keep good posture and his head high. Thus you can create physicality with no cost at all.

  Physicality can be encouraged in two-legged pony play (walking on human legs) by binding the arms back with something as simple as a pair of cuffs. For cats and dogs, encourage them to ball their hands in mitts, get a pair of gardening or sports knee pads to let them crawl around for longer on all fours, or find some sort of tail that can move as they crawl or walk about. For worms, what about binding the arms at their sides? What will help them be the pet they want to be?

  Come to it with a sense of humor and a willingness to see what evolves, instead of having a picture of the outcome in mind the very first time.

  Once you are physically moving like an animal, consider the types of activities your animal enjoys. Horses can be trotted around a room, led on a lead for formal dressage training, or hooked up to a cart for pulling. They might be put on display and examined at a human animal “show,” set up to be “studded,” or brushed down after a sweaty afternoon of activity (a great way to explore unusual sensations). Puppies can also be brushed, but what about feeding them a dish of chili out of a bowl on the floor—it looks a lot like dog food. Cats might be petted by their favorite little girl, or get taken to the vet. This allows for animal role play to be combined with age play (where grown adults pretend to be younger) or medical play (where a fetish for medical tools and wardrobe is engaged).

  Start out small. Try exercises like crawling on the ground, eating without your hands, or chasing a laser beam around a room. What does it feel like to curl up under your lover’s legs and let her pet you for a while? Come to it with a sense of humor and a willingness to see what evolves, instead of having a picture of the outcome in mind the very first time.

  If you find that the characters everyone plays are enjoyable, consider moving up to more complex wardrobe, props, or activities. A first-time scene is not the best time to invest in the milking equipment and full Swedish country girl costume—save that for after you know everyone is actually into it. Why spend the money, time, or energy on it if you don’t even know whether you and your partner will enjoy animal role playing?

  Find inspiration in the animals you mimic. What types of play do they engage in at home in their native environments? How do they notify their humans when they are hungry or need to answer the call of nature? What kinds of noises do they make and how do they move? These are all great places to draw ideas for role playing.

  CARE AND FEEDING

  When we engage in human animal role playing, the partner who becomes the pet is offering himself, his love, and his trust as a gift. With that level of trust, it is important that you, as the handler of a human pet, keep up your side of the bargain and care for him while you are in role.

  Does this mean that handlers need to provide for all the needs of their play partners? No. Before everyone gets into character, it is best to decide who is responsible for bringing what items, props, beverages etc. to the scene. Many pets have a preferred head harness, favorite chew toy, or precious fluffy bunny tail. Use them! They are already attached to those items and it will allow them more chances to be fully in role. Make sure someone remembers food, water, safer-sex supplies, explicitly erotic toys, and anything else that might come in handy during the scene.

  During play, also keep in mind what systems of communication you will use. In many forms of kinky sex play, people use a safeword to let others know when they need to check in or stop the scene, but many human animal role players prefer not to use human speech. If you are playing with someone who wants to be able to communicate a safeword or needs to check in while staying in role, consider alternate systems, such as picking up a toy you otherwise would not use or rhythmically stomping a paw or hoof.

  Some pets drop so deeply into their role that they can only understand their trainer’s body language and tone once they are fully transformed into their animal self. These human animals may not be able to deliver safewords or warn you that they are tired of using human words—so find out what their language is. When they are tired, do they yawn or try to lie down? When they are hurt, do they buck up and try to get away? This could be mistaken for obstinacy—find out why your pet mews or screams.

  Ethics

  The issue of ethics also comes up when we are playing with those who drop so deeply into role that they no longer can communicate with us in human language. Just as BDSM has subspace, where a bottom goes so deeply into submission that it may be a challenge for them to communicate, this can happen with some animal role players. If this happens to your partner, consider whether you should honor what you agreed to before they went into character or listen to what the animal before you is trying to tell you.

  Things can sometimes go wrong. Once, shooting with Playboy television, I was being ridden by starlet Kira Reed while I was a four-legged pony. I had been a pony for some time that day, and my head space had slipped into being that of a horse—I had forgotten how to speak. This would not have been an issue, except that Kira was wearing spurs—she kicked my thighs and I bucked. She thought I was being playful, and so did everyone else on the shoot. She kicked me again, and I bucked again. This went on for some time, my horse self trying to throw her, and Kira digging in deeper. Finally someone saw that I was bleeding from the spurs.

  She was mortified. I was slowly brought back to being a human by taking my tack and costume off, bringing me back layer by layer to my human skin. She and I talked about what happened, and we were all fine, but it taught me that if you plan to
do anything really physically tough (a horse-breaking scene or a greased pig catch, say), consider working out nonverbal cues as a form of safeword. If the animal comes to a dead stop, for example, it’s a good sign that something is wrong. If they are not fully in animal head space and can talk, try using a partial language system. Many folks use stomping or barking to indicate yes and no—one bark, yes, two barks, no. Other options involve pet versions of head shakes—up and down for yes, side to side for no. Perhaps you will develop a system where someone needing to go to the bathroom will paw at the bathroom door.

  Fully character or animal-invested individuals might be fine with playing beyond what you would do with an actual animal, but are you? If you are the handler, trainer, or pet owner, consider what your limits are for playing with individuals who have “become” animals. Perhaps you were delighted to have your sexy kittygirl lick you for hours on end, but if she no longer seems to understand English and is acting like an actual cat, how do you feel about engaging with her sexually? Do you feel it crosses the line into a bestiality fantasy, or is it just good clean fun? It is important to observe these limits during a scene, and discuss your behavior with your partner when they are fully human again.

  Training and Correction

  But what happens if your pet does something inappropriate? If they are acting a way because it is in alignment with their persona, look at how you might react to an actual animal that had behaved that way. Is it squirt bottle time for the unruly cat, or a swat on the ass with a rolled up newspaper for the naughty puppy? If your pet does something silly—laugh! If he can’t open up the plastic bag because he’s a kitten in mitts (or has socks taped over his hands), help the poor kitty out. Say, “Poor kitty, let me get that for you.” If she’s a happy and jumpy puppy and you are trying to focus on a task, chide her like the bad dog she is.

  But if your lover or play partner actually does something that upsets you, pause or stop the role playing. Do not try to work out your anger and frustration by using the scene as an excuse to literally kick your human dog. This applies to the animal role player as well. If you and your partner are having a challenge in your life together, don’t just pee on the rug to get even. Discuss real issues in a human-to-human dialogue.

  Once we have explored the fun and the silliness, the sexiness and the sensuality, the fierceness and more of our characters, some of us may be done. There is nothing wrong with trying out a character once, having fun, and moving on. Others want to come back to their personas again and again, setting regular kitty play date nights or creating a cue to indicate when they are in kitty character, such as putting on a collar.

  Remember, this is your scene, your play, your desires. Make human animal role play the best for everyone involved. Let it feel silly, let it feel profoundly intimate and connecting—it’s all okay. And if your play has just gone crazy, be willing to do what good pet owners have always done since time immemorial: curse, swear, laugh, spit, cuddle up with your pet, and be in the moment. Tomorrow, maybe you’ll switch roles and be Lord Eduardo, King of the Goats.

  CHAPTER 13

  FORTEFEMME: THE ART AND PHILOSOPHY OF FEMININE DOMINANCE

  MIDORI

  Do you want to explore your dominant female side? Want to be that take-charge, fierce woman of danger and mystery, who gets what she wants while putting her partners through their paces? Do you want to feel confident in your sensual power, but are uncertain where to start? Or maybe you’re having urges of erotic power but are turned off by the tacky clichés of bad bitches? Perhaps your lover has requested you to take control and you find yourself wrestling with confusion and conflict. You’re not alone in any of this.

  A word about terminology here: In this chapter I use the term femme often. I prefer not to define it too narrowly, but rather let it elicit your subjective impression of what is feminine or female. It applies to your inner experience of the feminine, beyond gender and orientation. We all harbor feminine, masculine, and androgyne aspects in ourselves. Here I am addressing the individual expression of the feminine in the state of play and pleasure.

  Media and SM fiction would make it seem that the archetypal leather-clad dominant woman springs fully formed from the dark recesses of society, ready to scream like a banshee with whip in hand. The truth is that the real sexually dominant woman walks among us. She’s at your workplace. She’s on the commute with you. She’s strolling past you with a latte in hand. To understand the dominant woman, or to become her, step away from the common kinky expectations and consider who she really is. Strip away the corny SM stereotype, and what you have is a femme in possession of power, sensuality, and most importantly, herself. I’m certain you’ve met her.

  There are the classic icons of sexy dominant women: Dietrich, Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Scheherazade, Lady Murasaki, and Madame Du Barry. There are pop icons of femme power, such as Catwoman, Madonna, Wonder Woman, Lara Croft, and the like. But don’t forget the power femme in the everyday woman. She gracefully faces the obstacles and challenges of life with humor and determination, and creates her own success and destiny. That’s most certainly a woman of potency and substance. Consider all the challenges you’ve faced and the confidence you’ve gained from them. There is a power femme within you, waiting to be unleashed in the bedroom.

  The heart of feminine potency and feminine dominance is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It’s confidence. No step-by-step instructional on female domination can teach the confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the femme. No technical classes on flogging, bondage, or kink skills can create the powerful femme. No collection of leather, corsetry, latex, shoes, or other fetish accessories will make a woman sexually self-actualized. The essence of femme allure is simple, but it is certainly not easy to come by.

  HOW TO FIND YOUR POWER SOURCE: THE ARCHETYPE

  One of the most effective ways to begin identifying your power femme within is the Archetype Exercise. It’ll take a while to do this, so take your time. You will need a piece of paper and a pen.

  Consider this question: Who personifies the alluring powerful femme for me?

  The question is trickier than it looks. Don’t just start writing down names; think carefully about your life, about which women have influenced you with their charisma, their confidence, their sensuality. The answers may be different than you expect. Although the names you write down will be those of other women, this exercise is all about you.

  Give answers in as many of the following categories as you can: Myth and religion

  Folktales

  History

  Politics

  Popular culture

  TV/movie characters

  Family history

  Literary characters

  Media personalities

  Comics/manga/games

  Professions

  People in your past and present

  What names do you come up with? For me, women such as Catherine Deneuve, Mae West, Catwoman, Cleopatra, Amaterasu Omikami (the Japanese sun goddess), Brunnhilde, and my grandmother come to mind. These are but a few in a long list of women I admire for their allure as power femme icons.

  Now write those names in a column on the left side of the paper. Write as many as you can think of—the more, the better! You can do it in one sitting, or put down the list and go back to it from time to time. You may also want to bounce the question around with your partner or friends. Other icons for me are the Oiran (the highest-ranking courtesans of Japan), RuPaul, Emma Peel, prison wardens, Lauren Bacall, Borg Queen, or Drill Sergeant Rainey from my own basic training days.

  ARCHETYPE EXERCISE WORKSHEET

  Once you feel that you’ve done a pretty thorough job of listing your icons of powerful femininity, focus on each one individually and write down what makes her a power femme for you. You can use words, phrases, or thought fragments. Just brainstorm and let the words flow—don’t worry about whether the attributes you’re noting are historically accurate. Write down your impress
ions of these women and what you feel makes them iconically femme and powerful. It’s purely subjective.

  Take Catherine Deneuve, for example. I can say with confidence that she has a great sense of style. I cannot say with any certainty, however, that she feels vulnerable or that she understands her vulnerability to be part of her power. But I believe Deneuve does just that as an actress, so I would write that down. Some of the traits may not seem complimentary or flattering. Amaterasu Omikami was said to be fickle; Dietrich may have been selfish. Remember that the femme is not always about sweetness and light, or sugar and spice and everything nice. Sometimes the darker qualities of these femmes are exactly what make them so alluring—it is what makes them femmes fatales. Light cannot exist without shadow. Make sure to list the dark attributes as well as the light ones. Do this for all the names you’ve listed.

  You will now have two columns on a piece of paper: your icon names on the left and their attributes on the right. Now put the list aside and go do something fun. Maybe you suddenly feel a need to find a lipstick in the most perfect shade of red. Good. Go and do something that pleases you. With a refreshed mind, revisit the list. Fold the paper so you can only see the attributes column on the right.

  This right column is the index of your inner power femme attributes. Are you surprised? What words reappear? What theme is constant? What traits are you uneasy or uncomfortable with? It’s difficult to see our own powerful qualities—we look at others and project upon them what we value as femininity and power. They are our mirrors; they do what we wish we could. Sometimes our admiration of these women feels like a guilty pleasure. Why else would the great villain-esses be so attractive? Unfortunately, even in the most progressive Western cultures, women are often discouraged from being self-congratulatory. Many women never fully develop their own image of power or honestly acknowledge their own strengths. It’s safer and more comfortable to admire the power in others than to recognize and cherish it within us. A residual effect of having been historically the “second sex” is the inability to see the strength within.