Cold Feet: The Lost Years

by Carmel Harrington

  ‘My brains are really intact?’ Josh asked.

  ‘Yep. ’Fraid so, buddy.’ Robyn laughed, suspecting correctly that now he was out of Mrs Joyce’s judgemental care, he was enjoying the grossness of the situation.

  Halfway through the procedure, the intercom buzzed. ‘That will be your daddy, I reckon,’ she told Josh.

  She pressed open on the buzzer, to let David into the apartment. Two minutes later, both David and Karen burst into the room, panting from running up the stairs.

  They stopped in shock at the scene they found when they walked in. Josh sucking a lollipop, his hair wet from the cream, and Robyn smiling at them with a metal comb in her hand.

  ‘Hi, Mummy, hi, Daddy. Robyn gave me a lollipop,’ Josh said, waving it in the air. ‘It’s not my favourite colour. It’s a green one. But she didn’t have red.’

  ‘I’ll get them in for next time you’re here,’ Robyn promised.

  ‘And she gave me a piggyback ride. She’s good at them, Daddy. And she didn’t mind if the crawlies jumped into her hair, did you, Robyn?’ Josh said, grinning widely.

  Robyn smiled. ‘I don’t think I’m quite as good at the train rides as your daddy. But I did my best.’

  David looked at Robyn. ‘You didn’t need to do all this. Thank you.’

  She shrugged off the praise.

  ‘You see that?’ Josh said, taking another lick, as he pointed at the plastic bottle. ‘That’s Robyn’s magic potion. It stuns the crawlies. She got a family-sized bottle, so there’s enough for all of us.’

  Karen was standing back listening to the exchange and felt stunned. In a million years she’d never have pictured Robyn in a scenario like this. The woman she’d faced in mediation when she was going through the divorce with David was nothing like the woman who stood before her now. Face bare, with no make-up on, hair scraped back into a bun, metal comb in hand.

  Karen felt completely thrown off-balance.

  ‘As I told Josh, both our hair will be silky smooth by the time this treatment is done!’ Robyn said, then, as if in realisation of how she looked, she put her hand up to her face self-consciously. ‘I must look a state.’

  ‘You look magnificent,’ David said.

  ‘You might not say that when you’re combing through my hair in a few minutes!’ she joked. ‘Right, buddy, I think you are just about done. Not a crawly in sight.’

  ‘Yay!’ Josh cheered. The he said, ‘Robyn told Mrs Joyce off. She was mean to me.’ He was delighted to share this news. He ran over to Karen, who picked him up in her arms, his legs wrapping around her waist.

  Karen and David turned to her, faces full of questions.

  Robyn filled them in on the earlier conversation, stating how she’d found Josh and what she’d said to Mrs Joyce.

  Karen and David looked dumbfounded.

  David found his voice first of all. ‘I’ve thought about telling Nurse Ratched what I think about her for months. She’s a horrible woman. Always making snide comments. When I rang the school, she was overly nice, telling me that she hoped Josh was okay and to send her love to him. I wondered what the hell was going on.’

  Karen looked at Robyn, as if seeing her for the first time.

  Robyn felt nervous. Karen hadn’t spoken since she came in and she was nervous that she’d overstepped the mark. Should she have just sat in the office with Josh and waited for one of them to arrive?

  David walked over to give Josh a cuddle, pulling him from Karen’s arms. And then Karen moved to Robyn and clasped her hands between hers. ‘Thank you.’

  Robyn couldn’t find her voice for a moment.

  ‘I mean it. I am so grateful Josh had you today, fighting for him.’

  Robyn felt herself flush. ‘Anyone would have done the same.’

  ‘Not anyone. You,’ Karen said firmly, then stared in horror as she saw something march down the side of Robyn’s face.

  ‘What?’ Robyn said, as she felt something move in her hair. She reached up to scratch her scalp.

  Karen picked up the bottle of head lice treatment. ‘Take a seat. I think we better get this on you quickly.’

  ‘Don’t worry, they won’t eat your brains,’ Josh said, reassuringly.

  ‘Come with me and I’ll get your hair washed,’ David said, bringing him into the bathroom.

  Robyn took a seat and Karen placed a towel around her shoulders. She suspected there was a time when Karen would have cheered at the thought of her scratching her lice-infested head.

  But today, all previous battles were forgotten. Karen squeezed the treatment into her scalp and said, ‘Go on, tell me again exactly what you said to her. I wish I’d been there. She’s such a frightful woman . . .’

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  The never-ending love and the talisman

  Maggie May’s Bistro, Belfast, Northern Ireland

  Adam looked at the text one more time.

  Meet me in Maggie May’s Bistro tomorrow for a coffee. 3pm? Please, Adam. I just want to talk. Jane. X

  He’d been tempted not to come. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see her today, or at any time in the foreseeable future. He thought about leaving. But before he could contemplate that any further, she walked in.

  This time there was no sexy strut. She looked more like the Jane he’d dated in the summers of 1984 and 1985, wearing blue jeans and a vintage Van Halen T-shirt, her long blond hair in a low ponytail. She’d not aged a bit.

  ‘I wasn’t sure you’d come,’ she said.

  He shrugged. His plan was to listen to what she had to say, then get the hell out of Dodge.

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine,’ he replied.

  ‘And Matthew?’

  ‘Also fine.’

  She nodded, as if she’d been expecting this reaction.

  ‘I owe you an apology,’ Jane said.

  Oh. Okay. That wasn’t what he expected.

  ‘I knew that Bill was your father. And I stupidly thought that by sleeping with him, it would make you jealous.’

  He’d guessed that much.

  ‘And now that I’ve had a few weeks to think about it all, I’m mortified.’

  ‘About what part?’ he was genuinely curious.

  ‘It all. I don’t know what I thought I was doing. But most of all, I’m ashamed that I played games with someone that I care about. Someone who is grieving the loss of the love of his life. I never even stopped to think for a moment about the pain you must be in. I just thought about myself.’

  Adam had not been expecting any of that.

  ‘You needed a friend. You deserved better than what you got from me,’ Jane said.

  Adam held up his hand. No more. If one more person came and apologised to him, his head would explode. ‘You’re grand. Let’s forget about it.’

  ‘Thank you. How are you doing? It must be difficult. You must miss her.’

  Adam looked at her and wondered if this was just another mind game. He didn’t have the energy for it. He just wanted to go back to his dad’s. ‘I’m fine.’

  Jane nodded. ‘Look, I’ll head off in a minute, I’ve said what I wanted to say. But before I go, there’s one more thing. Do you remember back when Mam died?’

  Adam nodded but in truth it felt like a life time ago. ‘What was it, 1984 or 85? I spent the summer in Coleraine.’

  ‘You’ve a good memory. It was 1985. I was a mess. Fear makes you do funny things I think,’ Jane said.

  He remembered a lot of anguish and pain that summer. Bill had just left. His mother was angry and crying all the time. The only good thing in his life was Jane. They’d fallen in love and been inseparable. And then, the unthinkable happened. Cancer. Quick and relentless, until suddenly Jane’s mother was no longer there.

  He looked at her and thought, you lost your mother too. Just like Matthew. And some of his anger towards her melted away.

  ‘Do you remember the day of the wake?’ Jane asked.

  He nodded again.

  ‘I ran away.
I was terrified, I didn’t want to go. But Dad wouldn’t listen to me.’

  Adam hadn’t thought about that time in decades. He remembered walking into her house with his mum. She wore black head to toe and cried a lot for a woman that she’d not known that well.

  Jane’s father had grabbed him when he walked in, demanding to know where Jane was.

  He’d truthfully told him, he didn’t know.

  He remembered how her father slumped at that news. Adam felt fresh sympathy for Mr Fitzpatrick. He understood his pain now.

  While her family all panicked about where she might have run to, Adam instinctively knew where she’d be.

  Their bench. Their park. Their place.

  He ran out of her house and didn’t stop until he reached her, head bent low, shoulders hunched.

  She was lost in a world of heartache and Adam had felt ill-equipped to deal with it.

  He begged her to come back with him to her house. But Jane refused point blank.

  ‘I can still remember how that fear tasted. Bitter and acrid in my mouth. It filled me up so much, I thought I was going to drown in it,’ Jane said.

  Adam now knew first-hand what that felt like now.

  ‘Remember the movie The NeverEnding Story?’ Jane asked.

  Adam laughed; he’d not thought about that movie in a long time. ‘A cracker! I loved that movie!’

  ‘Me too,’ Jane said. ‘You went out and bought a leather snake bracelet. You said it reminded you of the talisman that was in the movie.’

  Adam shook his head as that memory came back. ‘I had forgotten that. Wow.’

  ‘I think we saw that movie half a dozen times that summer,’ Jane said.

  ‘I remember one day we watched it three times in a row. We hid in the back of the cinema, waiting for the next show to start,’ Adam recalled.

  Jane smiled at the memory too. She sometimes wished that they could go back to that time.

  ‘On the day of the wake, when I was too scared to say goodbye to Mam, you took that bracelet off and . . .’ Jane began.

  ‘I said it was your Auryn. Your talisman. Like in the movie,’ Adam finished.

  ‘Yes,’ Jane said. ‘To protect and guide me. That’s what you said it was for. You wrapped it around my wrist and you told me that it would give me the strength I needed to go say my goodbye to Mam.’

  She rubbed her wrist as if it were still there.

  ‘You were a brave wee thing that day,’ Adam said. He remembered how much she trembled as she walked up to the open casket, in the front room of her family home. But she’d rubbed the bracelet and somehow or other, his talisman worked for her.

  ‘The real reason I wanted to see you, apart from needing to admit how much of an eejit I am, was to give you this.’ Jane reached inside her purse and pushed something on the table in front of him.

  ‘No!’ He exclaimed. ‘It can’t be the same one.’

  ‘It’s your bracelet. I kept it.’ She picked it up, uncoiled the two ends of the snake, and placed it on his wrist. ‘Back with its rightful owner now. I thought that maybe you and Matthew might need it, to protect you both wherever you go.’

  Adam touched the leather in disbelief.

  ‘It’s time for me to let go of the bracelet. And of you too,’ she finished on a sigh.

  ‘You deserve the love of a man who adores you. Only you,’ Adam said. ‘That’s not going to be me, Jane.’

  She smiled. ‘I know that.’

  She stood up and kissed him lightly on the cheek. And then she was gone.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  The godparents and the grazing gazelles

  Cineword, Didsbury, Manchester

  Karen and Jenny walked out of the cinema smiling.

  ‘Feel-good movie, right?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Karen replied, totally satisfied with how Something’s Gotta Give turned out.

  ‘Diane Keaton looks unreal for her age. You’ll be like her in a hundred years or so,’ Jenny said.

  Karen laughed at that. ‘I’m not like that now, never mind in forty years’ time!’

  ‘You know who’d be like Jack Nicholson in forty years . . .’ Jenny said, with a glint in her eye.

  ‘Adam!’ they both shouted out at the same time.

  A movie had seemed like a good choice when they decided to get together. A way to dip their toes back into their friendship, without having the pressure of conversation. But now that they’d spent some time together on their own, without children or men, Karen, didn’t want the evening to end.

  ‘Have you time for a coffee?’ she asked.

  ‘I’d like nothing more,’ Jenny replied. ‘But there better be something sweet and sticky on the go too!’

  They walked to the nearby Caffè Nero, and sat down with their cappuccinos and skinny raspberry and chocolate muffins.

  ‘How are you?’ Karen asked.

  ‘How have you been?’ Jenny said at the same time.

  ‘You go first,’ Karen urged, smiling.

  ‘Well, I’m hormonal as fuck. Swearing like a fishwife. Fat with leaky boobs that seem to have a mind of their own and my C-section scar itches like crazy, but I’m afraid to scratch it in case I reopen the stitches. But, despite all of that . . . I’ve never been happier.’

  Karen and Jenny laughed.

  ‘You and Pete are back on track then?’ Karen speared a piece of muffin with her fork.

  ‘It’s like we never split up. All the stuff that happened with Pete and Amy, Pete and Emma, Pete and Jo, me and Robert, me and Grant, well, it seems so trivial and inconsequential.’

  ‘Don’t forget Pete and Ramona,’ Karen reminded her.

  ‘How could I forget that one!’ Jenny said. ‘Well, ALL of that, it’s like it was a bad dream. It feels like we’ve wiped the slate clean. Finally. Chloe, believe it or not, has made us closer.’

  ‘I always thought you and Pete were the ones who would make it to end,’ Karen said. ‘I could see you both, growing old together.’

  ‘There was once or twice, I think we both tested that sentiment. But honestly, it’s like all past transgressions are gone. We’ve forgiven each other.’

  ‘And forgiven yourselves, too.’

  Jenny paused for a moment and thought about this. ‘You’re a wise one, aren’t you? Yes, I think we might have.’

  Jenny looked at Karen, trying to make up her mind if she could ask something or not. She decided to give it a go. ‘Speaking of forgiveness . . . do we still hate Robyn? Just wondering can I invite her to the christening . . .’

  Karen laughed and replied, ‘No we don’t hate Robyn any more. I’m not sure I ever want to have a girly night out with her, but we’re okay. She’s okay.’

  ‘Phew!’ Jenny said. ‘And David and you, friends?’

  ‘We are! And a lot like you and Pete, we seem to have forgiven each other too. Although, I’m not going to list out both of our indiscretions and flings. I suspect we might be here for some time if I did that!’

  ‘Speaking of flings, have you seen Mark at all?’ Jenny asked, referring to Karen’s last boyfriend.

  ‘No. And I don’t want to either. I’m taking some time away from men. Also, I’m back in AA again,’ Karen admitted. Going to regular meetings gave her back some control on what had felt like a life spiralling.

  ‘My sponsor – Jean – says to me that I need to remember that it’s usually the gazelle that’s grazing on the outside of the herd that gets eaten first of all. The gazelle that stands in the centre, surrounded by other gazelles, lives to fight another day. Or a lion, if you get my drift,’ Karen said.

  Jenny shook her head in amazement. ‘Wow. That’s deep. Are gazelles the ones that look like big Bambis with the double horns?’

  ‘The very ones. Well, I suppose, for me, I have to learn not to self-sabotage. Drink became all about that for me. I’d begun to let dark thoughts creep in. I told myself that I didn’t need support, I could do it on my own. But the loneliness just compounded my i
solation and fear. I came close to blowing it several times.’

  ‘Shit, Karen.’

  ‘I’m getting better at telling that voice in my head that likes to screw with me, to fuck off.’

  ‘Good for you,’ Jenny said. ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit friend. I could have, no, I should have been a lion, fighting those lions for you. Or another gazelle, guarding you . . . but maybe I’d have got eaten then too by a lion . . . sorry, I’m rambling. The point is, I wish I had been there for you.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ Karen said. ‘You’ve had a lot on.’

  ‘I have been busy. But I hate to admit this, I was jealous,’ Jenny blurted out.

  ‘Of what?’ Karen was gobsmacked.

  ‘Of you and Jo. Rachel would send me these messages, telling me how close you and Jo had become. And I know it was me who left Pete, but I never wanted to leave my friends. I missed you all. I missed you.’

  ‘Jo could never replace you, Jenny!’ Karen exclaimed. ‘We liked her, she was a lot of fun and a really nice girl, but she could never be our Jenny!’

  ‘Really?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘Really,’ Karen replied.

  ‘But she’s all bendy and makes her own granola.’

  Karen started to giggle.

  Jenny went on, ‘I can’t even touch my toes. And I normally hate granola but hers is food of the gods.’

  ‘Can’t say I’ve tried it, but I’ll take your word for it,’ Karen said, smiling.

  ‘And Audrey showed me a photograph of her on the beach in Sydney and even I kind of fancied her!’

  ‘Well, she’s not had any children to batter her body yet,’ Karen pointed out.

  ‘I don’t know about you, but before I had kids, I didn’t have a stomach like hers.’ Jenny looked down at her mum tum spilling over her jeans.

  Karen popped the last of the muffin into her mouth and said, ‘But is she happy? Really happy?’

  ‘Ha!’ Jenny replied, using her finger to pick up the last of the crumbs off her plate. ‘Miserable I’d say!’

  Karen leaned in and said, ‘You are worth ten of her.’

  Jenny felt silly for ever doubting her friend.

  ‘We’ve set the date for the christening. Adam’s coming back for it.’