Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  Throughout the night, Holly’s shock turned into anger. She felt as though all she’d been doing lately was defending herself or her decisions while everyone ganged up on her.

  Screw them all! she thought and decided she was determined to rise above everything. But it still didn’t help how much it hurt every time something bad happened, and God, she missed her mother more than ever.

  ***

  “I hope you never die.”

  “I will one day, honey, but let’s hope that day doesn’t come for a very, very long time.”

  “I never want that day to happen. I need you here forever.” Holly watched her younger self lunge across the couch to embrace her mother, remembering how she felt completely safe yet utterly stupid in the moment. “God, I hate movies that make me cry.”

  They’d just finished watching the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei flick Untamed Heart on the VCR, and Holly couldn’t help but get emotional. His death at the end was so sad. Stupid baboon heart.

  “It’s a good way to get it all out.” Emma gave her arm a squeeze and laughed through her own tears. “I’ve always been a sucker for emotional love stories, though. This one may not have had a happy ending, but the love was genuine.” She sighed. “Not all of us are as lucky in love. When it happens for you, just promise me that you’ll choose wisely. Will you do that for me?”

  “You can count on it.” Holly sat up again and turned to her. “You’re the best mom, and I love you no matter what.”

  She could remember feeling as though her mother needed to hear that and longed to be back there again as she watched herself in yet another dream that felt so real. From across the room she tried to will herself to get closer. If only she could give herself a warning of what was to come, the outcome might be different. If only she knew in a few short weeks she’d be forced to say good-bye for good.

  Her transparent hand shot forward just as her mother spoke again. “Me too, baby, me too.”

  Just as she felt as though she was being sucked away, her younger self looked straight at her as if she felt her own presence, looking curious yet confused. The blackness took hold, and she felt a complete emptiness inside of her, numbness, before hearing a faint whisper in the distance.

  “Life is what you make of it, but sometimes the outcome is beyond our control. Be careful, baby.”

  “Who’s there?” She was trying to look around the black cloud of nothingness when a bright light blindsided her back into consciousness and her dream was all gone in a flash.

  She gasped for air, clutched the sheets in a cold sweat, and could have sworn her whole body jerked as she awoke from the good but also really creepy dream.

  Could she call it a nightmare? Not really. The events she recalled in the dream had actually happened about three weeks before her mother died. What chilled her most was the eerie feeling she got at the end of it, and it still lingered in the room. Was she hearing things? Making something out of nothing again?

  ***

  The move out of Lauren’s couldn’t come fast enough. Everyone’s temper seemed to worsen, including hers, and Lauren and Andrew’s marriage seemed to be getting worse. They argued constantly, and Holly felt as though she was back to walking on eggshells whenever they were around. No place was going to be home until she made one on her own, and she could only hope that a little peace would come into her life soon. She felt as though she’d hit rock bottom again and longed to feel complete once more.

  “I had to get out of there. Thanks for saving me.” Holly smiled and gave Jules a big hug, feeling grateful that she was able to pick her up and take them back to Jules’s apartment for a break. Holly had known her for years from school but hadn’t been close to her until after her mother died. Better late than never, she guessed. Holly was just thankful she still had a few friends who cared. Lately, Jules had been busy travelling to London to help care for her sick mother and had just gotten back. Sadly, she was moving soon. It was just too inconvenient to travel so much, and her mother really needed her.

  “Like I’d ever refuse a visit.” Jules snorted before stepping aside to let her in. “Maybe you can help me pack.”

  “You’ve started already?” Holly looked around the small apartment in shock, “But I thought you weren’t leaving for another two months.”

  “Next month, actually. The landlord has a sublet for this place, and my mother’s getting worse.”

  “I understand.” Holly sighed. “It still doesn’t change how much I’m going to miss having you around, though.”

  “Me too, Hol.” She winked. “Now I need a subject change before I get all weepy-eyed. From one depressing subject to another, why don’t you tell me about Alex? Have you told him yet? How did he react?”

  “Depressing?” Holly mocked. “My life? No way.”

  “Spill it.” Jules laughed, threw an arm around Holly’s shoulders, and led her toward the couch. “We can pack a few knickknacks while you fill me in.”

  “You mean you’re going to put me to work right away?” Holly teased while she made herself comfortable. “You’re a slave driver.”

  “Damn straight, but you love me anyway.” Jules reached over to tuck a stray hair behind her ear and sat down on the battered La-Z-Boy recliner across from Holly. “Come on, Hol, you know you want to. It’ll make you feel better to get it all off your chest, and I need to make myself useful while you’ve still got me here.”

  “Fine, he took it moderately well at first and then just left me there once it was all out. Are you happy now? One minute he’s all sweet, and the next it was like I disgusted him.”

  “Now that I find hard to believe.”

  Holly’s eyes narrowed as she watched Jules’s mouth twitch. “It’s not funny!”

  “No, it’s not.” She burst out in a fit of giggles. “Sorry, Hol, I don’t know what’s come over me. I guess I could just picture you there getting all defensive like you sometimes do and leaving him stunned speechless. You’re a force to be reckoned with, and I’d hate to be on the receiving end of your wrath.”

  “Well, you’re wrong. We were both pretty calm. He looked a little freaked out after finding out—justifiably of course.” Holly laughed with her. “He was a little stunned, I suppose. It’s not funny, though, but it’s either laugh or cry about it, and I think I like your method of laughing better. I’m going nuts, I swear it.”

  Jules rolled her eyes. “Okay, now give me some details, and I promise not to interrupt again.”

  “There’s nothing much to tell.” She shrugged. “Long story short, he said he missed me, wanted me to be his girlfriend, and then wanted to fool around. I told him I missed him too, said yes to being exclusive, but said we really needed to talk before we did anything else. He agreed, we sat down together, and I told him everything.”

  “Well, who was she?”

  “Who, the girl? She’s a childhood friend, apparently. A girl he also slept with, but a long time ago before I was in the picture. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about her. He said she was nothing more than a friend, and I believe him. Anyway, so I told him I was late, and he pretty much said he wasn’t ready for this. Like I am? I mean, come on. A baby is a big deal, a lot of work, and a big responsibility, but it’s happening and…” She sighed before getting emotional. “Is it so terrible that although I’m scared, I already love it?” She placed a hand on her stomach for comfort.

  “No.” Jules got up to sit beside her on the couch. “Not at all.”

  “Good, because I do. I’m in my first trimester, and it’s probably only a blob still, but God help me, I love my child and will do whatever I have to for him or her. It just hurts that I’m doing this on my own. I haven’t talked to him since, and I’m not even sure I will. Talk about being in the shortest relationship ever!”

  “I’ll say.” Jules smiled and then exhaled. “You okay?”

  Holly nodded but her tears betrayed her. “Maybe not now, but I will be.” She smiled weakly. The need for comfort overwhelmed her,
so she held on to her friend and let herself give in to her emotions right then.

  “You still have me, Hol. I’ll be here if you need me to be, and don’t count Alex out yet. You need to talk to him again. He’s probably just confused.” Jules tried to soothe her by rubbing her back until Holly pulled back to look at her again. “He didn’t actually say the relationship was finished.”

  She wiped her eyes. “No, you won’t. You’re leaving way too soon, and I’m gonna miss you. Can we talk about Zander later?”

  “We can always try the long-distance-relationship thing. We can email, send letters in the mail, and talk on the phone as much as possible.”

  “The long-distance-relationship thing?” Holly laughed through her tears. “Now you sound like a girlfriend—”

  “We could be, at least until before I go.” Jules winked.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. I’ve been attracted to you ever since I can remember, and now that I’ve gotten to know you, it makes me want you even more.”

  “But—but why didn’t you ever say anything? I mean we’ve been friends for almost two years. I’m not sure how I feel about this and—wow, I’m completely shocked.” She blinked several times.

  “Well, this has to be a first. Holly the Beautiful is speechless. That doesn’t happen very often.” Jules reached out to nudge her chin forward, forcing Holly to look at her. “Just hear me out. We’ve got another month before I have to go, and I’ll take this as fast or as slow as you want me too. Just please don’t reject me now. Give it a chance.”

  “We’re still friends, Jules. In that I will never reject you, but I’m not sure about more than that. I’ve never thought about it before. I mean, you know I’ve experimented with other girls before, briefly after my mom died. A little kissing and petting, but I prefer men.”

  “I can live with that. All I’m asking is that you think about it. We have a month to make the most of it. We’ll go slow if you need to, but let’s just see if there’s a spark between us to try going a little further first.”

  “Okay, what do you have in mind?” Holly smiled shyly, feeling vulnerable and completely clueless.

  “This—”

  She gasped and went wide-eyed as Jules moved to get closer. She slowly moved her hands up Holly’s neck and into her hair. Stopping just short of touching lips, she whispered, “Relax, baby, I would never hurt you. Let me finally love you, especially right now. I’ve dreamt of this.”

  A sudden urge to possess Jules came over Holly, and she wasn’t thinking clearly. She could hear the need in Jules’s voice, and it triggered her own sense of wanting to be loved. She needed someone in that moment, and it gave her a brief opportunity to forget everything she’d been dealing with recently. Jules had been a great friend, it was just the two of them right then, and without further thought, Holly closed the distance to finally lock lips.

  As soon as their soft lips touched, she let Jules take the lead. Kissing her felt different. Where Zander was all hard muscle, Jules was feminine, soft, and definitely all woman. Her silky, wet tongue outlined Holly’s lower lip before pulling back to tease her and prolong the moment. Her mouth opened a little wider, capturing Holly’s lip between her teeth to tug on it. Jules lightly nipped and then sucked it to soothe the sting. A corner of Holly’s mouth lifted into a smirk, and she pulled back slightly to look at Holly again.

  “Stop playing, I never pegged you for a tease.” Holly wanted more now and knew what buttons to push to get it.

  There was a soft, feminine growl that soon faded to moaning. Jules took her challenge and closed the distance again. She probed the slit of her mouth, seeking a better taste, taking Holly up on her challenge. Their tongues finally met. Soft, silky, and wet, with a mutual curiosity and need and a building passion for the new experience. Where Jules’s fantasy was now slowly becoming a reality, Holly longed to get more from her, and damn, Jules was a good kisser. These new emotions surprised her.

  Breathless, Holly took a moment to realize Jules had pulled back to slow things down. “Wow.” Jules smiled and caressed the side of Holly’s face. “Like I said, we’ll go as fast or as slow as you want to, but damn that kiss was amazing, don’t you think? Pregnant or not, I still want you, Holly. Tell me you want more.”

  The last sentence trailed off as though it was a plea, and Holly could hear the longing in Jules’s words. Hell, she felt it but was still taken aback by the shock of her friend’s confession to begin with and her by own confusion at the moment.

  “I think I do,” she whispered, “but I just can’t right now. Jules, you’ve been terrific, and I’d be lying if I denied the kiss we just shared was anything but great. We’re friends, but I can’t give you more tonight. I need some time to figure things out, and I know that we’re running out of it, but—”

  “Shh.” Jules placed a finger against her lips to silence her. “It’s okay, Hol. I’ve waited to confess this to you for the last year or so. Hell, probably before then. The point is, what’s a few more days or weeks longer? I will see you again, won’t I? I mean, this isn’t good-bye yet, right?”

  “Of course not.”

  “That’s all that matters, then. I’m still the same friend you’ve always had. I just feel a little lighter in the shoulders now that you know. In fact, letting the cat out of the bag felt pretty damn good.” Jules smiled and cupped the other side of Holly’s face. “Think about it and come back to me. I’m not going to get angry if you reject me, and I won’t hold it against you. I care, Hol, a whole hell of a lot. Better late than never, I guess. I had to tell you before I left. Otherwise I always would have wondered about us. Either way this plays out, now I’ll know and I can live with your answer, no regrets.”

  “O-okay.” Holly sniffed and tried hard to hold back more tears. “I’m sorry, it’s just—fuckin’ hormones.” She wiped her eyes and leapt before she lost her nerve to capture another kiss. Their lips met and molded together in another passionate kiss, and her chest heaved in exertion in an attempt to calm her rapidly beating heart.

  “Oh God, Jules, I really have to go.” She had a curfew and needed to get back to Lauren’s house on time. Not only that, but she knew if she stayed, things would definitely go further, and still wasn’t sure if she was ready for that yet. Jules’s confession had her confused, surprised, and because of their kissing, a little horny. She needed to get away to clear her head and cared enough about Jules to not do anything she might regret later on. Her friend deserved better, so anything else they did had to be an all-or-nothing encounter. She had to want it and be sure she did, but there was also Zander to consider. “I’ll call you.”

  Jules’s disappointment was evident in her expression, but she nodded in understanding. So Holly dashed for the door to leave without a backward glance and headed toward the bus stop down the street. She had a lot to think about, even more so now. Would the stress and worry ever end? Not any time in the near future, she guessed.

  Chapter Eleven

  The weather was beginning to cool down, and the fresh air helped Holly think more clearly as she dashed to the bus stop yet again to wait for the bus home. It’d been a really long day at school, and it sucked that she wasn’t able to see Jace all week. He was on vacation, and she looked forward to him getting back so he could help her sort out the mess she’d gotten into since the last time they’d spoken. Lost in thought, she chewed on her bottom lip. It’d been a hell of a couple days, first with Zander freaking out and then again with Jules blindsiding her with this infatuation stuff. It was a lot to absorb.

  Jules…

  Holly touched her lips, thinking of their last kiss.

  She boarded the packed bus and had to stand in the isle with only a pole to hold on to for support. Stupid, smelly buses. She looked at the big guy beside her who reeked of BO and grimaced from the urge to say, You know, there’s this thing they call deodorant. You can buy it almost anywhere, and all you have to do is lift your arm and roll some on your pits one at
a time. Now do I need to get started on soap? But of course she wouldn’t. Instead she shifted through the throng of people and managed to squeeze herself in a small space near the back door. It was cramped but had way less of a pee-yew factor. The driver was hard on the gas, and the bus jerked with every stop, almost dislodging her hold. Passengers crashed into each other and cursed, but everything got worse when they hit Rideau Street.

  Downtown was one of the busiest parts of the city with government offices, Parliament, a decent sized mall, and small shops everywhere. It also had monuments, hotels, the canal, and museums as some of its main tourist attractions. Once on Rideau everyone seemed to want to get off the bus at once. Maybe being by the door wasn’t such a great idea after all, Holly thought. One would think it’d be worse being jostled around while the bus was still in motion, but Holly’s luck turned worse a few blocks from where she normally got off.

  “Excuse me.”

  She nodded and moved aside to let the person beside her pass to get off. Just at that moment, the bus slammed on its brakes to avoid running through a red light and made her lose balance. Her midsection took the brunt of the fall, and the person from behind knocked the wind out of her when they fell too, adding their weight on top of hers. “Oomph!”

  What the hell just happened?

  Her stomach lodged against the top bar of the seat, her feet left the floor, and her face was pushed into the back of the person who was sitting in the two-seater in front of her. The whole ride home had been a blur so far. Replays of her doctor’s visit, the argument with Lauren over the apartment, telling Zander the big news, and the kiss with Jules all seemed to absorb the world around her until this very moment. What could possibly happen next?

  She cried out in pain when someone helped dislodge her and doubled over. “It hurts so much, please help me.”

  The bus driver turned on the four ways, called for an ambulance, and directed passengers to the next stop for another bus.