Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  Everything had gone to hell, and the moment was pure agony.

  ***

  At the hospital she was wheeled into the emergency room. They did an outer examination on her stomach, gave her medication for the pain, and checked her internally to see if there were any changes to her cervix. That’s when they noticed the blood.

  “Ms. Hewitt, when did you say you had your last exam? And you say the result was positive? When was your last menstrual cycle? Have you received an ultrasound before?” The nurses bombarded her with questions.

  “I went to the doctor two weeks ago, and she gave me the test then. Yes, it was positive. No, I haven’t had an ultrasound yet, and I’m not sure the exact date of my last period. What’s going on?”

  A nurse nodded and wrote something down on a chart. “I’m sorry, but it appears you might be losing this baby. The doctor will be in with you shortly to explain more. In the meantime, I need a contact from you. Can I have the name and number of your parent or guardian?”

  “Can I just give you the name of the person she usually gets to pick me up? He’s a good friend and the father.” Tears streamed down her face, and now that she was drugged, she felt so drained and tired. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

  “I can grant you that for now, but I’ll be obligated to call your parents if the doctor decides you need admitting. What’s the name of your friend?”

  “Alexander Harrison.” She whimpered. “Can you ask him to come?”

  “Will do. His phone number?”

  ***

  A thin, bald man with glasses pulled back the curtain to enter her little space and closed it again behind him. “Hello, Miss Hewitt, I’m Dr. Monet.” He rubbed hand sanitizer on his hands and lifted the bed sheet to examine her. Cold fingers pushed on her stomach and she winced. “Are you still feeling pain?” He looked at his watch. “We could probably give you more ibuprofen if you’d like?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Okay, I’ll have the nurse bring you something momentarily. I’d like to do an ultrasound before we let you go to make sure there is no internal damage to your stomach or reproductive system due to the miscarriage and accident earlier. I’m so very sorry for your loss today.”

  “So it’s official?” she cried.

  “I’m very sorry, but yes. You were in the early stages of gestation, and with the amount of blood you’ve produced, I’m fairly confident. Now if you’ll give me a moment, I’ll get that ibuprofen delivered, and I’ll have to check and see if the monitor is ready.” He gave her one parting glance before he was out of sight. She had time to curl up in a ball and sob before Zander rushed in a few minutes later.

  “Oh God, Holly, are you okay?” He hurried to her bedside and she eagerly went into his arms.

  “Physically, yes, otherwise…” She sniffed. “I’m apparently not pregnant anymore.”

  “I’m so sorry, babe.” Zander held her. “For everything.”

  “So am I.” Holly pulled back to look at him and wiped her eyes. “T-they want to do an ultrasound to make sure there is no internal damage, and if it all goes good I should be able to go home. You didn’t tell Lauren, did you?”

  “No, I rushed right over. I didn’t even get a chance to explain anything to my parents. I ran out and jumped in the car as soon as I got the call.”

  “Our little secret?” She winced when she tried to sit up. “I don’t want to relive this or explain myself to anyone.”

  “Our secret,” he whispered, “whatever you want.”

  The ultrasound didn’t detect anything abnormal considering the circumstances, and thankfully the doctor thought she’d still be able to have children one day. She was soon discharged from the hospital with sample packs of ibuprofen for the major bruising from the impact and strict orders to take it easy. She needed plenty of rest and had to abstain from any physical activity for a couple weeks—Aka no sex or heavy lifting. She also had to monitor the bleeding, and if it got any worse she was to return.

  They were quiet on the way home, and Zander took his time driving them on purpose. “Where do you want to go?” He gave her a quick sideways glance, then put his focus back on the road.

  “Can you stay with me tonight? I need to go home, but I don’t want to be alone.”

  “How do you propose that? I don’t think Lauren would take it kindly if she finds me sleeping over.” He snorted. “But I’d like to be with you tonight, so sure.”

  “Good.” Holly’s shoulders sagged with relief. “Drop me off at home but give me about half an hour, and I’ll sneak you in through my window. It’ll give me time to get settled, and you can do what you need to do. What are you going to tell your parents?”

  “I’m going out and I won’t be back until the morning.” He shrugged. “I’m nineteen, Hol. They don’t keep me on a tight leash the way Lauren does to you.”

  “I guess it pays to be a guy sometimes.” She curled her lip. “They don’t have to worry about you coming home pregnant like I used to be.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and winced when she wrapped her arms around her center out of habit. I will not cry, damn it. Pull it together!

  “We’re here.” Zander reached over, kissed the top of her head, and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll be at your window in a half hour. Be ready.”

  ***

  Zander

  She had the drapes pulled aside and the window open a crack. He watched her for a minute before making his presence known.

  Her long brown hair fell down to her lower back when she tilted her head back to take a sip of water to wash down the pills the hospital had given her. She put the cup on top of her dresser and stood in front of the mirror. She wore short shorts, and she lifted her tank top until the hem rested just below her breasts to expose the bruises underneath. Zander swallowed and decided he’d had enough of being a peeping tom. He softly tapped on the window to let her know he was finally there. “Hey.”

  “I’m glad you made it.” Holly attempted to smile when he climbed in, fixed her shirt, and then pulled the covers back on the small twin bed. “Lauren has a migraine again and went to bed early. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about being interrupted, but I locked my door just in case.”

  “Good.” He gently took her hands to bring her closer to him and dropped to his knees. “I know we can’t do anything very physical tonight, but I need to touch you.” He very carefully lifted her top again and gently kissed where his baby had once grown, then up to the evidence of the accident.

  “Zander,” she whispered and ran her fingers through his hair. “Can you just hold me for tonight?”

  Without a word he nodded, stood up, and carried her to bed. It was a tight fit, but it didn’t matter. He gently laid her down and joined her as soon as she’d made room. While it took them quite a while to fall asleep, there was no talking, just holding, and what little comfort he had to give her in his kisses and caressing. He wasn’t about to let go when she needed him. Without speaking, he held on as promised and let her release the pain on him through her tears on his now incredibly wet shirt. In a short time they’d been through a lot together.

  ***

  Holly

  Dear Mom,

  I’m empty. I mean literally. There’s no baby, only a void left, and I’m pissed because it hit me like a ton of bricks. That loss again, and it all started with you!

  Why did I have so much taken away? Why the hell did you have such crappy taste in men? Why couldn’t you see the psycho Clay turned out to be? There were signs, there had to be. You didn’t listen to us, either. Chrystal and I let you know how uneasy he made us feel, and you did nothing.

  Look where it got you. What it did to all of us. I could use you so bad right now, and you’re gone. You’re fucking gone! And I’m breaking inside. I’m a shattered piece of what I should be. I hit a wall somewhere along the way, and I lost most of the pieces behind me. Can I put myself back together? I don’t know. I wish I did, but it doesn’t feel like it.<
br />
  I’m so fucking mad at you, and I hate him for taking you away.

  I hate you for leaving. There I said it, so what now?

  Love you always,

  From:

  Holly

  (A pathetic, broken shell of a human being.)

  She scratched out the last part where she’d normally write I’ll love you always and ripped the paper a little with the pen when she signed her name at the end of it, pressing the tip down too hard. She needed an outlet to rid her of some of the anger, because right then she was out of tears to give, just fed up, and numb. She needed her mom and couldn’t have her, so this letter was supposed to try to relieve some of the emotions she held inside. Instead it only made her feel worse, yet again. After she wrote the letter, she crumpled it up and threw it across the room, knowing it wasn’t good enough to keep. She also didn’t need any reminders hanging around of her feelings at this moment in her life, or what triggered them.

  ***

  “So how was your vacation?” Holly fiddled with the hem of her sleeve and tried her best to waste some time focusing on Jace and his recent holiday with his family. Anything was better than thinking about what she’d gone through recently, and the last thing she wanted was the focus to be on her. Heck, she had a hard time even maintaining eye contact.

  And to think you were actually looking forward to Jace’s return so he could help figure out your options. Since there is no baby, what’s the point? And right now it’s way too fresh anyway. There is no way in hell I’m bringing it up, either. Too personal. I don’t ever want to talk about it. It’s between me and Zander. Nobody else’s business. Now if only I could forget…

  “It was great. The wife and I went to visit relatives in Florida and had a blast. We haven’t visited for a couple years, so it was really nice to see everyone again. We went to the beach and tried surfing. I haven’t done that since I was a kid. Oh, and the Disney theme park because you’re never too old for that—come on, am I right or what? Time just flew by.” Jace cleared his throat. “But it’s good to be back too. How have you been since we last spoke?”

  “Same old, same old.” She was vague on purpose. “I started getting things for the apartment.”

  “That’s great. Are you looking forward to the move? It’s right around the corner now.” Jace’s enthusiasm made her crack a smile. It felt like the first genuine one in a while despite how weak it was.

  “I am. I think you were right. It really will be good for me.” Holly sighed. “Lauren has been helping me get things together for the move. We’ve gotten pots, pans, utensils, plates, cups, bowls, towels, sheets, curtains, a toaster, and a bunch of other stuff I could go on and on about. I just pretty much have to pack. It’s on my to-do list as soon as I get my hands on some boxes.”

  “It sounds like you’ve gotten quite a bit of the essentials accumulated.” Jace laughed. “So I take it she’s come around.”

  “I think she still has doubts I’ll be able to handle it, but she’s been a little better. I have until the end of the month to move out, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Lauren has been pretty good when it comes to helping me with my start-out stuff for the place, though, so maybe she has come around. Who knows? I’ve got a lot on my mind, so it’s not really at the top of my priority list. It is what it is.”

  “Oh? Care to enlighten me?” Jace lifted his eyebrows and his expression screamed curiosity.

  “Not really.” She bit her lip. “I’ve tried your little letter exercise, and it’s brought forth a lot of feelings I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with yet.” There you go. It’s a partial truth at least. Let’s hope he buys it. Just don’t crack. Stay strong.

  “That’s what it’s supposed to do. I bet it hasn’t been easy, but in time it’ll get better.”

  Oh you have no freaking idea, bub. “No, it hasn’t, you know. It can be frustrating too. I know how I feel inside, but as soon as I try to put it on paper, it doesn’t come across like I want it to. Does that make sense? I’ve only tried it twice so far. The first time all I managed to get out was a quick ‘I miss you. Love you always, Holly.’ It was hard starting off. I scribbled a little at first, but all I could manage was short and sweet. So I threw it out. The second time, I was pretty depressed, and the letter came out really angry. I’m pissed off about what happened, and I feel like it could have been prevented. I’m trying not to play the blame game, but there are so many “what ifs” and “if onlys” I’m stuck with, and I ended up throwing out that letter too. I didn’t need the reminder down the road because it wasn’t pretty. I needed her so much at the time I wrote it, I still do, and that fueled some of what I wrote.”

  “That’s pretty understandable. There are many phases of grief, and I’m sure that’s not going to be the last time you feel that way. Everyone deals with things differently. There is no right or wrong way to go through those stages. As long as you don’t want to harm yourself or any others in the process, that is. You don’t, do you?” Jace gave her a stern look and smiled when she shook her head. “In the long run I think this will work itself out, and I still think writing those letters will benefit you greatly. Maybe not at first but…”

  “I get it, thanks.” She eased back in her chair and crossed her legs. “Thanks for the talk. It helps a little more and more every time we meet.”

  “Well, thank you, Miss Hewitt. That’s the goal. Next time we meet we can discuss other options that might help if you’d like.”

  “Other options? Like…” She moved her hands between the two of them as if encouraging him to continue.

  “Well, there’s medication. Like I said, I can set you up with a psychiatrist friend. You’ve witnessed a horrific trauma, and your body and mind will probably take a long time to recover. She was your mother of all people, and to find her like that—” He cleared his throat and squirmed a bit in his seat. “Let’s just say I don’t think it’s something one gets over, but with some time you should be able to cope sufficiently and lead a good life for yourself.”

  “I don’t know about that,” she said in disbelief. “But I’ll think about it?”

  “That’s fair.” Jace looked at his watch. “I hate to cut it short, but I’ve got to head out. We’ll meet again at the same time next week?”

  “It’s not like I have much of a choice. Not that I haven’t appreciated the time you’ve given me or anything.” She sighed. “Sorry, Jace, I could use filters sometimes. I’ll see you next week.”

  Holly hurried out of his office and wondered what the hell was wrong with her. She was angry, yes, but that didn’t give her the right to take it out on the undeserving. She leaned against the wall in the hall and banged the back of her head against it a couple times.

  The bell sounded, signaling it was time to suck it up and get to her next class, so she pushed herself to go, not looking forward to the day ahead. It was just one of those days where time was moving way too slowly, and all she wanted to do was wallow in sorrow and hide from the rest of the world.

  ***

  “Alex dropped these by earlier.” Lauren knocked on her bedroom door and entered with the most beautiful array of colorful tulips she’d ever seen, and her heart skipped a beat. “He told me to give you this as well.” She held out a small envelope and placed the vase of flowers on Holly’s dresser after she took it.

  Holly was rendered speechless. This guy was the absolute sweetest person she’d ever met, literally. She dropped the current box she was packing and wiped the sweat from her brow.

  “Well, are you going to open it?” Her guardian squealed with excitement and clapped her hands together.

  So much for a smidgen of privacy. “I guess so.” She exhaled and carefully ripped the top of the envelope to get the card out while Lauren watched on.

  Holly,

  I’m hoping to erase some of the bad moments by creating a few more good ones. I know this doesn’t make up for anything, but I need to see you again. The other night was both he
aven and hell, and I’m just so glad you’re okay.

  Call me when you get this.

  Alex

  “Well?” Lauren waited impatiently. “What’s it say?”

  “He wants me to call him.” She smiled. “I guess I should go grab the phone, then.” She took the phone from her bedside and dialed.

  “Hey.” She sounded breathless when he answered and bit down on her top lip.

  “Hi yourself.” Was it possible to know when the person on the other end of the phone was smirking? Because Zander seemed like he was doing just that. Maybe it was just his enthusiastic tone. “I’m glad you called.”

  “Like I wouldn’t.” Holly pressed a hand to her belly and winced. The bruise was healing but was still pretty sensitive. “They’re beautiful, thank you.”

  “I remember someone telling me that tulips were one of her favorite flowers, and I wanted to get you something pretty.”

  “They certainly cheered me up at this moment. I don’t know how you do it, but you always seem to get past my defenses. You’re amazing, you know that?”

  “I try.” He chuckled. “But seriously, I hope you don’t have plans tonight because we’re going out, so tell Lauren you won’t be back until late.”

  “Nope, no plans. Any hints on where we might be going?”

  “You’ll have to wait and see. Will you be ready if I pick you up in an hour?”

  “Absolutely.” She watched her foster mom sit on the edge of her bed and get comfortable. “Should I dress a certain way? You know, dressy or casual.”

  “Dress however you want, babe. You’ve got fifty-eight minutes starting now.”

  “Pushy much?” She stifled a giggle.

  “Maybe,” he teased back. “Fifty-seven minutes, Hol.”

  “Okay, okay, I’m going now so I’ll be on time. And Zander…”