Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  “Yeah, I guess.” He rubbed a hand down his face and looked tired.

  “Better be careful there. People are starting to notice the negative vibes coming off you toward me. Your mother just asked if there was something wrong. We might have to spill the baby beans before you’re ready.”

  “I don’t have any vibes,” he growled. “What did you tell her?”

  “That she should ask you. Are you really okay?” Holly sat up and linked their fingers together. He didn’t pull away, so at least that was a good sign.

  “Yeah, it’s been a stressful couple of days, but I’ll be good.”

  “I hope so. Are we going to be okay? I don’t understand what’s going through your head. We’re having another baby, Zander. You were so happy with the other two. It’s not the end of the world.” She kept her voice down so the others wouldn’t hear.

  “I just figured we’d be done after two. You caught me off guard, and I worry money will be tight.” He looked around nervously, as if afraid to be overheard, and surprised her with a kiss. “We’ll figure it out, but can we talk about this later?”

  “Sure, as long as you guarantee we will eventually.”

  “You’re the best.” He nodded, and for the rest of the day the tension between them eased a little.

  ***

  It was good while it lasted, but now she was hurt. Weeks had gone by, and they were somewhat good. Zander seemed much better, and everything was starting to get back to normal again at home. Or so she’d thought. There was still no baby talk, other than to let him know about this ultrasound appointment, but he was a no-show.

  Nolan slept in the stroller beside her, the lights were dim, and what’s-her-face, the technician, took pictures and did her thing. Holly lay there looking at her little peanut on screen and let the tears flow. He was such an itty-bitty little thing. It was early yet, but she assumed it was probably another boy.

  “Everything looks good. I’d say ten weeks with an estimated April 21 due date. Would you like a couple of pictures?”

  “Y-yes, please.” She tried to smile but failed miserably at it. It only took another minute or so to take the pictures, and she was able to clean herself up and safely tuck them inside her purse.

  ***

  Later that night, she became angry and was determined to sort this shit out. Enough was enough. He had a problem. Well, she was going to solve it. He may not like the outcome, though.

  “Can you wipe his face and hands for me, please?”

  Ashton sat quietly in the other room watching Ben 10 on TV, and Nolan was in the highchair looking a little orange from the mushy carrots he’d just eaten. She started the dishes, and Zander sat down in front of their little one to wipe him up.

  The appointment wasn’t mentioned, and thinking about it made her blood boil, so she took it out on the pots and pans she was scrubbing.

  “Hey, scrub any harder and they won’t be any good,” he joked, and she purposely bit her tongue. Now is not the time, Hol. Wait until the kids are in bed and then give it to him good. Hell, he’d be lucky if she didn’t give him a beat down with the way she was feeling, or at least a smack upside the head.

  “Forget it!” Holly threw the pot back into the water. “I’ll get to it later. Right now I’ll get Ash ready for bed.” She could feel his gaze burning against the back of her head when she walked out of the room but didn’t care.

  “Bad day?” he muttered.

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  An hour later both kids were ready for the night. It’d been a long-ass day, and she couldn’t wait to get it over with.

  “Night, Dad!”

  Zander picked up their oldest and gave him a big hug. “Night, dude, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  She handed Nolan over for his good-night hug. “I forgot something. Would you give me a minute?” Without waiting for a reply, she jogged to the next room while he and the kids waited.

  “What’s this?” He unfolded the glossy paper she tossed toward him a minute later, and she could see that recognition hit.

  “Thought you might like to see your baby’s first pictures since you missed the appointment.” She narrowed her eyes and left to settle the boys. The plan was to let him stew for a bit, and then it was time to get it all out in the open.

  ***

  The dishes were done, and Zander was sitting on the couch twisting the pictures this way and that to get a better look when she got back out.

  “Here, give me that.” She swiped the pictures and pointed everything out. “It’s early yet, but here’s his head and arms, the legs over here, and the body…”

  “It looks weird.” He squinted.

  “He looks like a peanut right now, perfectly normal for ten weeks.”

  “He?” Zander smirked.

  “I’m surrounded with so much testosterone, I figure odds are it’ll probably be another boy,” she explained and put the two pictures on the coffee table beside them. “We need to talk, because I am getting sick and tired of it. You’re missing the important appointments, you’re distant, and when we do talk, it’s about anything but this baby. What’s wrong with you? This is supposed to be a happy time, and I want to share it with people, especially you. God, Alex!”

  “What did you call me?” He sounded aghast. “You never call me that. Everyone else does.”

  “Then you should know how serious this is, Alexander!” She got up to pace and then stopped to glare with one hand on her hip. “Do you want to me to leave? ’Cause if I have to, I will. I don’t want to, but I’ll take the kids and do it on my own if that’s what you want.”

  “Like hell you will.” He closed the distance between them and got choked up. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m an idiot.” His fingers brushed across her hair and moved it away from her face. “I don’t want you to go anywhere.”

  “Then this has to stop. What’s going on with you?”

  “I don’t know.” He deflated and pulled her into a hug. When he leaned back he slid to his knees and lifted her shirt to place a kiss where the baby nestled. “Give me another chance? I’ll make this right. We’ll tell everyone, and I won’t miss another anything. I love you, Hol.”

  After almost thirteen years together, she figured he’d earned an asshole moment or two, so they worked it out. She didn’t doubt that she’d had her bitchy moments during that time, and he’d stuck by her through thick and thin anyway.

  She loved him, period, and he did stick to his word. That very weekend they announced their news to the entire family at their nephew’s birthday party. It turned out Jasper and his wife were also expecting their first child. Skye and Richard were ecstatic with the news. They loved being grandparents. Most importantly, she could tell Zander already regretted his actions. The Zander she’d fallen in love with was back. He was attentive, a great father to their boys, and completely devoted to making their life a happy one.

  ***

  April 2008

  “Slow down, would you? I can’t walk that fast.” Her back ached, the pressure was insane, and she hurt pretty badly. The contractions were so close.

  “Do you need some help?” Zander ran back to give her a hand. “Here, lean on me.” He draped her arm around his back so he could help relieve some of her weight.

  She’d gone from nothing to full-blown labor only about an hour ago, but since Nolan had come so fast, her OB-GYN had warned that this time could possibly be over much quicker than the last and advised her to come to the hospital as soon as possible.

  Skye and Richard watched the boys this time.

  It felt like forever to get to triage again, but they managed with slow steps.

  “Can I help you?” A nurse came to meet them in the hall and got her to sit down.

  “Yep, I’m about to have this baby.” Holly breathed deeply. “Honey, my health card is in the right pocket of my bag.”

  “Hold on a minute. Let’s get you into a room over here and see if this labor is the real thing first.”
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  “Oh, it is.” Bless her husband for answering for her. He knew the signs; it was their third time. They were practically pros now.

  “Okay, lie up here.” The nurse tapped the bed and hooked Holly up to the machine to read her contractions and to the other one that monitored the fetal heart rate. “When did your labor start?”

  “About an hour ago, maybe a little more.”

  “Then what the heck are you doing here already?” She laughed.

  “Dr. Henderson told me to come as soon as possible. My babies like to make a quick appearance,” Holly explained.

  Five minutes later she was asked to strip and put on the gown they’d given her and was finally checked.

  “Do you think I have time to move the car? I’m at the meter and should probably move to the paid parking lot,” Zander said. He needed assurance because she could tell he was afraid to miss something and would chance the parking ticket if he had too.

  “Oh yeah, we haven’t even had time to move her to a birthing room yet.” Holly grimaced as the doctor answered, because at the same time her finger slid inside her hoo-ha to check how far along she was. “You’re eight and a half. Meh, maybe nine centimeters right now, but your water hasn’t broken yet.”

  “Okay, I’ll make it quick.” He gave her a fast kiss on the cheek and jogged out of the triage room.

  Oh, shit! Not again. It happened maybe thirty seconds after he left.

  “My water just broke!” She panicked for a minute. There were no drugs this time, either, and the memory of natural labor and living it were completely different. Ooh, the things you forget.

  “Okay.” The doctor had just finished taking off her gloves and turned to get a new pair on.

  “Okay—okay? Are you kidding me? The baby is coming out now and my husband just left!”

  They called for help and had somebody go find Zander for her. She didn’t want to push because she was afraid he’d miss everything, but their child had other plans.

  “Mrs. Harrison, I’m going to need you to give me a great big push on the next contraction. We can’t wait anymore.” Everyone in the room was now prepared for the delivery, all but her, because her husband was still missing in action. Suck it up, buttercup. Do you want to prolong this or get it over with? The answer was pretty easy. She started pushing.

  “Eeee!” The veins in her neck popped out and her face felt hot while she pushed hard. With every exhale, her gaze landed on the empty doorway, but she couldn’t look long because within seconds another one would come and she’d have to push some more. It was exhausting.

  “What’d I miss?” He finally ran into the room while she was in midpush and came to her side.

  “Damn, Hol, the forehead is already out, and this one is a bald baby. There is barely any hair there at all.” He chuckled. “You’re doing it, babe.” He looked back and forth between her face and her crotch when he spoke, looking every bit like the proud father he was.

  So much for the heartburn myth. “Thank God, you didn’t miss it.” She breathed, and had to push one last time before it was over.

  “Is it another boy?” She was curious. With this one they hadn’t been able to find out. Nobody had checked yet, either, because Zander was busy cutting the umbilical cord.

  “It’s a…” The doctor lifted the baby’s leg. “Girl. Congratulations!”

  “Wow.” She laughed. “You gave me a daughter.”

  “So much for that football team,” he teased and moved out of the way a little so they could place her back on Holly’s chest after cleaning her up. “She’s gorgeous, babe.”

  “I’m still in awe here. A girl. What are we going to name her?”

  “Whatever you like.” The baby grasped his finger, and he completely melted. “Oh, I hope she turns out to be a daddy’s girl. Look at her. She loves me already.”

  “Of course she does. How about Melina Emma Harrison, after my mom?”

  He nodded. “Hi, Melina. Daddy’s going to love, and spoil, you like crazy.” He looked toward his loving wife, and she could see the truth behind his words. “She’s the only girl, and the baby, but you know what the icing on the cake is?”

  “No.” She leaned down to kiss her daughter. “What?”

  “She has two older brothers to watch out for her.” He smiled, and her heart swelled again with ever-expanding love and joy.

  The next morning he brought the two boys in to meet their baby sister. All Nolan wanted was Mommy, and of course Melina already had her dad wrapped around her tiny little finger. He held the baby for a minute, but Ashton was too excited and wanted to hold her too. He nestled beside Holly on the bed and was handed the tiny bundle. After making sure her head was properly supported, Zander stepped back to take a picture of the four of them to capture the moment.

  “I changed my mind. I’m glad it’s a sister this time.” Her oldest leaned down to kiss her. “Baby brothers can be so annoying sometimes.”

  They laughed, and all she could think of was, Man, time flies by. Ash was almost seven now, Nolan a year and a half, and Melina…She sighed. Their family was now complete, and most of all, the void that used to be her life was almost completely filled up.

  Epilogue

  June 2014

  Dear Mom,

  I used to wonder if hell was still beneath me. It’s been a long, hard road since the time of your death, and I’ve learned to take it day by day and focus on the positive. My hell was a state of mind, and I’d like to think I’ve passed that. Thanks to the amazing people in my life.

  I am the daughter of a pretty amazing woman whose only fault was her choice to fall in love with the wrong type of people.

  It was the curse you had to live with, and one I refused to follow.

  You hear that? I’m breaking free.

  You were a beautiful woman with a heart of gold and paid the ultimate price. In doing so, it made sure your girls never became a statistic.

  I am the woman I am today because of the things I’ve experienced, and I don’t know whether to be upset with you and Dad for it or to thank you, as strange as that sounds.

  I know I don’t want to be caught in the shadow of mistakes I made, because I’m done falling. I once lost everything, and I’m breaking past the walls I hit along the way.

  Life is what you make of it, and I’m almost done picking up the pieces of me I left behind.

  I’m not stupid enough to say I’ll ever be completely whole again, because truthfully, the shit I saw and experienced is haunting. The difference is I won’t allow it to consume me anymore. I live a good life now, with a loving husband and three amazing children. You would have loved them very much.

  You have seven, by the way. Grandchildren, I mean. Chrystal has four beauties of her own. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact through the years, but the last I heard she was pretty happy, and I hope that’s true, wherever she is.

  Everything I’ve written here is my last tribute to you. I hope you get my intent because I’ve got to forgive myself and finally let you go.

  Okay, wow, I think those are the hardest words I’ve ever said or written, and I’m literally crying as I sit here. You’re my mother, damn it. I think it’s about time, though. Don’t you?

  I’ll fight to keep your memory alive and in my heart for the rest of my days. But we’ve all moved on, and I know that’s what you would have wanted anyway.

  I still have nightmares every now and again when my fears shine through, and I get the flash of images of that night and how you last looked, but you’ll be glad to know they’re much less frequent than they used to be.

  I’m finally at the point where the damage done doesn’t consume my life any more.

  I hope you’ve finally found peace up there and know how much you are loved. I’ve lived more of my life without you than I had with you, and that’s the saddest part of all. But life is one big curve ball of learning experiences, and God thought I was tough enough to handle a lot on my own, I guess.

  I tr
ied my best to keep my promise to you after all of this time, and I hope you really are proud of the woman I’ve become.

  I love you so much!

  So, with that being said, I guess there’s only one thing left to say. It’s the one thing I was deprived of so many years ago and that’s…

  Good-bye for now.

  You’ll always be in my heart.

  Until we meet again,

  XOXO

  Holly

  ***

  The radio played softly in the background while she sat at her desk to finish typing her words. Zander had taken the duty of putting the kids to bed to give her this time, and she sat there doing an ugly cry.

  “Hey.” His fingers rubbed her shoulders, and he gave her a moment to compose herself. “May I?”

  He pointed to the screen to ask if he could read it, so she nodded and got up to take a tissue.

  “This is beautiful, Hol,” he said when he’d finished.

  “Thanks!” She laughed without humor, but at the same time felt a weight lift from her shoulders. It was done, over. The last letter that had taken her years to finish, and she’d done it. Holly had finally got to give her good-bye. The words were extremely hard to get out, but also so healing to be free of.

  She felt so exposed after baring it all, but her husband being the great man he was did the unexpected again to turn that frown upside down.

  “Dance with me?” He turned up the radio when a slow ballad came on and approached, holding out his hands for her to join him.

  “You’re crazy.” She smiled, touched. “But also sweet, amazing, and so good for a girl’s ego.” Zander was like magic, because no matter what, he’d always known how to bring her back to life right from the start.

  “Well, when you have a wonderful woman like I do, it’s all worth it.” He twirled her out and back again, holding her close when her back was to his front. He kissed the back of her neck and twirled her one last time so they faced each other again. The moment his strong arms wrapped around her again, she knew he’d catch her if she fell and would a million times over.