Wine & Whiskey: Everything for You (Surviving Absolution Book 2)

by Nikki Belaire

  Evan.

  Dr. Patterson has no idea the bomb she lights with her words. The heartbreak she’ll have to mend for Nick. She can barely push out her response. “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetness.”

  Her shoulders droop at Nick’s soft voice against her neck. She can’t ease his pain. Not this time. Not anymore.

  The screen blackens before a selfie of her and Carrie laughing pops up. The night after they ran their first half-marathon and Carrie talked her into easing their soreness with margaritas. Carrie’s always there for her. Always been there when she needed her. The only one who understands without needing anything in return. Who doesn’t expect her to be perfect. Yes, that’s who can help her.

  “It’s okay. I’m fine.” She turns around, her heaving chest giving away her devastation. But she ignores it. Just push through. Just get to the garage. She waves him away as he steps toward her. The burning in her throat steals her breath, and she can only whisper, “But I need to go. I’ll come back, I swear. I just have to go.”

  “Shae, wait. What are you doing?”

  The tears won’t stop if she talks to him. She shakes her head and runs down the deck. With trembling hands, she shoves open the door, ignoring him calling behind her through the throbbing in her head. Past the blankets piled on the sofa in the living room and Marta staring wide eyed at her as she races through the kitchen. Just make it through one more door, and she won’t have to be strong anymore.

  The sob finally breaks free at the defeat of her plan. All her rushing worthless when only the Jeep sits in the garage. She can’t escape.

  Nick grips her shoulders and holds her against him. “Don’t do this.” His voice cracks in her ear. “Don’t leave.”

  “Where’s my car?” She shoves his arms away and spins around. Her only goal to break free from the pressure threatening to explode inside her. “Please just tell me what you did with my car.”

  He swallows hard, his face pale, eyes blazing with worry. “It was damaged from Carter. I was getting you a new one. It was going to be a surprise.”

  The grip around her neck tightens, and she bends over, trying to suck in air. Her hands grasp her knees as the floor spins toward her. He’s loving and protective and generous, but too much. More than she can take. More than she can help. She doesn’t have the strength to hold together their crumbling world all by herself any more.

  Chapter Five

  “I need…”

  Shae’s chest heaves up and down, the words lost in her gasps for air, bouncing across the almost empty garage. Nick slides his hands around her shoulders as she wobbles, keeping her from collapsing onto the concrete. Blank, blue eyes dart erratically, an empty expression darkening her beautiful face. Her hands flap and claw at her shirt, pulling it away from her neck as if it’s too tight.

  Dr. Callahan’s warning flashes in his mind—”Her anxiety and fear levels are high…any more trauma could force her beyond her limits.” Black spots dance in front of his eyes from the relentless pounding in his head and heart. He’s got to bring her back. Rescue her from the terror engulfing her body, from the panic trying to smother the spark that lights both of their lives. If she tumbles over the edge, his world will plummet right along with her. “It’s okay, sweetness. Everything’s going to be all right.”

  She winces and flails backwards, breaking his grip on her arms. “Carrie.”

  Whatever she needs, it’s hers. He’ll give it to her, even if he gets pushed aside. Even if he doesn’t understand why, after all the challenges they’ve conquered, her instinct to run returns. Why she seeks comfort from someone other than him, when what they both love more than themselves has been ripped away from them. “Okay. I’ll take you to her. But not like this. You’ve got to calm down. Try and take a deep breath.”

  Her head shakes as she trembles. “Don’t…be…mad.”

  His stomach twists at her request. How can she think he would ever be angry with her? He cups her face, trying to meet her unfocused eyes, reminding her of the real emotion she generates in him. “I’m not. I just want to help you.”

  “Tried…to be strong…” Wheezing mingles with her words, forcing them out in spurts. “Can’t…take you…freaking out…anymore.” He catches her as her legs buckle and lowers her to the ground. Kneeling together on the coarse floor, she rubs up and down against him, her panting breaths hot on his neck. “Too much…Juan…Carter…gun to my head.”

  Shards of guilt blast through his body as his chest explodes. In the middle of her worst heartache, she shatters under the intensity of living in his fucked up world. The strain too much for her to cope with, the pressure of her sheltered life invaded by the chaos of his. His sweet angel, who always brings him back from the brink, who always soothes him when the fury descends. Forcing herself to create a façade to keep him going when all along she’s been shielding him from her own fears. And now, she’s finally exhausted all her strength to pretend any more.

  “I promise no one’s going to hurt you ever again.” He lifts her hand and kisses it before pressing it over her mouth. “Breathe through your nose. It’ll make you stop hyperventilating.”

  Her eyes lock with his as he covers her fingers with one hand while the other tightens around her shoulders, trying to slow her involuntary shudders. Searching her face for any signs of fear, he fights against the disgust crawling up his throat of holding her down, of putting his hand over her mouth, to help stop her panic attack. “That’s right. Trust me. You know I would never hurt you.”

  The heaving begins to subside with shallow breaths warming his skin. Her body softens under his grip, and he draws her tighter against him. “I love you. I’m going to take care of you and get you the help you need to feel better. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  Tears shine in her eyes, but her gaze never wavers from his. “Don’t cry. You’re doing great.” He tilts forward and kisses her forehead. “We’re going to get through this. No more freaking out or running away. Just you and me, together.”

  With slow, even breaths, she nods at him. Her cheeks lift into a small smile under their coupled hands. His racing pulse slows at her grin, and he uncurls his fingers. Relief washes over him like a waterfall. She’s come back to him. “Better?”

  “Yes.” At the release of his hand, her arms coil around his neck. Sorrow seeps through her whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

  He nuzzles against her hair, the soft scent of flowers comforting him as much as her words. Even at her lowest, she lifts him up. Now, he’ll do the same for her. “Shhhh. You don’t have anything to apologize about.”

  “Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I thought I was fine and then everything came crashing down. I couldn’t catch my breath and all these memories of…” The trembling returns as her words falter. “I’m scared I’m going crazy.”

  He’s terrified too. Out of his mind with worry that if he keeps his promise to do what’s best for her, they will be driven apart. “Don’t be afraid. Your body’s just responding to all of the stress. Tomorrow, I’m taking you to Dr. Meyer so she can help you get through this.”

  “Okay.” Her soft tone drops even lower. “I was worried you were going to flip out over what she said about Evan when all I could think about was our baby.”

  The doubt in her words is a harsh realization of how fucked up she thinks his priorities are. That his anger over that bastard is more important to him than her pain at losing their child. “I don’t give a damn about him. All I care about is you, making sure you’re all right.”

  “I don’t know if I can be. I wanted this baby so much. I already loved him more than I ever imagined.”

  Her cracking voice stabs his heart. She never asks for anything, expects nothing from him or anyone else. Yet, no amount of money or power lets him give her what she needs. “Me too, sweetness.”

  “I had all these plans. I was going to make a nursery next to our room. Paint it white and yellow, maybe with a big, smiling s
un. And take him to the beach and build him a swing set and buy him a dog.”

  The perfect life with the perfect mother. Their baby would have been the luckiest person in the world to be loved by her. Just like he is. “It would’ve been great.”

  “And now, it’s all gone.” She cries against his chest, her small fist gripping his shirt. “None of it can happen. He’s never going to know how much he meant to us. That even though he was a surprise how much we wanted him. How much we loved him.”

  “He knows.” He chokes down the lump burning his throat, blinking back the tears rimming his eyes. The first time he’s cried since he was a kid. Now, as a parent, nothing has ever hurt him more, never made him feel more helpless. “He knows.”

  He rocks her as she sobs, the rough pavement scratching his legs through his linen pants. Matching the guilt shredding his heart from what she’s endured. No explanation required for her need to escape. He’s dreamed of it so many times himself until he met her. She gives him a reprieve from the turmoil by just being with him, and now, he can offer her the same.

  A few, last shaky, breaths blow against his neck before she quiets down. Her grip tightens around him, and he kisses her forehead as they sit in the dim light.

  After a few minutes, he digs in his pocket and pulls out the car keys. Unfurling her curled fingers, he lays them in the palm of her hand. She stares at him, her face scrunched in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  “I know what it feels like to want to get away.” He forces himself to smile before tucking a wayward hair behind her ear. “Do you want to go for a ride?” She stares at him, studying his expression, as if searching for the meaning behind his gesture. “No hidden message, I promise. Everything’s okay.”

  “Just us? No bodyguards or limo?”

  “Yeah, if that’s okay with you.”

  Her small smile melts the fear gripping his heart. This time, they can run together. “I get to drive?”

  “Can you drive a stick?”

  She stands up and offers him her hand. “Kind of.”

  After a few false starts, they make it down the driveway onto the winding road hugging the coastline, flanked by enormous houses between glimpses of empty beach. Strands of hair billow around her face, beautiful even in the darkness. Her hands flex on the steering wheel, her ring catching the headlights of passing cars. A symbol of where they’ve been and where they’re going. They have to make it through this.

  They pass the turn to take them to her neighborhood, continuing down the highway. He stifles the urge to ask where she’s going, giving her control over their journey. And over him. Just like she has from the first moment he saw her.

  Relaxing in her seat, she reaches over and entwines his hand with hers. A small gesture more significant than she can imagine. No words needed between them.

  More than an hour passes before she pulls off the road into an almost empty parking lot. Dancing flames line the perimeter of the outdoor seating area. Even this late past the dinner hour, a few diners linger over their food as two waiters relax by the hostess stand. She kills the ignition and spreads her fingers across her skirt, smoothing out the wrinkled fabric.

  “Even though I was taking a huge risk, I felt so free the night you brought me here. I’d never done anything like that before. Dinner with a man I didn’t know, without bodyguards or approval from Gail to make sure it wasn’t…” Her fingers curl into air quotes as she shakes her head. “‘Detrimental to my career.’ No one had any idea where I was.”

  The crash of the waves, invisible in the darkness, is the only sound around them. So many responses roll through his mind, yet uncertainty smothers them all. Her regret is the only emotion he couldn’t handle right now.

  She curls onto her side, her cheek lying against the seat. “Somehow, even then, I trusted you. I knew you were a good man. Now, we’ve been through so much, and I still feel the same way.”

  Mimicking her position, he turns his face toward hers. Like their long talks in bed, losing themselves in each other and shutting out the rest of the world. His voice returns at her confirmation of their connection. “It was different for me too. I wasn’t thinking of how to get you into my bed.” Her laugh floats across the wind. She knows him too well for him to get away with that bullshit. “Okay, I mean I was. But it was more than that. I knew I wanted more than that with you.”

  “Now, we have it.”

  He curls his fingers over hers as her hand rests on her lap. “Yeah, but I don’t want to lose it.”

  “We won’t. I love you and want to be with you. Even tonight when I was upset, I knew if I left, I would come back.” She lays her other hand on top of his, squeezing his fingers. “But I’m not sure you believed it.”

  Believing and accepting are two very different things. Fear runs like ice through his veins. She never needs him as much as he does her. “I didn’t understand why you wanted to leave. But now I do. My world is too much for you.”

  “Sometimes this life overwhelms me.” She nods at him. “You’re a very strong man to survive it.”

  “I don’t think I can, if you’re not with me.”

  “You’ll never be. If I stop and catch my breath, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. Or us. It just means I need a break. But not from you. I never want to be without you.”

  Only now does he wish for the limo. So he can close the space between them and remind her why he doesn’t want her to leave. Why he needs her so much. “Me neither.”

  The whine of her stomach makes her smile.

  “Are you hungry?”

  Wrinkling her nose, she shrugs her shoulders. “Yes, actually, I am.”

  “Then, let’s go.” He digs in the glove box for his gun before hopping out of the Jeep. Her deep breath accompanies him sliding the Glock into his back waistband and covering it with his shirt. “I still have to protect you.”

  “I know.” She takes his hand, and they walk towards the restaurant, where the final patrons are leaving their tables and the waiters extinguish the tiki torches. “They’re closing.”

  Disappointment tinges her voice. She forgets how stubborn he is. No way he’s giving up that easy. He detours her to the back of the building, and she giggles as his knuckles rap on the metal bar across the screen door. A guy filling salt and pepper shakers looks up and frowns. “No take out.”

  Nick pulls three hundred-dollar bills from his wallet and presses them to the screen. The guy tips his head side to side before giving in. He glances over his shoulder and then opens the door, grabbing the money and stuffing it into his pocket. “What do you want?”

  Nick glances at her and winks. “Four fish tacos.” Soft, cool fingers slide under his shirt and give his side a light squeeze. “Uh, buddy? Can you make it ten?”

  The guy leans his head out and follows the direction of Nick’s earlier look. She gives him a small wave before he looks back at Nick. “That’s Shae Armstrong.”

  “Yeah, I know. She wants food, and lots of it.” Nick shrugs and rolls his eyes. “Divas. What can you do?”

  This pinch actually hurts.

  “Sure, sure.” The guy nods, his wide-eyed expression never wavering. “Give me five minutes.”

  The door bounces against the frame a few times before gliding shut. She stretches on tiptoes and kisses him softly as her hands slide from his waist to his chest. Warmth radiates out from her fingertips to the rest of his body. She’s come back to him, to them. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Her face so full of expectation he presses his forehead to hers. “I forget sometimes how simple things can be. Should be. But I promise to try and remember, if you promise to remind me.”

  “Isn’t that nagging?”

  “I think I can handle it.”

  She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head. “Well, now you’ve done it. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

  He encircles her waist and pulls her to him. The feel of her pressed against him, her quiet breaths, relaxed
body, and arms tight around his neck, generate the serenity only she brings him. “I take full responsibility for my decisions.”

  The throat clearing behind them brings him back to their mission. Their partner in crime pushes out the bag, and Nick rewards him with a duplicate of the earlier bribe. “Thanks. You’ve made my girl very happy.”

  “No problem, man. I threw some waters in there too.”

  They walk hand in hand back to the parking lot. He helps her climb up before striding around to the passenger side. She’s already digging into the sack as he pulls himself up.

  “Do you think ten’s going to be enough? I could go back.”

  She answers with a moan after taking a big bite. “Heaven.”

  Yeah, she is.

  They eat in peaceful silence. The light has returned to her eyes, and a tranquil expression graces her face. She stuffs the last bit of her third taco back into the wrapper and drops it in the bag. “I can’t do it. I’m stuffed.”

  He nods toward the bag. “We did some pretty good damage. Max can eat the leftovers for his midnight snack.”

  “He’ll be mad at us for doing this.”

  “I think he’ll understand. Why do you think he has his motorcycle?”

  She curls her legs under herself as he finishes his food. “What a crazy few days. How’d we go from two children to…?” Her voice fades away, and she looks toward the horizon. The loss settles in after the shock wears off.

  Yet, he refuses to diminish the impact her pregnancy meant to either of them. Their dreams no less real just because they’re lost. “No, don’t say none. Our baby counts, even if we don’t get to see him.”

  She bobs her head and gives him a small smile.

  “I’m making arrangements to buy Jessica a house and take care of them financially. Then, she’ll let us spend time with Emme.”

  With another nod and a shaky sigh, she climbs over the gearshift and sits on his lap, lying against his chest. His whole world wrapped in his arms. “Thank you.”