Wine & Whiskey: Everything for You (Surviving Absolution Book 2)

by Nikki Belaire

“It’s the right thing to do. You helped me see that.” He strokes her hair before kissing the top of her head. “It’s getting late. Are you ready?”

  Love lights her face as she looks up and presses her lips against his. “Yes, let’s go home.”

  Chapter Six

  Shae wraps her arms around her knees, waiting for the judgment to begin, for the confirmation deeming her unstable after her meltdown last night. Although she doesn’t really need a professional to affirm it. She’s seen it happen too many times to know it’s phase one of spinning out of control. Of turning into her mother.

  Butterflies flitter in her stomach as the door opens and a tall, dark-haired woman walks in and smiles. Moisture beads roll down her back, and she fights the urge to run away, flee from the panic racing through her. Certain she won’t be able to hide the truth from the therapist.

  “Hi, Shae. I’m Elizabeth Meyer.”

  After they shake hands, the doctor sits down, smoothing her black skirt under her legs. “From my discussion with Dr. Callahan, I feel like it would be beneficial for us to talk and see how I can help you.” She opens the file in her hand and lays it across her lap. “During my first session with a new patient, I like to find out what your goals are, what you want to achieve through therapy. So, let’s start there. Why are you here today?”

  How can the fear of insanity be described in just a few words, when her only real desire is for verification it’s not true. “I’m not sure how to explain it.”

  Dr. Meyer leans toward her, meeting her gaze. “Did someone force you to come? Are you here against your will?”

  Her thoughts fly to Nick. His talent of persuasion enticed the receptionist into shifting appointments and getting her in first thing this morning. Her agreement and his determination bring her here today. “No.”

  “So, if you came of your own accord, there must be something you want.”

  All night, Nick held her close, murmuring words of comfort, staving off her fears. But, now, sitting on the beige sofa in an elegant, cream and tan office, she can’t deny the doubts plaguing her. “I’m afraid you’re going to say I’m crazy.”

  “That’s not a term I prefer to use.” Dr. Meyer shakes her head. “Regardless, what makes you think I would say that?”

  “I freaked out last night. I couldn’t catch my breath, and all these bad memories flooded my head. I couldn’t make them stop.” The thought of Nick’s gentleness slows her speeding heart. So confident and reassuring, he brought her back from the fear gripping her mind and body. His huge hands holding her close, sharing his strength when her own was gone. “If my fiancé hadn’t helped me, I’m not sure what would have happened.”

  A small blessing her freak out occurred at home rather than in the public eye like other fallen celebrities. Stories of temper tantrums in restaurants and shoe throwing at upscale boutiques light up all the gossip websites and entertainment news shows. The first steps in the process of career suicide, crucifixion in the media. Everyone loves to see a star implode.

  No one living this life ever expects it to be them, buoying themselves with the belief they’re above it and won’t cave to the pressure. Now it’s her, except the strain comes not from her career, but from the world of the man she loves. The man she can’t live without.

  The file slides forward on Dr. Meyer’s lap as she takes notes. The tip of her felt pen gliding across the paper is the only sound in the room before she looks up. “It sounds like a panic attack. A sign your body responded physically as well as mentally to a high level of stress.”

  A calm, rational explanation for an experience that wasn’t. An incident which made her question herself more than she ever has. “Is that normal?”

  “It can be a common reaction to trauma that’s difficult to handle. Do you think that applies in your situation?”

  “Yes.”

  “What do you think triggered the episode last night?”

  The end of something which made her a person beyond just herself. More than a friend, pop star, fiancée, she’s the mother of someone she won’t ever meet. Yet she’s never loved anyone more. She inhales deeply before she can respond, sadness burning her eyes and throat. “I’m pregnant, but the doctor called and said my test results showed the pregnancy isn’t going to progress. I’m going to miscarry.”

  “I’m sorry.” Dr. Meyer uncrosses her legs and leans forward, meeting her gaze with a sympathetic nod. “I’m sure you were devastated to hear that news.”

  Their baby rests inside her, loved and cherished, but not meant to be. The pain of knowing he won’t be with her much longer strangles her heart. “I hadn’t known for very long, but he was already our whole world.”

  “You and…” Dr. Meyer glances at the chart before looking up again. “Nick? How did he take the news?”

  “He was upset too. But at first I was scared he was going to freak out.”

  “Freak out how?”

  She squeezes her legs tighter, resting her chin on her knees. “He’s a very intense man. He…”

  The words fade from her lips, unable to find the right words. Although he shields her from the details of his life to protect her, she knows enough to destroy him. Yet, her heart flip-flops that he trusts her enough to know she never would. An unspoken agreement between them she’ll never break.

  Dr. Meyer taps her pen against her paper and studies her. A hint of suspicion flickers in her face before the mask of impartial professional returns. “You know you’re safe here. And, unless you’re an immediate danger to yourself or someone else, everything you say stays between us. I would never violate patient confidentiality.”

  “He lives in a very dangerous world and worries about keeping me safe.”

  “Are you afraid of him?”

  She smiles and shakes her head. Of all her worries, that isn’t one. “No, he would never hurt me.”

  “Then, why were you scared?”

  The last few months have been a kaleidoscope of emotions from the greatest heartbreak to almost indescribable happiness. Now, she’s caught somewhere in between. Nick sits outside the door, worrying and waiting. No man has ever made her feel more loved. Or overwhelmed by the immense feelings he stirs in her. Yet, not even he can save the tiny joy slipping away from them.

  “The doctor thought my ex-boyfriend was the father of my baby. She mentioned a few things about him I knew would upset Nick. I was so flustered, I thought he would care more about being mad at Evan for what he did, rather than about my miscarriage.”

  “Now that you’ve had some time to reflect on the situation, do you still believe that?”

  “No more freaking out or running away. Just you and me, together.” His words, uttered in fear, yet infused with certainty, are a reminder of their commitment to each other. “No. He only cares about me. And, he’s scared for me, about my…panic attack.”

  “Does he know what happened? The memories that were flooding your mind, as you described it?”

  If it were up to him, he would hide her away from the rest of the world, protecting her from everyone and everything he fears could hurt her. Not realizing her own mind may be the enemy. “Yes. I was threatened a few months ago. Then, his cousin shot him and kidnapped me before killing himself.”

  “That’s why you were in the hospital? Why Dr. Callahan asked me to speak with you?”

  Heat warms her body as a shudder rolls up her spine. Her facade of courage begins to crumble at the direction of the questions. “Yes.”

  “What emotions come to mind when you think about his cousin?”

  Carter. She’d rather think about the surfing teenager than the man who let his jealousy destroy everything that used to mean something to him. Push away the thoughts of her friend turning on her to punish Nick. “Sad. Confused. Helpless. I tried to help him, but he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “Do you think it was your responsibility…?”

  Her voice fades away as the memory of Nick crumpled on her bathroom
floor flashes in her mind.

  Red streaks across the white walls and gray swirl tile.

  Creaking metal from the broken door straining against the bent hinges.

  Pinched skin from his fingers yanking her down the hallway.

  Her lungs full of the salty bitterness of Carter’s sweat, unbearable to breathe.

  She bolts up from the sofa. “I can’t do this.”

  Dr. Meyer tosses the file onto the table and stands across from her. “Look at me. We’re just talking. No one’s going to hurt you. Tell me what you’re remembering, and I promise I will help you get through it.”

  She stares at the door, willing Nick’s presence on the other side to give her strength. Her whisper trembles in her own ears, “He held a gun to my head and forced me to go with him.”

  The doctor’s face fills her view, pushing out all other distractions, giving her something to focus on as she tries to squelch the fear stealing her breath. “Let’s think about this for a minute. Describing the situation, the words shot, kidnapped…” Dr. Meyer touches the tip of each finger, ticking off the list. “Gun, and forced have come out. If this same incident happened to your friend or your sister, would you blame them? Would you question why they didn’t try to stop the person who was hurting them?”

  The calmness of Dr. Meyer’s voice releases some of the tightness in her chest, cutting through the fuzziness with the clarity of realization. “No, of course not.”

  “He betrayed you. You had faith in your relationship with him, and he broke it.”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I thought I could trust him, and I was wrong. It makes me wonder who else can’t really be trusted. I don’t like feeling like that. I don’t want to be jaded or afraid.” She wipes away tears threatening to spill out. “I want to feel like I’m in charge of my own life and not being controlled by other people.”

  Motioning toward the couch, Dr. Meyer takes her own seat, but doesn’t break their gaze. “Who’s controlling you?”

  She sits down, wrapping her arms around one of the throw pillows. The silky fabric is cool on her fingers, a welcome relief from the sting of guilt warming her body from feeling ungrateful and spoiled. “My mom and Evan used to. Now, my manager tries to. I’m ready to make my own decisions, but I’m not sure I can.”

  “Why not?”

  Her fingers trail the trio of buttons lining the edge of the brown square. “I never have before. People won’t like it.”

  “They won’t or you won’t?”

  Always confined by the limits implemented by others, she craves the independence Nick inspires in her, the need to remove the constraints weighing her down. “I guess me. I don’t want to be that person anymore, but I don’t want anyone to be mad at me for changing, for being different than I was before.”

  “If you weren’t worried about what other people thought, what would you do?”

  “Fire my manager. Quit recording and focus on acting. Take an extended honeymoon with Nick and get away from all the craziness for a while.”

  Dr. Meyer smiles and nods toward her hand. “I see the beautiful ring on your finger. There’s a decision you’ve made all by yourself.”

  “Yes.” A smile she can’t repress crosses her lips as she brushes over the stone with her thumb. A reminder of Nick’s love even when he’s not with her. “What should I do about the others?”

  “Only you know what’s best for you. A technique I recommend is to make a list of your goals. Consider all of the pros and cons. Seeing them written out on paper can help crystallize what you want and why.” Rolling her pen between her fingers, the doctor tilts her head as she continues. “Keep in mind, though, you’ve been through a lot. Give yourself some time. Mourn your baby. Then, you’ll be ready to make tough decisions.”

  “Okay.”

  “I know you were anxious earlier, but you seem to have relaxed a bit. Are you feeling better from what we’ve discussed?”

  She hugs the pillow again, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I’m ashamed to say it, because I love her, but I don’t want to be like my mom. She had problems.”

  “With her mental health, you mean?”

  Common knowledge among her friends and Team Shae, her mom was erratic, difficult to work with, prone to unexpected outbursts. The label hinted at, yet no one willing to say the actual word. Unpredictable, over-protective, strict, but never crazy. She nods and takes a deep breath. “I don’t want that to happen to me.”

  “Just like physical ailments, sometimes they can be hereditary. Other times, trauma can trigger emotional distress. Either way, you’ve made a good first step in coming here. I can promise you you’re not…” The physician curls her fingers in air quotes and shakes her head. “‘crazy.’ You’ve identified your concerns, and you’re going to develop a plan to achieve the goals you want for yourself. We can work together to help you overcome your fears and make the changes you want in your life.” She pauses for a minute, glancing through her written notes. “I think that’s enough for today. We’ve covered a lot, and I know you have some things to think about. I would like to see you again next week, okay?”

  A hint of optimism sparks from the absolution of her worry. More grounded than she’s felt in a long time. “Yes, please. I would like that.”

  The doctor strides to an antique writing desk and bends over her tablet, swiping the screen. “I have you scheduled for ten o’clock next Tuesday. We’ll work together to get you where you need to be, so you can trust yourself to make your own decisions.”

  “Thank you.”

  Nick jumps to his feet as soon as Dr. Meyer opens the office door and reaches for her. “All finished?”

  Dr. Meyer gives them a small wave. “I’ll see you next week, Shae.”

  Hand-in-hand they walk to the parking lot, his thumb rubbing against her fingers, reassuring her with his gentle touch. He helps her into the car, and she reaches for him again after he climbs in on the driver’s side. “Thank you for getting my appointment moved up. I like her a lot. She has this great way of making everything seem so clear.”

  His smile contrasts with the worry lines etching his face. “You’re welcome. I’m glad she helped you. All I want is for you to be happy.”

  She smooths her hands across his forehead and down his cheeks, the feel of his skin against hers generating the comfort he always gives her. “I know. I want the same for you.”

  “I am.” His body softens with relief, and she smiles as he kisses her forehead and brushes back her hair from her cheeks. “I have a meeting with the Foundation I can’t miss, but while I’m gone, there’s someone who’s anxious to see you.”

  Happiness courses through her at the suggestion of her best friend. “Carrie?”

  “Yeah, I talked to her while you were in your appointment. She wants you all to herself for a while.” His attempt to feign nonchalance fails from the uncertainty flickering in his wide eyes.

  “I want to see her too, but I know what you guys are up to. You don’t have to take turns babysitting me.”

  “I know. Just humor me. It makes me feel better to have you with her while I’m gone.”

  Shame fills her stomach. He thinks she’s crazy and can’t be left alone. Her arms fall away, and she sinks back into her seat. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me losing it again.”

  “It’s not that.”

  She looks over at him, her heart dropping at the darkness of his expression. “Then what?”

  “What Dr. Patterson said.” He runs his hands over his face, following the trail where hers had been seconds before. “I don’t want you to be alone when the miscarriage happens.”

  Tears prick her eyes as she reaches over the console and pulls him to her. Never again will she doubt his intentions. He proves over and over the immensity of his love, his protective and thoughtful nature more than she can ever understand, but can’t live without. “Thank you for taking care of me. I love yo
u so much.”

  His hand curls around the nape of her neck while the other caresses her back. “I love you too, sweetness.”

  After a few minutes, she forces herself to release him, to lose his comforting touch. “We better get going so you’re not late.”

  As she buckles her seatbelt, he swipes his phone and holds it up to his ear. “We’re about five minutes out. Are the guys in place? All ten? Don’t fuck this up.” Turning to face the window, he lowers his voice, but the hardness still rings through. “She doesn’t leave unless it’s with me or Max. No one else. You got me? No fuck ups like last time.” He drops his cell into the cradle and starts the ignition before taking her hand again.

  She sandwiches his fingers between hers, welcoming the tenderness held between the pinkness mingling with the warm hues of his olive skin. Wishing he was as gentle with himself and his team as he is with her. “You don’t have to be so hard on him. Carter surprised all of us.”

  His gaze never leaves the windshield as he nods. “I know.”

  Carrie stands outside the house, waving to them, a hesitant smile curling on her lips. Unable to wait for Nick to open her door, she hops out and runs to her friend. The welcoming scent of green apple Jolly Ranchers wafts over her as they hug. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Me too.” Carrie’s cheek rubs against her hair as her friend nods. “Hey, Nick.”

  “Hi. It’s good to see you.”

  “You too.” She steps back and grabs Shae’s hand. “Come inside, and we’ll catch up. We need to figure out your outfits for the photo shoot on Friday.”

  “What photo shoot?” Nick’s voice brims with uncertainty behind her.

  Turning back to him, she’s greeted by his hand rubbing across his forehead. “I almost forgot. We’re doing the publicity shots for the AVAs.” She can’t help but smile at his blank look. Her world just as confusing as his. “The American Video Awards. It’s next month. I’m performing and presenting the New Artist Award. We do funny pictures with our co-presenters and other performers to promote the show.” She caresses his cheek, trying to soften the clenching of his jaw. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. You can even come with me if you want.”