Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  ***

  “I want to ask you something,” Rozz says, leaning back against the work table.

  “Yeah?” I ask, looking at him curiously.

  “If something happens to me, would you and Maddie take Fisher?”

  “Don’t talk like that.” I grab a smoke and then toss the pack onto the table.

  “I’m serious, man. I need to know my kid is safe and loved. I know you two love Fisher like he’s yours. I wouldn’t trust anyone else.”

  “Of course, we would take him, but nothing is going to happen to you, man.”

  “River, you know just as I do these men ain’t going to stop. Even if they get their money, they will still be after me to do jobs and shit. I can’t live that kind of life. I’m going to have to stand up to them, and you know that’s going to put me in the ground.”

  “We’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to the boys and see…”

  “No, I don’t want you to be in this. You have a family, man. Don’t get caught up in my mess.”

  “They know you have a kid, Rozz, and I’m sure they know that even though I’m not an active member of the Brothers, my father is. They aren’t going to stop with you. They’ll go after Fisher and me, too.”

  “I’m hoping it doesn’t go down that way,” Rozz says, gripping the table.

  I light my smoke and exhale. “Me, too,” I say. “Because I’m going to have to get dirty to protect what’s mine.”

  Rozz looks to the far wall and doesn't say anything for a minute.

  “I have a safe under my bed,” he finally speaks, and I turn to look at him. “If you don’t hear from me, go to my place. I’ve made you a key.” He pulls it out of his pocket and tosses it and a piece of paper onto the table. “The code to the safe is on there.” He grabs my pack off the table and slides a cigarette out. “I’ve written a letter to Fisher, and I’ve spoken with a lawyer. Just follow the directions on the paper, and you and Maddie will have custody of him. I can’t thank you enough for this, man. I don’t want to leave my kid, but you know how these things work. You grew up around the Brothers.”

  I nod and take a hit of my smoke. He is right about me knowing. I was around my father’s gang up until I was ten, and I remember shit a kid shouldn’t remember. Pops never hid things around me. I think he expected me to live that kind of life, but I know that being a part of all that shit either lands your ass in prison or in a body bag with several counts of murder under your belt. I’ve seen men murdered for less than what Rozz owes. I’ve seen how these clubs work, and none of it is pretty. Landing at Frankie’s was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I know I would miss Maddie if I never met her.

  ***

  I’m strapped up always now that Rozz has disappeared. Fisher knows his dad is mixed up with some bad people, and Maddie is the only one who can calm him down at night. He cries and has nightmares, and I hope all this mess isn’t fucking him up. I’m headed into a bar I know the Brothers hang out at, and I swing the door open to walk inside. It’s smoky as hell in here, and women walk around with hardly anything on while men with too much liquor in them sit around smoking pot and playing poker. Some turn when they see me, while others don’t care. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this person, but it’s not an issue. I slide onto a barstool, waiting for a beer and someone who’s high in rank to sit down beside me. Both happen in a matter of minutes.

  I grab my beer and look at the man to my left, noticing it’s the same man who came to the shop.

  “What are you doing in here, Dawson?”

  “I need to know what’s going down with Rozz,” I say.

  “We got it handled at the moment.”

  “Are you sure about that?” I question. “Because I’ve got his kid, and if those fuckers come anywhere near him or my girl, there’s going to be a problem.”

  “We gave them Rozz and some money to stay away from the kid and your family. If they don’t, then we will go from there.”

  “You gave them Rozz?” I ask like, what the fuck?

  “Don’t question our moves, Dawson. You don’t have a say.”

  “You fucking took away someone’s dad. That kid’s going to be devastated.”

  “That’s not our problem,” he says, standing up. “You need to go.” I clench my jaw and suck on the back of my teeth as I stand. Taking one last sip of my beer, I look the man over in front of me with disgust before I make my way to the door. “You know your Pops is getting out in a few weeks,” he calls after me.

  I turn around. “You tell him hello for me, would ya?” I say with a lift of my chin and narrowed eyes. He gives me a dirty smile.

  “I think it’d be best if you did that,” he says. “The old man will want to see you.”

  “Not my problem.” I throw his words back at him before I walk out.

  ***

  In that safe, I found custody papers. Rozz had signed over his parental rights, giving us full custody of Fisher. It was all done under the table with a lawyer he knew. We haven’t heard anything about him in weeks. I don’t even know if he is dead or alive. The police have come by to question us and question the fact we have his kid, but we told them the truth. He signed over custody to us and disappeared. I’ve also heard Pops has gotten out. I haven’t seen him, but I know it’s only a matter of time before he comes calling for me. I watch Maddie as she tucks Fisher in. The kid is the same age I was when I was taken from my dad. Two different reasons, same association. I want him to go somewhere with his boarding, and maybe Landon will take him under his wing and help him get away from all of this. My girl’s mind has been taken off having a kid, and that stupid mess about me leaving her hasn’t been mentioned again. She doesn’t get it. The love I have for her doesn’t fade, and I’m never going anywhere. She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear as she turns away from Fisher and walks toward the hallway where I am leaning against the wall. Wearing only one of my old T-shirts and a pair of shorts I know is under it but I can’t see, she has never looked sexier to me.

  “Is he asleep?” I ask as she shuts the door.

  “Maybe.” She shrugs. “He misses his dad. It breaks my heart.” She leans against the other wall.

  “Yeah,” I agree, looking her over. “It’s been a while,” I add as my eyes scan her legs. She bites her bottom lip and looks over my face. I grab her hand and lead us away from the kid’s room. Walking into our room, I shut the door and push her up against it. “Do you have any idea how sexy you are?” I tell her. Her lip lifts a tad, but she isn’t full of herself. She probably doesn’t know. I grab her thigh and lift it around my waist, rolling into her and letting her feel what she does to me. “I’d give you anything.”

  “All I want is you.” She closes her eyes when I hit her in the right spot. I need her. I grab her by the waist and lift. She wraps her legs around me, bringing her lips down to mine, kissing my mouth and running her hands up the back of my neck. I’ve loved this woman for as long as I can remember. The first time I saw her I knew it. I was a punk kid always looking for trouble, but once I met her, my thoughts shifted. I was still in trouble a lot, but she was always in my head. Her dark hair, the light freckles on her shoulders, the tiny birthmark behind her ear. I kiss it and bite her earlobe as I lay her down onto the bed. Taking my shirt off her, I run my lips over her collarbone as she grabs at my sweats. She takes me in her hand and runs her fingers up and down, giving me chills. I slide her shorts down, and she puts me where I always wanna be. I sink in, and she closes her mouth to stay quiet. Her love could bring a man to his knees, and her lips could make you forget any others. Her laugh is infectious, and I hear it when I flip her over and let her take control. She’s riding high only on me these days, but I remember a time when she had two habits. I’m glad one of them is finally gone, and I can have all of her. That’s all I want for the rest of my life—all of her.

  “Tell me,” she says as she grabs both of my hands with hers.

  “I love you, B. I’ll love you till I di
e, baby.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Summertime sun shines bright above us as we sit back on the bleachers and watch our boy do his thing. This is his third competition, and the kid is good. I slide my shades on, and my eyes look over to Sarah who has her phone in her hand.

  “Landon will be in tonight,” she says, putting her phone down.

  “You talking to him?” I ask.

  “Yeah.”

  “We should do dinner one night then.” I look back at the park and watch Fisher jump up onto a rail. He lands perfectly, but then loses his balance and falls. “Is he hurt?” I ask River as I stand up.

  “No, B. Sit down. You don’t want to embarrass him,” he says.

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not going to embarrass him. I’m just making sure he isn’t hurt.”

  “He’s going to get hurt. You know that, right?” River looks at me.

  “Well, yeah, I know he will eventually, but it doesn’t make me any less concerned when he falls.”

  River smiles at me and kisses my hair. “I love how you love him,” he whispers into my ear as he pulls me to his side.

  “I love how you love both of us,” I say.

  ***

  A loud knock on the door wakes me from my nap. I hear footsteps and wonder if River has it. I hear mumbling and sit up, then put my feet down. Running a hand through my hair, I stand up and grab a sweater to cover my wrinkly T-shirt. As I walk to the door, the voices get louder and I see a man in a brown suit and River holding on to the door. The man looks past River at me, making River turnaround to look behind him.

  “Thanks for letting us know,” he turns back to the man and says. The man nods,and River shuts the door. “They found Rozz's body, B.” River looks at me. I cover my mouth, my heart breaking for Fisher.

  “Do they have any answers?” I ask as I walk into the living room to sit down.

  “They said they have nothing, but they probably wouldn't tell us if they did,” he says, sitting beside me and pulling me over to him.

  “How are we going to tell Fisher?” I ask as I look at our reflection in the black TV screen.

  “I don’t know. I have no idea how to do this.”

  ***

  With a light knock on Fisher’s door, I step inside and see him lying on his bed. His feet are crossed and a skating magazine is in his hands, covering his face. He moves it and looks at me.

  “Hey, buddy.”

  “Hey,” he says, putting the magazine down and sitting up. I swallow and walk all the way in, glancing back to see River standing in the doorway. Telling a boy his father is dead is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, but knowing River is behind me helps.

  “I don’t have good news,” I say.

  “What’s wrong? Is it my dad?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is he okay? When will I see him again?”

  “Fisher, your dad…he…” I can’t get the words out. I look back at River, and a slow panic rises in my chest. I don’t know how to do this slowly, so I just come out with it. “Your dad passed away, baby.” The look on his face shatters my heart, and I jump back when he throws his magazine across the room.

  “No!” he screams. “No, no no!” he yells louder and starts picking up things, slinging them into his walls. The kid throws a fit, and River hurries in and grabs him. His whole body shakes from the sobs coming out of Fisher’s chest, and I have to leave the room as River takes over. He holds on to Fisher as he bawls, and I slide down the wall in the hallway and do the same––I cry. I weep for a kid who lost his dad too soon. I cry for the teenager who will want his dad so bad sometimes that he’ll cry himself to sleep. I cry for the adult who will need his dad’s advice and not be able to get it. I cry for Fisher, and I cry for myself, because to this day I still miss my daddy so much, and I wonder what advice he would give me now, because God knows I need some.

  ***

  Just my family surrounds the black casket a bed of red roses lies on. Fisher cries quiet tears, and I’m not sure what’s worse, the sound of his tears or the silence. Some words are said, and I give him the letter Rozz wrote to him, so he can have it for himself. We still aren’t clear with the details, but they tell us he was beaten to death. I don’t understand that kind of life. I do not get how anyone could do something like that to a man who has children. It makes me sick and so angry. I know what Fisher is going through, so I try to give him his space, because there are no words I can say to help him really. Nothing helps with the heartache of missing a loved one. Nothing but time will make it easier, but even it doesn’t erase the pain. You just learn to live with it.

  ***

  The summer sun fades earlier and earlier, making room for the bright moon and colder weather. Fisher is getting better. We make him talk to us every day, so he doesn’t close up. I’ve also suggested he talk with Ellie, which he did not want to do, so I got some advice from her and try to pass it on to him. He keeps his mind busy with school and skateboarding, and life is getting easier for him. I’m in the kitchen cooking while River sits at the bar telling me jokes from an old book he bought when we were younger.

  “I can’t believe you still have that.” I smile. “And I remember all of these,” I say as I wipe my hands on a dish towel.

  “Remember this one?” he asks. “Why is air like sex?”

  “Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any,” I reply, trying not to smile at the dumb joke.

  “You do remember.” He shows me his River Dawson dimples. “Remember you lied to me about having sex, too?”

  “Now that I don’t remember,” I say, turning away from him. I hear the stool he was sitting on move, and I stir the sauce pot, smiling when I feel his arms wrap around me.

  “Why, oh why, did you lie to me, B?” he asks playfully.

  “I never lied. I said it was none of your business, and that’s because it wasn't,” I say, turning around to face him.

  “So you do remember, and you know anything that has to do with you is my business.”

  “Okay, so I told a lie,” I admit, but I told a lot of lies to him back then. “You used to pick on me about everything. I didn’t want to hear your mouth about me being a virgin.”

  “You are so clueless when it comes to my feelings for you. I wanted to hear you were a virgin. The thought of you letting anyone but me have that pissed me off.”

  “Made you mad, huh?” I ask, teasing.

  “Very,” he replies.

  “Like raging mad or bend me over this table mad?” I try not to smile when I say those words. His eyes narrow.

  “Both.” He licks his bottom lip. “I wanted to fuck you right then and show you who you belonged to.”

  “Show me now,” I say, running my hand down his chest. He looks down as my hand goes lower.

  “What’s for supper?” We hear, and I quickly move my hand away. River smiles big, and I slap his chest.

  “Eww, were you two about to have sex?” Fisher asks.

  “What the hell do you know about sex, boy?” River says, turning around to face him.

  “Just that two people are all over each other and they get naked.” He sits down.

  I laugh. “Well, no one is getting naked,” I reply. “And stop listening to your friends. They are clueless.”

  River walks by me and whispers into my ear, “You will be getting naked later.” I fold my lips in and shake my head. I hear a knock on the door, and Fisher jumps down from the stool. “Hold up,” River says as he follows him. He thinks I don’t notice how jumpy he is, like he is waiting for something to happen. I know his father is out of prison. Landon told me a few weeks ago, and I hate it. I don’t want River to have anything to do with that man. He has never done anything good for River. I turn when I hear Landon talking, and I see Sarah’s smiling face.

  “Spaghetti again?” she asks as she walks over to the pot.

  “You know it’s River and Fisher’s favorite,” I tell her.

  “Yes.” S
he pauses. “Where’s the wine?”

  “You know where the wine is,” I say, walking over to the cabinet to grab two glasses. The boys are in the living room talking sports, and I see my TV has been changed from the cooking show I was watching to a Bruce Willis movie. “Grab two beers out of the fridge. I’ll take them to the guys.” She hands them to me, and I twist the tops off, tossing them into the trash before I walk into the living room.

  “Hey, brother,” I say and wrap my arm around Landon’s neck from the back of the couch as I hand him a beer.