Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  “Hey, B. Thanks.” He takes the bottle from my hand. I kiss his hair before I walk over to the loveseat and hand River his.

  “No hug for me?” he asks. I roll my eyes and wrap my arm around him like I did Landon. He pulls it, though, and I laugh as I flop down onto his lap. He kisses my lips, not caring that our family is looking. It’s a quick kiss, and he lets me up when he is done. Landon shakes his head, and Fisher makes a gagging noise.

  “Really, gagging?” I ask, walking over to him. I rub his head and then kiss it. He rolls his eyes before he fixes his long hair back. Making my way into the kitchen, I cut the heat down on the sauce and stir the pasta. “So, what’s been going on?” I ask Sarah as I sit down to my glass of wine she has poured.

  “Landon has a surf competition in Hawaii soon,” she says.

  “Oh, I’d love to go. We should all go.”

  “That would be fun,” she replies. “How’s the baby stuff?”

  I shake my head. “Not really thinking about it anymore. I feel like if it’s meant to happen it will. Otherwise, we will just have Fisher, and I think I’m okay with that. What about you two? Any baby plans?”

  “Nah, I’m not the motherly type, and Landon is always busy.”

  “Landon doesn’t want kids?” I ask.

  “He says it’s up to me, but he is fine with just the two of us.”

  “Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone wants children. I didn’t know I did until I got pregnant,” I say, taking a sip from my glass.

  “True. Not everyone is meant to have them.”

  “So,” I say, standing up to drain the pasta, “when we go to Hawaii, is it cool if I wear a fanny pack?”

  “No, B, it’s not cool.”

  “But they make so much sense.”

  “Fisher would probably die from embarrassment. Hell, I would die from embarrassment.” She laughs.

  “I’ll get a pink sparkly one, so I’ll look hip.”

  “What are you two talking about?” River asks as he walks to the trash to toss his beer bottle.

  “Fanny packs,” I say. “We’re going to Hawaii, and I’m going to wear the shit out of one.”

  “You’ll be walking alone, baby.” He laughs.

  “You guys are no fun,” I joke.

  ***

  I’m lying out, soaking up some rays as the waves crash and the birds fly high above us. Fisher is swimming with River and Landon. Sarah is passed out asleep beside me because she started drinking at lunchtime. A book is lying on her stomach, and I see the rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps. Hawaii is the prettiest, and I want to live here. Landon won the competition yesterday, and today is our last day of warm weather before we return to the coldness of Crystal Bay. I look out at the water as my boys swim. Landon has crawled up onto a float while River tosses Fisher into the air. I smile when he comes out of the water and flips his long hair back. Our boy needs a haircut, but it fits him so I’m not going to bring it up. I stare out at my world, and a strong feeling passes through me. I could have missed all of this.

  Life is a peculiar thing. In a way, it’s like the ocean current. It pulls and pushes until you think you’ll drown, and sometimes it’s so strong you want to give up the fight and let it take you under. But then, you see the sun’s rays above the surface. You see hope, and you know there is more. You know you have to fight, because as strong as the current is pulling you down, someone is reaching for your hand. Someone wants you to breathe again, to keep swimming. I’ll always keep swimming as long as River’s hand is the one reaching for me.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  RIVER DAWSON

  Sawdust and music surround me as I finish a piece for a client. I’m ready to get home to my family, but this has to be done. I hear a motorcycle in the distance, and I take my gloves off and run a hand through my recently buzzed hair. The sound grows louder, and I realize it’s more than one. I walk to my office and grab my gun, tucking it into my jeans before I fix my shirt and grab a smoke. I light it and walk back out. It’s quiet when they kill their motors, and I lean back against the table, waiting for them to come through the door. Pops enters first, and I see how prison has aged him. I’ve spoken to him some over the last few years, but it’s been short conversations about nothing important. This man doesn’t mean a whole lot to me.

  “Long time no see, son,” he says, walking on in. He runs a hand over the wood, removing the sawdust.

  “Pops.” I nod, looking back at his crew. “Bringing all of them necessary?” I ask as I take a hit of my smoke.

  “Oh, you know how that goes,” he replies. “Boys, you can wait outside.” A few of them look me over. They are bigger than I am, but I’ll break their fucking necks if I need to.

  “How have you been?” he asks me.

  “Good. You?”

  “Been worse.” He takes a seat and tells me to do the same. I comply and look him over. He’s a big man with a gray beard. His arms are covered like mine, and he’s got a scar across his face from a fight he got into as a younger man. “You know I been out?” he asks.

  “Yup.”

  “And you didn’t come visit?”

  “Nope.”

  “Some of the guys think you don’t have any respect, my boy.”

  I laugh once. “You think I give a fuck what they think?”

  “You should. They’re your family.”

  “You serious?” I ask on a laugh.

  “They had your back in prison. You think you would have survived without them?”

  “I didn’t have any help when I was fighting. They might have been behind me, but I fought on my own. And if I recall correctly, it was because of my association with you that I had to fight in the first place.”

  He nods and grabs the trashcan beside him before he spits his dip into it.

  “Always been a tough guy even when you were a kid.” I don’t respond. “You know, I remember a time you called me for help. Asking me if I could get you a job to make some quick money.”

  “That was a long time ago. I was a dumb kid.”

  “And you’re all grown up now,” he says, looking around my shop.

  “River.” I hear B before I see her walk through the door. I move and walk over to meet her.

  “Go home,” I say. “I’ll be there in a little bit.” She looks around me before she swallows with wide eyes.

  “Don’t hide her, River. Let me meet the girl who’s stolen my boy’s heart.”

  I sigh and grab her hand as I tell him, “Pops, this is Maddie B.” He stands and reaches his hand out to shake hers. She takes it and gives him a firm handshake.

  “She’s pretty,” Pops says. “And she has a firm handshake, too.”

  “You can speak to me when you say that,” she says, and I shake my head,trying not to smile. I’m going to marry this fucking girl. “Thank you for the compliment,” she finishes. “River, I’ll see you at home.” She kisses me and walks out.

  “You let her talk like that?” Pops asks me once B is out of sight.

  “You think you could stop her?” I say. He laughs.

  “Boy, she wouldn’t talk at all if she was mine.”

  “Are you looking for some sort of relationship here?” I ask with narrowed eyes.

  “Be nice,” he responds.

  “Keep her out of it then.”

  He holds up his hands in a backing-off manner. “I’m okay with that.”

  “I’ve got to get home,” I say. “Anything else you want to talk about?”

  He sighs. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here. Why don’t you two come to dinner sometime at the clubhouse? We can start over.”

  “I don’t want her around any of that.”

  “Fine. We can do it somewhere else.”

  “I’ll get back to you,” I say.

  He nods “Fair enough, kid. I'll see you around.” He heads back out the door, and I walk over to lock it. Grabbing my keys, I head to the front and close up before I head home.

  *
**

  I’ve got Maddie in my arms as we lie in bed watching TV. Fisher is fast asleep, and this girl smells like heaven.

  “My dad wants us to have dinner with him,” I tell her.

  “Is that something you want to do?” she asks.

  “Maybe one day,” I say quietly as I pull her closer and kiss her neck. “Tell me.”

  “I love you,” she replies. I move her so she is under me and spread her legs with my body.

  “How much?” I ask as I push into her. She wiggles beneath me.

  “More than there are stars in the sky,” she breathes, as my hand travels down. I slip my fingers inside her, and sweet love moans when I curl them. She grabs my arms and closes her eyes. I kiss her mouth and pull her bottom lip with my teeth. “I want you,” she says.

  “Have me then,” I reply as I remove my fingers. She opens her eyes and looks at me. “Have me forever, B.” She doesn’t respond, but I see confusion as it crosses her face. I move off her and reach into the pocket of my sweats. I look over at her. Her face is slightly flushed, her chestnut eyes are narrowed, and her bottom lip is being chewed. “Marry me,” I say softly. I grab her hand and slide the ring onto her finger. She lifts her hand and looks at the ring. Her eyes fill with tears, and I pray those are happy ones.

  “Is this for real?” she asks, looking back at me. A small wrinkle is between her eyes, her short hair is pulled halfway up, and she wears my T-shirt. She’s so damn pretty, and I smile.

  “It’s for real.”

  She grins and looks back at her hand before she throws me off and grabs me, making me fall back onto the mattress. She kisses me hard, and I hear her laugh in her chest before it comes out of her mouth and onto my lips. The taste of B’s laugh should be bottled up and kept forever. She pulls back and smiles.

  “Is that a yes?” I ask.

  “Yes!” she shrieks. “I’ve wanted to marry you since you held my hand and told me you’d run away with me.”

  “That long, huh?” I say, grinning.

  “That long,” she confirms, and I move her up and finish what I started, showing her how much I love her and telling her over and over how happy we are going to be. “I’m already happy,” she murmurs.

  “I’m going to make sure you stay that way. I promise.” I mean those words more than I’ve ever meant anything. I know she is messed up. I know she has to fight to stay clean, and she does it for me, for Fisher. As long as she is willing to fight, I’ll fight with her. Every minute of every day. She won’t be alone in this as long as I’m alive.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  The kid and I are posted up at the kitchen island, chowing down on some cereal. He flips through a skateboarding magazine while I look at wedding gowns on my tablet.

  “So, you and River are getting married?” Fisher asks, looking over my shoulder at the dresses.

  “Yep,” I say.

  “You’re going to wear one of those?”

  “Yes, Fisher.”

  “Won’t you be hot in all of that?”

  “Probably,” I say before I fill my mouth with cereal.

  “Was my dad married?”

  “No, baby, I don’t think he ever got married.”

  “Did you know my mom?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Do I have any family?” he asks. My heart melts as I turn toward him, looking him in his sweet face.

  “Fisher, you listen to me. Family doesn’t always have to be blood. Look at Landon, River, and me. Family is sticking by each other no matter what. It’s showing you care even when it’s hard to. I am your family. River is your family, and Landon and Sarah are your family. Don’t you ever forget that, okay?”

  “But most kids have grandparents and cousins and stuff.”

  “I don’t have any of that. Not everyone is the same, baby. Difference is what makes the world more interesting.”

  He looks back at his bowl of cereal and sighs. “I miss my dad so much that sometimes it’s like I have a stomachache.”

  “I know how you feel. I lost both of my parents when I was a little younger than you.”

  “You did?” he asks.

  “Yes, and I loved them so much. But you know when I get sad, I try to think of the good times we had together, and I think about how lucky I am that I’ve got two families. I had my parents, and then I had Frankie, River, and Landon. And now I have you and Sarah.”

  “I’m glad that I know you, Maddie.”

  I smile. “I’m so glad that I know you, Fisher.” He grabs his spoon and continues to eat his cereal while I tell myself not to cry because this kid breaks my freaking heart.

  ***

  I toss the tablet to the end of the bed. “I don’t want to have a wedding!” I yell to River who is in the bathroom shaving. He peeks his head around the corner.

  “Okay,” he says.

  “Okay?” I ask.

  “Whatever you want, B,” he says, going back to his shaving.

  “It’s too much damn trouble, and I’m already sick of it. Let’s just go to the courthouse and get it done.”

  “Whatever you want!” he yells back. I get up and walk into the bathroom. I put my hand on the doorframe as I watch him. His eyes cut to me in the mirror.

  “Can I do that?” I ask. He smiles and hands me the razor. “Sit,” I say. He does, and I lightly run the razor over his face. He watches me concentrate, and my mind goes back to old-time memories and unsure feelings. “You let me do this one time before,” I say as I rinse the razor off.

  “I know,” he replies. “You did a good job.”

  “I know. I think I do better than you,” I tease.

  “You can do it anytime you want, B,” he says, and I see his eyes looking down. I look down, too, and can see straight down my shirt.

  “River,” I say. He grabs my hand and takes the razor out of it. I’m unsure of what he is doing until he puts it down and quickly kisses me. Shaving cream comes off him, getting all over my face. “You’re getting it all over me!” He laughs and stands up, lifting me in the process. He runs us to the bed and pins me down, rubbing his face all over mine. “Stop!” I laugh, and he tickles me in the ribs. “Oh my God!” I try with everything in me to get away from him. He tickles harder, and I think I’m going to die. “I can’t breathe,” I say. Somehow I get out from under him and stand on the bed after I grab a pillow. I hit him with it as I jump up and down. He grabs one, too, and hits me on the legs.

  “What are you guys doing?” Fisher asks as he looks at us like we are crazy.

  “Pillow fight!” I yell, tossing him a pillow of his own. He catches it just as it hits him in the face, and I laugh. He smiles and runs to the bed, jumping up on it, too. He whacks me good, and we all three jump around like crazy kids. I flop down and land on my back, out of breath and about to pass out. “I’m getting too old for this,” I say as River lies down, too. Fisher does the same, and we three just lie there, panting.

  “That was fun,” Fisher says.

  “It was.” I laugh. River grabs my hand in his, and we smile at each other, hoping we made a good memory for the kid who’s sad sometimes.

  ***

  “So, how have things been going?” Ellie asks me as I sit across the table from her at the restaurant.

  “Good,” I reply. “Fisher is coming around more so every day.”

  “That’s great to hear.” She takes a sip of her wine.

  “Yeah,” I agree. “He asked me if he had any family the other day. Nearly broke my heart.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “I told him family isn’t always blood. That I’m his family and so are River, Landon, and Sarah.”

  “That’s a good answer, and it’s true.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “How are you doing with the baby making?”

  “We have just decided to let it go. If it happens, then it happens. I’m not going to stress over it.”

  “That’s good. Sometimes, we just have to leave thi
ngs to chance,” she says, taking a bite of her food.

  “You’re exactly right,” I say, looking down at my glass. “I feel like my life has turned out pretty good, you know? I’ve had so many ups and downs it could give a person whiplash, but I’ve pressed forward and kept going. There was a time I thought drugs would take me down. I thought I wouldn’t be able to live a normal life because I needed to feel numb. But I was missing out. I think in life you have to take the good with the bad. You have to have the rough times so you can appreciate when things are smooth.” As I finish talking, I’m still looking at the wine glass and lightly twisting the bottom against the tablecloth.