The Hockey Player's Heart

by Will Knauss

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….” The boy started to withdraw the paper when Caleb did nothing but stare at it. “I shouldn’t have.”

  “It’s okay.” Caleb’s voice came out a bit strangled, so he cleared his throat. He handed his food to Dimitri before taking the picture from the boy “Of course I’ll sign it. Do you have a pen?”

  “Sure.” The boy brightened, and that helped Caleb regain his composure. He handed over a black Sharpie. “It was cool to see this picture. I’m… I’m gay.” The boy dropped his voice to a whisper. “And I play. I know you are, and he is too.” He gestured at Dimitri. “But I don’t tell anyone. My team is always talking crap and saying… well, you know. But seeing a picture of you kissing this guy, it means it’s possible to play and have a boyfriend. It was just…. Sorry, I’m totally babbling.”

  Caleb signed his name and handed the paper and the pen back. He didn’t correct the young man that he and Aaron weren’t together. “Can you be out to anyone?”

  More of Caleb’s teammates passed them as they talked, but they didn’t stop.

  “My parents know and they’re cool, and now you two. I can’t do it at school with my friends or the team. I see how the few out guys at school are treated—not bullied, exactly, but shunned, made fun of. I don’t think I can do that.”

  “Five minutes, guys.” One of the equipment managers gave them a time check as more of the team left the arena.

  Caleb thought fast, not really sure he was about to suggest the right thing. “Sometimes it just takes one person to stand up and be a leader to make change. How about I come talk to your team sometime? Or maybe your school? I could probably talk someone from the Bruins into joining me so it wouldn’t be some random New York player showing up. Maybe we can make it better together.”

  “You’d do that?” The boy was clearly surprised.

  “I’d be honored to.” Caleb got his wallet from his pants pocket and pulled out a card. “Email my assistant. I’ll tell him we talked and what needs to be done. He’ll help get it coordinated.”

  The boy took the card, turning it over in his hand. “Wow. Thanks.”

  “Thank you. It’s good to meet you….”

  “I’m David Eisenberg.”

  Caleb extended his fist, which David met. Dimitri and David exchanged a fist bump too. “We’ve got to get going. But we’ll be talking.”

  “Thanks, Mr. Carter.”

  “It’s Caleb. You take care, okay?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Caleb turned and waved after they were a few steps away, and David gave an enthusiastic wave back.

  On the bus, Caleb and Dimitri took their usual seats, midway back on the right, with Caleb at the window. He held his food but leaned his head against the glass and closed his eyes. He was happy he could maybe help David and spread the word on tolerance and equality. What kept running through his mind, though, was that Aaron would’ve loved that exchange.

  Dimitri squeezed Caleb’s arm. “I’ll listen whenever you’re ready.”

  It was as if Dimitri read Caleb’s mind.

  Caleb nodded but didn’t move. He worked to keep his emotions in check, not so much for Dimitri, but for the rest of the team. The fact that he’d played so well and yet ached this much for Aaron spoke volumes to him about how important he had become.

  “We’ll get a couple beers from room service, and then I’ll…,” Caleb said, looking at Dimitri, who simply gave a single nod.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  AARON sat alone in his classroom. The final bell of the day had rung a couple of minutes ago and the students cleared out quickly. Aaron had nothing planned after school, so he was trying to focus on grading some papers.

  He would watch hockey tonight—that much was certain. The Rangers looked good to close out its series with Boston, and he wasn’t going to miss the chance to see Caleb, who was playing great. As much as it hurt, it meant Aaron had made the right choice because Caleb had rarely looked better on the ice.

  A knock at the classroom door pulled Aaron from his thoughts. “Come in.”

  “Hi, Mr. Price. I forgot my action figures.”

  “No problem, Charlie. Come on in.” Aaron chuckled. Some things never changed. He had brought action figures to elementary school, and kids still did it. Aaron busied himself by organizing the papers that needed his attention.

  Charlie quickly got what he needed from his desk and stuffed the handful of figures into his bag. He paused coming back up the aisle. “You okay, Mr. Price?”

  Aaron stopped, two clipped stacks of paper in his hand, and looked at Charlie. “Yes. Of course. Why?”

  Charlie shrugged. “You don’t smile much anymore.”

  Crap. He’d been working so hard to keep his sadness away from the kids. So much for that. Smiles would have to be on display starting tomorrow for sure.

  Aaron forced his lips to curve upward in the approximation of a smile, hoping that he wasn’t grimacing. “Everything’s fine. I’m just tired since I’m helping out one of the hockey coaches.”

  “Oh, okay.” Charlie perked up hearing he was okay. He quickly headed for the door, but stopped just short, turning back to Aaron. “If my mom thinks I’m tired, she makes me take a nap. Maybe you should do that.”

  “I just might,” Aaron said, complete with a genuine smile. Charlie touched him with his concern and the remedy.

  “See you tomorrow, Mr. Price.” Charlie took off running. Aaron knew he should stop him from running in the hallway, but he probably had a parent waiting.

  “He’s right, you know.” It was Pam, leaning against the doorframe. “I haven’t seen a smile in almost a week, and you’re dragging around like you’ve lost your best friend.”

  “That, thankfully, I’ve still got.” Aaron stuffed the papers into his bag, along with the other things he’d need for the evening.

  “You want to come over, make some popcorn and maybe something chocolatey?”

  “You gonna watch the game?” He walked toward her, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

  “I wasn’t going to put you through that. We can watch something else. Whatever you want.”

  “Actually”—he sounded ashamed to admit this, even to his own ears—“I’d like to watch the game. It’s… I haven’t been able to not watch. I’ve tried, and the TV ends up on anyway. It’ll be good to watch with someone else.”

  “The game it is, then.”

  Aaron didn’t miss the concern in her voice.

  “Have you talked to him?”

  She nodded as they walked down the empty school hallway. “Just once, before he went up to Boston. But not about you. I haven’t pressed him, just like I haven’t pushed to get you to talk. Other than that, we trade texts about the games.”

  “He’s doing okay?”

  She shrugged. “I think he’s going through the motions to do what he needs to do. He’s arranging to have the youth team come down for one of the round two home games. He’s trying to make it so they can skate on the ice at The Garden too.”

  “They’ll love that, even if it’s just the game.” Just another aspect of Caleb for Aaron to love. Why did his mind have to insert that word—love? It was accurate, though. Caleb had gone out of his way to help the kids in practice. Making it so they can attend a playoff game was just an extension of that.

  In the parking lot, they took a moment before they went their cars. “See you before the first face-off?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be there a little before seven thirty.”

  “Perfect.”

  Aaron got in his car, thankful he wasn’t going to be home watching the game solo tonight. Maybe he’d pull out of his rut this weekend. The youth team played Saturday and Sunday, and he could go watch. He enjoyed working with them, and while it’d be a reminder of Caleb, being around the other parents and the kids would probably be good for him.

  On the way home, his mind replayed all the arguments he had for not being with Caleb. As much as he knew Caleb
wasn’t—and could never be—Tyson, he kept focusing on how bad his last relationship was. He’d done research and looked up the hockey players Caleb mentioned and found many others who seemingly had thriving marriages.

  It was harder to deny that there was a hole in his life that seemed to grow larger the more he didn’t see, or at least talk to, Caleb.

  It was silly. It wasn’t like they’d spent every moment of every day together when Caleb was in town. But when he’d been there, they usually saw each other for at least part of every day.

  At home Aaron headed straight for the bedroom to get out of his school clothes. His phone chirped as he emptied his pockets. The lock screen showed it was a text from Grant, which was odd. He hadn’t heard from Grant since his New York trip. The text was simple: Wanted to make sure you saw this. There was a Facebook URL.

  Aaron’s finger hovered over the URL. Grant was a good guy; there was no way he’d send something better left unseen. Aaron clicked to a public Facebook post from a teenager named David Eisenberg. Aaron didn’t know where to look first because he was stunned by what was on screen. The photo showed David holding up the picture of Aaron and Caleb, with Caleb’s autograph beneath it. In the text, Aaron saw Caleb and Dimitri were tagged.

  Thanks to Caleb Carter and Dimitri Stanislov for spending a few minutes talking to me after last night’s Rangers/Bruins game. Caleb, you stopped even though you had food in your hand and were on the way to your bus. You even ignored that I had a Boston shirt on (sorry about that). You autographed this picture and mentioned that it only takes one person to step up and be a leader to make a change. That starts by saying right here, to everyone, that I’m gay. Thanks for helping me to see that it’s okay for me to say that.

  David’s Facebook page showed that he went to a Boston high school, and there were pictures of him in hockey gear too. The comments on his post were overwhelmingly positive. Many congratulated him for finally coming out and said how cool it was that he’d met Caleb and Dimitri. There were a few nasty comments, and those were met head-on by David’s friends and even David himself, who invited some of them to try to say those words to his face. Still others simply offered thanks for sharing his story.

  One of the early comments was from Caleb—at the end of the post were his initials, which meant it wasn’t Grant posting.

  Congratulations on taking this step. I’m proud of you, and so is Dimitri. We’ve both got your back. We look forward to coming up to see you and your team. And you can still wear that Boston sweatshirt. :) ^CC

  Farther down, another post caught his eye, this one from the Bruins’ official team page.

  We’ve got your back too, David. Caleb told us your story, and we look forward to working with him to spread the You Can Play message at your school. Stay strong and always remember you’ve got a lot of people on your team. And we’ll understand if you start wearing a Rangers shirt—but only if it’s one sporting Caleb’s number.

  Aaron set the phone on the dresser. He wasn’t sure how to process this. Caleb had always been a good guy, but this seemed above and beyond even for him. Aaron wished he could just pick up the phone and call Caleb to talk more about his random meeting with the teen hockey player. Calling, however, probably wouldn’t be good for either one of them.

  “I really fucked up,” he said to the empty room. Maybe he should take the advice Caleb gave David and stand up for the change he wanted.

  Would Caleb take him back if he asked? It was branded on Aaron’s heart that Caleb had said that he loved Aaron. Twice. And Aaron hadn’t reciprocated. He’d almost said it, but couldn’t. Was Caleb even missing him?

  Was the ball even in Aaron’s court—or more aptly, was the puck in his zone? All of the reasons why a relationship wouldn’t work had come from Aaron, while Caleb remained the optimist and actively shot them down. The puck was likely on Aaron’s stick to make the next play. He could either ice it out of play or pass it to Caleb with some sign that they should continue.

  Sure, there were ways it could work. Caleb had pointed those out. The trip wasn’t bad by car. There was a train. Hell, Aaron knew people who commuted from southern New Jersey or Philly for work in NYC, and that could be a couple hours each way, every day. And it wasn’t just hockey players who had to travel—many people did that and had good relationships. Aaron’s arguments were stupid. Caleb was a good man, and Aaron had walked away.

  Aaron shuddered, just as he’d done when he’d returned home from New York early Saturday morning. Realizations slammed into him, pushing his emotional buttons.

  He grabbed the phone and sent a text to Pam. Thanks for the invite. I’m gonna take a rain check. I need to think.

  He sent it and powered the phone off. He didn’t want to be persuaded to come over or see anything else about Caleb. It was time to decide what to do about the man he was in love with.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  CALEB was exhausted yet elated as Grant drove them into Foster Grove from the Albany airport on Friday afternoon. After sweeping Boston the night before, there were a few days before the second round of playoffs could begin—thankfully, a couple of matchups were headed into at least five games. He had to rejoin the team Monday for the morning skate, but he could take the weekend off and not impact his teammates.

  He’d been awake most of the night worrying about his plan. Despite the fact that he knew in his heart it was perfect, he might still get shut down. If he was, Caleb resolved to let Aaron go. He had to make the last attempt, though, because he didn’t want to be stuck with a what-if years from now.

  Grant had driven up to Albany in Caleb’s SUV not only to pick up his boss, but to bring him luggage for the weekend in the hopes that the trip was a success. If it was, Grant would rent a car to return to NYC, and if not, they’d go back together. The first stop was his parents’ house to make a quick change of clothes so he’d be in something different than one of his game-day suits. He picked something similar to their dinner at FG Plate—a sweater-and-jeans combo.

  Leaving Grant at his parents’, he sped to the elementary school parking lot and arrived with a few minutes to go before the final bell. Violating school rules, he didn’t check in at the main office and instead headed directly for Aaron’s classroom.

  “Caleb?”

  He stopped as he heard Pam’s confused voice behind him. She was coming out of the staff lounge, carrying a stack of folders clutched to her chest.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Going for it.” He grinned at her and turned back to continue his mission.

  Her shoes clicked on the tile floor, following him.

  The door to Aaron’s classroom was open, and Caleb stood quietly, watching as the class read from a book he couldn’t see the title of. A different student read each page, and Aaron offered word corrections if they pronounced something wrong. Aaron looked tired but still seemed vibrant in front of the class.

  Pam put her hand on Caleb’s shoulder as she stood behind him.

  As the reading continued, one of the boys looked over and saw him in the doorway. Initially the student went back to his book, but he kept looking over at Caleb every few seconds, until he finally raised his hand. Caleb wasn’t looking to interrupt, but his quiet watching was about to be discovered.

  “Yes, Charlie?” Aaron asked before the next student started to read.

  “I think Mr. Carter is here to see you.” Charlie pointed at the door.

  “I don’t—” Aaron turned to face the door and his mouth dropped open.

  Caleb couldn’t tell what Aaron was thinking as he saw a mix of emotions play across his handsome features. Caleb’s face heated as all eyes in the room turned to him. He had to do something. Standing there, gawking at Aaron, wasn’t going to accomplish anything.

  “Sorry to interrupt.” Caleb stepped into the classroom and addressed the students. “I needed to see Mr. Price, and I got here a little early.”

  “Is everything all right?” Aaron sounded—and looke
d—concerned and confused.

  Caleb stopped to consider and cocked his head. He met Aaron’s gaze. “Well, I’m not sure yet.”

  Aaron swallowed hard, and Caleb wondered if Aaron’s mouth was as dry as his was. He hadn’t planned to say anything in front of the kids. They were young, after all, and he didn’t want to make a fuss. The silence stretched on as Caleb didn’t quite know how to continue.

  “Are you going to help Mr. Price not be sad?” Charlie asked.

  “Charlie, that’s not—”

  “I hope so.”

  Pam stepped around Caleb into the room. “Why don’t you two go, and I’ll finish up the last few minutes with the students?”

  Caleb smiled quickly at his sister before fixing his eyes on Aaron and extending his hand. Aaron looked to his desk, the papers and the messenger bag on the back of the chair.

  “We’ll come back for whatever you need. I promise.”

  Aaron nodded and took his outstretched hand. There were some good-natured giggles from some of the students, and Caleb couldn’t help but grin.

  “This is quite a surprise,” Aaron said once they were in the hall and headed toward the door. “How are you even here?”

  “Sweeping the series means a weekend off.” Caleb grinned and thought it was a good sign that Aaron hadn’t pulled his hand away.

  “I’m sorry about—”

  “Don’t say it. You don’t have to apologize for what you said or how you felt. It’s important we communicate to prevent even more problems.”

  They made their way outside to the school parking lot. They got to his car, and Caleb opened the passenger door for Aaron. He’d never done that before. Maybe it was to make sure Aaron didn’t try and run away.

  Aaron got in and was facing the driver’s door when Caleb joined him. Without any indication where they were headed, Caleb started the car and pulled out of the lot. He’d considered a lot about how to do this and was still second-guessing himself.