Paradise by the Dashboard Light

by Kathryn R. Biel

  "Oh, well isn't that something special. You finally got what you always wanted. Must be nice."

  My heart breaks slightly, hearing the bitterness in her voice. "I work very hard for everything I have, Rainne. You know nothing comes easily." I want to add that maybe things would turn around for her if she stopped looking for the easy way out.

  "Could have fooled me. Nice car." She nods at the BMW.

  "It's not mine. A friend of Ian's lent it to him so we could come home."

  "Home? This isn't your home. You left us and never looked back. Frankly, after what you did to me, I can't believe you even have the nerve to show your face here."

  Interesting how, even after all this time, Rainne still sees herself as the victim, while I'm the criminal. The moment she asked me to stand in for her so she could go be with someone else broke me. I didn't plan for the night to go the way it did, but I knew in that moment things would never be the same between us. She was so callous and careless with the heart I treasured most. It was an insult not only to Ian but to me as well.

  So many mixed-feelings about that night. Am I filled with regret?

  For what I did to Ian? Yes.

  For what I did to her?

  Never.

  "Take your hair down and put this on." Rainne tossed her favorite shirt at me. It was tight and low cut and nothing I would ever wear. I didn't like where this is going.

  "Why?"

  "Aw, come on Ri. I need you tonight. It's the last time you can help me, since you're leaving me tomorrow. I can't believe you're leaving me. This is the least you can do to make up for your desertion."

  She knew how conflicted I was. I wanted to get away, mostly because I couldn't stand to see her with Ian one single second more. But I was scared to leave. To be alone. I didn't know if I could handle life without Rainne right there with me, even if it was leading me into trouble.

  I slid the shirt on. It was tight across the chest. Almost indecently tight.

  Rainne sighed. "Damn, why did you get the good rack? It's totally wasted on you with all those preppy shirts and saintly behavior."

  I looked down at my ample breasts and gloated, if just for a minute. "Are you sure you want me to wear this? I might stretch it out, and you'll never be able to wear it again." I stuck my tongue out at her.

  "It's fine. I need you tonight. I'm desperate."

  Rainne always had a way of making me feel needed. I shook out my braid and flipped my part to the other side. This little change transformed my look enough. Rainne pulled out her makeup and started painting on my face. I didn't know where she learned how to do that, but if she wanted to have a killer career as a makeup artist, she could. I told her this for the billionth time.

  "Whatever. So, you going to the Barn? To Livingston's?"

  "I guess I am now. Who am I running interference for you with?" I took the brush from Rainne and dabbed my face with powder, sealing in the eyes that now looked more like hers than mine.

  "Ian. He thinks we're actually going to do it tonight, but I'm meeting up with Travis."

  My hand stilled. I couldn't have heard that right. "Wait, what?"

  "I sort of told Ian I'd finally have sex with him tonight. I've been putting him off. I haven't been drunk enough to actually let him touch me."

  I thought they'd been screwing for weeks now. At least since Prom. And then why did she want me to stand in for her?

  "What am I supposed to do about Ian then?"

  "I don't know. Frankly, I don't care. Meet him at Terry Griggs's car. He'll be looking for me. Be me. Lie to him. Tell him you're on your period or something. Give him a blowjob or whatever to pacify him and then dump him. He's too boring and goody-goody for me."

  "Give him a blow job?"

  She laughed. "Oh right, like you'd know how to do that. Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Think you can yank him off to satisfy him and then dump him? It'll confuse him and make it easier on you. Unless he's really drunk, and then you can just dump him."

  I thought I was going to be sick. I walked over to her bottle of Coke, which I knew was at least half rum, and took a long drink.

  "What are you doing with Travis?"

  "Hopefully getting the ride of my life, if you know what I mean." She winked and took the bottle from my hand, and drained the rest. "He's hot and his family is loaded. You know I love me a bad boy."

  "Rainne, I'm done taking responsibility for your mistakes. Yes, it was wrong that I mislead Ian that night."

  Rainne lets out a bitter laugh. "I didn't think you had it in you. I mean, I know you always had a crush on him, but I didn't think you'd actually do anything. I pictured you breaking up with him nice and democratically, telling him it would be too hard with him at one school and me at another, pining away for him."

  "You told me to give him a blow job!"

  "Yeah, but I didn't think you would."

  It's my turn to let out the bitter laugh. "You're not pissed that I slept with him. You're pissed that he thinks you're trash and that you got caught and got pregnant."

  She shrugs. "When did you tell him? He had to have been at least a little outraged, right? Mr. Perfect himself?"

  "Actually, it's Dr. Perfect. And frankly, we try to avoid all mention of you. Now, if you don't mind, I have to go."

  I open the door to my car. Rainne grabs the handle and steps in front of me. "Oh my God. He doesn't know, does he?"

  Panic floods through me, ice in my veins. I don't need to respond for her to know that truth. I turn away from her.

  She could ruin everything.

  "Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, this, wow. I did not expect this out of you, Rio. I didn't think you had the guts. This is twice now. He's gonna love me for telling him who you really are. You like to think that you're so much better than me, but let's face it. We're the same. You are just as cunning and conniving and using as I am. I'll be doing Ian a favor by telling him."

  My throat tightens as my heart races. My mind starts whirring. I need to stop this. I need to make it go away now. I turn back to her. "How much?"

  Rainne cocks her head. "What?"

  "How much do you want to keep your damn mouth shut? I can't help but notice you're short on cash."

  She smiles, reminding me of the Grinch's evil grin. "I can probably be quiet for five."

  "Hundred?"

  "Thousand. I've got bills to pay."

  I mentally recall my bank balance. I can do five thousand. It will wipe out a large portion of my savings, but I'm sure I can cut corners somewhere to build it back up. Rainne's silence is worth it. "Fine." I pull out my wallet. "All I've got is two hundred on me."

  "I have the Venmo app."

  Of course she does. She probably doesn't have a dime in savings, but has an app to let people transfer her money. Typical. I open mine and ask for her email. A few quick swipes and the money is in her account.

  "Well, that was easy. It's been good to see you, sis. We'll have to do this again real soon."

  I have the feeling I've made a colossal mistake and that my money did nothing to buy my sister's silence. "Rainne, promise me?"

  As she's walking away, she looks back. "I know I'm a bitch, but I'm not that big of a bitch. Plus, believe it or not, I kind of like Tequila. She's cool. No kid I had with Ian would be that cool so it's all good." That's probably the nicest thing I've ever heard her say about her firstborn. Rainne doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve. "Plus, me and Travis have been hanging out again."

  "Seriously? C'mon, Rainne. You know better."

  She shrugs. "He's not so bad."

  I can't forgive him for the Evan thing. Ever. "You know my issues with him. And I thought he wasn't paying support."

  "I know, but he's the only one of my baby daddies to have anything to do with the kids. He's catching up with what he owes me. He's not bad with Avril or Vegas either. Sometimes he takes them places, like they're his."

  That's sort of a relief. At least he's a known entity. His father owns
the largest car dealership in Cedarwood. I heard he cut Travis off for being a dick, but it would be nice if some of that income and security floated down to Rainne and the kids. Stability would be nice. Maybe it would give the kids a chance to break the cycle. "Give the kids a hug for me, would you?"

  Rainne looks me up and down. "You look good. It's still not fair that you got the bigger boobs. I bet you still don't know how to use them." Quickly she reaches out and tugs one of my braids. It's about as close to a hug as we're capable of doing. She shakes her head and gets into her car. It's a Lexus SUV. No wonder she has no money.

  I may be five thousand dollars poorer, but that could have been much, much worse.

  My secret is safe.

  

  Ian

  Rio is waiting for us at Country Kitchen when we walk in after church. I'm lucky the place didn't collapse around me for thinking more than my fair share of impure thoughts while in the house of the Lord. Rio has that effect on me. She's like a drug that I don't ever want to quit.

  I don't know how I lasted this long without her in my life.

  "Evan! You look great!" She rushes toward my brother, arms wide open. I notice how she subtly changes her stance to hug him without leaning in, so as not to throw him off balance. She hasn't seen him in almost ten years, yet she remembers this nuance.

  And she looks good in leather pants too.

  Here comes another round of impure thoughts. Damn, she really is everything I could want and more.

  She seems genuinely happy to see Evan. Her mood is better than last night; a small favor for which I am grateful. I don't blame her for being upset with me. I'm not that thrilled to have those memories rise back up to the surface. The funny thing, as I lay in bed last night replaying the events in the backseat of the car, was that when the flashback hit, I kept seeing Rio instead of Rainne. I need to get that sorted out and quickly, before I do something stupid like say the wrong name. That would cost me Rio forever.

  I can't help but watch Rio escort Evan. I notice that he doesn't let go of her hand as they walk to the table. His crutch dangles from his left arm as they walk hand in hand. Without the proper support, his limp is exaggerated. It's become much worse over the last few years, and now I can see why Evan is relying on his wheelchair more and more. I was upset when Dad folded it up, stashing it in the trunk. In the past, for this kind of outing, Evan would never have needed a chair. I'd attributed the need to his recent illness, but now I see how tiring walking is for him. For church and the restaurant, he's okay, but I know if we stop somewhere else, he'll need to use the chair. I can see the fatigue. I could also see the effort it took my dad to wrangle the wheelchair as he put it in the trunk.

  They were right to get Evan placed in a home.

  Evan is sitting next to Rio and hasn't taken his eyes off her. I can't say I blame him. She looks more refreshed today than I've seen her all week. Her face is fresh with a subtle glow. Her hair in braids makes her look younger than I know she is. I wish I was sitting next to her, simply so I could touch her.

  "You came to see me?" Evan's face is hopeful. "Do you want to see my new room?"

  "I'd love to see your new room after breakfast. Ian and I were hoping to spend the day with you."

  "I saw Ian yesterday. Today is a Rio day." His sweet innocence makes Rio laugh. A feeling I'm not familiar with creeps into my stomach. In this moment, I'm jealous of Evan. That he's sitting next to her. That he put that smile on her face.

  I don't think I've ever felt envy toward my brother before. I don't like it. I know it's not reasonable, but I almost can't stop the overwhelming need to get up, throw Rio over my shoulder, and go all caveman on her.

  This is so not my plan.

  None of this is my plan.

  Finding Rio again, the injury, wanting to be with her all the time. Realizing my parents were right in placing Evan. The impromptu trip home. Being jealous of my brother for something so stupid. None of this is my plan.

  Suddenly, I'm reeling. Like gravity has instantaneously disappeared, and I'm adrift without a lifeline.

  Rio crinkles her brow. "Ian, are you okay? You look a bit weird." My parents' heads swivel in my direction, the scrutiny beginning. Evan continues staring at Rio, which is really starting to bother me.

  I'm finding it hard to catch my breath. Everything seems so … off. I have a plan.

  I had a plan.

  And it was fine until Rio.

  But as I look at her with my brother and parents, I know my plan no longer matters. All that matters is her. If she asked me to quit my residency and get a nine to five at the Gas and Go, I would in a heartbeat. I know she won't ask because she wouldn't ask me to sacrifice like that.

  "So, Rio, are you going to see your mother and sister while you're here?" My mom's innocent in her question. I mean, she knows they're a shit show, but I don't think she has any inkling about the grief they give Rio.

  "No. I ran into Rainne a little while ago. I'm good."

  The mention of her name causes that image—the same one that haunted me last night—to pop back into my head. I don't want to think about her. I shake my head, willing the memories to fall away.

  "Oh." My mom is speechless. Even though Rio's told me, based on our own experience with family dynamics, it's hard to understand not wanting anything to do with your family.

  Rio, always wanting to please, jumps in. "I know it's wrong that I want nothing to do with them, Mrs. McCallister, but you don't understand. They're not like you. It's not like this." She motions around the table. "It's just easier—healthier—if I stay away from them. I can't always be the one to clean up their messes. I mean, for Pete's sake, seeing Rainne for five minutes already cost me five grand."

  "Wait, what?" I try, unsuccessfully, to keep my voice down. "What do you mean?"

  "I gave her money. She can drive a Lexus but can't afford to put gas in it. She said something about her child support money not coming through. I don't know." Rio opens and closes her mouth a few times and then shrugs helplessly.

  "Do you have that kind of money?" I know it's a rude question, but I know I certainly don't have five grand to spare. Frankly, my parents are helping with my rent because my salary as a resident is laughable.

  "I guess no European vacation for me this year, but I'll manage." Rio sighs.

  "Oh, were you planning on going to Europe?" my dad asks. "I absolutely love Spain. You would too."

  "I was just kidding. I have two pretty big accounts that I anticipate keeping me busy for a while, so I hadn't planned on taking much time off. This is about it. Which reminds me." She pulls out her phone and types furiously for a minute. "Have to call in for tomorrow. If anyone asks, I'm sick."

  "Oh, if you're sick, you should stay away from me. I'm sick too, and I don't want to go back to the hospital." Evan leans a bit away from Rio and covers his mouth with his hand.

  Rio laughs. "Not that kind of sick. It's okay Evan, I promise you won't catch anything from me."

  My mom starts asking Rio about her job, and I listen intently. I could probably watch her talk forever.

  "I mean, I'm not saving lives here, but I'm happy with what I do. I'm happy to have found something that taps into my creative side. I've found something I'm good at, and it's nice to be independent. My mom was never able to support herself without some man's help. I don't want to be like that. I want to be a self-contained unit."

  I see my dad give me a quick look, so I jump in. "Well, that was before you ran into me again, right?"

  "Well, from the sounds of it, and knowing the kind of hours you work, even if we're together, it's still going to be all on me, right?"

  I don't like her use of the word if.

  Rio continues, "You know, nothing in my life has ever been stable or predictable. I'm not used to relying on people, so I work on a 'take things as they come' basis. So we'll see what happens." And then she digs into her buttermilk pancakes. I don't think I can eat. My stomach feels like there
's a lead weight in it.

  What the hell is going on here? It's too much for me to process all at once. This isn't how things are supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be taking time off. I'm not supposed to be in Ohio now. I'm not supposed to be with Rio now. Evan's not supposed to be looking at her like he looked at his high school girlfriend.

  Oh shit. I'm officially having a panic attack. Right here in Country Kitchen.

  And of course, Mom notices right away. "Ian, are you alright? You don't look that good. Is something wrong?"

  "I just need a bit of fresh air. Will you excuse me?"

  Struggling to stand, I stagger out the door, letting the cold November air hit my face. I focus on deep breaths in and slow controlled breaths out, like I've told my patients to do hundreds of times. Well, like I've heard the nurses tell my patients to do.

  The timing is all wrong. This can't be now. I don't have time for it now. And I can't ask her to wait for me. That's not fair either. But I can't lose her again. I lean against the car, face in my hands.

  I feel her touch, lightly stroking my upper back. "What's wrong? Is it your knee? Ian?" Her voice is like silk, caressing my soul. I can't go back to life without her.

  "Why now?"

  Her hand lifts away, and I instantly miss her. "I don't know what you mean?"

  "The money," I say quietly. It's not that, but I don't want her to see me freaking out.

  "Are you mad at me for giving Rainne money? I would bet she always needs it. I saw her, I gave it to her."

  "You hate her."

  Rio lets out a slow, deep sigh as she leans against the car next to me, her body heat instantly warming me. "It's complicated. She's complicated. I hate her, but she's a part of me. I miss her. I hate who she is sometimes. I love her other times. I hate that she's not what I need her to be. She makes everything worse. It's why I stay away. It's why I can't be back here. Why I can't live here. She's too complicated, and I can't be around her. I cease to exist in her shadow. I don't want that."

  Her words are like a scalpel, slowly piercing my skin. I know what she's saying. I hear what she's saying.