Paradise by the Dashboard Light

by Kathryn R. Biel

  I don't want to believe what she's saying.

  Her wants, desires, needs—all of it—are incompatible with mine.

  "You won't ever move back here?"

  She pushes off the car and begins to pace. "No, Ian, I won't. I wish I could say I would for you, but I'm not sure I can make that sacrifice, even for you."

  "I see."

  She looks at me, her brown eyes filled with sadness. "I want to be able to. Maybe, when the time comes, I will. But I can't guarantee it in this moment. I make no promises."

  I look at her and know there's no other option. It's enough. It has to be. This woman is the air I breathe. "Then make me no promises, other than you'll try."

  "Try what?"

  I reach forward and take her hands in mine. I gently rub them, trying to warm them in this crisp November air. "Try us. Put up with me. Deal with the fact that I can't give you what you want or deserve, but put up with it anyway."

  "And you will do the same, even though I don't deserve you? Even though I'm not worthy and never will be?"

  "How can you say that?"

  Rio looks at her shoes, and when her gaze returns to mine, I see the tears brimming over. "Because it's the truth."

  Chapter 25

  Rio

  It's been one of the best weekends I've ever had.

  Well, except for the deception and blackmail stuff of course.

  When push comes to shove, I'm no better than my mother or Rainne. I'll do whatever I have to, to keep Ian. Which I know, though I won't admit it to him, means moving back to Cedarwood eventually. Of course, I'll have to figure out a way to keep the money I'll undoubtedly end up paying Rainne to keep her big mouth shut hidden from him.

  A relationship built on lies and manipulation. This apple didn't fall far.

  But here's the thing—I'm willing to sacrifice that part of my soul for him. The part that's honest and hardworking and that does the right thing. He's worth it.

  I don't need to love myself, as long as he loves me.

  That thought stops me cold, making me bolt upright in bed. Sleep's been coming in fits and spurts as it is. The realization that despite all my efforts, I've turned out just like my mother, hits me hard.

  I don't deserve Ian.

  I never have and I never will.

  I push that thought down. It's better this way, with him not knowing. I'm sparing his feelings. His heart.

  I'd do anything to protect his heart.

  It's going to be a long drive back today, especially if I can't get a least a little more rest. Yesterday was such a fantastic day with the McCallisters. They are a family in every sense of the word. We played board games after breakfast until it was time for Evan to go home. He still isn't totally recuperated from his flu, and he tired out by mid-day. Ian and his father took him home while I helped Mrs. McCallister make dinner.

  I have never felt like such a part of something. If we never had to leave the four walls of this house, life would be perfect.

  This was meant to be, exactly how it is.

  We were literally born for each other. This thought comforts me as I drift off. I swear I've only been asleep for a moment when I feel a soft fluttering on my lips.

  "Wake up, sleepyhead." His lips brush mine gently. Reflexively, I open my mouth slightly, welcoming him in. His kiss deepens. I feel the bed depress slightly as his weight shifts over me more. I could stay like this forever with his body pressing into mine. A small moan escapes from the back of my throat.

  "Rio! Ian! Are you awake?" Mrs. McCallister calls from downstairs. Ian startles and pulls away. I instantly miss his contact.

  He starts laughing. "She knows I'm in here. She's just doing that to mess with us."

  I smile up at him. His hair is tousled from sleep, and he hasn't shaved all weekend. He looks like sex on a stick. "She did make us stay in separate rooms."

  Ian leans in and kisses the base of my neck. "She's so mean. This was cruel, keeping me away from you."

  Reflexively I tip my head back, exposing more of my neck to him. I swear, there's a direct line from the spot he's kissing right to my fun button. My leg lifts and circles around his low back, pulling him in toward me.

  He groans. "Rio, you're killing me. I can't wait until we're home and my knee is better and I can spend hours upon hours ravishing your body how you properly deserve."

  That sounds like pure heaven.

  "Can I get that in writing, and when is your next day off?"

  He sighs, now resting his head in the crook of my neck. "You know that's the thing, right? You know that I won't be around that much."

  "I know."

  "I can't ask you to wait for my tiny scraps of time."

  "You don't have to ask. I'm willing to wait. You're worth waiting for."

  He pushes up and looks down on me. I try not to notice the muscles in his arms. God, I could lick every single inch of his body. I make a mental note to put that on my to-do list.

  "Why would you do that? Wait for what little I can give you right now. You could be with anyone."

  I look into his impossibly green eyes, and I swear I can see all the way to his soul. "Don't you understand? I've been waiting my whole life for you. I will take whatever you give me, because it's more than I imagined I'd ever have."

  Ian's smile lights up his face. I'll give him whatever he wants, just to ensure he always looks at me like that.

  "Promise me something?"

  "Rio, I will promise you whatever you want."

  He can't possibly know what he's saying. Nevertheless, I proceed. "Promise me that no matter what, you'll always remember what you're feeling right now."

  "Okay …"

  I know he's not following, but I need his word. If he should ever find out, he needs to be able to think about this moment.

  "Ian? Rio? You guys need to get moving."

  Mrs. McCallister's not so subtle way of breaking up any possibly hanky-panky does the trick. We're spurred into motion, running through the shower and loading our bags into the car. She has packed a bag of goodies, including a cooler full of freezer meals. I'm not sure where she procured dry ice on such short notice, but that's how she rolls. Now all I need to do is convince Ian to keep them at my place so I get to eat them too.

  A few tearful hugs and we're backing out of the driveway. I try not to think about how envious I am of Ian's family. I hope that's not part of the appeal for me. If he were just Ian, all alone Ian, would I still want him?

  Yes. Yes, I would. I mean, the very least of it is that he looks like a freakin' movie star. It's not fair that he's smart and funny and has chiseled abs all at the same time. Sometimes he can be a bit obtuse, but he doesn't mean to be. He truly wants to help people. He wants to give. I know he's a hard worker—he's always thrown himself into whatever his project was. Even when he didn't really understand chemistry, he made himself get it. He worked until he achieved his goal. I didn't want to admit it to him, but he ended up with a better grade on the final than I did.

  As we're heading toward the interstate, Ian requests to stop at Tim Horton's for coffee and apple fritters. Knowing that Dunkin' Donuts, while superior on the coffee front, can't compete on the fritter front, I pull in and park. I never like to go through the drive thru because I want to see the variety of pastry offerings. Plus, I'm going to pick up a canister of cappuccino mix to bring into my office. I have the feeling I'll be back in Ohio with Ian sooner than I'd ever intended, but I can't let the opportunity to stock up of some favorites pass by.

  Juggling a flimsy cardboard tray of coffee, as well as the cappuccino and bag of fritters (there's really no other option here besides the fritters), I'm lucky to make it to the car without dropping anything. While Ian is not super mobile, I'm sort of surprised that he didn't at least open the door for me or something.

  His face is set and stern. Maybe he's more upset about leaving here than he'd let on. I thought he was okay about the whole Evan situation but perhaps it's still bothering him.
/>
  "Hey, you okay?"

  "Fine." His terse response shocks me.

  Okay. This is going to be a fantastic ride. Maybe he gets like this when he leaves? I wish I could be so connected. Of course, it's hard to form those connections and bonds with people like Rainne and my mom. I back out of the spot and as I drive across the parking lot toward the exit, I see Travis Nichols leaning against his car, taking a long drag on his cigarette. I could almost swear he is smirking at us. Thank God I didn't have to talk to him.

  I'm driving, the radio playing classic rock, yet Ian sits there in silence. I've asked him a few times if something's wrong, only to be met with something that can only be considered a grunt.

  After about two hours I can't stand it anymore. "I'm not sure when you decided to go all Neanderthal on me, but I don't like it. I'll be listening to a book. If you decide you want to talk, let me know." With one hand, I dig my headphones out of my purse and plug them into my phone on the center console. The car swerves a bit as I open the app on my phone and start the book. Ian just sits there, not even reaching over to help me. The change in his demeanor from the drive out is like night and day. I'm not sure who pissed in his Cheerios, but he needs an attitude adjustment ASAP.

  I am so not dealing with this shit when we get home.

  

  Ian

  The conversation replays in my head, like something from a tortured dream. Travis Nichols is the last person I ever want to see. From the comments he made about Evan to the whole Rainne thing, well, I pretty much hate the guy. Serving him my knuckle sandwich guaranteed the feelings were mutual. So it surprised me to see him standing outside my car window, waving like a maniac.

  I depress the button to lower the window. "S'up?"

  He looks me up and down, and then at the car. "A fuckin' doctor, huh? Of course you are."

  "What do you want, Travis?"

  "Rainne said you were back. You didn't stop by to see her."

  "Yeah, I'm all good there." I don't bother to hide the disdain from my voice.

  "Why you gotta be so mean to her? She's really hurt by the things you've said about her. You owe her an apology."

  I couldn't help but laugh at that one. "Yeah, like I said, I'm good there." I pause. "But you can tell her she needs to think twice about hitting Rio up for money again. We're done with that."

  Travis laughs. "Well, you know Rainne, trying to make a quick buck wherever she can. And if her sister is stupid enough to give it to her, that's not your problem." He looks me up and down. "Or maybe it is."

  "Leave me the fuck alone, Travis. Why don't you and Rainne go live your lives and leave Rio and me the fuck out of it?" I start to roll up the window, only stopping because he put his hand over the edge. Knowing him, if I smashed his hand in the window, he'd sue me or something.

  "What?" I growl.

  "Listen, man. I know there's no love lost between us, but you know, Rainne always insisted you made that up about being with both of us in one night. She swears she was only with me."

  "Well, she was lying, and still is. I wasn't fucking my imagination."

  Travis steps back and laughs. "No, but are you sure it was Rainne?"

  "Yes of course. Don't be a fucking idiot. Who else would I have been having sex with, if not Rainne?"

  Travis looks toward the door of Tim Hortons and then back at me. "Yes, who indeed?"

  I'm not going to lie. It took me more than a minute to figure out what he meant.

  No way.

  It couldn't be.

  As I watch her fumble with her ear buds and then her phone, I know it's true.

  I replay the night, as best I can remember it, over and over in my head. Standing by the car.

  Pulling me in.

  "We have to talk." I thought she was going to break up with me. Instead, kissing.

  Unzipping my jeans.

  "I'm not who you think I am."

  I don't know that she said more than five words after that and most of it was "Oh God."

  "I love you, Rainne."

  Things are becoming more clear. Rio is the liar. She's been lying to me all week. Hell, she's been lying to me for over ten years now. No wonder she left town. No wonder she didn't want to come back. No wonder she cut all contact.

  She knew I didn't know it was her.

  Yet she puts the blame on her sister. Let Rainne take the fall. She's no better than her sister. At least with Rainne you know what you see is what you get. There's no pretending to be something she's not.

  Heat swells in me, rising to a red rage. I watch the mile markers whiz past, one after another, each adding on one more second of anger at this woman. I replay every single moment since I walked into Casa Pedro last Saturday night. Christ, was that only ten days ago? How has this woman made and ruined my life in ten days?

  Leave it to the Pascucci sisters to give my heart the one-two punch. Wait, I've spent all these years hating Rainne. Lamenting how she broke my heart. But she didn't, now did she?

  This is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of.

  The Ohio countryside continues to pass by. Occasionally Rio will say something, but I don't respond. We have way too many hours left in this enclosed space. I swear to God, if I could get out and walk, I would.

  She tells me occasionally when she has to stop, but again, I say nothing. I only get out of the car once, when I absolutely have to. My knee is killing me and after I use the bathroom, I get a bag of ice from the soda machine at McDonalds. For as fast as I felt the drive out flew by, this drive home is interminable. I count to sixty. Then I count to sixty again. I repeat this over and over, synching myself with the digital clock. Minute by minute, hour by hour I count, only so I don't totally lose my shit.

  Every so often, she makes a noise. I have a feeling she's crying, but I don't give a shit. I cannot be home soon enough. Home.

  Christ on a cracker, I'm staying at her place.

  Well, that's not going to happen. I don't care if I have to crawl up all five flights of stairs, dragging my bum leg behind me, I'm not staying with her. I never want to see her again, and if I could think of any single way out of this car, I would take it.

  And to think, I was willing to give it all up for her.

  Yeah, this is what I get for not sticking to my plan. Nope, that's it. The plan is back on. I spend the rest of my residency working hard. That's it. No other distractions. In June I move to Baltimore and then back to Columbus. I'll work at Nationwide Children's Hospital and take care of my parents and brother. Somewhere, I'll meet a woman and get married, and we'll have kids and a dog and a nice normal family life. None of this bullshit.

  It's dark now, and despite my constant counting, I have no idea what time it is. She's slowing up as she takes the exit ramp. I think we've gone through some tolls, but have no sense of where we are. The car crosses over the highway, pulling into a truck stop facing the opposite side of the road. I get out of the car and look around. Mountains loom around us, making me feel closed in despite the fresh cold air.

  "Where are we? Why'd you stop here?" I try to walk around but my knee, stiff from the ride, isn't cooperating. I limp a few steps and need to rest on the hood of the car. It's hot but cooling off quickly. It's cold enough to snow.

  "We're in New York, just about to cross into Massachusetts. We're almost home."

  "Yeah, home." I let out a small laugh that's anything but amused. "I'm going back to my place. You can drop me there."

  Rio hugs her arms around her chest and leans against the hood of the car as well. The distance between our bodies might as well be miles. "Are you sure? Your knee can't be faring that well with all this sitting."

  "I'm fine." I'm the furthest thing from fine, and that's not even considering the status of my knee.

  "Okay." She's quiet for a minute. "Ian, did I do something? I thought we were alright this morning, but, well, I get the distinct impression you're mad at me."

  I clap a slow, sarcastic clap.
"Give the girl a medal. You always did play yourself as the smart one while Rainne was the slut. Glad to see you haven't given up that façade in all these years."

  I can feel her body go rigid. "That's not very nice." Her voice is barely audible over the sounds of the cars on the highway behind us.

  "Neither is lying to someone. Neither is letting your sister take the blame and the brunt of my anger for almost a decade. Neither is fucking someone without their knowledge."

  She doesn't respond. Her body is absolutely rigid and still.

  "Have you been laughing about it all these years? How often did you and Rainne pull shit like that? Maybe all this time, you've been the evil twin, not her. Maybe you're the one who fucks anyone who asks. Maybe you did this just to screw Rainne over. Maybe you're the user and the manipulator."

  She's quiet for a minute before saying in a strangled voice, "How did you find out?"

  "Let's just say, things finally fell into place for me."

  "Ian, let me explain."

  I push myself off the car. "I don't want an explanation. I don't want anything from you. And if I could, I'd walk rest of the way back to Boston just so I don't have to spend one more single second with you."

  Chapter 26

  Rio

  Oh my God, this cannot be happening. No. No. No. No.

  Not like this. Not now.

  "Ian, let me explain." I reach out for him but he pushes off the car. He opens the door to the backseat, yanking out his bag. He shoves his phone into his pocket.

  "What are you doing?"

  "I'm getting a ride home. I don't want to be with you for one more second."

  I don't know what to do. I want to chase after him. I can't let him go.

  "Ian, no! Don't leave! We need to talk."

  He whirls around. "Talk? Really? What do you want to talk about? How you made a gigantic fool out of me? How you let me go on and on about how awful your sister was when, in fact, you were the terrible one?"