Paradise by the Dashboard Light

by Kathryn R. Biel

  "I know what I did was wrong, Ian, but in my stupid head, I tried to tell you. I thought it was okay."

  "Okay?" he screams. "How on Earth could you ever justify lying to me about who you were? I never would have touched you if I'd known you weren't Rainne."

  He makes it sound like I have some disease, and he's soiled himself from the contact. "But I thought you knew ... until after." I can't keep the bitterness from my voice. I know he has every right to be upset with me, but that doesn't stop his words from hurting.

  "What the fuck were you thinking?"

  I don't know if he means that night or since we met up again. "Then or now?"

  "Then. Now. Both!" He's screaming at me, garnering us some looks from a truck driver heading into the convenience store.

  "Let's start with then." I pull my arms around me, trying not to shiver. I notice a snowflake drifting down, and then another. The mountains are absorbing the light, and suddenly I feel very uneasy out here in this artificially lit parking lot. "Can we please get in the car though? I'm freezing."

  Ian grunts but gets in. "You have five minutes."

  I take a deep breath before starting. "She sent me in her place to break up with you. She was going off to hook up with Travis. She was done with you. She'd told me you were supposed to have sex but that I should give you a blowjob or a hand job and then end it."

  He doesn't say anything, so I continue rambling.

  "I didn't go with the intention of having sex. I was just going to break up with you, like ... like she wanted. But then I got mad. She knew how I felt about you all this time. She only dated you to stick it to me."

  "And so you used me back? That makes you no better than she is."

  "Of course I didn't 'use you back'. I was so in love you with you, and you never noticed me. But then you touched me, and I ... I couldn't help myself. I'd had a lot to drink. Don't you think I've regretted it all this time?"

  "I think you have no remorse for your soulless actions."

  "Are you kidding me? I don't know how you can sit there and think that! You know me. You know me better than anyone."

  "No, the girl I knew was honest."

  His words hang there, a knife into my heart.

  Like a wild animal who’s been cornered, I retaliate. "It's not like you're all innocent in this either."

  "Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure I didn't accidentally stick my dick in you."

  "Why did you go for her? I was the one who was always there for you. I was the one helping you out. But it wasn't enough. You never even noticed me. It was always her. And even when you were sticking your dick in me, you still didn't notice! How could you not tell that I wasn't her?"

  He shrugs. "I was drunk."

  "And so was I!"

  "You should have known better."

  I bang my hands on the steering wheel. "And you should have known! Didn't I taste different? Didn't I feel different? I mean, hell, you knew Rainne wasn't a virgin."

  He stills, utterly motionless. "And you were?"

  "Of course I was, Ian. I spent years waiting for you pull your head out of your ass and see me. But you never did. And that was our last night. My last chance to have you. I was leaving, and I wasn't planning on coming back. Ever. And then she not only wanted me to stand in for her, but she told me you'd never slept together. Do you know what a relief that was for me? Do you know how many nights I sat there, imagining your hands on her body when they should have been on mine? Do you know what torture that is?"

  "Jesus, what are you, some kind of stalker? Have you been following me all these years? It can't be a coincidence that you are roommates with my colleague. How long did it take you weasel your way in so Beth would include you in the group? You're tenacious at least."

  I can't respond to the insults he's flinging at me.

  "Your five minutes is up." He opens the car door and pulls himself out. His bag is over his shoulder, making his gait even more unbalanced. Watching him walk away, I can't help but think how much he resembles Evan in this moment.

  He doesn't understand. He'll never understand. And there's nothing I can do to make him understand.

  Ian didn't get it then, and he won't get it now. He won't ever see my side. He won't let me apologize.

  He won't let me love him.

  I don't deserve to.

  I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love, but I was willing to try to make it up to him for the rest of our lives, if only he'd have given me the chance.

  Tears give way to sobs, wracking my body. I cry for what seems like hours. It feels like there's cut glass in my eyes and sandpaper in my throat. I don't know how I'm going to drive the rest of the way. I feel like I could curl up and die.

  Eventually, folded against the steering wheel with my car parked in the back of some truck stop on I-90, I fall asleep. It's probably not the safest thing, but I don't care. Let someone kidnap me. Let someone kill me. At least it would end my pain.

  

  Ian

  I keep an eye on the car in the back of the lot. I don't know why I do. I don't care if something happens to her. It's more the car. Pete let us borrow it in good faith, and I need to make sure it is returned to him. About an hour later, Rio pulls out, and I watch the taillights disappear into the night.

  Rio's gone forever.

  My call is a desperate measure, but this is certainly a desperate time. John's on, so he's unavailable. This is my last choice.

  As the Toyota pulls up, I can't bear to make eye contact.

  "You're going to owe me big for this, McCallister."

  "I know and thank you, Trish. It's very nice of you."

  "I couldn't resist taking this opportunity to see the great Ian knocked off his pedestal. If I'd have had time to prepare, I would have brought popcorn."

  I want to shoot back some cutting remark, but this far from home, I can't afford to piss Trisha off as well.

  We've been driving for a bit when she finally says, "Well, are you going to tell me what happened?"

  "Are you sure you want to hear?"

  Quietly she says, "No, but I think you may need to talk about it."

  "None of this was in my plan."

  "Tell me about it," Trish laughs bitterly. "Must be tough, not fitting into the plan."

  "Rio was one of my best friends growing up. But I never saw her as more than a friend. I was infatuated—in love even—with her sister."

  "Rio is the girl who came out with us the night after we broke up?"

  I nod, thinking of that night. I don't think all the time or alcohol in the world will ever be able to expunge the site of her on the bar, arching her back and flipping her hair like a Goddamned video star. In that moment, she was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. And when I realized it was her … it was like a veil had been lifted, and I really truly saw her for the first time.

  "Yeah, she told us the most bizarre story about how she and her sister used to switch places, and she even had sex with her sister's boyfriend, and he didn't even know. If that's the type of person she is, you're probably better off without her."

  "Yes, I'm aware."

  "No, wait." Trisha bangs the steering wheel. "That was you? You were the poor schmuck who was too drunk and horny to know which sister you were banging? That's priceless." She continues to guffaw with absolute amusement.

  "I'm glad I can be so amusing to you," I respond dryly. I wonder who else she's told? How many people know? Who's laughing behind my back? I'd rather have them laugh right to my face.

  She's made a fool out of me.

  I will never forgive her for this.

  This is what I get for deviating from my plan. I look down at me knee. She did this to me too. If it hadn't been with her, completing my residency, getting in all my hours, wouldn't be in jeopardy.

  The rest of the ride passes in silence. Trisha drops me off at my door, and speeds off. I suppose the fact that she drove four hours round trip was more than I could have expec
ted in the first place. I'm also lucky she still had her key because I have no idea where mine have ended up in the past week. I text John and Pete to ask them. I hate that my friends have had to help me out so much.

  And it's all Rio's fault.

  Unfortunately for me, I've got more free time on my hands than I've had in the past few years, which means more time to think about her. Funny, I thought Rainne did a number on me. This is so much worse. In such a short period of time, she took every iota of trust I had and shredded it to hell.

  Damn those Pascucci girls. They certainly pack a one-two punch.

  At least Rainne never tried to pretend she was something that she wasn't. Rio is so much worse because she pretends to be sweet and innocent, but obviously has a much more cunning and devious agenda.

  Restlessly I limp around my apartment. This sucks. There's virtually no food here. The breakfast I was cooking for Rio all those days ago is rotting on the counter. There's dried egg on the floor. That's gonna be a son of a bitch to get up, especially with my limited mobility. I settle for a Budweiser or four and drift to sleep on my couch.

  The incessant ringing of my phone finally pulls me from slumber. Dammit, it's Mom. I was supposed to call her when I got in. Shit. I run my hand through my hair. What am I going to say to her?

  "Hey, Mom. Sorry, I fell asleep."

  "Oh, Ian. I was so worried. I thought I'd have heard from you hours ago! How was your trip?"

  I can't even begin to formulate an answer.

  "Is everything okay? That was a lot of driving for Rio. She must be wiped out. Is she asleep already?"

  "I don't know." I don't care.

  "Oh, can you put her on if she's up? I want to thank her again for bringing you out."

  I sigh. "Mom, she's not here. I'm at my place. We're … we're not seeing each other anymore."

  "What happened? You were certainly cozy this morning."

  "Let's just say I found out about something she's been lying to me about. It's unforgivable."

  Mom's quiet for a minute. "You know, Ian, life is short and when someone really matters, there's not a whole lot that's unforgivable. Are you sure?"

  I don't answer her.

  Chapter 27

  Rio

  A day goes by. Then a week. Then two. And three. I get up. I go to work. I come home and go to bed. That's it. I'm grateful for my workload, juggling both the Caparazzo account, as well as Skin by Seretia. In all honesty, it's way too much for one person, and I should delegate some of the work. But I can't. I need to stay as busy as possible, for as much of the time as possible, so that by the time I get home the only thing I can do is fall into bed.

  I've hardly seen Beth, but that's fine by me too. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about him.

  I can't admit what I've done and how much I've screwed this up. I should have listened to my gut instincts that told me to stay far away from Ian McCallister. In those rare moments when I do allow myself to think about him, I replay every moment, from when I stepped off the bar to when he walked away at the truck stop.

  I had so many chances. I blew it. I knew going in that it wouldn't work. Ian's a lot of things. Smart, funny, and loyal, to name a few. But once his trust is breached, it's done. He's a man with a plan, and he's not willing to take a risk on an uncertain gamble.

  I get it. I don't blame him.

  I just wish I hadn't put myself out there to get hurt like this again. I'm not sure that I can stuff all the pieces way back down in their respective compartments and keep going. I'm trying.

  My phone buzzes with a message. Like an addict waiting for a call from her dealer, I pounce on it.

  "I thought you didn't care who messaged you." Cailynn walks by, catching a whiff of my desperation.

  I sigh and flip the phone over. The message was from Seretia to check my email. "Well, I shouldn't care. It was work related, but I …" I falter. "Well, I was hoping it wasn't."

  Cailynn plants her rear on the edge of my desk, which is her favorite spot, and readies to have a heart-to-heart. I don't feel like talking, but she doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

  "Okay, spill. You've been a freakin' nightmare for weeks. What's going on?"

  I might as well tell her. She's not going to leave me alone until I do anyway.

  "I was seeing someone, sort of. I guess. It was new but then he found out something I did like ten years ago, and it's done."

  "What did you do ten years ago that was a deal breaker?"

  I sigh. This is what I don't want to get into. "I slept with him, and he didn't know it."

  "O-kay," Cailynn says slowly. "Um, doesn't he have to participate for you to have sex with him? How did he not know it?"

  "He thought I was someone else. We were both drunk. And young. And stupid."

  Cailynn's brown tightens, so I wait for her to process. "And you're hurt because he didn't know who he was with and he did it anyway?"

  I shake my head. "No, he's mad because I knew all this time that we slept together and didn't tell him."

  Cailynn cocks her head. "I don't understand. He's the jerk here. If he doesn't know who he was with, he probably has no business getting mad at you. He's just as responsible."

  There's more to it than that, but Cailynn does have a point. "Thanks. I hadn't thought of it like that."

  I look at her but she makes no move to get off my desk. Great. This is the most I've talked about it since it happened. Oddly, it does make me feel a skosh better. "Well, that text was from Seretia. I need to see what she emailed me. It must be important for her to be texting me as well."

  Throughout the afternoon, I can't help but reflect on Cailynn's words. While I know they hold a bit of truth, I accept the lion's share of the blame. I could have—should have—stopped it. That's on me.

  That cost me.

  It cost me everything.

  A few hours later, Cailynn stops at the edge of my cubicle. "Why don't you come out for a drink after work? You need to move on from this loser."

  I don't answer for a minute.

  "Aw, come on, Rio. It's Friday. You have two full days to be a poop."

  Probably because I've lost my mind with grief, I agree. I'm not exactly a ball of fun these days, but what the hell. Days are short with long, cold winter nights stretching on, and being in a bar where I can not feel so alone doesn't seem like a bad idea.

  There's part of me that wants to go home and put on my leather pants, just to shock the shit out of Cailynn. The look on her face would be priceless. But then again, nothing good can come of wearing those pants. I should burn them. Even that may not purge the memory of Ian for me. No, my ivory, belted sweater dress will have to do.

  I don't know why, but I text Beth my location. Maybe because she might be the only one on the face of the Earth to eventually start looking for me if I go missing.

  Beth doesn't respond, not that I expect her to. I know she's very busy. Plus, if anything, her loyalties are to Ian. Whatever. It's fine. I don't need her. I don't need anyone.

  But even as I think it, I know it's no longer true.

  Even though I made a horrible mistake with Ian, it doesn't make me a horrible person. It doesn't make me unworthy of love. It doesn't mean I should never be happy again.

  I deserve to be happy.

  I'm worthy of a relationship.

  I just need to accept that it won't be with Ian. I messed that one up too much to fix it. And while my heart will always hurt when I think of Ian, it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there who can take up residency there as well.

  It's not as if I'll be making that same kind of mistake again. I mean, I was right that it would devastate Ian to find out, but only because the betrayal was a devastating act in the first place. Now that I know that, I can move forward.

  I'll go out with Cailynn, but I don't expect meet someone tonight and fall head over heels in love. While I know love is a possibility someday in the future,
Ian's still taking up too much space in my mind and in my heart.

  I wish I had one more chance to talk to Ian. If I only could make him see I know how much I screwed up. That I could tell him I'd never deceive him ever again.

  But he won't talk to me. Of that I'm sure. At least not without some divine intervention.

  

  Ian

  "Rio texted me. She's going out tonight."

  I ignore Beth, trying to focus on charting. Patient is an eight year-old female with sudden onset right lower abdominal pain and guarding. Temp and white blood cells elevated.

  I'd bet my left nut it's her appendix. I ordered an ultrasound first, trying to spare her exposure to the radiation of the CT scan if possible. She's quite thin so the ultrasound may show it quite well.

  My laptop dings with the results of the ultrasound. "Sorry, Beth. Can't talk. Got a hot appy to get removed."

  While I'm not happy this little girl has to go under the knife, I'm happy to get away from Beth. I cannot think about Rio here. Certainly not while I'm covering the E.D. And certainly not on a full moon night. It's only eight p.m., and it's already been a doozy. I don't even want to think about what else will come in over the next twelve hours.

  I set off to break the bad news to the little girl's parents while easing their minds. I have some inkling about what it's like to watch your child get rolled down the hall for surgery. Well, not my child, but I certainly have parental instincts toward Evan. Plus, once they understand that taking out an inflamed appendix is worlds better than taking out a ruptured and possibly septic appendix, it's a no brainer.

  Following that patient, it's surprisingly slow. I take a few minutes in the lounge to run through my exercises. My knee is feeling better, but not as good as it should be. Against doctor's orders, I came back to work much sooner than I should have, though I'd be loathe to admit it to Dev. Every time he sees me he gives me that look. He's worried that I'll be a failure as a surgery, and that it will reflect poorly on him. I simply couldn't bear sitting alone in my apartment, thinking about Rio.