by Ted Dykstra
RICHARD plays “By the Stream.”
SISTER LOYOLA
TED
(in response to a misplayed note) B flat, dear. B flat.
RICHARD tries to comprehend his error by playing the discordant notes over and over.
Stop playing. Stop playing. Stop playing.
TED makes his way over to RICHARD. He is now Sister Loyola, who massages her left eye throughout the scene.
How many flats are there in the key signature, Richard?
RICHARD
Four, Sister Loyola.
TED
Mmm. And they are?
RICHARD
Um… B, um… E, um… C—
TED
No. Just down a little spacey from C.
RICHARD
A!
TED
Yes. And…
RICHARD
D!! B-E-A-D! bead!
TED
BEAD. Yes, good.
RICHARD
BEAD!
TED
Yes.
RICHARD
BEAD!!
TED
Very good, dear. So, what key are we in, Richard? (He draws a blank.) How do we know what key we’re in, dear? Remember?
RICHARD
Oh! You take the last flat—
TED
No, dear. The second-last flat.
RICHARD
Second-last flat—
TED
Yes, which is what?
RICHARD
A! A flat! We’re in A flat!
TED
Almost, dear. Is this a happy-sounding song or a sad-sounding song? (another blank) Does it have a happy sound or does it have a sad sound?
RICHARD
(RICHARD plays a short section.) A sad sound.
TED
Yes. And when it’s sad, it’s…?
RICHARD
Minor!
TED
Yes. Very good, dear. Minor is sad. Minor is dark and gloomy. Whereas major is—
BOTH
—happy.
TED
So. If this were a happy-sounding song then we would be in…?
RICHARD
A.
TED
A what?
RICHARD
A flat.
TED
A flat what?
RICHARD
A flat minor!
TED
No, major, Richard!!
RICHARD
Major.
TED
Yes?
RICHARD
Yes.
TED
But it’s not a happy-sounding song—
RICHARD
Nope.
TED
It’s a sad-sounding song—
RICHARD
Yep.
TED
So we’re not in a major key.
RICHARD
Nope.
TED
We’re in a minor key.
RICHARD
Yep.
TED
And the relative minor of A flat major is…? (another blank) How do we find the relative minor of a major key, dear? (blank) We’ve done this. Remember? We go… (TED points down.)
RICHARD
Down!!
TED
How far? (blank) Oh, Richard. Three. Three semitones. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
RICHARD
(going down from A flat) Baruch atah Adonai.
TED
Whatever, dear.
RICHARD
F. F flat. We’re in F flat minor!
TED
(losing it) Not F flat, dear! Just F! F minor! (beat) Okay.
RICHARD
Okay.
TED
Now, F minor has four flats.
RICHARD
Yes, Sister.
TED
And what are they, dear?
RICHARD
Um… B, um… E, um… C—
TED
No, Richard. What’s the saying that we use that helps us remember what the order of the flats is?
RICHARD
Battle Ends And Down Goes Father Charles.
TED
Charles’ Father.
RICHARD
Charles’ Father.
TED
And the order of the sharps?
RICHARD
Charles’ Father Goes Down—
TED
Charles’ Father does not go down! Father Charles Goes Down—
RICHARD
—And Ends Battle.
TED
What’s the word that spells the spaces in the treble clef?
RICHARD
“Face.”
TED
The bass clef?
RICHARD
All Cows Eat Grass.
TED
Lines in the treble clef?
RICHARD
Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge.
TED
In the bass clef?
RICHARD
Good Boys Deserve Fudge Always. Sister Loyola?
TED
No, you can’t have any fudge, dear. (beat) So. What key are we in, Richard? (RICHARD draws a blank.) Sister Loyola has a little pain in her left eye, dear. She’s just going to go upstairs and have a little lie down and a cup of tea. You keep trying to figure out what key we’re in and when your lesson’s over you can let yourself out.
TED sits at his piano and begins to play “Our Band Goes To Town.”
BERKOFF I
RICHARD
Okay. Okay. Teddy. Stop playing. Stop playing. Stop playing.
TED
It sounded a lot better at home.
RICHARD
Okay, Teddy, why don’t you try counting out loud while you play?
TED
Mr. Berkoff?
RICHARD
Count out loud while you play.
TED plays, counting continuously. He’s at twenty by the time RICHARD stops him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
TED
That’s hard.
RICHARD
Teddy. What’s the time signature of the piece?
TED
Yes.
RICHARD
The time signature, Ted?
TED
Four… two fours… four over four… forty-four.
RICHARD
Didn’t your last teacher go over this with you? (TED shrugs.) Didn’t she teach you about time signatures?
TED
Well sort of, I guess.
RICHARD
Didn’t she make sure that you understood the concept of time?
TED
Whoa.
RICHARD
Well what the heck did she do?
TED
She usually just went upstairs for a little lie down and a cup of tea, / and when my lesson was over I would let myself out and my dad would get mad at me.
RICHARD
(overlaps with line above) I don’t believe this. Okay. Okay. Teddy, we call the time signature of this piece four-four.
TED
Four-four.
RICHARD
Now. It’s also called common time. That’s why you sometimes see a C at the beginning of the piece.
TED
Oh boy.
RICHARD
But we’ll just call it four-four for now.
TED
Four-four for now.
RICHARD
Just four-four.
TED
Just four-four.
RICHARD
Four-four.
TED
Four-four.
RICHARD
Okay.
TED
Okay.
RICHARD
Now. Four-four means…?
TED
Four.
RICHARD
Four what?
TED
For the music.
RICHARD
Teddy. The top four means…?
TED
The best ones.
RICHARD
Okay, okay. In a time signature, the top number tells us how many beats there are in each bar. The bottom number tells us what each one of those beats is worth. So, if we’re in four-four that means there are how many what’s in a what?
TED
What?
RICHARD
How many beats in the bar?
TED
(by accident) Four?
RICHARD
Yes! Four! Very good! Now the bottom four tells us what each one of those four beats is worth… and that is?
TED
(confidently) Four!
RICHARD
No. Okay. Let’s try something else… Okay. Okay, okay, okay. We’ve got a pie, okay?
TED
What kind?
RICHARD
Well, whatever kind you want—
TED
Blueberry.
RICHARD
Fine. We want to cut up this blueberry pie into four equal pieces, okay?
TED
Sure!
RICHARD
Good. So if we have four equal pieces of pie—
TED
Where is it?
RICHARD
(beat) Let’s forget about the pie.
TED
That’s mean.
RICHARD
Okay, okay, okay, okay. (holds up a loonie) What’s this?
TED
A dollar.
RICHARD
Yes. Each bar is worth a dollar.
TED
Wow!
RICHARD
Now we already know there are four beats in each bar; that means that each beat is worth…?
TED
Oh! Twenty-five cents.
RICHARD
Yeah… and another way of saying twenty-five cents is…?
TED
Two bits.
RICHARD
And another way of saying two bits is…?
TED
Well, a quarter—
RICHARD
YES!!
TED falls back on the keyboard out of shock.
a quarter! A quarter what? A quarter… noo…
BOTH
Nooo… noooo… nooooo…
RICHARD
Note!
TED
Note!
RICHARD
A quarter note!
TED
Okay, I’ve heard of them.
RICHARD
Four beats in each bar and each beat is worth a quarter note. And that’s how we count the piece!
TED
Uh huh. (beat) How?
RICHARD
We count… (points to the music) one quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarter, (comma sound à la Victor Borge) new dollar. One quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarter. (comma sound)
TED
New dollar.
RICHARD
Yes. Now play and count out loud.
TED plays and counts out loud again but he’s counting eighth notes as quarter notes.
TED
One, two, three, four, (comma sound) one, two, three, four, (comma sound) one, two, three, four—
RICHARD
No, Teddy. No.
TED
Three bucks!
RICHARD
Teddy, what do we call these notes?
TED
Eee’s.
RICHARD
Yes, but we’re talking about the time here, Teddy. The time. How much time do we spend on each of those notes?
TED
It seems like forever, Mr. Berkoff.
RICHARD
Okay, you see those notes have little tails on them?
TED
Yeah.
RICHARD
Well that means there are two of those notes with the little tails on them in every quarter note. Which means that each one of those notes with the little tails on them is worth half a quarter. And another way of saying half a quarter is…?
TED
Twelve and a half cents.
RICHARD
And another way of saying twelve and half cents is…?!
TED
I don’t know… one bit?
RICHARD
NO!! (beat) Yes. One bit. We can actually count the piece that way. Play it, Teddy. Play it. (He does.) One bit, two bit, three bit, four bit, (TED begins to count along.) one bit, two bit, three bit, four bit. Well, there you go! But the “one,” the “two,” the “three,” and the “four” are more important than the “bits.”
TED has a blank look on his face.
They’re louder, so we actually go…
TED plays again and they count two bars, emphasizing the numbers—RICHARD stops him.
Okay, okay, okay, but the “one” is the most important and the “two,” the “three,” and the “four” are less important, so we actually go…
They count two bars out again, emphasizing the “one.”
Okay, okay. Okay! But the “three” is also important—it’s not as important as the “one” but it’s still important, so we actually go…
They count again, emphasizing the one and the three—four bars this time. RICHARD makes his way across to his piano, sits, and plays Beethoven’s Sonatina in F badly and with physical contortions. TED makes his way over to RICHARD’s piano.
At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.
Photo by Lydia Pawelka.
FINGERING
TED
Okay, thank you, Richard. Thank you. Did you practise at all this week?
RICHARD
Yes I did. Half an hour every day, Mr. Morton.
TED
Uh huh. And you included that piece in your practising, did you?
RICHARD
Yeah.
TED
Okay. Let’s try it again.
RICHARD begins again and TED turns to look at what he’s doing. He stops RICHARD and begins to laugh.
Hang on a second. What are you doing with your arm there, buddy? What about the fingering?
RICHARD
Fingering?
TED
Didn’t your old teacher teach you about fingering?
RICHARD
Well, kind of, I guess.
TED
What the heck did she do?
RICHARD
Well, she usually went upstairs for a cup of tea and a lie down.
TED
All right, all right, all right, all right. Play me an F major scale, buddy, I’ve seen you do that. (RICHARD does it.) There you go. That’s all there is to it. Now have a gander at the second bar. Tell me what that is without the rest of the piece around it?
RICHARD
It’s a going-down F major scale.
TED
So, what do think about that?
RICHARD
You mean you use the same fingering?!
TED
Well sure you do. That’s why we make
you practise the scales. We don’t do it just to be mean. They actually show up in the pieces.
RICHARD
(plays the passage successfully) Wow!! (continues to play)
TED
There you go. Enjoy yourself. (TED crosses to his piano.) See ya next week!
TED sits and plays “Our Band Goes To Town” again, but better this time, using the acclaimed Berkoff “one bit” counting method.
BERKOFF II
RICHARD
Well, that was much better, wasn’t it?
TED
Yeah!
RICHARD
That method of counting really helped, didn’t it?
TED
Yeah!
RICHARD
You’re starting to have some fun now, aren’t you?
TED
Yeah!
RICHARD
But you’re still not doing it right.
RICHARD produces a metronome, turns it on, hands it to TED, and plays and speaks in time.
Every one bit, two bit, three bit, four bit has to be the same. So, practise with that.
RICHARD walks back to his piano. RICHARD, picking up on the tempo, plays the Beethoven Sonatina again, beautifully and right to the end without a single mistake. Delighted, he looks up at TED for approval.
TED
Well hey! That’s a whole heck of a lot better, isn’t it?
RICHARD
(RICHARD nods ecstatically.) Yeah!
TED
That way of fingering really helped, didn’t it?
RICHARD
(another ecstatic nod) Yeah!
TED
You’re starting to have some fun, huh?
RICHARD
Oh yeah!
TED
Now all you have to do is memorize it. We’ll see you next week.
TED exits, leaving RICHARD in shock.
PRACTISE I / SHADOW PLAY
The sound of a metronome is heard (ticking at 138 bpm). RICHARD checks to see if anyone notices and tries to sneak off. He is caught. The following offstage voices might be seen in shadow and their voices might be enhanced to caricatures of their parents.
TED
(offstage) RICHARD! I DON’T HEAR ANY PRACTISING!
RICHARD
Do I have to, Mom?
TED
(offstage) you do if you want your allowance.
RICHARD
(mimics) You do if you want your allowance. (to her) It’s not fair! Everybody else is outside playing hockey!
RICHARD goes back to his piano and begins to play Mozart’s Sonata Facile in C Major. TED enters.
TED
Can’t I do it later? (He sits and plays.)
RICHARD
I’m just getting a glass of nutritious milk! (He exits.)