by Ted Dykstra
TED plays the same phrase over and over, slowing down and stopping as he realizes that no one is yelling at him. He takes the phone from his bench. The lid slams.
(offstage) TEDDY! I DON’T HEAR ANY PRACTISING!
TED
I just stopped for one second!
TED resumes playing. RICHARD enters and picks up the Sonata from where TED left off.
I have to go to the bathroom…
TED exits. After a few bars, RICHARD launches into some boogie-woogie.
(offstage) RICHARD! THAT’S NOT MOZART!
RICHARD switches back to proper practise—he blows a raspberry in Mom’s general direction.
NEITHER IS THAT! (pause) RICHARD?
RICHARD
Yeah?
TED
I’M GOING OVER TO THE ADILMANS’. I’LL BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES.
RICHARD
Okay!
TED
YOU’D BETTER NOT STOP PRACTISING OR THERE WILL BE NO TV TONIGHT!
RICHARD
(crossing his legs) I promise.
We hear a door slam. TED enters and takes over the playing. RICHARD wanders offstage.
Snack time!
TED
(He picks up the phone and dials as he plays.) Hey, Jerry. You gonna play hockey? What street? Is she going to be there? (He laughs.) She’s got big boobs. I should be done in five minutes. (yells to Dad) How much longer?
RICHARD
(offstage) A GOOD SOLID HALF AN HOUR.
TED
Half an hour!! What clock are you looking at?! (into the phone) I’ll call you back. (He runs offstage.) I started at 5:30, Dad!!
RICHARD enters eating. We hear a door slam and RICHARD runs to his piano.
RICHARD
Oh no!
TED
(offstage) all right—no TV, Richard!
RICHARD
Nooooooooooo.
RICHARD quickly starts playing. TED enters.
TED
Half an hour?!
RICHARD
(TED plays.) I just stopped for two seconds! I was starving to death!
TED
(RICHARD plays.) This is a dictatorship!
RICHARD
(TED plays.) Star Trek is starting!
TED
(RICHARD plays.) These are the best years of my life!
TED and RICHARD trade off playing in smaller and smaller increments, tagging on a “Shave and a Haircut” ending. The ticking stops.
DAD / SON I
TED
All right, Richard! What are you doing?
RICHARD
What do you mean? I’m practising.
TED
You’re goofing around again, that’s what you’re doing. You think I don’t hear the little ending?
He plays “Shave and a Haircut.”
That’s disrespectful to the music, Richard!!
RICHARD
Dad, will you please stop yelling at me.
TED
(yelling) I’m not yelling at you. I’m feeling strongly about what I’m saying! Why can’t you practise properly, Richard?
RICHARD
I’m bored.
TED
Oh, you’re bored, are you? You’re bored with Mozart? The greatest musical genius in the history of mankind bores my son. Well, we’re so sorry, Richard. We’ll try to do better for you, Richard.
RICHARD
Well this isn’t exactly a work of genius. I mean, look what it’s called: the Sonata Facile. The easy sonata.
TED
That doesn’t mean that it is easy, that means it’s supposed to sound easy. Ironically, that is a very difficult thing to do! I remember when I played this one… (He sits.)
RICHARD
(in quiet pain) Oh God noooo…
TED
…a little slower than you, but that’s up to the individual. (TED begins to play.) Right from the beginning—
RICHARD
Dad!
TED
—you have to give the listener the illusion of simplicity.
RICHARD
Dad!
TED
You can’t fake your way through these scales—
RICHARD
Earth to Dad!! (TED stops playing.) I already have a teacher, you know. I don’t want a lesson every single time I practise.
TED
God, you know, you just amaze me sometimes! Do you know how lucky you are to have me helping you?! (RICHARD slumps.) When I was your age I didn’t have a me to help me. You have the opportunity to be a better player than I ever was and instead you fight me every step of the way!!!
RICHARD
Will you please stop yelling at me?!
TED
All right, that’s it!
TED clears everything into the bench and puts the stand down.
I’ve had it with this, mister. This is a waste of your time and my money! I’ll call Mrs. George right now and tell her you’re going to quit the piano. How would you like that?
RICHARD
Fine. Go ahead!
TED
I will!
RICHARD
Do it, see if I care!
TED
You’re messing with the wrong guy. (He dials.) It’s ringing. Two rings. Hello, Mrs. George—this is Richard Greenblatt’s father, Mr. Greenblatt. Richard has something he’d like to say.
He hands the phone to RICHARD, who is horror-stricken.
RICHARD
Hello, Mrs. George. I think I’m… not quite sure what I’m supposed to be practising this week. (beat) Uh hunh. Uh hunh. Oh yeah, the Sonata Facile, I thought so. Okay. See you Saturday. Okay, bye.
TED puts the phone in the bench.
TED
So you don’t want to quit?
RICHARD
No.
TED
Well, that’s what I thought. (RICHARD starts to cry.) Aw, Rich… Okay, Daddy shouldn’t have done that… That was not very fair… We won’t tell Mom? I’m sorry about that, okay?
TED tries to touch RICHARD, but he moves away.
Okay? Who’s my guy?
RICHARD throws himself into his dad’s arms and they hug.
We can’t keep doing this, Richard. I don’t want to go through this every single time you practise. It’s just that you’re so good, you know, son. That’s why Daddy cares so much. And when Daddy cares a lot, Daddy gets loud. Now I want you to make a deal with me, okay?
RICHARD
What kind of deal?
TED
A pact. If you’re going to commit to this, seriously commit to classical music, then you’re going to practise for one hour every day—
RICHARD
One hour?!
TED
Every day, without exception—
RICHARD
Even on my lesson days?!
TED
Especially on your lesson days.
RICHARD
Don’t I get any days off?
TED
All right, statutory holidays.
RICHARD
Oh, gee thanks.
TED
And without ever, ever, ever complaining about it or goofing around during that hour. Outside that hour I think you should goof around—I think it’s great and I encourage it—but inside that hour I want you to devote yourself to the practice, perfection, and performance of classical music, from now until you’re seventeen years old.
RICHARD
Seventeen?!
TED
Yes.
RICHARD
That’s seven more years!
TED
That’s how old I was when I quit. And then you can do whatever you like. If you still want to quit right now, today, you’re free to do so. I’m your father, I’ll always love you. I will respect your decision. (beat) What do you say? (He extends a hand.) Deal?
Just as RICHARD is about to shake, he stops.
RICHARD
You gotta make a deal with me too.
TED
Okay, that’s fair enough, sir, you name it.
RICHARD
You have to promise to never… ever… ever… ever… practise with me for the rest of your life.
TED
You don’t want my help?
RICHARD
No.
TED
Not even when there’s a big competition?
RICHARD
No.
TED
’Cause you might regret—
RICHARD
No.
RICHARD extends his hand.
Deal, Dad?
TED
Okay. Okay. Deal.
They shake on it and TED pulls RICHARD closer to him.
Seven years!
RICHARD stares at his hand then exits as TED crosses to his piano and sits down to play…
COMPETITION / DUELLING DUET
The Mozart Sonata for One Piano, Four Hands. We hear a doorbell…
TED
It’s open!
The doorbell repeats.
It’s open like it was last week… and the week before!
RICHARD enters; they grunt a greeting.
RICHARD
Excuse me, may I have some room please? (TED shifts on the bench.) Thank you. And how are you today?
TED
I’m very well, thank you. Et vous?
RICHARD
Très bien, merci, except for the fact that the bench is too close.
TED
Well I like it this close.
RICHARD
Well I don’t.
They move RICHARD’s end back two feet.
Merci beaucoup. One, two, three—
TED
Did we, or did we not, agree last week that I would count in the piece?
RICHARD
(RICHARD gestures for TED to proceed.) Je suis desolé.
TED
Quite all right. I’m sure you just oublier. Two, three, four—
They begin to play but TED stops, reaches over RICHARD, and turns on the metronome.
RICHARD
Oh come on, we don’t need that.
TED
Excusez-moi, Monsieur le Grande Fromage, this is Mozart that we’re practising, not some baby piece. Next week is the eleven and under competition and if we want to stand any chance of winning we have to take it seriously.
RICHARD
A.R.
TED
What’s A.R.?
RICHARD
Anal Retentive.
TED
W.R.
RICHARD
What’s W.R.?
TED
Without Rhythm. Two, three, four. (They play and the battle begins…) Shhh!!
RICHARD
Crescendo.
RICHARD sticks out his tongue, changing back to a normal face just as TED looks at him. RICHARD sways to the music—TED imitates.
(yawning) Boring bit. And now I play…
TED glares. He reaches to turn the page and RICHARD continues to play.
TED
Would you wait for me please?!
RICHARD stops and points to the metronome.
RICHARD
Well, you’ve got to stay on the beat!
TED
Well I’m turning the page!
RICHARD
Well, turn it faster!
TED
Well I can’t!
RICHARD
One, two—
TED
I count! Two, three, four.
They continue.
TED reaches around the back of RICHARD’s head and gently flicks his hair—twice—then gives RICHARD the finger behind his head. RICHARD catches on and whips around… too late to catch TED in the act.
RICHARD hip-checks TED off the bench.
TED pushes the bench out from under RICHARD.
RICHARD pulls his end back so that the bench is parallel to the front of the stage and TED can’t sit down.
TED pulls his end around with one foot while continuing to play, leaving RICHARD facing out.
Then they both start pushing back and forth. RICHARD jumps away in an attempt to send TED flying—it doesn’t work.
TED stands to turn the page again. RICHARD continues playing. TED slaps away RICHARD’s hands a couple of times until he finally blows.
WAIT FOR ME!
Beat. They begin again.
TED hits RICHARD on the head.
RICHARD seeks revenge and takes a swing at TED but TED ducks and RICHARD misses.
RICHARD wets his finger and sticks it in TED’s ear.
Agh! What was that?!
RICHARD
Woohoo! (TED smacks RICHARD on the head.) Ow!
TED
(RICHARD smacks TED on the head.) Stop it.
RICHARD
Me stop it?!
TED
Yes.
RICHARD
You started it.
TED
I did not.
RICHARD
You did too.
TED
Did not.
RICHARD
Did too.
TED
Not!
RICHARD
Too!
This shouted exchange continues until the end of the piece.
See you next week.
RICHARD exits and TED becomes Ed McFetridge.
At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.
Photo by Beatrice Campbell.
KIWANIS
TED
Thank you very much and good morning once again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. On behalf of the Kiwanis Club, I would like to welcome you all back to the eighty-ninth annual Kiwanis Music Festival, class number four thousand five hundred and sixty-one, Piano Duet—Eleven and Under. My name is Ed McFetridge, from the Kiwanis Club, as most of you probably know by now since it’s been my pleasure to have been here since that Monday three weeks ago. This morning’s class will consist of… sixty-seven pairs of children, all playing exactly the same piece. It should take about four hours. It is now my pleasure to reintroduce you once again to the adjudicator for this year’s proceedings—Dr. (small pause as he figures it out… ) Boola Noogie.
RICHARD enters and speaks in a thick Hungarian accent.
RICHARD
Bela Nagy.
TED
(as he exits) You should spell it like that.
RICHARD
Tank you very much, Mr. Ed. Good mornink, boys and girls. I am lookink forvard to today. Now, dis duet is very unusual piss, and I vill tell you vhy. At de beginnink, de player on de top plays only von note, den de player on de bottom plays for a long time until de player on de top starts to take his piss. Now, vit duet, it is important to remember dat vonce de players play togeder—de players play togeder! You are team. Is no good if von is taking his piss faster dan de other. Also, please remember vat is title. “In Der Halle des Bergkönigs.” “In De Hall of De Mountain Kink,” by Edvard Grieg. It is very famous. Now, I vant you to make me feel and smell and taste dis piss. Okay, boys and girls, have goot time. And remember most important ting. Do not take your piss until I ring de bell! Mr. Ed, de first players please. (He exits.)
TED
RICHARD and TED enter shyly. They bow to the audience, move to the piano, do their good luck pinkie twist, and sit and wait. After a short while they look out at the audience. Pause. A bell rings. TED plays the first note, they look at each other with congratulatory grins and RICHARD begins to play.
TED is smiling and looks out at the audience—he slowly realizes how many people are watching him and turns bright red from fear. RICHARD looks up as TED’s entrance approaches and sees that there is a problem…
(grabbing RICHARD’s arm, whispers) I can’t remember it!
RICHARD
(also whispering) What do you mean you can’t remember it?!
TED
I can’t remember anything.
RICHARD
You gotta remember it!
TED
Get the music!
RICHARD
I can’t get the music.
TED
If you don’t get the music I think I’m going to puke.
RICHARD
Okay. Okay. Don’t puke. (to the adjudicator) Excuse me, is it okay if we use our music? …Thank you. Mom?! Mom?! Where are you?
He spots Mom—an audience member—and runs into the audience to get the music. He runs back to the piano and gives the music to TED.
I got the music! Play the first note!
TED complies with the wrong one—RICHARD starts to play. As TED tries to find the right page, the music falls to the floor and glides under the piano.
TED
I dropped the music.
RICHARD
(still playing) Well pick it up!
TED
You pick it up.
RICHARD
I’m a little busy here!!!
TED crawls under the piano to get the music. As he’s coming out he bumps his head really hard. He starts to sob, puts the music on the stand, and sits down.
TED
(He grips RICHARD’s arm.) I can’t do it, Rich!!
RICHARD
Oh my God! I’m going to have to play both parts!
He does and TED interjects with the following…
TED
Why do they make us do this every year?!
RICHARD
Turn the page! Turn the page!!
He watches RICHARD’s hands flying across the keyboard.
TED
You’re doing really well!! (He points.) F sharp. F sharp.
RICHARD
Shut up! (RICHARD stops playing.) Okay. You’re going to go from here to the end.