Happy Chaos

by Soleil Moon Frye

  Reaching out to others . . .

  I feel like some of the best insight I get is from other parents. I love turning to my friends, but also to my community through Twitter and Facebook to ask questions. Don’t hesitate to call upon your community for advice. Sometimes the best lessons can be taught by strangers. Other times we need the trust of our loved ones. After listening to a flood of insight, take it all with a grain of salt and make the decision that works best for your family. Realize that just like us, every child is his or her own individual. They are not carbon copies, so embrace their uniqueness as you make choices that work best for you.

  The girls and me headed to the Hannah Montana concert

  19

  Let’s Play the Quiet Game—You Know, the One Where No One Speaks for as Long as Possible . . .

  Question of the day: What do you do when you feel like you need a time-out?

  “When I need a nice time out I run a nice hot bath, put on some meditation music, and lay in the tub for a long, long time. If it’s an overnight time out, I call some girlfriends and make it a Mommy’s night out.”

  —AnnaMae

  “That’s what the TV is for. Turn on some cartoons and take a break. A half hour of TV won’t hurt them.”

  —Allen

  “My hubby works out of town during the week, so it’s just me a lot of the time! One big thing that helps me is to put on some music and dance in the living room with my kids. It clears my head to dance and sing and they get to join in! By the end, we’re out of breath and usually laughing hysterically.”

  —Jennifer

  “Go for a ride in my car, even if it’s to nowhere . . . it helps clear my mind.”

  —Jill O.F.

  “If my husband is home with the kids, I go for a walk, I just soak in my surroundings and breathe, it helps take tension away. If my husband is not home, I wait till my kids are napping or in bed for the night and I read a good book or take a quick bath.”

  —Whitney

  Here’s the awesome crew that celebrated Jason’s fortieth birthday together. A trip that will never be forgotten.

  There I was with a bunch of friends a few weeks ago, floating around in a pool in Mexico, taking in the sun in the middle of the afternoon, and laughing hysterically while we read aloud from one of Chelsea Handler’s books. No kids, just adults. It was Jason’s birthday, and we’d left the kids with my mom and taken off for a weekend away.

  In the days leading up to our trip, when I’d casually mention to people that Jason and I were going away for his fortieth birthday, I’d see the dramatic head turns of disbelief. They didn’t always say it out loud, but they didn’t have to: You’re leaving the country without your kids? Bad Mommy! But you know what? Mommy needed a little time-out.

  Working from home is amazing. I love it. I get to do ten different things at once and still pack lunches, pick up my daughters from preschool, and watch them dance at ballet and sing in drama class. I can drop work for forty-five minutes and take them swimming or out for ice cream. And if they’re sick, I get to make them soup and curl up in bed with them. I am truly grateful, and I don’t take it for granted that I have this flexibility.

  I love having lots of things going on at once. It’s the way my brain works best. Or perhaps I have just convinced myself of that. Poet said to me the other day, “Mommy, I want to do everything.” And I was like, Me, too! But there are definitely times when I don’t feel like I am at my best and I just need to take a deep breath and have a moment.

  My girlfriend Lisa was here with her son the other day, and I must have seemed a little frazzled, because she looked at me and said, “Are you having one of your not-so-perfect parenting moments?” It had been a long and full day. The kids were screaming, running into walls, and finally I rounded up all the kids, and I said, “Okay, guys, who wants to watch a movie?” And for about a full hour the kids were mesmerized by the screen and I collapsed on top of the bed. I gave myself a little time-out. It was just what I needed.

  As parents we can feel so guilty for taking a little time for ourselves—and sometimes it’s other people who make us feel guilty. But I’m convinced that a little grown-up time—whether a night out with your girlfriends, a dinner with your husband, or renting a movie and eating a pint of ice cream by yourself—can make each of us a better parent. It’s in those moments that we get to reconnect with our loved ones and often with ourselves.

  We came back from Mexico with open arms. The kids had drawn pictures and decorated our house with my mom, and we were so happy to be home. But I was also truly thankful to have had that time with my husband. So next time you need a time-out, put on some music and take a bath and don’t feel guilty when you find yourself savoring the moment.

  S.P.S.

  Take a break even if you can’t get away . . .

  We all get to the breaking point sometimes, and when I have been less than patient with my girls, I tell myself, Well, I will try better tomorrow. Here are some fun ways to give yourself a little break while also entertaining your kids:• Movies—Plan a trip to the movies. We make it super fun and they love it. It also gives me a chance to catch my breath when I am exhausted from running after them all day.

  • Alternating playdates—Compare notes with some friends and make a schedule of playdates so that each of you gets a few hours to get away.

  • Making art—It’s not just for the kids. Get in there yourself and make a collage or paint. Don’t laugh, but I find coloring alongside the girls totally relaxing.

  • Exercise—No, not every form of exercise can be done with your baby or kids in tow, but some of them can: swimming, walks or hikes, even runs. And of course there’s also biking, roller-skating, ice-skating . . . The more you do outdoors, the better.

  • Trains—If you have a train in your area that is kid-friendly, I always find it relaxing. It is fun for the kids and for me. I love to sit back and feel the breeze while the train chugs away.

  • Mani-pedi—Okay, so this may be a girly thing, but I know people who take their sons as well. A manipedi with the kids can be great. It is an indulgence, but if you can explain how special it is, they really look forward to it and it is fun for both of you.

  Date Night . . .

  I have found that planning a date night every once in a while is very important. I know it can be hard, but that time together can be so great. It is our time to connect. Cherish it. If you don’t have a babysitter, then staying up after the kids go to sleep can work, too. Lighting some candles and listening to music is one of my favorite date nights with my husband—simple and special.

  If you are struggling with finding “me time” . . .

  Getting up before the kids can be the perfect time to relax, work out, or meditate. At least that is what I have been told, but in all honesty I have yet to try this one. My friends like it. My brother wakes up often to go running at five A.M. I can pretty much say wholeheartedly that I don’t think I will ever be that person, but sometimes just thinking about it makes me relax and puts me at ease.

  20

  First Comes Love

  Question of the day: How has becoming a parent changed your relationship with your spouse?

  “I think it has strengthened it. Since we were teens we had a lot against us and on our plates. Not only did we have to prove society wrong but ourselves.”

  —Carrie

  “Dan and I have realized that by having a child we have chosen something larger than the both of us and it is our duty to continually check our priorities. We have learned to let go of the small stuff and love each other in a way our children will hopefully mirror in their own marriages.”

  —Jill

  “It was hard at first, but any kind of change can be challenging. We had to learn to communicate more and we also learned to trust in each other more. Becoming parents has made us more complete.”

  —Amy L.

  “I think being parents has just given us one more area in life to ‘balance each o
ther out.’ He likes to spend money, I like to save. I freak out when our daughter gets sick, or has a bad day at school, and he’s the one who reminds me to slow down and evaluate the situation. Also, we have less alone time. But we make it work :-)”

  —Becky

  I met the love of my life when I was just eighteen years old. I know, crazy, right? I was busy having fun, being a college student in New York, loving life. And then, there he was, Mr. Right.

  I was about seventeen when I wrote my first screenplay, and I’d always had a love for writing, so for college I went to the New School in New York City to study literature and drama. I came home from school for winter break my first year, and I was called in to meet with a production company about a part in a very indie film they were producing. I remember exactly what I was wearing for the meeting—a classy black and silver lacy shirt, black platforms, pleated skirt—and I’d already managed to develop a little New York attitude. Okay, “classy” is probably not the best word to describe my clothing. It was more Manhattan meets Contempo Casuals, but hey, I didn’t care. I was feeling totally secure with myself. The director left the room for a minute, and in walked Jason—he was one of the producers on the film. My first thought when I saw Jason? Well, hello, tall, dark, and handsome.

  Jason on the set of our movie, 1440. Tall and super handsome.

  Anyway, they offered me the part, and I don’t know where I got my courage, but I said I’d take the role if they gave me a chance to direct a movie. Jason and the other producers looked at each other and said, “Okay, tell us what your movie is about.” So I told them that it was about five kids who thought they had only twenty-four hours to live. Then they kind of gave me a challenge, and said, “Write it in a week, and we’ll consider it.” So I did. While we were filming the indie movie, I worked every other minute of the day writing that screenplay, and by the end of the week I knocked on my brother Meeno’s door with my handwritten manuscript and begged for his help. He sat down at his computer, and while I perched by his side reading the words out loud, he typed the script. We eventually titled it 1440, for the number of minutes in a single day. The night before I was going back to school, I dropped it on the producers’ doorstep and then went back to New York.

  A week later, I got the call that they’d make my movie, and then I had to do some serious soul searching. I loved school, and I really loved New York, but when was I ever going to have an opportunity like that again? On top of it, they were going to let Meeno and me direct it together. Finally I decided that I just had to do it. So I dropped out of school, and my brother and I put together an amazing cast—Scott Caan, Danny Masterson, Heather McComb, Jason Lee, Marissa Ribisi, and my really good friend Justin Pierce. Justin had introduced me to a bunch of his skateboarding friends in New York, and I gave a number of them cameos in the movie, too. (In 2000, my incredible friend Justin died tragically, and I still miss him.)

  Justin Pierce and me on the set of 1440. So young and full of heart.

  We went into preproduction, and a day before filming was scheduled to start, most of the financing fell through. I remember sobbing in Jason’s office—I had quit school and thrown my heart and soul into this movie. How could it all fall apart?

  Thanks to Jason, it didn’t. We found new financing, and making that movie was such an amazing experience—directing with my brother, working with so many of my best friends. It wasn’t until a few years later that it really hit me how unreal it was—I was sitting in a movie theater and they were flashing trivia questions on the screen—and there I was, the answer to a trivia question: Who is the youngest female director in Hollywood history? It was an incredible feeling.

  Over the course of filming, Jason and I became very close friends. Two years after we met, we became a couple. And two years after that, we got married. Did I ever think that I’d be married at age twenty-two? Never. But there wasn’t a second that I doubted I was making the right decision. In addition to everything else I loved about Jason, I knew he was the man who would always support my dreams.

  I can’t believe we’ve been married for more than twelve years now—although in some ways it’s hard to imagine when we weren’t married. But I look back and I know that we’ve both changed and grown in a lot of ways. Of course, the biggest change of all was having our girls. Having babies can throw any couple for a loop, but we keep making it work. I definitely think that a huge part of why it works is that we support each other in everything we do—outside and inside the home.

  I discovered quickly that along with being a hands-on parent, it is also important for me to be happy and inspired by what I’m doing in other areas of my life—whether it’s writing, designing clothes, my work with the Little Seed, or advocating for Alzheimer’s awareness. This all keeps me crazy busy, but it also keeps me totally energized. And luckily Jason’s the same way.

  I know the classic advice for couples with children is that they should make time to go out on dates. Like that’s so easy, right? But we really do try to do it every week. It doesn’t always happen. Even if we don’t get out alone, though, we always make time to talk to each other. We’ve made that a huge priority, and we’ve tried to pass that on to the girls. The same way that Jason and I know that we can talk to each other about anything, we want the girls to know that they can come to us with anything—anything. And I really hope we have the kind of open and honest relationship where they always feel safe to do that—no matter what comes up. Before I know it, they’re going to be falling in love themselves, or they’ll have questions about (oh my God) sex, or smoking, or drinking, or maybe experimenting with drugs. And I want them to know they can come to us with all of them.

  I made Poet a collage for her birthday a few months back, but I just never got around to hanging it on the wall. So there it sat, leaning against her wall for weeks and weeks. Finally I made the time to hang it up for her, and I surprised her with it when she came home from school. She was so happy when she saw it. She said, “Oh, Mom, I’ve been trying to tell you that I’ve wanted it up for so long.” I was so struck by that. I don’t know if I wasn’t listening well enough before, or if she just had a hard time expressing it clearly, but whatever the reason, I had missed her signals. And then I thought how full my kids’ lives are, and I wondered how much gets by us when we aren’t paying enough attention to the little things.

  So in the same way that Jason and I make sure we set aside time every week for the two of us as a couple, now we’ve decided to have weekly meetings with the girls so they can talk and be heard, and address all the things they have questions about. We did it with Poet for the first time last week, and it was amazing. She had so much to say! It made us realize that so many of the obstacles we go through in all our relationships—with each other, with our kids—are from miscommunication and not always being heard.

  We’ve always been a family who talks. And now we’re a family who talks even more. At dinner the other night, we went around the table to talk about what we were all thankful for. It turned out that Jason and I were thankful for the same exact thing: each other. Two people who fell in love way back in the beginning of time, and now here we were still in love with each other and with our little ones. Through ups and downs, good times and bad, we are on the same team.

  Jason and me, always looking out for each other

  S.P.S.

  For couples . . .

  When our babies are born, we fall head over heels in love with them—so in love, in fact, that it’s easy to put their needs above everything else in our lives. But don’t forget to take the moments to say “I love you” to your partner and show them how grateful you truly are. We get so crazed that it is easy to forget the little things that mean so much.

  For single parents . . .

  You are my heroes. Honestly. I often think about how when I’m at my most exhausted, the single parents I know are just as exhausted and have at least twice as much to do. I was raised by a single mom who worked and took amazing care of us
, and she gave me such a wonderful childhood. I’ve never believed that you have to have a two-parent home to raise happy, healthy kids—and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

  For all of you . . .

  Parents know best how hard it is to balance the needs of work, home, extended family, school, and on and on. When we have babies, it’s like we get a membership card to this whole community of parents, and the only requirement is that we give each other a hand now and then. So if your kid is invited to a birthday party and you know your friend could use a break, offer to take her kid to the party with yours. If you know a single parent who’s studying for an exam, offer to have her kid come for a sleepover. Take turns dropping your kids off at baseball practice or dance class. Membership has its privileges!

  Finally, remember that those family sit-downs can be insightful and fun. Take turns talking about what you are each most grateful for and ask your kids about their week and if they have anything that they really want to talk about. Sometimes the best moments can come from listening.

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  The Mack Truck Moment

  Question of the day: What has been your Mack Truck Moment?