Happy Chaos

by Soleil Moon Frye

  “Definitely the first day of preschool!”

  —Ashley

  “My ‘baby’ just got her learner’s permit and turned 16 yesterday—I would say THAT is my Mack Truck Moment. There’s no turning back from here! :)”

  —Cari

  “One would have to be when my little Joseph told me for the first time that he loved me. I would always say it to him before bedtime and he’d smile or hug me, but this one time he said with such confidence, ‘I love you too, Mommy!’ It was the biggest thing in the world for me!”

  —Nicole A.G.

  “When the girls start talking about boys. Boyfriend talk. oh no!!!!”

  —Nicole P.

  “When they have a sleep over at a friend’s house and don’t miss me at all!”

  —Ash

  Everyone always says to cherish the moment, because they go by in the blink of an eye. They say to take pictures and enjoy all of the precious time you have with your kids because they grow up so fast. What they don’t say is that in the midst of all of these special moments, one day you’ll feel as though you have been hit by a Mack truck—and that is what happened right before my daughter Poet turned five.

  I really feel like I try to live in the moment. I love my kids so very much, and the time we have together fills my heart. But in life we get busy. We get caught up in the day-to-day of living, and sometimes we forget to slow down and just hold on to the snapshot of what is happening all around us. So there I was. Poet was about to turn five and, all of a sudden, one day I felt like a truck came and hit me. The way my baby moved, her hair, the way she spoke . . . I realized, oh my God, she is not a toddler anymore—she is my little girl. Every emotion in the world came over me in that moment and I just wanted to cry.

  I couldn’t believe it. It was as if in one day she went from being my toddler to transforming into this little lady. Of course, I know this is not something that really happened in one day, but it sure felt like it. And I am sure for each parent that moment happens at different times, but for me it happened on a sunny afternoon in late August—a day I will never forget.

  So instead of just telling you to cherish the moment and hold on to it as if there were no tomorrow, I say one day your Mack truck will come, and no matter what, no matter how hard you try, you will not be ready for it. So make sure to have the tissues ready and a lifetime of pictures and memories to back up all of the moments that brought you from the beginning to that magical moment.

  Whether it is during the first day of preschool, or when your child is going off to college, we all have this moment. It is what bonds us parents together like glue. The beauty is that our children are always part of us, no matter how old they are. A few weeks after Poet turned five, she came in our room and curled up with us to go to sleep. I looked at her and thought, Yes, she is still my little baby. The same week my mother came to see me, and as I gave her a big hug good-bye, I realized, I am still her baby. And with that I asked her for one more hug. I needed it just as much as she did.

  S.P.S.

  Hold on to the memories . . .

  Keep as many pictures, drawings, letters, and mementos as you can. I love to open the little box where I keep their bracelets from the hospital and their sonograms. It gives me quiet time to reflect and cherish the moment. It is also fun for us to look at pictures together. The girls love it. Once every few weeks, we break out photos, old and new, and talk about them together. I feel like it helps us to hold on to the memories.

  22

  Over-the-Shoulder Boulder Holder

  Question of the day: How do you help your child feel good about their body image?

  “We look in the mirror every morning and say I feel good! I look good! And that’s what matters and smile real big!”

  —Mikala

  “I show my children pictures of all different people. I tell them that everyone is different and beautiful, regardless of your body shape, size, how short or tall you are, your skin color, your nationality, your hair etc. I show them how all people have characteristics they might not like, but it makes them unique. ‘There is only one you, and you are beautiful!’ ”

  —Sheila

  “Well, for only being 3 yrs. old, I just always tell him that he’s a handsome little man and he smiles, as though he knows.”

  —Nicole A.G.

  “Neither has had issues with that yet, but I try to tell them not to worry about what others think. We all come in different shapes and sizes, and what matters is that they are happy with their bodies, and they shouldn’t try to fit into someone else’s mold.”

  —Dana

  Even though I was raised in Hollywood, land of the fit and beautiful, I didn’t grow up with many insecurities about my body. I’m sure that was mostly thanks to my mother, but it’s also due to the fact that I just love food so much. I can’t imagine going through life feeling like I can’t have a plate of pasta or dessert.

  I look back on pictures of myself, and I definitely went through my chunky phases—right around fifteen, and then again when I went off to college and gained my freshman twenty (yes, twenty—and I’m five foot one). I could put away an entire pint of ice cream in my apartment at night, and that’s exactly what I looked like when I trotted off the plane in LA for Christmas break that year. But I never remember anyone in my life looking at me sideways when my weight went up or down. And I met my husband and fell in love with him when I had that lovely college weight packed on, so obviously it didn’t affect my love life too much.

  There was one huge change that took place with my body that I dealt with in a really public way. It’s hard enough going through puberty, but it is really fun going through it in front of millions of people, in the public eye. I started developing by the time I was about twelve. Both sides of my family have very busty women, and let’s just say I got extra blessed in the boob department. I am sure many remember Punky’s first trip to the store to buy a bra and the famous line “Henry, I’m getting boobs.” Of course, Punky drew from my own life experiences, so when I was developing, so was she.

  By the time I was sixteen, I was overflowing out of a triple-D bra. I loved being voluptuous, but my body just wasn’t made for that much cleavage—I had deep indentations in my shoulders from my bra straps, and I had chronic back pain. But the worst part for me was feeling like I couldn’t do things that my friends did without even thinking about it—riding a horse, or even wearing a T-shirt or tank top without a bra. At summer camp I remember kids calling me Punky Boobster. Funny, I guess, if it’s not you they’re talking about. Meanwhile, I remember the awkward feeling of grown men looking at me in a way that wasn’t totally appropriate for a teenage girl—and how people’s eyes always seemed to go straight to my chest instead of my face.

  Decked out in my catsuit dress

  Physically, I wanted to be a normal teenager. Professionally, I didn’t want my build to get in the way of taking on certain roles. So finally, I decided to do something that a number of other actresses my age also did when they faced the same issues—I got a breast reduction. It was an incredibly scary decision to make, but one that I was certain would give me a freedom that I desperately needed.

  The surgery was intense, and for much of my life I had been nervous when it came to doctors and hospitals. Back when I was eight years old, I had jumped out of a moving car just to avoid getting a tetanus shot, so try to imagine how motivated I must have been to go through with surgery. My friends and family were incredibly supportive, and even when I was in the hospital on intravenous Demerol seeing pink elephants dance around the room, they all trooped in and out of my hospital room to show me their love. I will never forget the support that surrounded me over those following weeks.

  I decided to go public with my reduction at that time, and maybe offer some help to other girls going through the same thing. I had lived so much of my life in public up to that point that I felt like I could help others know that they were not alone. I still remember the People magazine shoo
t for their cover story. One of the best parts of the shoot was when my friend Brian Green showed up. We played pool, and afterward he and I went parasailing in Marina del Rey. It was a fantastic day. He was a big part of my life back then, and someone I will always consider a friend who filled my youth with so many happy moments.

  In the hospital right after my surgery with my mom, God-Grandma Jackie, and Krishna. So much love filled my room during those days.

  And then the People issue came out, and there I was filling most of the cover. The rest of the cover featured the massive headline TEENAGE PLASTIC SURGERY. The type was huge, and below it was more: NOSE BOB! BREAST JOB! THINNER THIGHS! It looked like I’d had some kind of full-body makeover at the tender age of sixteen, even though I had not. This was in the days before people really discussed plastic surgery very much, so the idea that I spoke out about it was pretty unusual. People talked about my reduction for years after, perhaps because, unlike others who had more dramatic tales from childhood, this sounded like my darkest hour. It was actually one of my proudest. I am so grateful for the decision I made. No matter what age, it is never too late to feel good and be free. It happened for me at sixteen and for others at sixty. And it was worth it to go public. After that issue came out, I got so many letters from women and girls saying that I had changed their lives. And I still get those responses—just a few weeks ago, a woman came up to me and told me that I’d inspired her to have her own reduction.

  I really did feel incredible after I’d had the surgery—like suddenly this thing that had been weighing on me and getting in my way (literally), and had been a huge focus of my energy, wasn’t a problem anymore. And it was so great not to be preoccupied with self-consciousness over my body and how other people might be viewing it.

  I’m not saying that I’m completely immune to body insecurities, but I really don’t obsess—not just because I don’t want it to spill over onto my girls, but also because it just doesn’t make me happy to feel defined by how I look, or to think about it all that much. I don’t even have many mirrors in our house (as my friends have often complained when they’re looking for someplace to check their hair).

  Like many of us, I’ve been through my phases with exercise, but I’m not fanatical about it. I am so far from being athletic—I mean, Hula-Hooping was one of the closest things I got to sports when I was growing up. But when I started acting on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, I got a little more serious about getting into shape. Then I went through my Pilates phase and that was fun—especially when I did it at Demi’s house, with her daughters. She has one of the most amazing bodies ever, so trying to keep up with her was a little tough—but we would laugh the whole time. We would all be lying there with bands around our legs, and I would be in tears while she powered through. I was determined to go for it, or at least not to throw up from exercising too hard. The whole thing was exhausting and exhilarating all at once. My friend Teddy was training us, and he is the workout king. He would push us harder and harder. It was truly a blast, although my ass killed me during those few months.

  When I got pregnant with Poet, I stopped exercising altogether and just kind of cocooned. After I gave birth to her, I was never in this crazy rush to get in shape again; I took my time. It’s funny, because I’d kind of shrug at the extra pounds and tell myself, Oh well, I just had a baby. Then one day I realized I’d been using that line for over a year, and maybe it was actually time to get in shape again. So I did, and then along came Jagger. And now, who in the world has time to get in shape? It’s been over two years since Jagger was born, and this is my typical exercise routine:1. Think to myself, I’m going to get in shape!

  2. Get on the elliptical for a day.

  3. Stop for a week.

  4. Repeat.

  Maybe I’ll really get back in shape once they’re both in grade school. Or maybe not. When I think about the time involved, it’s hard to imagine it. For now, dancing with my kids to Taylor Swift is my workout. My stomach might be a little soft, but that’s nothing a T-shirt can’t cover. The important thing is that I’m completely at peace with the skin I’m in, and I want my girls to know that.

  S.P.S.

  Scratching the surface . . .

  It’s totally human to compare ourselves to other people. We look at magazines, we watch TV, and we see bodies and lifestyles that are unrealistic. And even if we protect our kids from those images at home, they’re eventually going to be exposed to them somewhere else—whether it’s at a friend’s house, or at school, or on newsstands and billboards. No matter how hard we try, our kids will be exposed to things beyond our control. So what can we do about it? We can try not to fall into that trap ourselves. I think comparing ourselves to other people is one of the worst things we can do for own self-esteem, and for our kids’ self-image as well.

  Leading by example . . .

  I never try to censor what my kids eat, but we do things in moderation. We indulge in pizza, but we eat it with salad, or sometimes we even eat salad pizza. We truly make it fun, and I have found that the joy of eating is so very important to them and how they deal with food.

  What about the things that make our children unique?

  Even my five-year-old has questions about her body. It starts so early. Both of my kids are very tall for their age. So funny, considering how little I am. We talk about it, and I tell them how lucky they are. When we go to the amusement park, we make it special that Poet is tall enough to go on the rides. Instead of making her feel like an outsider because of her height, we try to embrace it and encourage her to feel great about it. When our little ones go through a hard time growing up and with puberty, the best thing I can say is to try to listen to them and to be there. I think trust is incredibly important, and how we deal with our own self-image is sure to come up. I will try to pass on my own experiences to my kids while encouraging them to feel good about themselves.

  What happens when that special day comes?

  I will never forget the day I started my period. I was wearing a silk robe with butterflies and I couldn’t believe it. I went and told my mom and she turned it into a celebration, full of toasts and everything. Now, I’m not saying to break out the champagne and embarrass your child, but maybe giving them something special, a gift as their entry into womanhood, might be nice. Something between the two of you that is shared can be a great way to kick off going through puberty. I think it also creates a closeness to be remembered.

  23

  Jake Ryan, Where Are You?

  Question of the day: Who was your favorite eighties character of all time?

  “Easy—Wonder Woman! She kicked butt in a man’s world and looked great the entire time!”

  —Jill H.

  “Punky Brewster. And I’m not just saying it because she was you. She was an inspiration to me. She was my age, and not afraid to be herself. I was kinda shy as a kid and didn’t really go out of my way to be noticed. Punky helped me come out of my shell :-)”

  —Becky

  “It’s a toss up between Buddy from Charles in Charge and Troy Garland from Out of This World. There’s something that still makes me chuckle every time I think of Evie talking to her alien dad with a crystal cube.”

  —Ashley

  Where do I begin to speak about my love for this man?

  I can’t remember exactly when I first fell in love with Jake, but it was a love affair that would last for a lifetime, or at least until I found my own Jake. Something about his smile and charm just melted my heart, along with every other girl in America. And that red car—oh, how I loved that moment when he pulls up to the church—I must have put myself into Molly Ringwald’s shoes a thousand times. Then there is the song. The song that has been a theme throughout my life. With the cake between them as he tells her to make a wish and she tells him that it already came true. Yummy, sweet, lovable Jake. Yes, I tried to find him over the years and yes, along with every other girl who has Googled Jake Ryan, or the actor who played him, I know he became a
woodworker or something, but I couldn’t find out much more than that. Perhaps the tremendous number of infatuated women was just too much for him to handle, but let’s not think of that.

  Let’s just pretend, as I do, that he was real. Just as real as any other great figure who has lived throughout time. Jake is right up there for me. John Hughes movies were my favorite, and even on the night before my wedding, I stayed up watching Sixteen Candles with Tori and then again in the morning. I had to explain to Jake as he came onto the screen that even though we had a love affair, my heart now belonged to someone else—but that no matter what, I would always carry a special place for him.

  I was always honest with my husband about Jake. I never hid it from him, and he has come to embrace Jake over the years. He even made a film for my birthday with Jake in it as an honor to what could have been. When my husband really wants to warm me up, he will play me the cake song. Yes, it’s true, although I’m sure he is not thrilled that I am sharing this with the world. But you see, that is one of the things I love so very much about Jason. He accepts me one hundred percent for who I am and even inspires me to hold on to that piece of make-believe that I have carried for so long. Over the years I have met a lot of guys. There were my guy friends who were more than friends but not officially boyfriends; there was my phase of having crushes every other week, and my dating stages. But my first real boyfriend became the love of my life. I married him at twenty-two, and two children and over twelve years later, I am still crazy about him. I found my Jake.