Happy Chaos

by Soleil Moon Frye

  S.P.S.

  A little sentence to finish . . .

  My favorite memory from the eighties was . . .

  “The Duran Duran haircut”

  —Mikala

  “Sleepovers with my friends. We would blast Madonna and sing into hairbrushes!”

  —Sheila

  “When Tom Cruise slid across the silver screen in a button down shirt and his tighty whities in the movie Risky Business! Oh how my heart throbbed and still skips a beat for that character. Love Tom!”

  —Dawn

  “A mini-concert that I, my brother and cousin threw for my Grandma in the backyard. I was wearing my gray parachute pants, with purple jelly shoes, Duran Duran t-shirt and headband on. A close runner-up favorite 80’s memory would have to be buying my first tape and it was Michael Jackson’s Thriller album. Loved it!”

  —Nicole A.G.

  What happens when that first heartbreak comes along?

  What will I do when one of my girls comes home with her first heartbreak? Grab a pint of ice cream, curl up together for a John Hughes marathon, and dream about Jake. . . .

  24

  Girl Time

  Question of the day: What is your favorite thing to do with your friends?

  “Get our kids together and take them all on a mystery trip usually to a water park beach or someplace else fun to go that everyone enjoys.”

  —Amelia

  “Daydream about weekends away without kids and husbands while the kids wrestle around us.”

  —Amy

  “Sit and talk—about everything, about nothing. Just to sit and be myself—good or bad.”

  —Jessica

  “Go places and talk—hear live music together. Share a movie.”

  —Kathryn

  Even though I’m officially an adult, one thing about being a kid that I never want to let go of is the friendships. Remember those friendships from when you were little? Remember all your friend-crushes as you got older, and how those friendships totally defined who you were at any given moment? And have you ever laughed harder than when you were with a few of your best friends?

  Now that I’m a wife and mother, of course my husband and my kids are the most important relationships in my life. But I still need my girlfriends. I need them to support me when I’m down, be happy for me when something goes right, or just let me be that silly girl that I always keep inside.

  I’m incredibly lucky that I get to work with my best friend, Tori. But even though we spend a lot of time together, we still have to make sure that we carve out time that isn’t all about work or the kids. During the holidays she comes and sleeps over. We get up early in the morning, go to the flower market, and then cook all day long together. Moments standing beside her in the kitchen, making mashed potatoes and cooking for our family feast, are some of my favorite memories.

  One of my oldest girlfriends is Melissa Joan Hart. We met during casting for Ron Howard’s show Little Shots when we were both about seven years old. Fast-forward a couple decades, and we were both pregnant with our first babies at the same time. We truly became close friends when we were in our early twenties. We would spend late nights talking, while Jason gave her advice about guys. When she was cast in a play in New York, I came along and we shared an apartment for a month, having a total blast and going out to sing karaoke at night. I was already married to Jason at this point. But he knew I needed some girl time—or a whole month of girl time. She was starring then in Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and soon I was cast to play her college roommate, Roxie King. I remember during filming we would lie on the floor of her trailer and we’d talk about everything for hours upon hours. I love that now as moms we still try to carve out time together, even if it is just for a half-hour frozen yogurt run. Somewhere inside of us, we will always be the seven-year-old girls we were when we first met. That never goes away.

  Here I am with my good friend, Melissa Joan Hart

  Of course, it’s a lot harder to see our friends when we’ve got a family—especially if not all of our friends have kids. When we have so much to do at home, it can be incredibly hard to make the time for our friends, especially since that means also making time for ourselves, which so many parents find difficult. It’s really easy to let those relationships get put to the side while we focus on what’s in front of us. But whether you only have long enough for a quick coffee with a friend during the workday or a side-by-side pedicure, or you have the luxury of a real girls’ night out, you have to make the time. Otherwise, one of these days your kids will be off having their own social lives and you’ll realize, hey, wait a second—what happened to my social life?

  Every few months my friends Lisa, Ariana, Rebecca, and I all manage to get away for a lunch, just us girls. They’re hard to arrange, but so worth it—not only for us, but for our kids, too. We talk about everything, and it feels so good to know that someone is listening and understands what the other is going through. I think it’s really important for my girls to see that I work hard on my friendships and that those relationships are something to aspire to. And when they’re having a conflict with a friend (which seems to happen more and more as the girls get older), I want them to know how important it is to work it out. You don’t just get frustrated and walk away. And if they’re as lucky as I have been, the same girls they’re tied at the hip with now will be the first people they call at every turn of the road for the rest of their lives.

  Me, Rebecca, Arianna, and Lisa at one of our fun lunch dates

  S.P.S.

  The importance of friendships . . .

  I will never forget all of the friendships that touched my life as a kid. My best friend, Tori, and I have memories of traveling the world together. We went everywhere, from New York and Nashville to Puerto Rico and the Caribbean. And we would always go on some kind of adventure. My mom would take us on carriage rides in Central Park. We would climb rocks and think we were near death on the highest points in the Virgin Islands. We had endless sleepovers, laughter, tears, and more laughter. I want my kids to grow up with the understanding of how much our circle of friends means in our lives. I am truly grateful that I can look at the people around me and so many of their faces flash back to childhood. My good friend Sarah Gilbert and I grew up together since we were about ten. We spent holidays and many fun nights together throughout our youth. I love that when I see her face, I see the same cool girl who wore a blue and purple tie-dyed shirt at our first sleepover. Just this Christmas Eve, as I looked around at Sarah with her beautiful kids; Tori cooking up a storm; Danny Masterson with his whole family; Chrissy, my summer camp friend who was wise beyond her years; and all of the other faces that I spent my youth and adulthood with, I thought about just how blessed I am. There is the family we are born into and the family we choose, and here were both, together.... Now, pick up the phone and call a friend you haven’t talked to for a while, and I’m going to do the same. :)

  Me and Tori: kids having fun in the sun in the Caribbean

  Remember to talk about things other than our kids . . . no matter how hard it is . . .

  How many times has this happened to you: You get together with your friends for the first time in ages, and you spend the whole time talking about your kids. That’s great sometimes, but it’s really healthy (and very much appreciated by your friends who don’t have kids) to remember all those interesting subjects you used to talk about before you were a parent. So next time you’re with your friends for an adults-only gathering, try to open up the conversation to other topics as well. Better yet, if you have a ladies’ night together, you could make a drinking game out of it. Whoever talks about her kid first has to drink. Everyone will probably wind up very intoxicated—just kidding, but not really.

  Carving out time . . .

  That precious time with our friends is so important, and we need to remind ourselves to take it. Trading off with your partner or friends is a great way to make a little girl time. Tell your friend, family member, or partner t
hat you would love to trade a night out for a night out. Support each other. A little space to remember the individuals we were before we had kids is refreshing for all of us.

  25

  The Much-Needed Family Vacation

  Question of the day: What’s your favorite family vacation memory?

  “A very long road trip to California from Colorado. Swimming in hotel pools with my dad, and laughing the whole time at his jokes.”—Cari

  “It was when my family and I went to a ranch resort in Arizona. My children were riding the horses and the smiles on their faces were just priceless!”

  —Ashley

  “Meeting Mickey and Minnie Mouse!”

  —Dana

  “Visiting Grandpa and swimming with him in the pool. It was such a moment! My son Joseph loves the water! It’s the simple things in life that matter the most.”

  —Nicole A.G.

  Here we are on our family vacation in Mexico

  We get so busy in our everyday lives that we often forget to find the balance.

  Between school drop-offs and work, we get busier and busier, and before we know it, months have gotten away from us. Other than family dinners, moments during the weekend, and limited time between work projects, we sometimes forget to take the time with our family to really nurture each other and ourselves.

  Something incredible happened to me this past holiday season—something that, had I not experienced it myself, I may have overlooked completely. The experience has opened my eyes in a whole new way.

  In the midst of our family’s busy life, it became more and more clear to me that my kids were getting bigger faster than I could catch my breath. They were breaking out of the cocoons that once nurtured them, and becoming more and more their own people.

  I couldn’t believe it, and yet I couldn’t stop it, either. My two-year-old was getting bigger by the second and my five-year-old seemed to be turning fifteen.

  I was struggling. I felt more lost as a parent than ever before. I started questioning every move I made up until that point. Had I done something wrong? Was it okay that on a few occasions I had let them watch Hannah Montana or music videos? They love pop music, but were they being too exposed to things they shouldn’t be? Was I pushing them to grow up too fast? I immediately started monitoring them more. We started doing more reading, playing, and cooking together—anything to keep them kids for as long as possible.

  We had regular heart-to-hearts as a family and an open line of communication, but I still felt they needed more from us. At one breaking point I found myself in the bookstore looking for books that could give me insight. Here I stood with a thousand pregnancy, newborn, and toddler books, but I wondered about the next steps. There was a void on the bookshelves, and the message seemed to be “If you haven’t figured it out by now, you are screwed.” I came home and wondered what to do next. How do I become the best parent I can be to my children?

  Then something amazing happened that truly shifted things. It was over the holidays and we decided to try to shut everything else down and just be with the kids. On Christmas morning we opened presents, and then Jason handed me an envelope and there it was . . . Inside were two passports that he had gotten for our daughters, and a homemade gift certificate for a trip to Mexico. I couldn’t believe my eyes. We were leaving in less than a week. I was thrilled! And then the anxiety set in. How would I meet my work deadline? What about the girls’ school, etc? Then I realized that I needed to just let go.

  So a week later we began our journey together, just us and the girls, and immediately I realized that this was exactly what our children needed—and what Jason and I needed. It was time for us to be a family—no work, no babysitters, no distractions from each other. We played in the pool, read books, drew, and ate together. We walked and danced. We took each other in and did it with open arms. I took the time to ask the girls regularly what they needed, not just in terms of the day, but in life. We cuddled, we laughed, and we shared. When a meltdown would arise, I would find myself handling it with a calm that does not come to me quite as easily when we are in the throes of everyday life. I am aware that not everyone has the luxury to take a family vacation like this. But whether it is a camping trip for a few nights, a campout in the living room, or a hike in the woods, we can carve out that time to just be together. Roasting s’mores, telling stories, playing ball, swimming, and laughing hard. Making that time for our kids to know that their voices will be heard, and that what they have to say really matters, will make all of the difference in the world to their evolution as people. I guarantee it is those memories they hold on to. Some of my greatest memories growing up were when my mom would take my big brother and me on a trip. She would save up all year to take us someplace special, and those moments are some of the closest to my heart.

  So take that family vacation. Everything else can wait. Know that it is the best investment for our little ones. No matter how short or long your trip, the most important thing is that when you are with them, you are present, and that it is not ten or twenty percent of Mom or Dad that your kids get, but the whole package.

  And after the kids go to sleep, it is the perfect time to have some alone moments as grown-ups. You can snuggle up, read to each other, or watch a movie, and take time to share and reflect on the life you are building together. It gives you strength for the love you share and respect for the parents you are.

  S.P.S.

  Planning a family vacation . . .

  Planning a family vacation can be fun, but it can also be stressful, so try to do it together. What is something that all of you can enjoy? Another fun idea is to take turns planning it. Family vacations don’t need to break the bank. A super-fun family vacation can be a “staycation.” Decorate your living room like Hawaii or with a Japanese theme. You can hang pictures and put up a tent in the center of the room draped with different fabrics. You can surprise your little ones and say, “We are going to Japan (or Hawaii) for a few days,” and read stories inspired by the culture, or cook foods that you would eat in that place. Some of the best family vacations can happen right in the comfort of our own homes. It is the point of making it special and unique that they will remember, not the cost or extravagance of it. Some of my favorite family vacations were when my mom would lay out some blankets on the small balcony of our little apartment and we would sleep under the stars.

  26

  Embarrassing Moments

  Question of the day: What is your most embarrassing moment ever?

  “Falling down the stairs in high school while the guy I liked was right there, downstairs, with his friends and saw me landing on my butt!”

  —Amelie

  “As a klutz with a recurring case of foot-in-mouth-disease there are a lot, but probably the worst was in the 6th grade (right when girls start caring a lot what people think about them) my family went to Jamaica and I got corn rows. My mom asked me the night before I went back to school, to let her take them out, but I was tired and went to bed. Then in the morning I realized I didn’t want to go to school with them so I asked her to take them out and she said no, that she would do them that night (she was busy getting 4 kids off to school). So, I went into the bathroom and did it myself and came out with a GIANT 70s afro and asked to take a shower to flatten it. She said she wouldn’t let me be late because I had made a bad choice and sent me like that, ensuring months of torture and teasing!”

  —Kelly F.

  “7th grade. Everyone has that one teacher that’s just cute. Mine was gorgeous, just graduated college, and had to wear a tie because he was getting confused with high school guys. One day we were messing around in our ‘free time’ in class. I was doodling . . . hearts and cupid and love stuff. He walked by my desk to see his name in a heart with mine. He bent down and said he was taken. My face turned bright red.”

  —AnaLiesa

  “I’m still embarrassed about this. I grew up dirt poor. I was 12 years old, and finally able to wear a real bra. It was a han
d me down bra though from my mother’s friend. My mom put the bra in the dryer so it melted the plastic part that snaps. I only had one bra, and that was it. So, all my mom could find was a HUGE safety pin that was rusted. One day at school it was raining outside so we had to go into the gym to wait for the bell. I was sitting slumped over, and as a guy was walking by I hear ‘Ouch! Man something is coming out from her back, and it cut me.’ I was mortified. I walked real fast to the bathroom to see what had happened. The safety pin had come undone, and was sticking out of my shirt. I fixed it, and when I got out of the bathroom my friend was asking what was wrong. I just ignored her and went to class. And yes I had to wear that bra the next day, and the rest of the school year.”