Crazy, Undercover, Love

by Nikki Moore

  ‘Wine?’ My friend Lisa asks, long black hair glossy under the lights.

  ‘Vodka, straight,’ I reply grimly, ‘the bigger the better.’

  ‘Okay honey,’ she says with a sympathetic glance I ignore, ‘back in a minute.’

  Leaving me with Marc and Maggie, other old school friends, she walks gracefully to the bar, attracting attention from all sides. Lithe and pale, she’s pretty in a way that reminds me of fairies and magic.

  Tapping my fingers on the pockmarked wooden table, I catch a look passing between my friends, who’ve been a couple since we were all fifteen. ‘Stop it.’

  ‘Charley—’ Maggie sits forward, dark hair falling over her round, eager face. Marc sweeps it back, tucking it behind her ear before she has the chance to.

  PDA alert. I think of Alex. Regret sharpens my voice. ‘Don’t. Let’s have a nice evening. You know, get blind drunk and try to forget about love.’ I sigh as Marc gives Maggie a soppy smile. ‘Or not.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Marc grabs his girlfriend’s hand, his spiky bleached blond hair reminding me of a porcupine. ‘We can’t help it.’

  ‘Can’t help being madly in love?’ I arch my eyebrow. ‘I know. And I won’t ruin it for you, don’t worry.’ I stare into space. ‘I wouldn’t want to turn into one of those bitter old women who makes everyone around them miserable and ends up being eaten by her own cats.’ I pause. ‘Though, at the moment, I haven’t got a home or cats.’

  ‘Stop being so dramatic.’ Maggie smiles, ‘But if we think you’re headed that way we’ll let you know, don’t worry.’

  ‘And if you ever need comforting, I’m sure we can find a local lad more than happy to let you sit in his lap for a hug,’ Marc offers, grinning.

  The comment reminds me of Alex again and I smile sadly. No. Move on. Forget him. He’s forgotten you. Over three weeks and no contact, direct or via Jess. ‘Thanks guys,’ I reply, tone light, ‘but I know I look like crap at the moment.’

  ‘You don’t,’ Mags answers automatically, turning to Marc, ‘does she?’

  ‘Er.’ He hesitates for too long and there’s a muffled bang from beneath the table. ‘Ow!’ He flinches. ‘Of course not,’ he yelps.

  ‘Wow. Convincing.’ They’re trying too hard. It’s forced. I stand up, shrugging out of my coat. ‘Okay you two, feel free to talk amongst yourselves, I’m going to help Lisa.’

  Sloping across the room, I yank up my grey jeans. I’ve lost weight and they’re hanging off my hip bones. Joining my friend, who’s deep in giggling conversation with a random customer, I slouch against the bar. Catching sight of myself in the mirror behind the optics – face pale, shadows under my eyes prominent against my black long-sleeved top – I fix my attention on my surroundings instead.

  The pub is bigger than it looks from the outside, like the Tardis in Dr Who. It’s done out in 80s style; cream walls, red Axminster carpet, and with an intriguing variety of razor-sharp farming implements hanging from the rafters and walls. So far it’s escaped turning into one of those soulless gastro pubs. A hint of yeasty bitter mixes with the scent of cider and though there’s no cigarette smoke because of the ban, there’s a cloudy fug hanging in the air, puffing out from the open fireplace in the corner. Despite the countrified look, there’s a small stage at the front of the L-shaped room, with a microphone and screen set up. Next to it’s the battered piano I occasionally play on. My guess is Lisa will try and persuade me to bash out a few tunes tonight, though I’m really not in the mood.

  Moving home hasn’t been so bad. Although it’s hard living with my parents again, I’m in the four-room guest house at the bottom of the garden, rent-free, and have as much freedom as I want. But I’m under constant observation. Mum and Dad have repeatedly asked if I’m okay and apologised for not having the money to lend me. I keep telling them it’s all right, they’ve helped me enough, but avoiding their concerned looks and coddling is wearing. Tom’s home setting up his company and he’s doing his big brother act, interrogating me about Alex, offering more than once to track him down and do painful things to him. I’m pretty sure he’s not kidding and I know from what little he’s said previously he’s probably got mad torture skills from his time in the army. But I don’t want to hurt Alex, I just want to pretend I never met him. Hard when Tom keeps asking me questions and muttering under his breath.

  And the rest of the village … it’s just like old times. Everyone keeps rushing up and hugging me and wanting to know what happened and saying they always knew I’d be back someday. I hate it. And I’m sick of pasting a polite smile on my face. I long to run away and hide, but I’ve nowhere else to go.

  On the upside, all my old friends have welcomed me like I’ve never been away, and it’s been nice to catch up with them. I’ve been occupying myself searching for jobs and considering my options, and the pressure is off, financially, now that Jess has found a lodger to help cover the mortgage.

  But.

  But I miss my old life. I miss Jess, our flat, the good old City of London. I don’t belong here, any more than I did once upon a time, before I went on my big adventure. I wonder how many days or weeks or months until the longing for what I left behind dwindles, is a forgotten, smudged memory. How long before I will get over finding and then losing Alex.

  Because I miss Alex too.

  One thing’s for sure. The last few months have taught me a lesson. Some risks aren’t worth taking, some gambles are unevenly loaded from the beginning and you will never win however hard you play.

  Urgh. I’m getting maudlin. Snap out of it, Charley. Life goes on, it’ll get better.

  Lisa helps by thrusting two pints of beer at me for Maggie and Marc. ‘Come on. Let’s sit down with a nice glass of wine.’

  I follow on her heels. ‘But I wanted vodka!’

  Setting the drinks on the table, where Maggie and Marc are kissing like it’s an Olympic sport, she raises both eyebrows at me and hands me a glass of white. ‘Vodka makes you tearful and sloppy,’ she says, ‘and no one wants that.’

  ‘Fine,’ I grumble as I sit down, ‘but if it takes me longer to get drunk then you’re paying.’

  She slides in next to me. ‘I’ll take the chance.’

  Poking my tongue out, I take a gulp of my drink and let the alcohol flow through my veins. As they chatter around me, I drink more, feeling the wine begin to work, mellowing me like an enchanted potion. I relax back against the patterned cushions, dipping into the conversation to offer my opinions on the latest sitcom imported from the States. ‘Heap of rubbish,’ I challenge, ‘home-grown comedies are much better.’

  As I raise my glass and drain it, head tipped back, a pair of clear blue eyes catch mine. And all mellowness flees.

  Alex. Here. Now. What–?

  Coughing and spluttering, I slam the empty glass down and stand. My thighs hit the edge of the table, one of the drinks spilling and splashing all over Marc.

  ‘Charley!’ he leaps up, starts mopping himself down.

  ‘Sorry,’ I say absently.

  ‘What is it?’ Maggie frowns.

  ‘Alex.’ I narrow my eyes at him. What the hell does he want and how did he find me? ‘He’s here.’

  Immediately, all three of my friends turn round to stare at him.

  And everyone in the pub stops talking. A silence falls over the room and curious glances take in the stranger, along with my reaction. His appearance is bound to create exactly the small village gossip I dislike. Still, it’s a minor worry compared to the pain that tears through me. But I will not fall at his feet, I won’t be pathetic and needy. He’ll be here to tell me what happened with Tony. That’s all.

  He nods and lopes across the room, uncaring of the attention he’s getting. Lisa grabs hold of my hand in a gesture of solidarity as Alex halts right in front of me, tall and broad and still unbelievably gorgeous in a fitted dark grey suit and blue shirt that makes his eyes seem brighter than ever. His dark hair is longer and curls slightly at the back of his neck, damp
spots on his shoulders. It must be snowing again.

  Clenching my teeth, I try to ignore the burning sensation at the back of my eyes at the memory of what happened at his flat.

  ‘Alex,’ I say evenly, striving to be cool and breezy. ‘How did you find me?’

  ‘Your brother.’

  ‘Tom?’ He wouldn’t. ‘I don’t believe you.’

  He shrugs, squaring his shoulders. ‘Believe what you like, but he pointed me in your direction after we had a little chat.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ I cross my arms.

  He looks me head on, gaze open. ‘I told him I may have treated you in a way he didn’t like and that I regretted but, with respect, he needed to tell me where you were. That we’re not in some flaky rom-com.’ He smiles briefly, before becoming very serious, eyes like homing devices on my face, searching for a signal. ‘This is real life, and I need to see you. Finished with the fact that I’m not messing around.’

  My mouth drops open. I click it shut. From the corner of my eye, I see Lisa recovering from a similar reaction. ‘Are you crazy?’ I ask, high-pitched. ‘Do you know what he could do to you?’

  Giving me the crooked grin I like so much, he nods. I hear Maggie sigh. Marc gives her a disgusted look, and I try not to laugh.

  ‘I think so.’ Alex nods, ‘And crazy? Yes, maybe.’

  Behind him, normal life resumes, people turning back to their own conversations when there’s no immediate drama to entertain them. If only they knew the murderous thoughts running through me. I’d like to strangle Alex and Tom, the pair of them. How dare Alex turn up and put me on the spot? And how could Tom give me no warning Alex was on his way?

  Alex edges nearer the table. ‘I’m sure you’ll give him hell for it later but it doesn’t matter right now. We need to talk, Charley.’

  I can’t pretend I’m not intrigued by what he’s come all this way to say, but I don’t want to give him the chance to hurt me again. I’ve had weeks to think about that last conversation. He lied to me in Barcelona, after calling me on my lies. He was in a tight spot that day at his flat, and maybe he does like me, but not enough. Not enough to trust me. Not enough to take a chance. Not enough to see if incredible sex and laughter and understanding could turn into love. ‘Sorry, no.’ I look away from him, shaking my head.

  ‘You’re being stubborn and contrary,’ he declares.

  ‘Maybe,’ I say softly, sitting down. ‘Go home, Alex.’

  ‘No.’ He grabs a chair from a nearby table and joins us without invitation.

  I gape. ‘What are you doing?’

  He shrugs casually. ‘Waiting.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘You. To give me five minutes.’

  I harrumph and try to ignore him. I’m kind of curious how long he’ll sit there, unwanted. Turning to talk to Lisa doesn’t help because she keeps looking at him over my shoulder, wide dark eyes drinking him in.

  ‘Stop it,’ I hiss at her.

  She pouts, ‘Sorry.’

  ‘What will you do if I won’t give you five minutes?’ I turn to Alex.

  ‘Stay here until closing time or until you leave. Come back tomorrow. I know where you live now,’ he says, sounding altogether too cocky.

  ‘Stalking is a criminal offence,’ I bite, but I can see he means it. Might as well get it done. I sigh. ‘Fine, five minutes.’

  I notice he’s not wearing a coat over his suit. I guess he wasn’t bothered about the weather when he was only walking from his car to the pub. Which gives me a way to keep this mercifully brief. Maybe it’s a bit cruel, but he’ll survive.

  ‘Let’s go outside,’ I suggest, pulling my coat on and buttoning it up with a small smile.

  He glances out the window and winces, ‘Okay.’

  ‘I’ll be back in five minutes guys,’ I tell my friends, ‘and if I’m not, someone please come and get me.’ Charging over to the exit, I open the door.

  Once in the cold crisp air, I pull him away from the warmth and bustle of the pub, away from the windows and inquisitive eyes, and wrap my arms around my middle, trying not to shiver. Planting my feet in the half foot of snow, glad of my fur trimmed boots, I stare at him. ‘Okay, the clock’s ticking.’

  ‘Right.’ I can see the vapour in front of him as he breathes out. He must be freezing. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Come on then. What do you want to say?’

  ‘Charley.’ Moving closer, slipping slightly in the ice, he grabs my hands. I try to tug my fingers away but he holds tight. ‘You have to promise to listen to me properly.’

  I take a deep breath. He’s warm and familiar and I want to scooch closer to him, rest my head on his wide shoulder. But I can’t.

  ‘Charley?’

  Another shaky breath. He gave me an opportunity to explain once, it’s only fair I do the same for him. ‘I will.’

  He smiles, relieved. ‘Good.’ Pausing, he peers down into my eyes and I can’t move. ‘I’m so sorry for what happened.’

  ‘For that night at your flat? For not telling me about Layla?’

  ‘That you had such a rough time with that bastard Tony. I’d seen him the day you came round, but I wasn’t in a position to talk about it with Layla there.’

  Oh. This isn’t about us then, it’s about his responsibility to handle the professional situation. And he’s kept me waiting for weeks, knowing I was anxious to learn the outcome. Because he owes me nothing? Because he doesn’t care after all? Yet he’s here now. I’m so confused.

  ‘Right.’ I gulp down the basketball-sized lump in my throat, ‘And? What happened when you saw him?’

  ‘I knew,’ he says simply. ‘He bluffed and blustered but I knew he was lying.’

  ‘How?’ I frown.

  ‘He couldn’t look me in the eye. You said it in the note you left me, remember? I looked him straight in the eye and was certain he was being dishonest.’ He shifts, dropping my hands to grab my upper arms. ‘You always looked me in the eye, Charley, and I knew you were being truthful, as much as you could be, given the situation you were in, the situation he put you in.’ He bares his even white teeth. ‘So I called him on it and he lost his temper. Got angry and lost control. Ended up admitting it all. It got nasty after that. He said things about you that made me very angry.’ His jaw is rigid, but it could be the temperature getting to him rather than anything else.

  ‘What did you do?’ I ask breathlessly, wanting him to say he punched Tony in the mouth, defending my honour. But he’s too controlled for that and there’s still the reputation of the company and family to uphold.

  His smile gleams with a hundred per cent satisfaction. ‘I had him thrown out, removed by security. He won’t be working for me again. It’s over.’

  Nodding, I extract myself from his arms and his shadow, where he’s blocking the light from the building behind him. ‘You corroborated my version of events,’ I conclude, ‘and you feel responsible for his conduct because he was one of your employees.’ I kick my foot in the powdery snow. ‘You’ve done your bit. Well … Thank you.’

  Stepping in, lifting my chin with a chilly finger, he speaks clearly and with care. ‘Now I know without a doubt you were telling the truth, that what I felt was true. And although I don’t agree with what you set out to do that weekend, I can understand why you were so desperate. It wasn’t until I heard him say it all that it became real to me. What you’d lost, how you were treated, how awful it was for you.’

  I slide my chin from his touch. ‘Thanks, I appreciate you saying that,’ I mutter half-heartedly. I should be happy Tony’s paying the price for his behaviour, glad I now have closure and have been vindicated. But I feel nothing. It’s all bitter grey ashes in my mouth. I’ve already lost everything. It’s too late. ‘It was good of you to come,’ I say flatly. ‘You can go now.’ Stepping around him, I point out Lisa, who’s appeared in the pub doorway, ‘Your time’s up anyway.’ I wave at her to let her know I’m coming in and she tips her chin in acknowledgement, retreating inside.

/>   ‘Hang on!’ Just as I think I’m safe Alex grabs my sleeve and swings me round, pulling us together until we’re chest to chest, face to face. He’s shaking and I start to feel a little sorry for him. That’s why I don’t pull away. It is. Running gentle fingers down my face, he smooths a thumb over my cheekbone. ‘I’m not done.’

  ‘Alex—’ I sigh, ‘Please don’t.’

  ‘I know it’s taken too long for me to tell you, and I’m sorry. But there are reasons. Layla … ’

  ‘What about her?’ I ask, teeth starting to chatter.

  ‘I was going to tell you about her, I promise. I thought I had more time.’ He pulls me closer and I can’t pull away. ‘That day, I saw Tony in the morning and was supposed to finally sign the divorce papers. We’d agreed joint custody, with a court order in place alongside it. I planned to tell you about Tony that evening and about Layla in due course, once … I wanted to celebrate my divorce – and freedom – with you. Go on proper dates, explore what was happening between us. I needed to know if you would even be interested in me any more, coming as part of a package deal.’ I open my mouth to answer but he shushes me. I let him, because after feeling so bleak for so long, some of the colour is starting to seep back into my world. ‘You’re so focused on rebuilding your career, and I know you want to go travelling at some point, so I wasn’t sure. But I would have found a time to tell you properly. You need to believe that.’ His blue eyes gaze into mine and I can read the conviction in them.

  I nod, wrapping my hands around his wrists. They’re still hot despite the freezing temperature. ‘So tell me what happened.’

  He expels a breath, another vaporous cloud. ‘Louise wouldn’t sign. Got really angry. Wouldn’t accept there was no settlement and claimed the maintenance I was going to pay her for Layla wasn’t enough. I called her bluff and she walked out.’ He shakes his head, scowling. ‘I was frantic, was thinking, this is never going to end, I’m not going to see my daughter grow up and I will never be free of Louise. I went home and got changed and was expecting you and was in a complete sodding mess because of my bloody ex and then she turned up and left Layla with me. If you want our brat that badly you can have her.'