The Disappearance of Ember Crow

by Ambelin Kwaymullina

When Georgie and I had arrived in the Firstwood four and a half years ago, Ember was already here. A runaway, the same as the rest of us. Only she’d run with her dad, and he’d died on the way to the forest. I thought back to that first conversation, trying to remember exactly what I’d said that had made such a difference to Ember. She’d been heartbroken over losing her dad. And I’d known what it was like to be knocked out by grief, because my little sister had died right before I left Gull City. The difference was that I’d had someone who needed me to get back up again. I’d had Georgie.

  And, suddenly, I knew the six words that had made Ember want to live.

  I needed space to breathe for this. I glanced at the others, my gaze skittering past Connor to rest somewhere between Georgie and Daniel. “Can you all move away a bit?”

  Everyone stepped back and then, when I kept staring, stepped back further still. I slid to the ground, the rock in my hands. The earth was damp, but there was no point in trying to stay on my feet. The memory would be overwhelming; they always were.

  Pack Leader padded over and lay down beside me. I am here. I wanted to reach out and ruffle his fur. I didn’t. He wasn’t a pet. Instead I nodded at him, and he gave me a toothsome grin in return.

  I held the rock up to my mouth, cupping it between my hands.

  “You’re not alone,” I whispered. “You’ve got us.”

  Energy emanated from the stone, buzzing into my hands, up my arms and spreading through my head.

  And I was yanked into a moment in Ember’s life.

  THE MESSAGE

  I placed the mirror on the ground and sat cross-legged in front of it. The solar lamp to the right of the glass cast enough light through the gloomy interior of the storage unit for me to see my reflection – short red curls, mismatched eyes and a worried expression. This was how Ash would see me when she accessed this memory. I attempted a smile, only rather than making me look less anxious, it made me seem slightly crazed.

  Giving up on the smile, I spoke instead. “Hi, Ash. This memory is a message. From me to you. I’m going to give it to Nicky – that’s the dog – to take to you, and it’s to show you … I mean, to tell you …”

  My words were tangled, like my emotions and thoughts. I took a moment to unravel some of the knottiness that was twisting my stomach and tried again. “I know you’ve experienced someone else’s memories before, but that was different. The last time you saw small snapshots of Connor’s life. This is … more. You’ll understand every second of what I’m thinking and feeling.”

  There, that was better. An explanation. I was good at explanations. I went on in a more confident tone, “It’s like this, Ash. You and I both know that there is no rebel Illegal who calls himself the Serpent, except someone claiming to be that person is appearing at rallies against the Citizenship Accords. And from the descriptions we’ve heard of him, I might know who he is.”

  Had I said too much? I didn’t think so, but I was walking a very fine line. If I ran into – I jerked my thoughts away from names. If I ran into certain people, I wanted to be able to say that I hadn’t told Ashala anything about them. Because it was difficult to lie to them. Not impossible, but not easy, and I didn’t want to take any chances.

  “Ash, if the Serpent is who I think he is, then there could be these other people around him, and some of them are … they’re bad people. If he’s alone, I’ll, um, sort some things out with him, and be back before you know it. If he’s not …” I stopped speaking, because I had to. My voice had begun to waver in anticipation of how the sentence ended. I completed it silently instead. If he’s not, I don’t know when I’m coming home. That was why I was saying goodbye.

  Reaching out, I pressed my fingers to the cold glass and called up memories, letting them play out in my head. One memory after another, of things I’d experienced since the day I first met Ashala Wolf. Discovering my connection to the huge black crows that stared beadily down from the trees of the Firstwood. The good times Ash and Georgie and I shared, first with the three of us, and then with others when more Illegals came to the Firstwood. Our triumph over Neville Rose, Chief Administrator of Detention Centre 3. We’d snatched sixteen detainees out from under his nose and exposed his plan to take over the government of Gull City. That had been six months ago now. After that, it seemed as though the Tribe could do anything. I hoped they could. I hoped they’d be all right, if I was really gone forever.

  I smiled, a genuine smile this time, for all that happiness. A smile for the forest. For my crows. For my friends. For Ash.

  “Look after Nicky, won’t you? And please don’t try to find me. If I stay away, it’s because I’ve chosen to.” She would try, I knew that, but she wouldn’t succeed. At least, not in locating me, although it was inevitable that she’d discover some of the knowledge I’d hoped never to have to share.

  The glass in front of me was growing misty. I blinked back the tears. “However this ends, you’re probably going to find out some things about me, and they’re not nice things. But, Ash, even after you know, do you think you could remember the good? And whatever you end up discovering – try to think of me kindly. If you can.”

  THE PLAN

  Blackness. Then light. Dirt. Trees.

  I am Ashala, and I am in the Firstwood.

  That much was clear. Nothing else was.

  What did she mean, “not nice things”? And how could she have hidden her suspicions about the man claiming to be the Serpent?

  “Ash?”

  Georgie’s voice. I stared past Pack Leader to where Connor and Daniel and Georgie stood. Their faces were better than a mirror for showing me a reflection; I could measure exactly how bad I looked by the flare of concern in their eyes, the way Connor took a single step before stumbling to a halt, uncharacteristically graceless. I’d pushed him away, and now he wasn’t sure how I’d react if he came any closer. I was sorry he’d stopped. I stomped on that feeling.

  He deserved better than me.

  “Ash!” Georgie again. “Has something happened to Ember?”

  She was afraid. I couldn’t let Georgie be afraid. “She’s okay. Or she was when the memory happened. Only …” I let one hand fall to the ground, crept my fingers across the earth until I was touching Pack Leader’s fur. “I don’t think she’s coming back. Not anytime soon.”

  “Why not?” Georgie sounded as bewildered as I’d felt a moment ago.

  “I don’t know!”

  Even I could hear the edge of desperation in my voice. Pack Leader turned his head in my direction and huffed reprovingly. Get a hold of yourself. I drew back, a little hurt – and realised that expecting him to coddle me at this moment was a human reaction. Wolves didn’t fall to pieces when one of their own was gone. If a Pack member died, that was to be mourned and accepted. But if one was missing …

  I reached back, gripping the tree, and hauled myself up. My legs were trembling, made shaky by too many shocks, but I made it all the way upright. Then I stepped away from the tuart and staggered.

  Daniel started forwards to help.

  Connor caught his arm, spoke in a sharp voice. “No. Leave her.”

  To anyone else that might have sounded cruel. Not to me. I regained my balance and met Connor’s eyes in a bittersweet moment of understanding.

  In my head, a wolf yipped, flinging out a challenge to the world. I understood what I was hearing now. The wolf-voice was Connor’s emotions. He and I were linked, and had been ever since Ember helped us share memories. Sometimes I felt what he was feeling and sometimes he felt what I was. Maybe that means Em and I are linked now too? Except she’d said once that her ability worked differently when it was one of her own memories, and if I could feel what she was feeling, I wasn’t conscious of it. All I was aware of right now was Connor’s emotions and mine.

  We both knew that it was time for me to lead my Pack.

  “Ember …” My voice was hoarse, weak. I frowned and began again. “Ember said in the memory that if she didn’t come bac
k, it would be because she’d chosen to stay away. I think she’s trying to protect us.”

  “Protect us from what?” Georgie asked.

  “I’m not exactly sure.” I gathered pieces of information together. “People connected with the fake Serpent. And she also said …” My voice trailed off. It was hard to tell them the rest. I fought the ridiculous urge to protect Em from criticism and shoved words out of my mouth. “She said she thought she might know who the guy pretending to be the Serpent is.”

  Daniel and Connor spoke as one. “Who?”

  “She didn’t say. She didn’t say anything else really.”

  My chest tightened in a familiar sensation, as if a rock was sitting on my heart. If it got much heavier, I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

  “Do you know if she met up with the Serpent?” Connor asked.

  I shook my head.

  “If she’s still searching for him, we could try to find her at the next rally,” he pointed out. “And even if Ember – or the Serpent – aren’t there, there’ll be people at that rally who were at the last one. Someone might have seen who she was with, where she went.”

  An idea. The weight on my chest grew lighter.

  “Does anyone know when the next rally is?”

  “A month and a bit,” Daniel answered. “We haven’t gone through the things in her lab yet either.”

  Two ideas. I scrabbled for another and found one. “Have you tried talking to the crows?”

  “Not yet.”

  I swivelled, scanning the trees. There! A big glossy one perched in the distance. A male, I could tell by the red eyes. I focused my attention on the bird and yelled, “Hey, crow!”

  The crow didn’t move. He didn’t seem to know I was there at all. Or maybe he couldn’t understand what I was saying. It wasn’t always possible to communicate with someone else’s animal.

  I tried again. “Ember’s gone. You must know that she’s left the Firstwood, and wherever she is, I think she might be in trouble. Can you help us find her?”

  The crow just sat there, silent and – smug? I got the distinct feeling he was ignoring me on purpose, and he didn’t seem to be a bit concerned about Ember. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Crows weren’t Pack animals the way wolves were. They were independent, contrary creatures, and Ember was part-crow to them, like I was part-wolf to the wolves. They’d assume she was clever enough to take care of herself. Crows thought they were clever enough to outwit anyone or anything.

  “We could get Keiko to talk to them,” Georgie suggested. “Or Coral.”

  Those two were Chirpers, bird-speakers. I wasn’t sure they’d have any luck either. It was still worth a try. “I guess we’ll have to.”

  “We could check the storage unit as well,” Daniel said. “I did search it after I found the note, in case there was something else there. But I could go back.”

  I considered that. Ember had been inside the unit in the memory, although that had probably been before Daniel had gone through it. She certainly wouldn’t be there now, though, and I doubted she’d have been careless enough to leave something behind.

  “We’ll start with the lab,” I said. Where Ember probably hadn’t left any clues either. “And then the rally.” Which was a month and a bit away. None of this was a very good plan. But it was all I had. I tried to think if there was anything I’d missed, and remembered something else. “What happened to the dog who brought the message? Is someone looking after him?”

  “About ten someones,” Connor replied. “All of the younger kids.”

  That was all right then. Tribe children knew how to take care of an animal.

  “Ash?” Georgie touched my arm. “I could try to see.”

  I glanced at her, and she added brightly, “Because if we knew where she was going to be, we could be there before she is.”

  It was a nice offer, except I knew the limitations of Georgie’s ability. At any given moment there were thousands of possible futures, and it was hard for her to control which future she saw into, or for how long. Nor was it easy to interpret her visions.

  On the other hand I wasn’t overwhelmed with options.

  “That’s a good idea, Georgie. Any clue might be–”

  I sputtered to a halt as a sudden gust of wind blew a leaf into my mouth. The wind grew stronger, and branches waved above me. This time I understood the words made by the rustling leaves.

  Granddaughter, Granddaughter …

  The Serpent. My Serpent. The giant snake who lived in the lake and was my many-times grandfather. In the old world, the one that had been destroyed by the Reckoning, the Serpent had created my people, my “race”. It was hard to believe that humans used to care about things like different-shaped eyes, or different-coloured skin. Now all that mattered was the line between Citizen, Exempt and Illegal.

  Grandpa had been trying to contact me for days, only I hadn’t understood. Or maybe I hadn’t wanted to understand. He was part of the human life that I’d been trying to leave behind. I was never going to forgive myself if he wanted to tell me something about Ember.

  I shouted into the air, “I’m coming.”

  Daniel eyed me warily, and Georgie with curiosity. They thought I was talking at nothing.

  “It’s her grandfather,” Connor explained. “He wants to see her.”

  How had he known that? Usually no one else could hear Grandpa. I stared at him, puzzled. He stared back, revealing nothing.

  “Georgie and I can go to the caves while you’re at the lake,” Daniel said. “I’ll search the lab.”

  “And I’ll try to find Em. In the future,” Georgie put in.

  “Go ahead and try,” I told her. “But, Daniel, leave the lab to me. I was the one who was in there most, besides Ember. If there’s something out of place, I’m more likely to spot it.” It was a good reason, only it wasn’t quite the truth. If there were not nice things about Ember to be discovered, I should be the one to find them. Whatever they were, I’d understand, and I’d explain to everyone else so they understood as well. “Do the rest of the Tribe know she’s gone?”

  “They know she’s away,” Daniel replied. “Not that she’s missing.”

  “Then don’t ask the Chirpers to talk to the crows yet. It’ll panic everybody, and I doubt those birds are going to much help anyway. I’ll go through the lab first.”

  Daniel nodded. He brushed his hand against Georgie’s arm, and the two of them walked away, strolling into the forest together.

  I shifted to face Connor. “Can you … um …”

  He folded his arms. “I am coming with you.”

  I toyed with the idea of sending him back to the caves. He won’t go. And Ember had once said I should never give an order that I thought might not be obeyed. Yeah right. Be honest, Ash. You don’t want him to leave.

  My gaze shifted to Pack Leader, who was still sitting beneath the tree. He rolled to his feet and came over to butt his head against my leg. Telling me I had to go back to being human. He’d always known that I would, I realised. It was why he’d stopped me from hunting. The Tribe didn’t eat the flesh of animals. We couldn’t. It would break the Pact I’d made with the trees when I’d first come here, to care for the forest and all the life in it.

  I stared down into Pack Leader’s yellow eyes. For over a month, I’d run with him. It had been glorious. But it wasn’t my world. Reaching out, I brushed my hand lightly over his ears. “In another life.”

  His jaw dropped into a grin. For a second, I could almost see it, an existence where I’d been born into the clarity of thought and intensity of sensation that was wolf.

  Then he turned away from me, and loped back to the den.

  I turned away from him, and strode into the Firstwood.

  THE LAKE

  We walked through crisp morning air, Connor matching his pace to mine. I stole a quick glance at him. There was something different about how he looked, something not quite right, only I wasn’t sure what. I tried to puzzle it out. Hi
s hair was falling over his sculpted face as usual, and he was wearing what he always wore, the greeny-brown shirt and pants that he’d dyed himself. The colour made it difficult to see him against the trees. Connor tended to think in terms of a defensive advantage, a habit he’d got into when he’d been an enforcer … and it dawned on me. It was the way he was moving that was wrong. Too tense, too contained. Exactly how he’d walked when he was an enforcer.

  Connor had worked for the government for years, pretending to be a Citizen, all part of a plan to strike back at the man who killed his mother. Then that man died of a stroke and Connor had joined the Tribe. He normally moved easily here, weaving between the trees and loping across the ground with the rise and fall of the earth. The only other person who fit in so completely with the Firstwood was … well, me.

  Now he was separate. Walking in the forest and not with it. Keeping too many emotions shut away.

  Or maybe he was in pain.

  Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Is your arm okay?”

  “It’s fine. Penelope Mended it. You know that.”

  Eight words, and every one bitten out. I shouldn’t have asked about his arm. “You don’t have to come with me, you know. I can do this alone.”

  “Yes, you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t want me around.”

  “Because it’s dangerous for you!” The memory of blood and splintered bone flashed through my mind. My stomach lurched. “I broke your arm.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” he replied in a tone edged with impatience. “Your ability was going haywire; you weren’t in control.”

  “You think that makes it better? Being out of control of an ability like mine?”

  Sleepwalking was a powerful but unpredictable talent. When I used it, I experienced everything as part of a vivid dream, and whatever changes I made in my dream really happened in the world around me. Except since I always thought I was only dreaming, and didn’t know I was affecting reality, I could decide to do some strange things.

  And now I wasn’t having dreams at all. “The nightmares … Connor, I can’t tell a friend from an enemy when I’m Sleepwalking anymore. I could have snapped you in half, and I don’t want to hurt you.”