Heart Breaths

by Hendin, KK

It was both adorably sweet and incredibly odd at the same time—but if that was what you could afford for a honeymoon, it was a great deal. I hoped that their room was a little nicer than mine.

  But then, it didn’t seem that they were sleeping too much for it to make a difference.

  “Well, congratulations,” I said. “You both look very happy.” And sound that way, too, I added to myself.

  “Thank you,” Chuck said, reaching to pull Amelia into his arms. “We best be going now. Is everything okay?”

  Going meant out, right? God, I hoped so. I was never going to get any sleep at this rate. “Everything’s great. Thanks again, Chuck.” I opened my door. “Have a nice night.”

  Closing the door behind me, I dragged the side table to the door. I wasn’t trusting just the chair to do the job this time. And if Bob decided to come and visit, there was no guarantee that Chuck would be around to save me again.

  The room next door was still quiet. Crawling into bed, I clutched a pillow in my hands as I fought the demons of my past and tried to fall asleep.

  Don’t find me, please, I prayed soundlessly to the memories that haunted me. I don’t know if I can live with you anymore.

  ”It’s all her fault, anyway.”

  “You can’t say something like that about Maddie! It wasn’t her fault. Accidents happen.”

  “This wasn’t an accident—this was sheer stupidity. You murderous bitch.”

  “Leave her alone! Don’t you think this hurts her, too?”

  “You killed them! You killed them, you horrible bitch! Get out of my house!”

  I shot up in bed, struggling to free myself from the twisted sheets covered in my sweat and heartbreak.

  Their voices haunted me. I could barely stand. I don’t know how I got out of there, with their voices echoing through my bones. I didn’t remember how to breathe. But I didn’t know if I wanted to, either.

  How many times would I have to go through this? I thought I was over it, but the betrayal triggered everything again. I had to relive it every day—with every pitying glance, with every deliberate caress…

  This is why you left, Maddie, I told myself fiercely.

  This is why you had to get out of there.

  It seemed that no matter how hard I had tried to escape my memories, they followed me here. The sounds of Chuck and Amelia started again, and I flopped back down on the bed. It was four-fifteen in the morning. I couldn’t stay here anymore.

  I changed into something other than pajamas, and repacked my bags. Hoping nobody would wake up from the noise, I moved all the furniture back to where it belonged. There was no way I was going to get a good night’s sleep now.

  Climbing into the car, I fumbled and turned on the engine. I headed toward the center of town, my headlights almost the only light guiding me. Nothing was open, and nobody was out. I clicked on my turn signal, even though there was nobody to signal to, and drove down toward the beach. Stumbling out of the car, I walked until I collapsed into the cool sand. Maybe the ocean would be enough to help me fight my demons until the sun came up.

  “We’ll go to the beach, Mads. Family vacation.”

  “Which beach? Coney Island?”

  “No, silly. We’ll go down somewhere where the water is actually warm.”

  “And stay in a beach house?”

  “Of course,” he said, smiling down at me and rubbing my swollen belly. “What would a summer vacation be without a beach house?”

  We never made it to the beach house by the ocean.

  Reaching down, I grabbed a handful of sand and let it sift through my fingers. It had been three years. And now I was at the beach without them.

  “I’m here now,” I whispered to the wind. “Tell me what I should do now, Ravi. Tell me how to put myself back together again.”

  But there was no answer.

  There never was.

  Lying back in the sand, I stared up at the star-filled sky, and wondered if I would ever be okay again.

  “Uh, miss?”

  “Daddy, it’s friend!”

  “Noie, she’s sleeping. Miss, are you okay?”

  I opened my eyes to see a startling green pair looking down at me. “Are you okay?” he asked again, looking concerned. And like he had just rolled out of bed. Was I dreaming? Because dreaming about him was a welcome change from the usual nightmares I had. Those never had guys who looked like a darker version of Thor. Which was a shame. Thor dreams didn’t end with me waking up screaming.

  “I’m fine,” I said, struggling to sit up. He crouched down and offered me a hand. I took it and felt my nerves explode in awareness. There was no way this was a dream. I hoped it wasn’t. “What time is it?”

  “Around six-thirty.” He was still holding my hand.

  The sun was leisurely making its way into the sky, startlingly different than the darkness I had driven through a few hours before. I must have fallen asleep. Snap out of it, Maddie. “I’m fine, thanks.” I repeated. Reluctantly letting go of his hand, I made a show of brushing the sand off my shirt so he wouldn’t notice my hand was trembling. “Am I trespassing or anything?”

  “No, but you were sleeping on a public beach.” He eyed me warily as Noie bounced around, a little too hyper for six-thirty in the morning.

  “I’m fine,” I repeated, again. “I was only sleeping for a few minutes.” If by a few minutes you meant two hours. Whatever. From the expression on his face, that probably wasn’t the right answer.

  “Friend!” Noie said as she bounced over to me.

  I smiled, shaky. “Hi, Noie.”

  Gabe gave me one last look. “Come on, Noie, back to the house,” he said.

  Noie scowled up at him. “No, Daddy, want to stay here!” she protested, crossing her arms and looking adorably stubborn.

  “Noie, in the house. We’ve been outside long enough this morning, and you haven’t eaten breakfast yet,” he said, clearly used to her stubbornness.

  “Want to play with Devi,” she said. “And she doesn’t want to come inside.”

  Gabe ran his hand through his hair, exasperated. “Honey, Devi will come inside later, okay?”

  Devi.

  The blood drained from my face. “Devi?” I asked, hearing my voice tremble.

  “Her imaginary friend,” he explained. “Come on, Noie, in the house.”

  Noie scrunched up her face, and looked at me seriously. “Devi stays with you now.” With that, she reached her hands up to her father, who picked her up.

  “You sure you’re okay?” he asked, looking down at me.

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  Giving me one last inscrutable look, he turned and made his way back to the street, while I sat there, shaking. It was a coincidence. It had to be.

  Chapter · Four

  The café was just as busy again that morning as it had been the day before. “You’re early this morning, Maddie, my love!” Grandma Evelyn called as I walked toward the counter. “What can I get you on this fine morning?”

  “A coffee would be great,” I said, hoping the caffeine would help restore the balance that I seemed to have lost again.

  “Give me a minute,” she said. Nodding absentmindedly, I looked around the café, seeing a few familiar faces. There was a sign on the window, taped up from the inside. Curiosity getting the better of me, I walked back outside to read the sign.

  Waitress needed. Inquire within.

  Thinking about my dwindling bank account, I walked back into the café, just as Grandma Evelyn was returning with my cup of coffee. Paying her for the cup, I stood there awkwardly, trying to figure out how to best approach the subject.

  “I saw the sign in the window,” I began, trying not to sound nervous. Did I really even want to work in a café as a waitress? I did, I realized. It felt right in a way nothing had in a while. The way no job had in years.

  “My waitress sign?” she asked, wiping down the counter and waving hello to the man who had just walked in. “It’s going to get busy
once all the summer people come, and even though that’s not for a while, I figured that this year would be a good one to add some help.” She looked at me. “You interested, Maddie?”

  “I think so.”

  “Well, it’s the middle of the breakfast rush, and Lord knows I don’t want anyone starving on my watch. Come back at around nine fifteen and we’ll have ourselves a chat.”

  “Thanks,” I said, clutching my cup of coffee. “I’ll be back.”

  “Here, let’s sit down for this. I’ve been running around like a chicken without a head all morning,” Grandma Evelyn said as she walked over to the table in the corner. My table, I suppose.

  “So, Maddie,” she said, looking at me expectantly. “Have you waitressing experience?”

  “A bit,” I said. “But I haven’t in years.”

  “Not to sound rude, darling, but how old are you?”

  “Twenty-one,” I answered. Physically, that was. Emotionally? Mentally? Eighty-seven.

  “Well, I suppose I should show you around the back of the café,” she said, standing up.

  Standing up, I followed her toward the back. Did this mean I was hired? That had to have been the shortest job interview I had ever had.

  She looked me up and down. “Maddie,” she said slowly. “What’s your full name, Maddie?”

  I swallowed. Well, there was no reason for her not to know. “Madeline Darlington-Gray,” I replied.

  She nodded her head approvingly, as though my parents had done exactly the right thing by naming me.

  “I assume you are looking for accommodations,” Grandma said after the tour of the back of the café.

  I thought of the last few nights I spent at the Creepy Motel. “Well, yes, I suppose,” I said, grimacing at the thought of having to return and see Creepy Perv Motel Guy Bob again.

  “Excellent,” said Grandma. “Now, there is an apartment on the top floor of this building,” she began. “And since I already had my house with James, God rest his soul, I never used it, unless I was mad at him. I’ve only really rented it out once, seeing as it’s on top of the store and such, but I figure it would be a good place as any for you to live. I’ll charge you rent and all that, but it will definitely make your way to work a lot shorter.”

  Why was she just offering me an apartment like that? It was bizarre enough she was just going to hire me straight away, no references or anything, but an apartment? Was this some sort of Southern thing, or was something else going on here?

  “Um, the motel is okay, thanks,” I said. Okay, it wasn’t really, but the alternative seemed moving into this apartment on top of the store. Which possibly had dead bodies hiding in the closet or something equally horrible.

  People didn’t just go and do nice things like rent an apartment to a random stranger unless they had a good reason. And being nice didn’t really count as a good reason.

  Her eyebrows raised. “You sure? My last tenant moved out a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been empty since.”

  “What happened to your last tenant?”

  “She decided that the painting would be better in Georgia,” she said. “Which is a shame, because she was a damn good waitress. You’ve been staying at the motel the past few nights?”

  I nodded, faltering. Maybe saying yes to the apartment wouldn’t be such a bad idea. “So, the apartment kind of comes with the job?” I asked.

  “I thought that was clear,” she said. “It makes the commute to work about as short as possible without you livin’ in the kitchen. And you won’t have to deal with that creep, Bob, and whatever STDs he lets just float around that damn motel.”

  I nearly choked trying to keep from laughing out loud.

  “Are you absolutely sure that it’s okay for me to live up there?” I asked hesitantly. Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes and mean it.

  Grandma swatted me lightly with her towel before tucking it back into her waistband. “Would I have offered it to you if the answer was no, Madeline?” she asked. “Maybe that’s the kind of nonsense y’all pull in wherever you’re from, but honey, I have no damn time for nonsense like that.”

  I was getting choked up. Again. Why was I such a cry baby? “Thank you, Grandma.”

  Turning, she pulled me into a hug. “My pleasure,” she said, in a voice that said she knew more than I was telling her. “This is a good place to heal, you know.”

  “I hope so,” I whispered back. Because if anyone needed healing, it was me.

  The next few days were a blur of learning my way around the café, and moving to the little apartment that smelled like pastries. I had graduated from pouring coffee to helping with prep in the kitchen, watching Grandma whip together one magical dish after another. By the end of the week, I was settled into my little apartment, and I was able to eat an entire sandwich for lunch and keep it down.

  I still had nightmares, but I figured I always would. They were part of me, I supposed.

  And thankfully, nobody called. Which would have been hard, considering I had thrown my phone out the window in the middle of a highway in New Jersey and hadn’t bought another one. But my past stayed up north, even though my memories had trickled down and found me, surrounded by sand and cake flour.

  I could slowly feel myself calming. But no matter how hard I tried, that early morning beach conversation with Noie kept on replaying itself in my head. She’s a little girl, I told myself, more than once. It didn’t mean anything.

  It couldn’t mean anything.

  I couldn’t let it.

  “Friend!” Noie raced through the café and threw herself at my legs, snapping me out of my useless mental wanderings.

  “Hi, Noie,” I said, reaching down to hug her.

  “Chocolate milk today?” she asked hopefully.

  “Who brought you here today?” I asked, looking around for Sam. “You have to ask them.”

  “Daddy!” she said, smiling up at me. “Daddy said I could have chocolate milk.”

  Reaching down, I picked her up, savoring the feeling of holding a little girl again. “Well, how about we wait till Daddy comes to ask him?”

  “Ask Daddy what?” There was Gabe, with the same look on his face.

  What had I done that he kept looking at me like that? There were only two looks I ever got from Gabe. One was so heated, I was afraid it would melt the counter, and the other was this one. The one that looked like he was mad at me. Like I had done something wrong.

  I had done something wrong. I had done a lot of somethings wrong. The question was, which one did he know about?

  “Daddy, Friend said I can have chocolate milk,” Noie said, snuggling her head into the crook of my neck.

  “No, Maddie said that you have to ask your Daddy,” I corrected, tightening my hold on her. It hurt so much to hold her. And it felt so right.

  “Well, I did say that she could have some chocolate milk,” he said, smiling. He had a dimple. I swallowed hard.

  “See?” Noie said, poking me and giggling. “Daddy even said.”

  “Yes, he did,” I said, turning toward her and rubbing my nose against hers. Eskimo kisses. “And I think I might even have a pink straw for you.”

  Her eyes widened with happiness as she squeezed me again. “Pink is my best color,” she said, grinning happily. “Also Devi’s.”

  There it was again. It had been her favorite color.

  “You don’t have to hold her,” Gabe said. “It’s really okay.”

  “I don’t mind,” I said. “Unless you do.”

  He shook his head, slightly bemused. “She’s not normally this friendly with strangers,” he said, sounding confused.

  “Sam mentioned that,” I shifted her onto my hip expertly and began to prepare the chocolate milk. “I’m pretty surprised.”

  “You’re not a stranger,” Noie said, patting my cheeks. “You’re Devi’s friend, and also my friend.”

  A phone rang, distracting me from having to think too hard about what Noie just said. It was
Gabe’s. I watched him pick up his phone, transforming from a tired-looking dad to a businessman. I couldn’t hear what he was saying with Noie chattering into my ear and the blender going, but something about a rescheduled appointment with the owners, and updated plans.

  Pouring the chocolate milk into a cup, I popped in a pink straw and handed it over to Noie, whose eyes practically fell out of her head in excitement.

  “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! It’s a pink straw!” she called excitedly, running over to him and tugging on his pants leg. Ending the phone call, he looked down and smiled at her excitement, dimple flashing, his face going from really good looking to ohmygod gorgeous.

  His wife was a lucky woman. But why was he looking at me like that if he was married? Was I just imagining the heated looks, or did he just eye-smolder all the women in this town?

  “It is a pink straw,” he agreed, smiling down at her. “Did you say thank you to Maddie?”

  The sound of his voice saying my name gave me shivers.

  Quit it, Maddie! The last thing you need to do right now is start lusting after a married guy.

  You know better than that.

  You know so much better.

  Waving goodbye as they left the store, I sank wearily against the counter. Coming here was supposed to fix me. It was supposed to make me forget about everything I had left behind.

  And standing there in the café, I realized something a lot of other people had learned the hard way, too. Changing your location doesn’t necessarily mean losing your problems. They’ll show up wherever you are, changing to fit the situation. But until you break them down and deal with it, there is nowhere far enough for you to run away from them.

  Chapter · Five

  I gradually started to get into the rhythm of the café, working with Grandma, remembering orders of customers, and keeping track of cooking times while making sure everyone had something to eat. It was a lot different, running around the café, than my years in school. I went through the same inquisition with most of the locals when they came into the café—who was I, where was I from, what was I doing here… I answered as little as I could, but enough that I wasn’t going to be labeled the rude Northern gal. The quiet Northern gal? That didn’t bother me so much. I was okay letting myself melt into the crowd of oblivion, watching the world turn from the outside. I didn’t think I had it in me to be right in the middle of everything else.