Heart Breaths

by Hendin, KK

  The one constant was Sam, Noie’s aunt. Every morning, she dropped in to the café on her way to work at the beauty salon to pick up her cup of coffee and to have a morning chat. She was impossible to not be friends with—Sam was the kind of girl who could become friends with dangerous criminals if she ever stumbled across them. For her sake, I hoped she never did.

  “I’ve been thinking, Maddie,” she said one day, leaning against the counter as I poured her cup of coffee.

  “Oh, Lord,” I muttered, and watched her laugh. Slipping into friendship with Sam was one of the easiest things I had done in years. “Now I’m scared.”

  “Oh, phooey,” she scoffed, waving a hand carelessly. “It’s brilliant.”

  “Okay, go for it.” I handed her a cup of coffee.

  “You need a makeover,” she declared.

  “Uh, no,” I said. “I don’t need any making over. None at all.”

  “Maddie,” she drawled, batting her eyelashes at me and turning on the puppy dog look. “It’s almost summer. It practically is summer—”

  “Sam, February is not almost summer. I don’t care where you live.”

  She waved a hand airily. “Whatever. It’s almost spring then, okay? Of course you need a makeover—you can’t expect to find any guy here if you’re just going to walk around looking…” She looked me up and down. “Like that.”

  I looked down at myself. Old, faded T-shirt. Jeans. Converse sneakers. Dark, wavy hair in a ponytail. Purple eyes, ringed by eyeliner, which was about as far as I was going to go in the makeup department. No jewelry.

  Okay, I wasn’t exciting, but I also was not looking for any guys here. No guys. Period.

  “I’m not looking for a guy, Sam.”

  “What, you have a boyfriend already?” she asked. “And you didn’t tell me yet?”

  I laughed bitterly. “No boyfriends,” I said. “None to tell you about.”

  We were so not going down that road.

  Sam’s face fell. “Oh, I got so excited for a second!” she said. Her face quickly brightened. “See? Now you totally need a makeover!”

  I rolled my eyes. “No,” I said. “No makeovers. No haircuts, no highlights, no manicures, no facials, no new blush and lipstick and blah, blah, blah, no.”

  “Well, that was quite the list,” a deep voice from behind Sam said, sounding amused. Gabe.

  If Sam was the reason I was in a pretty good mood every morning, Gabe was the reason I was in a never-ending battle with my hormones. Which did nothing good for my sanity, because lusting after married men was a dangerous thing.

  “Gabe, tell Maddie that she needs a makeover,” Sam said, turning to her brother and pouting.

  Gabe’s eyebrow raised. “I am not getting involved in this conversation. There is no right answer for that one without doing something wrong.”

  I smothered a smile. He was right. Saying I needed a makeover would be weird, and saying I didn’t could be misconstrued as a line. “Why don’t you just give Gabe’s wife a makeover?” I asked, turning to fill another cup of coffee up for Gabe.

  There was silence.

  I turned back around, holding the cup of coffee, and looked at the two of them curiously. “I’m not married,” Gabe said stiffly.

  This made me way happier than it should have. “Well, then, give Noie a makeover,” I said, trying not to make things any more awkward than I had just made them.

  His eyebrow raised again. “She’s not even three yet. And you want her to get a makeover?”

  What was the big deal? I glared back. “Sam can curl her hair and paint her nails pink,” I said. “Little girls love things like that.”

  He shrugged. “Don’t use my kid as a way of getting out of a makeover.”

  It was just a manicure and a blow dry, for God’s sake. What was he getting so worked up about? “I wasn’t,” I snapped, on edge. “I was just suggesting.”

  Sam looked back and forth between the two of us, a puzzled expression on her face. “And y’all think I’m a monster before I get to my coffee,” she said. “Neither of you should ever be allowed outside before drinking yours.”

  I winced. Customer service. Customer is always right, even when he’s being a jerk for no reason. Maybe the lack of wife thing was a touchy subject for him—that I understood. But I wasn’t going there. I could barely talk to him without being triggered in some way, somehow. He reminded me too much of Ravi, which broke me every time he walked into the café. Grandma Evelyn would be pissed if I started making enemies with the locals. Plastering back on a smile, I handed Gabe the cup of coffee. “You’re right,” I said to Sam. “I haven’t had time to drink my morning cup.”

  “See?” she said, laughing. “Well, go pour yourself one, Ms. Sourpuss.”

  Dutifully, I poured a cup of coffee, having no intention of drinking it. Caffeine had no effect on me whatsoever. My mood had nothing to do with any lack of coffee, but more with the strangely infuriating man with a daughter who haunted me.

  “I’m going over to work,” Sam said as she turned to leave. “Now, you think about that makeover, you hear?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said, waving as she left me alone at the front counter with Gabe.

  Shit.

  “Is there anything else I can get you?” I asked, trying to maintain my façade of happy customer service when all I really wanted to do was crawl under the covers upstairs and cry until I had no more tears left inside me. And if I happened to drown myself in the process, so be it.

  His green eyes perused the display case, and turned back to me. He saw too much, I thought, as he looked at me calmly. He knew too much, and I didn’t know how. “How much for the coffee?” he asked, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.

  “On the house,” I said as I reached into the display case to pull out a little pink frosted cake pop. “Along with the coffee. There was no need for me to be rude.”

  He looked down at the cake pop and then back at me. “Don’t worry,” I repeated. “I’ll pay for it—I’m not taking a cut out of Grandma’s profits. The cake pop is for Noie.”

  His eyes narrowed. “It’s okay. I can pay for my own coffee.”

  “I’m not questioning the fact that you probably have a dollar twenty-five in your wallet,” I countered as sweetly as I could. “It’s an apology for being rude, and I do hope you’ll take it.”

  He studied me for a few moments, as if trying to figure out what I was hiding. “Just a friendly apologetic gesture,” I said. “Hope you have a good day at work and such.”

  Slowly picking up the bag with the cake pop and picking back up his coffee, he looked at me again. “Thank you,” he said. “Noie will be very happy to get this.”

  You will not think about how edible he looks in that suit, it doesn’t matter that he’s single. You will not, you will not, you—

  “So, you and Gabe?” I whirled around.

  “Good God, Grandma, you just took ten years off my life,” I said, clutching my chest as she laughed and wiggled her eyebrows at me.

  “I leave you to do the morning shift and suddenly you’re giving away free pastries to any good-looking guy who walks in here?” she teased.

  I felt my cheeks turn red. “I’m paying for it out of pocket,” I tripped over myself to explain. “I was a little bitchy to him this morning and I wanted to make that up to him.”

  Grandma pursed her lips. “You shouldn’t have tried,” she said. “People have coddled that boy for far too long by now. Next time you bitch at him, don’t apologize.”

  I looked at her, completely and utterly confused.

  “Coddled?” I asked dubiously. “Him?” Gabe looked like a lot of things, but coddled was definitely not one of them.

  She nodded. “There’s pity, and then there’s suffocating pity,” she said.

  That I understood. I had been the recipient of both. Pity was almost manageable. Pity I was able to deal with for three years by plowing on and pretending everything was fine. But t
he suffocating pity after everyone found out about Jen? That was what drove me to run.

  I took a deep breath of crisp ocean air and exhaled. Maybe I shouldn’t still be here, my brain screamed frantically as I sat down on the beach, hidden behind a sand dune where nobody could see me. Maybe I should keep running.

  But who was I running away from?

  Mother. Jen. Crawford. Ravi. Devi. The graves.

  Myself.

  And there was nowhere far enough for that.

  “You’re just being a baby, Maddie,” she snapped, defensive.

  “I’m being a baby? I think I’m entitled to be furious at the two of you. You more than him.” My voice caught in a sob. “How could you, Jen? How could you do that to me?”

  “Do what? It’s not like you were dating,” she said, a look of disgust on her face.

  I could barely control my rage. “It’s not like we were dating?” I repeated, unable to comprehend that she had actually just said those words. “Do you not remember the conversation I had—with you—about how I started dating again? And then the conversation about how Crawford and I were getting serious? What the hell did that sound like to you?”

  “He told me that you guys had broken up,” she protested.

  I saw red. “Really? Because I was never informed of that decision until I walked in on you having sex on my bed.”

  “You’re just jealous,” she scoffed.

  “Of what? That you’re sleeping with my boyfriend?” I turned to her, incredulous. “No, I’m not jealous, you idiot. I’m furious.”

  “You always get everything you want,” she whined. “Everyone’s always so much nicer to you,”

  I couldn’t anymore. “Everyone’s nice to me out of pity!” I yelled. “Because they DIED, Jen. Died, okay?”

  Everything was falling apart. It had been hard enough maintaining my mask of ‘Everything’s fine!’ until now. But this, too? I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Taking a shuddering breath, I stomped toward the door. “You know what? Keep him. I hope you get what you want.” With that, I walked out, leaving my sister staring at my back.

  I dropped my head to my lap, exhausted. I had to let it all go. I couldn’t keep letting myself get sucked back into all of it. I wouldn’t be able to keep going this way. I barely was.

  “Maddie!” came a small voice.

  Noie.

  She ran over, beaming. Looking at my face, her expression fell. “Are you sad?” she asked, patting my cheek softly.

  Gathering her into my arms, I inhaled the smell of little girl and sunshine. “Yeah,” I answered. “I’m sad.”

  She cuddled on my lap, and reached up to pat my face again. “Should I give it a kiss?” she asked seriously. The little splintered pieces of my heart ached.

  “I don’t know if you can reach it, honey.”

  “Where does it hurt?” she asked, frowning in confusion.

  I pointed to my chest. “In my heart.”

  Turning her head, she kissed the spot I had pointed at. “All better?”

  I tightened my hands around her. Did Gabe realize how lucky he was to have her? “All better,” I agreed, dropping a kiss on her head.

  We sat there quietly, watching the waves crash against the shore. “Noie, who are you at the beach with?” I asked.

  “Grandma,” she said happily.

  Lifting her off my lap, I stood up. “We should find Grandma before she gets scared that she lost you,” I said, reaching down to hold her little hand.

  “Grandma’s not scared,” she said.

  “Just in case.”

  Walking around the sand dune, we moved toward the small crowd of sand castle builders. A woman with white hair was looking around frantically.

  “I think Grandma got scared,” I said, looking down at Noie, who looked wholly unconcerned.

  “Noelle Mendez, you can’t just run away like that,” she scolded, rushing toward us. Her eyes sharpened as she looked at me. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if we’ve met…”

  “Maddie,” I said, sticking out my hand. “Noie has a habit of running off and coming to visit me.”

  She looked down at Noie in surprise. “Sam told me about Noie’s new friend at the café, but I’ve never seen her like this with strangers.”

  Everyone was saying that, which I didn’t understand in the slightest. I shrugged. “Grandma, Maddie’s my friend!” Noie said, tugging at her grandmother’s shorts. “My friend.”

  I smiled.

  “Lucy,” she introduced herself. “Thanks for finding her.”

  “Well, she found me,” I said, nervous. “But no problem.”

  She looked at me, thinking. “I heard you’re working for Evelyn now,” she said. I nodded.

  Her eyes narrowed. “Hmm.” She looked at me again. “You coming to the barbeque tomorrow night?”

  “Barbeque?” I asked, confused.

  “Evelyn’s surprise birthday barbeque,” she said.

  They were barbequing? At the end of February?

  “This is the first I’ve heard of it,” I admitted.

  “Well, then it’s a good thing I caught you,” she said. “Tomorrow night at my house at around seven. The blue house on Beach Road.” That was the house where I had first seen Noie and Gabe.

  “I’ll try my best to make it.” Glancing down at my watch, I backed away. “I have to get back to work,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Bye, Maddie!” called Noie. Waving at Noie, I turned and walked back toward the street, my breathing uneven again.

  It was only a barbeque. I could do a barbeque. I’d go for fifteen minutes, say happy birthday, and leave.

  Chapter · Six

  Looking around at my measly wardrobe, I groaned. What was I supposed to wear to this barbeque?

  “You look gorgeous in everything,” he said, reaching over to tug at my hair. “Just choose something, Mads.”

  “But today is an important day, Rav,” I protested. “I can’t just wear anything.”

  “So wear something important,” he teased. “Is Devi dressed?”

  I nodded absently, staring back into my closet. “She picked out her clothing today. The pink tunic and her white leggings. She’s all ready to go,” I said. “I just have to decide on my outfit and we’ll go.”

  Shaking my head to clear it, I grabbed a shirt and threw on a pair of shorts. There. Normal. Checking in the mirror one more time to make sure that I looked like a semi-functioning person instead of the emotional wreck I was, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment.

  The party was in full swing by the time I got there, which was exactly what I hoped. Looking around for Grandma Evelyn, a hand covered my eyes and nearly jumped. “You came!” It was Sam.

  “I did,” I said, smiling at her. “Do you know where the birthday girl is?”

  “Holding court over there,” she said. “Go say happy birthday and then come back—I have people I have to introduce you to.”

  Great.

  Making my way toward where Grandma Evelyn was standing, I smiled at a few familiar faces from the café. “Maddie!” Grandma called, thrilled. “You knew?”

  “Happy birthday!” I said, reaching over and hugging her. “You didn’t tell me,” I scolded. “I would have made you a cake and made the whole café sing for you.”

  She burst into laughter. “Well, then, I’m happy I didn’t,” she said.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, please,” I scoffed fondly. “You would have loved it.”

  “That I would,” she laughed. “Have you met everyone here?”

  I shook my head as she started introducing everyone to me.

  “Grandma Ev, you’re holding Maddie hostage,” called Sam as she walked by with a full tray of food. Grandma smiled, and shooed me toward Sam.

  “Go meet her friends,” she said. “Hanging out with the oldies gets boring.”

  “You’re not old.”

  “Not old?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “I just turned sixty-five, honey. What do
es that make me, young?”

  “Like a spring chicken,” I said.

  “I knew I liked you for a reason,” she said, laughing. “Go.”

  Ten more minutes, I told myself. Ten more minutes and then I’d make excuses and go. I looked around the crowded backyard. Gabe was standing with a bunch of what looked like college-age guys, looking more relaxed than I had ever seen him, laughing and drinking a beer. He was more dangerous this way, laid-back and cheerful.

  I shrugged inwardly. I didn’t see anyone suffocating him in self-pity. Maybe Grandma Evelyn was a little delusional.

  “Maddie!” I whirled around and watched Gabe cross the yard and walk toward me. He smiled, his face lighting up. I guess he wasn’t still pissed about the wife conversation. That was good.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I answered, looking down at the ground. There was something about all of this that made me wildly uncomfortable. Like talking to him was somehow cheating on Ravi. Which made no sense.

  Ravi wasn’t here anymore.

  “How’s café-ing going?” he asked.

  “So far so good,” I replied. “Why? Do I look like there’s something wrong with it?”

  “Nah, just making polite conversation,” he said, unfazed at the fact that I was being kind of rude. “Also, Sam is looking for you, and she asked me to keep an eye out and point you in her direction if I saw you.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Because I am a good brother. Well, she’s trying to train me into one.”

  His smile was infectious, and for a moment, my nerves abated. “How’s that working out so far?”

  He shrugged. “I have no idea.”

  “Maddie!” Sam called. She jogged over to where Gabe and I were standing. “Gabe, I told you to point Maddie in my direction, not kidnap her.”

  “It’s not kidnapping if it’s in front of everyone, is it?” he teased her.