It's All in Your Mind

by Ann Herrick

  "Nolan, this is so nice. We can get a picnic table under one of the trees." By now Brendan, Daniel, and Stephan had come running to see what was going on. "Look boys, pizza for lunch!"

  Three cries of, "Yipee!"

  "You guys go get settled at the table over there." I pointed to one under the biggest, shadiest tree in the park.

  "It was really great," Nolan said. "Everyone kept saying how nice of me it was to do this!"

  Funny, but I felt the teeniest, tiniest flutter in my stomach. I couldn't figure out why. Nolan bringing me pizza was a wonderful surprise. People thought he was wonderful for doing so. The flutter was probably just because I was hungry.

  As I started toward the picnic table, Nolan swept the pizza box out of my hands. "I'll carry that for you."

  "Thank you." I let out a happy sigh.

  When we got to the table, Nolan placed the box in the center and opened it with a flourish. The boys oohed and aahed and licked their lips. "Oh," said Nolan, "I almost forgot." He pulled a small stack of paper napkins out of his back pocket and handed them to me. "Here you go. Enjoy your pizza."

  "Oh, but ... you're staying, aren't you?"

  "You're babysitting. I don't want to bother you while you're working."

  "B-but ... it's okay."

  "No. I have a ton of stuff I need to do this afternoon." He leaned over and whispered in my hair, "Talk to you later." Then he stood up straight and addressed the boys. "Enjoy the pizza, guys!"

  They nodded and uttered their muffled thanks, as all of them already had started on a slice.

  With that, Nolan trotted back to his motorcycle and roared off.

  "This is delicious!" Brendan exclaimed. "Your friend is so boss."

  "Yeah," Daniel and Stephan chimed in. "He's great!"

  Just as I picked up a slice of pizza and took a bite, a woman pushing a stroller stopped and said to me, "Oh, you're the young lady who got the pizza from that nice young man! He's so thoughtful. You're very lucky."

  I quickly chewed and swallowed the pizza. There was that funny flutter in my stomach again. Why did it bother me that such a fuss was made about how nice Nolan was? That was silly of me, so all I said was, "Yes. Yes, I'm very lucky."

  By the time we'd polished off the pizza, three other people strolled by who'd helped Nolan find me, and they all told me either how wonderful it was that Nolan had brought me a pizza, or how lucky I was, or both. He must have told everyone what he was doing! It was amazing. I'd never even had a guy like me before, and now I had one tracking me down and bringing me pizza in the park. I wish he'd stayed to have lunch with us. Still, I really was lucky to have someone deliver food to me like that.

  Refueled from lunch, the boys had the energy to tear around the playground for a couple more hours. Then eventually they started to droop, so we went back to their house, where Stephan took a nap and Brendan and Daniel played quietly. That gave me a chance to do a little dusting and vacuuming for Mrs. Kukk, something I knew she'd appreciate.

  I also practiced my speech about how "a friend" had been kind enough to bring me a pizza in the park as a surprise for the boys. That way, it wouldn't raise any suspicion in Mrs. Kukk's mind that would prompt her to make immediate plans to blab to Mama about it. And, if she did ever bring it up, I could tell Mama that it was someone Caprice knew who brought it, sort of letting Mama think it was one of Caprice's co-workers and implying I'd arranged it without really saying so. It wasn't always easy to say things my way and still tell the truth, but I managed.

  When Mrs. Kukk got home, I casually mentioned the pizza. She nodded and smiled, but took more notice of the bit of housework I'd done and that the boys were pleasantly tired, and she paid me a little extra.

  On the way back to my house I stopped off at Shopsave to see if Caprice was there. Just as I started in, I saw her walking out. "Caprice, hi!"

  Caprice stopped and waited for me to do a U-turn. She pulled a cigarette out of her purse, and lit up. "What's buzzin'?"

  "I babysat the Kukk boys today."

  "You made it through alive, I see." She turned her head and blew a smoke ring off to the side as she started walking toward the bus stop.

  "Oh, yes. And that's not all," I said, hurrying to keep up with her. "We went to the park and—"

  "You'll never guess who asked me out just a few minutes ago! Right in my check-out line!"

  "Oh. Um. I have no idea."

  "Joel the Genius!"

  "Joel? Really?" This was a complete surprise. Not that Caprice wasn't gorgeous, because she was. Not that tons of guys didn't ask her out, because they did. But somehow I never pictured Joel being interested in Caprice. He was so serious, so scholarly, so ... square, while Caprice was more the kind of person who ... liked a good time. "Uh. That's nice."

  "Of course, I said no."

  "Oh?"

  "Yeah." We reached the bus stop and Caprice looked down the street to see if her bus was coming. It wasn't. "I mean, Joel's okay. But he's not a challenge. I like a guy who's a challenge."

  "Oh." A guy who's a challenge? A guy like ... Nolan? Yes, Nolan! That's the kind of guy Nolan was. A challenge!

  "At last! Here's my bus. See ya around, Vija."

  "So long, Caprice." As I waved goodbye, I felt myself taking a posture of secret superiority. I had what Caprice wanted. I had a guy who was a challenge.

  I was so busy congratulating myself about Nolan that I walked smack into someone. "Oh! Sorry! I—"

  "Hi, Vija. Nice to run into you!" It was Joel. Fresh from his rejection by Caprice. "How 'bout a lift? I'm driving right by your place anyway."

  Poor Joel. I didn't really need a ride for the short distance to my house. But I didn't want him to feel slighted. He smiled bravely, but he was probably devastated that Caprice turned him down. "Sure, thanks."

  Joel touched my elbow and guided me to his car. He opened the door, waited until I was seated, then closed the door. I noticed that the interior of his car gleamed. It looked as if Joel had polished every knob, every bit of trim, and even the steering wheel. He whistled as he walked around and got in the driver's side. As he started the car, he patted the dashboard. "What do you think of this old clunker?"

  "It looks great. I remember when it was just a heap sitting in your driveway."

  "Yeah, no one thought I'd get it to run, but it gets me from here to there." He turned on the radio, fiddled with the dial and settled on a station playing, Since I Don't Have You.

  Oh, poor Joel, I thought. He must be very upset about being turned down by Caprice.

  "The Skyliners have such a great sound," Joel said. He started to sing along with the radio. "... since ... I don't ... have you-oo-oo." His voice was a bit squeaky, but what he lacked in talent he more than made up for in enthusiasm.

  I noticed then that we were not heading toward my house. "Um. We're going in the wrong direction," I tactfully pointed out.

  Joel just held up one finger, as if to say, "Wait," and kept right on singing and driving away from my house.

  I wasn't worried, but I was wondering what was going on. Until the music stopped.

  "Detour over," Joel said. "I just wanted to finish the song."

  "It was very nice."

  "Thank you. I'm available for concerts, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and serenading beautiful girls while standing under their balconies."

  I laughed. "I'll keep that in mind if I ever need a singer for any of those occasions."

  "I'll hold you to that, my pretty!" Joel cackled like the bad witch in The Wizard of Oz.

  Funny, I'd thought Joel was so serious. I never noticed that he had a playful side. Maybe it was that part of him that was interested in Caprice.

  When we got to my house, Joel pulled into the driveway, hopped out, and opened my door. I started to thank him for the ride, but he insisted that he wanted to "escort" me to the front steps, "just to make sure" I got in safely. At the door I accepted the smile and handshake that Joel offered. "Thanks for the ride, Joel." I paused,
grinned, and added, "And thanks for safeguarding my walk from the car to the door."

  "Well, these are dangerous times we live in. You can't be too careful." Joel tried to keep a straight face. "You could've tripped, or been bitten by a vicious ant, or overwhelmed with suitors clamoring for your hand."

  It was the comment about the suitors that made me laugh out loud. As I turned to go inside, I waved and said, "Well, thanks to you, I'm definitely safe and sound."

  I was still chuckling when I noticed Mama and Papa craning their necks to watch Joel pull out of the driveway.

  "Hi," I said, deciding to satisfy their curiosity. "I stopped off at Shopsave to see Caprice. Joel gave me a ride home from there."

  There were no questions as to why I needed a ride home for such a short distance. Instead, all I heard was that Joel was "such a nice boy," and "so smart too." In fact, from the look on Mama's face, I had the feeling she was already planning my wedding to Joel! Of course, she knew him, knew his family, and he was the first guy to ever walk me up to our front door. And she knew nothing about Nolan. I wanted to keep it that way. Mama and Papa just wouldn't understand an artistic type such as Nolan. So let her fantasize about my future with Joel the Genius, if it would distract her.

  At dinner, the topic of conversation kept drifting back to Joel. From the moment Papa cut the first slice of bread until we polished off the last of bit iejavutra, sliced dried apples boiled with a yeast water, it was, "Joel is so smart," and "Joel is so polite," and "Joel comes from such a good family," and most important of all to Mama and Papa, "Joel is such a hard-working young man." I just smiled and agreed with everything they said, which was easy enough, because everything they said about Joel was true.

  I just didn't mention that he wasn't the kind of guy who was a challenge. They wouldn't understand. And they certainly wouldn't understand about Nolan. They would not appreciate someone who sang in a coffeehouse. And they would not approve if they knew I fell under his spell the moment I saw him at The Exit.

  I was in such a good mood that I offered to wash and dry the dishes after supper. I didn't mind swishing a sponge of hot soapy water across the plates, or rinsing everything, or drying it all by hand. The heat from the tableware warming my fingers right through the dishtowel reminded me of the touch of Nolan's hand, and the simple task gave me plenty of time to daydream about him.

  When the phone rang, I almost dropped a glass I was placing on a cabinet shelf. Probably one of Papa's customers. He was out back, sharpening a mower blade, and Mama was in the living room mending socks, so I answered the phone. "Hello?"

  "I'm at a pay phone at the east edge of the park by some swings. Can you meet me here?" It was Nolan. His voice was like a caress.

  I didn't wait long enough to have a second thought. "Yes. I can be there in five minutes."

  "Cool. See ya." He hung up.

  I carefully placed the receiver back on the phone. My hands shook and my heart danced.

  "Who was that?" Mama called.

  "Uh. He didn't say. Just hung up. Must have dialed the wrong number."

  "Ah, people should be more polite."

  The initial glow from Nolan's call had worn off, and I was left wondering how I was going to get away to meet him. I thought for a moment, then, "Mama! I'm going out in the back yard."

  "All right."

  I went out back and poked around in the yard, sniffing a flower here, pulling a weed there. After a couple minutes, I said to Papa, "It's such a nice evening. I think I'll go for a walk."

  Papa finished oiling a lawnmower, then looked up and said. "All right, Vija. Just be home before dark."

  "I will, Papa." I tried not to run to meet Nolan. I still had plenty of time before sunset.

  The neighborhood never seemed so lovely before. The sight of robins hopping across lawns, the squeals of kids playing tag, the intoxicating aroma of Mr. Elgart's lilacs, all made me swell with open joy. When I got to the park, I broke into a trot until I spotted Nolan standing by the swings. Then I slowed to what I hoped was a casual walk. He saw me, and waved. I waved, and couldn't contain myself any longer—I ran over to meet him.

  "Hi, Nolan. Isn't it a beautiful evening?"

  "Yeah, not as nice as this afternoon, though. It was great at beach."

  I noticed then that he had just a touch of sunburn. "Oh?"

  "All the girls there, lookin' hot." He grinned. "I love summer."

  "Oh." My insides shriveled. "Girls ...," I said, my voice choked with suspicion of all the fun I thought he must have had without me.

  "Don't act all jealous." Nolan spaced the words evenly. "You're just looking for trouble. But it's all in your head."

  "Oh! I didn't mean ..." I said quickly, gulping air. "... that is, of course you—"

  Nolan touched his finger to my lips and smoothed my hair with his hand. "There's nothing wrong with looking." He gazed deep into my eyes.

  Of course. I had taken it wrong when Nolan mentioned the girls at the beach. I stood there, filled with waiting.

  Nolan pulled me to him, and kissed me. My first kiss. The warmth of his lips on mine, my body pressed against his—I felt carried away on beams of light.

  Nolan pulled back. "Let's go over there." He pointed to a bench off in a quiet corner, under a tree.

  "O-okay."

  Nolan slid his arm around my waist and kissed the top of my head as we walked. I felt as if my legs were turning into porridge. We sat on the bench, and Nolan brushed his lips against my neck. I breathed in quick, shallow gasps. I was half scared, half surprised at my eager response to his kisses.

  Suddenly Nolan stopped, and stared at me intently.

  I looked deep into his eyes, and thought I saw my future there.

  "I think we should be a couple," Nolan said. "Not see anyone else."

  I was so overwhelmed—and pleased—I could do no more than nod.

  Nolan kissed me, on the lips, slowly, thoughtfully. It sent my insides into a wild swirl.

  Suddenly, a loud roar broke the spell. Nolan pulled away, and turned to look at the source of the noise. Over by the swings, two motorcycles pulled up next to Nolan's, and stopped.

  "It's a couple guys I know," Nolan said. "I gotta go. But first, two things. One, I promise to be totally devoted to you. Two, anything I can do for you, I will." With that, he gave me a quick kiss and loped off toward his friends.

  For a brief moment, I felt abandoned. But then, I considered what Nolan said about not seeing anyone else, and the two promises he'd just made. I thought of how he'd kissed me. He wouldn't say those things, he couldn't kiss me like that, if he didn't ... love me.

  I watched Nolan ride off with his friends, then started home as the light turned soft and pink. All I could think as I felt the rosy glow shine down upon me was, "We're a couple. We're a couple. We're a couple."

  Chapter Five

  The next couple of weeks were a wonderful haze. Papa needed me to work with him only one day, and Mrs. Kukk wanted me to babysit only two mornings, and Mama found only a few chores for me. I never really minded doing the dishes, or sweeping the sidewalk, or hanging the laundry out in the sweet fresh air. I had grown up with "a little work never killed anybody," so I was used to it. I was also efficient, so that gave me plenty of free time. Free time to see Nolan practically whenever he wanted.

  We went to the beach almost every day. It was easy to get away, because I simply told Mama I was going to the beach. She thought that swimming was good exercise, so that was fine with her, as long I had done any and all of my chores.

  It helped that Karl was two years older, and had worked on Mama and Papa to let him become "an American teenager" almost the moment we set foot in Chatfield and he'd dropped into eighth grade in the middle of the school year. Maybe it was because he'd studied English longer, or because he was tall and good looking, or because he was a good athlete, or because making friends just came naturally to him, but he quickly transformed into the all-American boy with an accent that the girls
found charming.

  While I didn't become a star athlete or student council president or one of the most popular kids in class, as Karl had, and I hadn't overcome my shyness or found the key to becoming an all-American girl, I did have more freedom than I would have had if he hadn't paved the way for me. Oh, the fact that we were Latvian was never ignored. I couldn't smoke or stay out all night or wear tight sweaters the way some girls could. Not that I necessarily wanted to do all those things. At least, not yet.

  But, again thanks to Karl, who persuaded Mama and Papa that it was practically my duty to drive his car for him, I had wheels and the opportunity to use them, as long as I was smart and came home on time and didn't make Mama and Papa suspicious. I just had to remember to smile, and volunteer enough information to avoid suspicion, without saying exactly what I was up to. Not that I was doing anything wrong, just that some times life was simpler if Mama and Papa didn't know everything.

  The only fly in the suntan lotion was the way Nolan stared at some of the girls on the beach. There was no way I could leave the house wearing a bikini, even if I had the nerve to wear one in the first place, which I didn't. I'd thought my white one-piece sprinkled with tiny pink daisies was really cute when I bought it. But it was not sexy. Neither was the cute little white cotton cover-up for it.

  One time I was talking to Nolan as we relaxed on a blanket, sifting sand through our toes, when a pretty brunette with big brown eyes and an itsy-bitsy bikini strolled by. It took me a moment to realize that Nolan was not listening to a word I was saying, he was so focused on that girl. Usually I said nothing when Nolan looked at other girls. He explained that "checking out" other girls was as natural as breathing for a guy, and that I was wrong to be jealous. But that time I forgot, and said, "As I was saying, before that girl walked by and you totally ignored me—"

  "You're too sensitive," Nolan said. "I'm not ignoring you. You take everything wrong."