It's All in Your Mind

by Ann Herrick

  "I ... I didn't mean ... that is ...." How many times had Nolan explained that I took things the wrong way? "I'm sorry."

  "Okay." Nolan eased into a smile. "Now, what were saying?"

  "Um ... uh ... I forget."

  Nolan laughed. "Then it wasn't very important, was it?"

  "No ...." I forced a small laugh. "I guess it wasn't." I had to try to remember that Nolan meant nothing by it when he stared at other girls. Because, as Nolan so often pointed out, we were a couple. I was his "woman," as he put it, which had to mean he loved me. And if he loved me, he wouldn't do anything to hurt my feelings. I just took things the wrong way sometimes.

  Besides, it was so much fun to be with Nolan. He took charge. He decided what we'd do and where we'd eat. I didn't have to "worry my pretty little head," as he put it. And he had so much energy! When we were at the beach we didn't spend the entire day on the blanket sunning ourselves. We stayed there just long enough for Nolan to keep his tan even, as he put it. I burned easily, so I always lathered myself with suntan lotion while Nolan eventually turned brown as mahogany.

  We chased waves. We swam and swam. Sometimes Nolan would scoop me up in his arms and run into the surf. It made people smile to see him so loose and spontaneous. Most days we walked along the shore until we reached the jetty made of boulders. We lingered and kissed in the shadows of the huge rocks.

  Nolan loved food and he loved for me to enjoy his tastes. "Vija, you've gotta have a chili dog. They're great. Oh, you need more onion on it than that!" And he would pile onion on my chili dog and hold it up to my mouth so I could take a bite.

  "It's g-good. A little … strong ... but good."

  "It's not strong. It's perfect. You just need to get used to it!" He would feed me another bite, and people would nod their approval at his enthusiasm.

  I might go home exhausted, but there was never a dull moment with Nolan.

  ***

  I was set for another day at the beach, the whole day this time. Usually, we didn't meet there until the afternoon, but yesterday Nolan told me he wanted to go early today, and to meet him at what had become "our spot." I was about to head out the door, when the phone rang. Mama answered it, but held up one finger, a signal for me to wait.

  Oh, no, I thought. It must be one of Dad's customers who wants something extra done, and I'll have to work with him. Or Mrs. Kukk has an emergency. Why couldn't I have left one minute sooner!

  Mama put her hand over the receiver.

  Here it comes, I thought.

  "Run out back and get Papa. It's Karl. Long distance. Hurry!"

  Karl? Long distance? It must be very important! I ran out back and got Papa right away. Stress lines formed on his brow as he hurried into the kitchen.

  "Jâ?" he said to Mama.

  She handed the phone to Papa.

  "Sveiks, Karl!" Papa nodded. "Jâ … jâ ... ah!" Papa nodded a couple more times, then gave a quick goodbye. "Uz redzesanos!"

  Mama's face was tight and pinched as she waited for Papa to tell us why Karl called long distance.

  Papa took his big red handkerchief from his back pocket, and wiped sweat off his brow. "It seems our Karl is coming home next week for a few days."

  "Ah!" Mama clasped her hands in front of her heart. "Our boy. Home. That's wonderful news."

  "There's more," Papa said.

  Mama blinked nervously. "What? What?"

  "After he comes home, he goes on a ship that will be deployed near the coast of Vietnam."

  "Vietnam!" Mama exclaimed. "That's on the other side of the world! Why is he going there?"

  "The Navy goes all over, Mama," I said. "Karl joined the Navy 'to see the world.' Remember?"

  "Well!" Mama said, more than a little irritated. "The United States is part of the world. Why couldn't he just stay in this country?"

  "There, there." Papa took Mama's hands in his. "Karl is a man now. He goes where he is sent. We should be proud."

  "Jâ," Mama said. "Well, I'll be more proud when he comes back home for good!" She pouted for about one second. "But he'll be home next week! I have to get ready! I have to cook! I have to clean!"

  That was my cue to leave, before it occurred to Mama that I could help cook and clean. I did not want to miss out on a whole day at the beach with Nolan. "It'll be great to see Karl," I said quickly. "See you this afternoon!"

  I dashed out the door and hopped into the car while Mama and Papa were still yakking about the homecoming. The inside of the car was so hot I felt like a roast in the oven. I quickly rolled down the window and caught a slice of breeze as I carefully backed out of the driveway. Our road was shaded by arching elm trees, but as soon as I turned onto Main Street the sun seared my bare skin. I would have to slap on a ton of lotion once I got to the beach.

  I got to Hammonasett a few minutes early, so I parked the car and went for a stroll down by the water. The waves cooled my toes and washed away my footprints as soon as I made them. I saw a piece of blue beach glass and stooped to pick it up. I rubbed my fingers over the smooth surface.

  "Buried treasure?"

  I looked up to see Joel grinning, and dripping down on me. Funny, I'd always thought of him as just this skinny guy. But looming over me in his swimsuit I saw that he was lean, but wiry, much like Papa. I stood up. "It's beach glass. You've been for a swim already?"

  "I try to go early two or three times a week before heading over to the golf course to caddy. If I'm cooled off from a swim, I stay cooler most of the day. Or that's my theory, anyway." He rested his hands on his hips. "What about you?"

  "Me? Oh. Uh. Just spending a day at the beach," I said casually. "Hey, guess what. Karl's coming home next week before he ships out to Vietnam!"

  "Vietnam? Wow. There's stuff going on over there. The North wants to reunify with the South. It's been carrying out terrorism in the South—"

  "What!"

  "Oh. Um. It's ... nothing ... nothing to worry about. Karl probably won't see any trouble. Hey! I'll try to stop by and say hi. Karl was the best babysitter I ever had—and the only one who ever beat me in wrestling." Joel offered a small laugh.

  "I forgot he used to babysit you! It's hard to picture now."

  "Yeah, it is, especially now that I'm taller than he is."

  "I don't know," I teased. "You look like you still need someone to keep an eye on you."

  "Are you volunteering?"

  "I—" Just then I saw a motorcycle in the distance. Nolan. "I've got my hands full with helping Dad and babysitting the Kukk kids," I said. "Um, well, it was nice seeing you. So long." I dropped the piece of blue glass in my bag and started down the beach toward where I was supposed to meet Nolan.

  "Uh, yeah," Joel called after me. "See you later!"

  I trotted over to meet Nolan as he parked his motorcycle. "Hi, Nolan. What a beautiful day for the beach."

  "Yeah." Nolan traced his finger along the side of my face. "Who was that guy you were talking too?"

  "G-guy?" I felt a blush run up my face. "Someone from school. I-I-I just happened to run into him."

  "Oh." Nolan studied my face for a moment. Then he gave me a quick kiss. "What are we waiting for? Let's hit the beach!"

  We set up in our favorite spot, at the water's edge, not too far from a food stand, but not too close. Nolan liked to work on his tan before we did anything else, so as soon as we spread out the blanket, we flopped down it. Nolan turned on his little portable radio. The jingle, "Ten-ten WINS New York, ding," told me when he found the station he liked to listen to. I pulled a bottle of suntan lotion out of my beach bag, and started covering myself with it. When I reached all the places I could reach, I handed the bottle to Nolan.

  "Would you do my back?"

  "Okay." Nolan sat up and started rubbing the lotion on my back, which made my body tingle. "But I wish you'd just let yourself get a nice dark tan."

  "I've told you, I don't tan that much. I have to be careful, and get a little at a time, or I'll just burn and peel." I glanced at m
y arms. "Besides, I think I'm pretty tan now."

  "You're the color of a lightly browned biscuit." Nolan laughed. "But that's okay. If you burn easily, you burn easily. At least you're trying. Some people don't even try."

  We lay in the sun ten minutes on each side, then Nolan wanted to go for a swim. He always ran right into the water. I always complained it was too cold. Nolan would wait until I inched my way in up to my waist, then he'd lose patience and start flicking water at me.

  "Come on. Get wet all over. You'll get used to it!"

  "Okay!" I took a couple deep breaths, then forced myself to plunge all the way in. I sprung to the surface, then dove under again, repeating this until I got used to the water.

  "See, you can do it." Nolan rewarded my efforts with a wet, salty kiss, then scooped me into his arms. "I love being with my woman."

  I could feel my face flush with happiness.

  It was time to swim. We raced to a buoy and back. We dove down and scanned the bottom for rocks and stones. Whoever found the prettiest rock or stone got a kiss from the other.

  "No one loses," Nolan said. We did the backstroke and gazed at the clouds.

  By then we were famished, and went back to shore. Nolan always insisted on buying our snacks and lunch. I was touched that he did, considering what little money he must have made with his singing. He said he wanted to show me how totally devoted he was to me, and that was one way of doing it. Sometimes I could hardly believe how lucky I was to have found someone as loving as Nolan.

  After lunch, we went for a walk on the beach, hand-in-hand. As we neared the jetty, my heart beat faster. I couldn't wait for the kisses we would share, and the spirals of shivers they sent through me.

  When we reached the jetty, we climbed over the rocks to the other side and found a sunny, private nook where we sat shielded from prying eyes. Nolan rubbed the bare skin of my back and shoulders. I was filled with waiting, enjoying the feel of his arms around me. Finally, Nolan touched his lips to the hollow at the base of my neck, brushed a gentle kiss across my forehead, then pulled me closer and pressed his lips against mine. I savored the warm shivers and the pounding of my own blood. It felt so good, so right. I was sure we shared a true love.

  Nolan's hand slid up my arm, to my throat, then slipped down and his fingers traced the edge top of my bathing suit. Just barely they touched my breasts, but I was very aware of their warm caress. I felt weak and confused, and surprised by a strange inner excitement. Was this what Caprice called "petting?" It was good and bad and scary, all at the same time.

  I thought we should stop. I must have said the word, because Nolan did stop, and put his arm back around my waist. "Don't worry, Vija," he whispered, "I would never do anything to hurt you."

  Immediately, I was wrapped in a silken cocoon of happiness. I tipped my face toward the sun. As we sat enjoying the warm glow of sunshine and love, I thought that maybe with Karl home, I should introduce Nolan to Mama and Papa. After all, I couldn't keep him a secret forever. "My brother, Karl, will be home on leave next week, before he is sent to Vietnam. Mama's planning a big homecoming, tons of food. Would you ... would you like to come by and meet him?"

  As soon as the words were out of my mouth, a cloud fell across Nolan's face. "Sorry," he said. "You're on your own for that."

  "Oh. Oh, well." My heart faltered a bit. "It was just a thought—"

  Nolan touched a finger to my lips. "I told you I'd do anything I can for you. But family things ... well, I can't."

  It occurred to me then that we'd never really talked about our families. For all I knew, he had no family! "Your family ... is not close?"

  "My family ...." Nolan sighed. "First of all, my parents never should have married. They're just too different."

  "Oh." I didn't know what else to say.

  "And my old man ...." Nolan's lips curled down. "I don't want to be anything like my old man. He flops down in his favorite chair—that only he can sit in—completely nude, looking like a beached white whale, to watch TV. It's disgusting. And we always had to do everything his way. If he wanted to go to a movie, it didn't matter if it was late on a weeknight and I had homework. We all had to pile in the car and go to the movies. And if he wanted to stop somewhere to eat afterwards, we did. Of course, it was always where he wanted to eat."

  "Oh."

  "And watching him eat was so disgusting. He always had food caught in his beard, and he loved eating barbeque, the messier the better. The sauce would drip through his beard, it made me want to barf, just looking at him."

  "Oh."

  "He chewed with his mouth open and talked with his mouth full. And my mother would just sit there, trying to look sophisticated. It was all so ... gross." Nolan took a deep breath and blew it out. "You can understand why I don't want anything to do with families."

  "Oh, yes!" Poor Nolan. What a terrible home life. No wonder he didn't want to have anything to do with families. It would just remind him of how awful his was. He must have struck out on his own the first chance he got. He probably got a scholarship to Yale, but, even working while going to school, couldn't afford the full cost for four years. And when he dropped out, he survived by becoming a folk singer. It was all so tragic and romantic. "I understand, completely."

  "Good." Suddenly he jumped to his feet. "C'mon. Let's go for another swim."

  I would've liked to have stayed right there, enjoying the new closeness I felt with Nolan since he told me about his family. But it was hard to resist his enthusiasm.

  Nolan grabbed my hand, pulled me along behind him as he ran into the water. When we were waist deep, he gathered me into his arms, then, without warning, dipped us below the surface. I came up sputtering and wiping water out of my eyes.

  "Let's race!" Nolan said, and he was off in the direction of a buoy. Since he had a head start, it took me several seconds to catch up with him.

  "Slow poke," he said with a grin, when I finally reached his side.

  "You cheated!" I teased.

  "You're just looking for a fight."

  "No, I—"

  "C'mon. Let's go back to shore."

  I felt listless as I paddled more than swam back to the beach. Nolan seemed to misunderstand when I teased him.

  It felt good to flop down on the blanket. It was not easy keeping up with Nolan. Fun trying, but not easy. It was nice to just lie on the blanket next to him, and relax.

  "Just ten minutes on each side, then we've got to go," Nolan said. "I've got a gig in New London tonight."

  I was disappointed our day at the beach would end so soon, but happy that Nolan had something lined up. I was sure he could use every penny he earned. "Maybe some time when you perform a little closer to Chatfield I could come listen to you."

  "You'd be bored," Nolan said.

  "No, I—"

  "Besides, I need to concentrate when I'm working. I can't be worrying about you, you know?"

  "I ... I suppose not," I said, though I was sure I would not be a bother.

  Nolan took my chin in his hand and gave me a kiss as light and tender as the summer breeze. "Seeing you out in the audience, it would be too much of a distraction."

  My heart sang at the thought of Nolan being too distracted to sing if I were there. I meant so much to him that he would be too nervous to sing!

  Too soon Nolan was ready to leave, and we walked to where we'd parked. We kissed goodbye. Nolan blew me another kiss as he thundered off on his motorcycle. I watched until he was just a speck on the horizon.

  On the way home I spotted Caprice smoking and waiting at the bus stop in front of Shopsave. I pulled over, tapped the horn, and called to her. "Want a lift home?"

  Caprice tossed her cigarette on the sidewalk and crushed it with her heel. "Thanks," she said as she hopped in the car. "The bus is late, and I'm so tired of standing. My feet are killing me."

  "Oh, I'm sorry," I said, swallowing my guilt at having just spent such a glorious day at the beach. I knew how to cheer her up. "Hey, guess wh
at! Karl is going to be home on leave next week." Caprice had always looked up to him as a big brother.

  "Really?" Caprice's eyes widened. "I haven't seen him for ages."

  "Mama's planning a big feed for Karl. She and Papa would love to see you. You'll have to come."

  "Okay. Just let me know when, and I'll be there, even if I have to take a day off from work. I've put in so may hours lately, they owe me time off."

  "I'll let you know exactly when as soon as Mama decides. Joel said he might drop by too."

  "Joel? You've talked to Joel about Karl?"

  I turned to go down the road to Caprice's house. "I saw him at the, uh, beach this morning. Just happened to run into him, and told him about Karl being sent to Vietnam."

  "Viet what? Where's that? You didn't say anything about that!"

  I pulled up in front of Caprice's house and stopped. The paint was faded and the yard overgrown. "Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you. Karl will be home on leave, then sent to Vietnam. It's in Southeast Asia."

  "What? The Navy couldn't find any place farther away to send him and still be on the same planet? Sheesh. They might as well be sending him to Antarctica!"

  It was sweet of Caprice to be so concerned about Karl. But then, she'd always thought of him as the brother she never had. "Yeah, it's pretty far away, all right." I wondered if Caprice would ask me in. She seemed in a talking mood, but she made no move in that direction, so I just sat.

  "I just can't believe that he's going to be so far away. I mean, we're practically grown up, and now—" She stopped and chewed her lip. "What about you and Nolan? How's that going?"

  "Oh ... it's wonderful. Nolan is so devoted to me."

  "Really? I wonder what Karl will think of him."

  "Um, uh, Nolan won't be there."

  "He's not coming to the party? Why not, if he's so 'devoted' to you?"

  "He just can't."

  "Well, if he were my—"

  A car pulled into the driveway and Caprice's mother got out with an oily-haired guy who looked as if he were once handsome, but now was red-faced and seedy.

  "Ugh. It looks as if my mother has dragged home another barfly. Can we get out of here? Go somewhere else?"