Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘We can work it out, Holly,’ he said, reaching out to take her hands in his. ‘We have something special too. If nothing is going to happen with you and Josh, we can work on things. On us.’

  She didn’t know what to think. Maybe he was right and they could work it out. They’d been happy before Josh had arrived back on the scene. They’d been planning to get married. Surely they could get back to that couple. And maybe in time she could forget about Josh and she could grow to love David even more.

  ‘So what do you think, Holly?’ His eyes were dancing on a bed of tears. Almost manic-looking. Pleading. ‘We could move. We could sell up here and move far away from all your memories. It would be a fresh start for us. I love you, Holly. I have enough love for the both of us and I can make you love me in time.’

  ‘David, I –’ She couldn’t finish as a sob escaped her lips and all of a sudden she was crying.

  ‘Come here, love,’ he said, folding her into his arms. ‘It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.’

  She couldn’t do it to him. She allowed herself a few moments to lean her head on his shoulder, knowing that it would be the last time, and then pulled away. She spread her left hand out in front of her and wriggled the engagement ring off her finger.

  ‘No, Holly. Please –’

  ‘David, I’m so sorry. But we can’t do this.’

  ‘Of course we can,’ he said, taking a cloth hanky out of his pocket to wipe the corner of his eyes. ‘You and Josh were children. You said so yourself. And we always look at the past with rose-coloured glasses. Your mind is clouded by the memories of the past but we can make memories too. Wonderful memories. And in time, those memories will replace the ones you have of him.’

  She shook her head and gripped his hand tightly. ‘I love you, David. I really do. But it’s not enough. I don’t feel the way I should feel about somebody I’m about to marry. I know that now. And I can’t marry you in the hope that those feelings will grow. It wouldn’t be fair.’

  ‘Well, we don’t have to get married.’ His voice was going up a notch and he was beginning to sound desperate. ‘We can just take things back to how they were before the engagement. Forget all the wedding stuff. It was putting you under too much pressure. And I can tell Mum to back off from –’

  ‘David, no!’ She had to be firm with him. To make him understand. ‘I’m not going to change my mind. I’ll pack up a few things tonight and come back for the rest over the next few days.’

  He opened his mouth to speak again but she stared him down and he seemed to get the message. His head dropped and she watched as tears spilled down his face. She could hardly breathe as she watched him, and she was reminded of a nineteen-year-old girl who’d just lost the love of her life. She felt her own face wet with tears as she thought about her childhood and how simple and wonderful everything had been.

  ‘Promise me we’ll be best friends forever,’ said Holly, swinging her legs as she balanced on the silver-coloured railings outside her house. ‘Say it.’ She looked pleadingly at the seven-year-old boy who’d been her friend since preschool. ‘You have to say “best friends forever” and we link our little fingers and then it will come true.’

  Chapter 36

  Josh didn’t have cancer. He sat in his car outside the school, relief coursing through his body. The bell had rung just fifteen minutes before, signalling the end of the school day. He’d switched on his phone as the boys lined up impatiently to leave, and his heart had leapt with fright. Two missed calls from his doctor. He’d gotten the boys out as quickly as possible and dashed out to the car to return the call. He hadn’t been able to breathe as he’d waited for Dr Kim to come to the phone.

  The preliminary results were in and they were all clear. She hadn’t wanted to keep him waiting, in light of how worried he’d been. He’d been reassured to a certain extent with the blood tests, but when they’d prepped him to have that camera inserted, all his fears had come rushing back. He’d been convinced he was going to get bad news and had barely slept for the last couple of days as a result. He couldn’t actually believe that he was okay. She’d suggested that he probably had irritable bowel syndrome – or IBS, as she’d referred to it. His flare-ups seemed to be connected with stress so, given the tests were clear, IBS seemed to be the most likely diagnosis. She was going to prescribe him tablets for it and monitor how he felt for the next while.

  He couldn’t wait to get home to tell Stephanie. Things had been good between them this week. She’d said she felt more energised and was in much better form. And he’d managed to put thoughts of Holly aside and was making a better effort with Stephanie. He headed out of the school gates in the direction of home. And it really did feel like home now.

  ‘Come on, Steph,’ he said, bursting in the door twenty minutes later. ‘We’re going out.’

  ‘Are we?’ She appeared at the kitchen door. ‘Where are we going? I was just about to make us some lunch.’

  ‘We’re celebrating so I’m taking you to that new Italian restaurant in the village.’

  Her eyes lit up. ‘That’s supposed to be gorgeous. And what are we celebrating?’

  ‘Loads of things,’ he said, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know … the baby, our relationship, the fact I love you so much …’

  She pulled away to look at him. ‘You’re acting really weird, Josh. Did something happen?’

  ‘Just a little phone call to tell me I have the all-clear and I’m not going to die after all!’

  ‘Oh, Josh, that’s fantastic,’ she said, hugging him tightly. ‘I’m so happy for you. For us. And for this little one, of course.’ She patted her stomach and Josh’s heart soared.

  Suddenly her phone began to ring in her pocket, breaking the spell of the moment. But she pulled it out and ended the call, without even looking to see who it was.

  ‘You didn’t have to do that,’ said Josh. ‘You could have taken it.’

  ‘I did have to do it, Josh. The rest of the day is about you and me. Nobody else.’

  The phone rang again and this time she switched it off altogether. ‘There,’ she said. ‘No phone for the rest of the day.’

  ‘But what if it was an emergency? What if it was your mother?’ It wasn’t like Stephanie to ignore a call.

  ‘Well then she’d ring your phone if she really needed to get me. Anyone who matters to me has your number so it’s not as though I’m not contactable.’

  Josh was happy to have Stephanie’s full attention. She was so attached to her phone that it was sometimes difficult to have a proper conversation with her. If she wasn’t answering phone calls, she was checking her Facebook or Twitter. ‘Shall we go, then? It’s past lunchtime so it shouldn’t be too busy.’

  ‘But I haven’t showered yet and I’ll need to change.’ She indicated her jeans and T-shirt but Josh thought she’d never looked so beautiful.

  ‘You’re perfect as you are, Steph. Maybe we can shower together later.’

  She giggled at that and they headed outside to the car. But just as they were reversing out of the driveway, Josh spotted his mother pulling up outside. She never visited unannounced and liked to wait for an official invitation before she’d call to see them. Josh parked the car, hoping nothing was wrong.

  ‘Mum, what are you doing here?’ he said, hopping out of the car and walking across the road to her. ‘Stephanie and I were just heading out.’

  ‘Well, that’s a lovely way to greet your mother.’ She took a Tesco bag out of the car, and Josh noticed she had a twinkle in her eye. ‘I thought you’d be delighted to see me.’

  ‘I … yes, of course. You know I always love to see you. I’m just surprised, that’s all. To what do I owe the pleasure? Actually, hang on. I’ll just let Stephanie know we’re not going out.’

  ‘Hold your horses, Josh. You two can head on out. I’m not here to see you.’

  ‘You’re not
here to see me?’ He looked around him, confused. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I have a date.’

  ‘You have a date?’

  ‘Josh, stop repeating everything I say. Yes, I have a date. Is that so unbelievable?’

  ‘Of course not.’ He wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not. ‘Anyone I know?’

  ‘Well, yes, as it happens. It’s John. And it’s not really a date. I was just teasing you.’

  ‘John?’

  ‘What did I say about repeating everything I said?’ She smoothed down her grey coat and Josh recognised it as her Sunday best. ‘John Fogarty from number forty-four. And Simon, of course.’

  Josh was gobsmacked. ‘But how … when …?’

  ‘John and I have chatted a bit on the phone since we met here last month. And did you know he’s been in hospital?’

  ‘I did, yes. To have his hip done.’

  ‘And did you also know he doesn’t have a single family member around? His wife is dead and his only daughter is in Australia. There’s nobody to visit him or to see if he’s okay.’

  ‘I didn’t, actually. He always seems so upbeat. So happy. I suppose I never asked.’

  ‘Loneliness isn’t a badge, Josh, love. It doesn’t scream out to announce its presence to the world. John is lonely. Much like myself. I went to visit him in hospital. He’s a good man.’

  Josh suddenly realised his mother looked relaxed and happy. She looked younger somehow and her eyes were full of life. ‘That’s great, Mum. So are you two, you know …’

  ‘Josh O’Toole! Get your mind out of the gutter. We’re friends, that’s all. Two lonely old souls keeping each other company.’ She indicated the bag in her hand. ‘I picked him up a few bits in Tesco since he won’t be able to get out for a few days, and I’m going to make him some dinner.’

  ‘Well, I’m delighted for you. For you both.’ He reached over and kissed her on the cheek. ‘Tell him I said hello and I’ll pop in tomorrow to see if he needs anything.’

  He hopped back into the car where Stephanie was listening to the radio, oblivious to what had just transpired. ‘Wait until I tell you about Mum,’ said Josh, starting the engine again.

  ‘So we’re still going? Thank God for that. I didn’t want to get out of the car in case we wouldn’t be able to get rid of her.’

  Josh didn’t bother telling Stephanie about his mother. She wasn’t interested. She’d never been interested in his family. It didn’t usually bother him but this time he felt angry. Upset. Something his mother had said struck a chord with him. Loneliness. It doesn’t scream out to announce its presence. It was a shock for him to realise it but, just like his mother, he was lonely too.

  After just an hour at the restaurant, where they’d talked mostly about what type of engagement ring Stephanie wanted, they were back home. It was only just gone five but Stephanie had changed immediately into her pyjamas, stating that she was fit for nothing except lying on the sofa for the rest of the evening.

  ‘Why don’t you head up for a bit of a sleep, Steph? You look exhausted.’

  ‘Maybe. But only if you come with me.’ She fluttered her eyelids and Josh smiled.

  ‘I’ll join you later but I fancy going to the gym for an hour first.’

  ‘To the gym?’ she said, looking at him strangely. ‘After all that food?’

  ‘I’ll just do some weight training. All upper body, so it’ll be fine.’

  She flicked the telly on and Josh was glad she’d lost interest in the conversation. He ran upstairs to throw some things into a bag and was back down in minutes. ‘See you later,’ he said, kissing her on the top of her head. ‘I won’t be long and I have a key if you decide to go to bed.’

  He sped off down the road, his head awhirl with thoughts. If he was really quick, he might just about make it on time. He hated lying to Stephanie. But he had no choice. There was something he needed to do and he couldn’t tell her about it. Somebody he needed to see. He drove through the village and was pleased to see the little flower shop on the main street was still open. He parked right outside, hoping there weren’t any traffic wardens about, and rushed in just as they were putting the Closed sign up.

  ‘Sorry, sir,’ said an elderly lady. ‘We’re closed.’

  ‘Please,’ he said. ‘It’s important.’ He glanced quickly around the shop and pointed to a small arrangement of lemon and white roses. ‘Those. I’ll take those. Look, I have the exact cash.’

  She nodded and handed him the flowers, taking his twenty euros from him. He breathed a sigh of relief as he got back in the car and went on his way. Thankfully most of the traffic was going in the opposite direction so he made it to his destination in twenty minutes. He got parking easily enough and rushed across the road, carefully carrying the flowers at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get damaged. His heart began to beat quickly as he approached the gates and he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. He’d spent so many years being afraid of this. Afraid of the power of his emotions. But he was determined. The air seemed to turn icy so he zipped his jacket right up before striding purposefully through the gates of the cemetery.

  Chapter 37

  ‘My head is spinning,’ said Milly, staring at Holly. ‘I can’t believe so much has happened in less than a week. It was only Monday when I saw you last.’

  Holly sat forward and poured some more tea into her cup. ‘Your head is spinning? Imagine how I feel. I still can’t get my head around everything. My life is a mess and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.’

  It was Saturday morning and Holly was having breakfast with Milly in Avoca in Rathcoole. Since Holly had moved back home with her parents in Kildare, Avoca was a handy midway point to meet. They’d ordered cheese and tomato scones, which were almost the size of their heads and were served with cream cheese and tomato relish. Usually Holly would get stuck into a treat like that, but she wasn’t very hungry. In fact, she’d barely eaten since she’d left David on Wednesday.

  ‘So go on,’ said Milly, cutting little pieces from her scone and popping them into her mouth. ‘Did you leave straight after the conversation? Was it awful, packing up to go?’

  Holly shook her head. ‘I stayed on Tuesday night. I slept in the spare room and told him I’d be gone when he got back from work the following day.’

  ‘Oh God. And were you? Did you not see him again?’

  ‘He didn’t go to work, Milly. It was awful. I didn’t sleep most of the night and fell asleep in the early hours. When I eventually got up around ten, I came downstairs to find him waiting in the kitchen, a cooked breakfast keeping warm in the oven. He said he couldn’t let me go without fighting for me. He said he loved me – would always love me – and that he’d hoped that I’d changed my mind after a night’s sleep.’

  Milly’s eyes were wide listening to the story unfold. ‘And were you tempted? To change your mind, I mean.’

  ‘No, not at all. I felt sure at that stage. It was desperately sad. David did nothing wrong. And I really didn’t want to hurt him. But I was sure.’

  Milly nodded. ‘So you went back home to your parents. What did they say?’

  ‘Mum and Dad are great.’ Holly smiled. ‘They really liked David and wanted us to work out but, at the end of the day, all they want is for me to be happy.’

  ‘So what are you going to do now?’ said Milly. ‘Are you going to try and rebuild your life back in Kildare?’

  Holly shrugged. ‘I honestly don’t know what’s next for me, Milly. I’m really going to have to think about where I’m going to live. Mum and Dad are great and it’s comforting to be back home at the moment, but I’m thirty-two years old. I really don’t want to be back where I was a few years ago, a lonely spinster living with my parents.’

  ‘And what about the new business idea? I know you’re probably not in the right frame of mind to think about it now, but I’d hate to see you let an opportunity like that pass.’

  ‘I won’t,’ said Holly. ‘I’m j
ust going to take some time over Christmas to get my head together and then I’ll contact potential clients. I’ll figure something out.’

  ‘And Josh?’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Is there any hope there? Are you going to tell him about you and David?’

  ‘Definitely not,’ Holly said, probably a little too sharply. ‘I’m sure he’ll find out in time. He’ll bump into David no doubt at some stage, but why would I go to him and tell him?’

  Milly looked at her warily. ‘Maybe because you’re still in love with him?’

  ‘But that’s not enough.’ There was no point in denying the fact that she loved him. Because she did. She was so much in love with Josh that it hurt to even talk about him. ‘He made it clear on Monday night that he and Stephanie have a future together. They’re having a child, Milly. Josh is going to be the father of another woman’s child.’ The words caught in her throat and she could feel tears form at the corners of her eyes.

  ‘Oh, Holly, I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t cry.’

  ‘I’m okay,’ Holly said, wiping her eyes with a serviette. ‘It’s just all so raw. Everything seems to be happening so quickly that I feel like I have no control of my life.’

  Milly indicated to a waiter to bring them some fresh tea, as the other pots had gone cold. ‘Just take it one step at a time. There’s no rush to make any decisions so maybe you should just relax for a few weeks with your parents over Christmas and then decide in the new year what you’re going to do.’

  Holly began to cry again. ‘Six days to Christmas, Milly. Just six days. And it’s my favourite time of the year. Or should I say, used to be!’

  ‘Look, Holly. There’ll be plenty more Christmases. You just need to concentrate on yourself and getting through each day.’

  Holly knew Milly was right. But everywhere she looked there were Christmas trees and decorations, carollers singing on the streets and Christmas music on almost every radio station. These were the things that usually made her happy, but not this year. All the Christmas cheer just made her think about what she’d lost and added to her sadness.