Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘I have to go,’ she said suddenly. ‘There’s somewhere I need to be.’

  Milly looked alarmed. ‘Don’t go yet, Holly. You haven’t even eaten your scone and I’ve ordered more tea. Stay for a while. We can talk some more about things.’

  Holly took her coat off the back of her chair and grabbed her handbag from under the table. ‘I’m all talked out, actually. I just need to be somewhere quiet now. Somewhere peaceful.’

  ‘Holly, no. Don’t go, please. I’m worried about you. What do you mean? What are you going to do?’

  She smiled at her friend’s concern. ‘I’m okay, Milly. Honestly. At least I will be. Thanks for being such a good friend and I promise I’ll ring you tomorrow.’

  She didn’t wait for Milly to object again but dashed out of the restaurant and down the stairs to the exit. She knew where she needed to be. Somewhere away from all the happy Christmas songs and bright, twinkly decorations. She needed to be alone with her thoughts so that she could try and figure some things out. She hopped into her dad’s car and headed towards Dublin.

  Holly’s mood was reflected in the black clouds as she stepped inside the gates of the cemetery. There was a distant rumbling of thunder and it looked as though the sky was going to open and spill its contents. She stepped back as a funeral passed by and it struck her how sad it must be to lose somebody so close to Christmas. Of course, no time was a good time to lose a loved one but it just seemed particularly unfair to have such sadness when the world was celebrating. She made her way down the well-familiar pathway, zig-zagging around the graves, until she got to where her daughter lay.

  As she approached the grave, she noticed a beautiful fresh arrangement of yellow and white roses. It startled her a little because, other than her mum and dad, she was the only one who visited on a regular basis, and she was sure they would have mentioned to her if they’d been. And then it dawned on her. Carina. Holly hadn’t spoken to her since their argument on Monday and she had no doubt that her sister was feeling guilty about what she’d done. Carina didn’t visit the grave often, but when she did, she always said she felt peaceful there. Holly was beginning to feel bad about how she’d spoken to her. Carina may have messed up, but she hadn’t done it with any ill intent. And hadn’t they all made mistakes they wished they could erase?

  She sidled her way through the surrounding graves until she was right in front of Lara’s. Her breath caught in her throat, as it always did, when she read the words on the gravestone.

  Sweet dreams, Lara, our precious angel. Love always. Mum & Dad. 3 May 2001.

  She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. Although she wasn’t religious, it gave her great comfort to imagine Lara in some heavenly place and to believe that, wherever she was, she knew that her mummy loved her and would never forget her. After a few minutes, a great sense of peace enveloped her and she began to feel calm. She’d been questioning herself all week. Wondering if she’d done the right thing and worrying that she’d end up alone for the rest of her life. But she knew now, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’d been right to leave David. She just didn’t love him enough, and fear of being alone wasn’t a good enough reason to stay with somebody.

  Flowers from previous visits lay wilted and dead on the grave so Holly bent down on her hunkers to gather them up. She’d been so anxious to get into the graveyard that she hadn’t stopped for flowers herself, so she was glad of Carina’s brightly coloured arrangement. Just then, she noticed a little card buried in between the heads of the flowers. Placing the dead flowers carefully beside the grave to take to the bin after, she reached forward and pulled the card out. The writing wasn’t Carina’s, yet it was weirdly familiar. And then it dawned on her. Before she even read it. She’d always admired his artistic writing style and her heart began to beat quickly as she read the words.

  To my precious Lara. Always on my mind. Love, Daddy. xxx

  She stood holding the card for a very long time, allowing tears to spill down her face. Josh was the only person in the world who truly knew how she felt and it gave her great comfort to know that he felt the same way too. Lara would connect them to each other for the rest of their lives, no matter what the future held.

  She was suddenly aware of movement beside her and realised somebody had come to visit a nearby grave. She glanced over and saw it was an old lady, her head bent in prayer, a tissue dabbing the corners of her eyes. It was time for Holly to leave and let the woman have her time alone. Holly kissed her hand and placed it on Lara’s name on the gravestone before turning to walk away. Her thoughts turned to Josh and she wondered if he’d ever tell Stephanie about Lara. It didn’t seem right that Stephanie was having what she thought was his first child, when really it was his second. But Holly had enough going on in her own life and didn’t need to be worried about his. He was no longer her problem. No longer her worry. He was no longer hers. Tears began to fall again as she drove off, heading back to a life that she’d once thought she’d left far behind.

  Chapter 38

  Josh paced up and down the living room. He was worried sick. It was early on Sunday morning, and after having such a lovely evening on Friday with Stephanie, the rest of the weekend had fallen apart. Stephanie had been really moody all day Saturday and hadn’t wanted to do anything. He’d suggested they go to town to do some Christmas shopping, but she’d shaken her head and said she couldn’t face the crowds. He’d then tried to talk to her about Christmas Day but she hadn’t wanted to discuss it. He’d already given in to her wishes to have Christmas dinner together at home, but he’d wanted to talk about the evening time and whether they’d have some people over or maybe go visiting. It was only five days to Christmas Day and Josh had never felt so unprepared in his life.

  He checked his phone again but there were no missed calls or messages, so he went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. As he waited for the kettle to boil, he thought back to the previous day and wondered if he could have handled things better. But he honestly wasn’t sure what he could have done differently. After a day of trying to cajole Stephanie out of her mood, he’d eventually given up around tea time. And that’s when she’d turned on him. She’d told him she felt like he was her jailer. That he was keeping her at home, trying to make her into some sort of 1960s home-maker, and that just wasn’t her. He’d been shocked at that because he’d never meant her to feel that way. But once she’d started, there was no stopping her. The words had spilled out. It was as though she had months’ worth of pent-up anger and she was letting it all out at once. Josh was too controlling. He wasn’t supportive. He didn’t understand how she felt. She wasn’t loved enough, appreciated enough, supported enough. It was like a slap in the face to Josh and he’d been really upset at her vicious words. He’d argued back a little but hadn’t wanted to upset her further. So he’d ended up apologising and asking her what she wanted him to do to make things better. But her response to that had been to go upstairs, get herself dolled up and announce that she was going out for the night. He hadn’t wanted her to go out angry and he’d tried to make up with her before she’d left, but she’d stormed out, telling him not to wait up.

  But he had waited up. And waited, and waited. He’d sent her a few texts, which she hadn’t answered, and had tried to ring her a couple of times but the calls had been cut off. It had been two o’clock in the morning when she’d eventually responded to one of his texts and told him that they were all going back to Coco’s apartment for a while and she’d get a taxi home later. But it was now almost 8 a.m. and he hadn’t heard from her since. He took his tea into the living room and sat back on the sofa, cupping his hands around the steaming drink. Flicking around the television channels, he eventually settled on the early-morning news but muted the sound to allow himself to think.

  He’d been trying so hard to make things work between himself and Stephanie that he hadn’t really considered the fact that maybe they just weren’t compatible. He loved her – there was no doubt about that �
�� but it was becoming more and more difficult to be with her. Being with somebody you love shouldn’t be such hard work. And that’s what Stephanie was a lot of the time – hard work. Her moods dictated everything but he’d overlooked that because she was pregnant and had, as she said herself, raging hormones. But as he sat sipping his tea, he asked himself the question that he’d been trying to avoid. Was he really happy?

  Just then he heard a rattle of keys and the front door opening. At last. She obviously thought he was in bed because the next thing he heard was the sound of her footsteps on the stairs. He jumped up, leaving his tea on the little coffee table, and went out to the hall to see her.

  ‘Steph, I’m down here.’

  She turned around and he was shocked at how dishevelled she looked. ‘Oh, hi, Josh. I thought you would have been fast asleep.’

  ‘Are you kidding me? I’ve been worried sick about you. You’ve been out all night.’

  She giggled. ‘No! Have I? I hadn’t realised.’

  He noticed how she was slurring her words and fear coursed through him. ‘Steph, have you been drinking? Please tell me you’re not drunk.’

  She sat down on the stairs. ‘Okay. I’m not drunk.’

  ‘Come into the kitchen and let’s talk,’ he said, panicking. ‘I’ll make you a cup of tea.’

  ‘I don’t want tea. I just want to go to bed.’ She stood up and swayed, and he rushed up to steady her before she fell down the stairs.

  ‘Thanks, love,’ she said, slobbering a kiss on his cheek. ‘I just need some sleep. That’s all.’

  ‘Right, let’s get you upstairs.’ He knew she was either drunk or high but he wanted to get her into bed, out of harm’s way. When she plonked down on the bed and began to strip off her clothes, he tried again. ‘Steph, just tell me. Have you been taking that stuff again?’

  ‘Stuff, schmuff!’ She seemed to find that hilarious and threw her head back, laughing. ‘You’re my fiancé, Josh. Not my father. Lighten up, would you?’

  He began to feel angry. ‘Steph, if you weren’t pregnant, I wouldn’t care so much about what you drank or what you took. And we’ve been through all this before.’

  ‘Yes, we have,’ she said, looking suddenly sober. ‘And I don’t want to keep going through it again and again.’

  He sat down beside her and took her hands. ‘But we will keep going through it if you keep acting like this. You said I’m not your father but you’ve got to stop acting like a child.’

  ‘I’m just enjoying the last of my freedom until this thing,’ she prodded an index finger into her stomach, ‘comes out.’

  Josh felt his blood boiling. ‘You don’t mean that, Steph. You’re not thinking straight and you’re saying things you’ll regret. Just get some sleep and we’ll talk about this more later.’

  She’d laid her head on the pillow and looked as though she was ready to drop off, but as soon as he told her to sleep, she became alert and sat up. ‘No, Josh. We won’t talk about this more later. I’m sick of talking. Talk, talk, talk. That’s all you ever want to do. Let’s discuss Christmas, Steph. Let’s talk about you getting a job, Steph. Can we talk about the baby? The house. The future! Talk, talk, talk. Well, I’m bloody well sick of talking.’

  He knew that there was no point in continuing. Even when she was sober, it was difficult to make her see his point of view, so in her current state, it would be impossible. She was staring at him, willing him to argue back with her, but he wasn’t going to do it. Not now. He walked towards the door.

  ‘Look, Steph,’ he said, rubbing his hand on his forehead. ‘You’ve been up all night. Just sleep for now. We’ll work it all out later. I don’t want to fight with you.’

  ‘Well, maybe I want to fight,’ she said, standing up and walking towards him. She brushed past him and headed for the stairs. ‘Okay, so you wanted to talk. Let’s talk.’

  He sighed as she stormed down the stairs and he had no choice but to follow her. It was all getting out of hand. He was coming across like a strict parent and she was acting like a petulant child. He didn’t want it to be like that with them. They were equals. Partners. And they should have been pulling together and not ripping each other apart. She was already sitting at the kitchen table, tapping her fingernails on it, when he came into the room.

  ‘So, go on, Josh. What did you want to talk about? Give me your words of wisdom.’

  He shook his head. ‘Come on, Steph. Don’t be like this. You know that I only want, I’ve only ever wanted, the best for you and the baby.’

  ‘You’re so bloody obsessed with this baby,’ she said, spitting out the words. ‘It’s only a baby, not the second coming.’

  ‘But it’s our baby. Our first child together. Of course I’m obsessed with it.’

  ‘Hmph!’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Work it out, Josh.’

  Josh felt a chill running down his spine. ‘Work what out? What are you talking about?’

  She shifted uncomfortably on her chair. ‘Nothing. Forget I said anything.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Steph. Just spit it out. What are you trying to say?’

  She pulled a tissue out of the box on the table and began ripping it into tiny pieces and Josh suddenly felt angry. Everything he did was for her and the baby. All his thoughts, all his energy went into making sure the future was secure for all three of them. He’d only ever wanted to make Stephanie happy and he was fed up with how she treated him. Well, he wouldn’t let her away with it any more.

  ‘I don’t know how you can take the high moral ground,’ he said, tears of anger forming in his eyes. ‘I’ve been nothing but good to you and this is how you treat me. You know how important this baby is to me. And I foolishly thought it was important to both of us. But you go out boozing and taking stuff, with not a thought for how it’s affecting the baby. Do you not care if you’re damaging him or her? Does it not matter to you?’

  ‘It shouldn’t matter to you either, Josh.’ She spat the words at him and he was momentarily confused.

  ‘Why shouldn’t it? Of course it matters.’

  ‘Well, it shouldn’t.’ She stood up and went to the sink and poured herself a glass of water from the tap.

  The next exchange happened in slow motion for Josh as he suddenly knew what she was going to say before she even said it. The word came out as barely a whisper. ‘Stephanie?’

  She turned around and looked him right in the eye. ‘Because, Josh, the baby isn’t yours. It’s not yours, okay? You’re a school teacher, for God’s sake. Could you not have figured it out?’

  His eyes went to her stomach and the room began to spin. His baby. Not his baby. He couldn’t believe it. All this time and she’d been pregnant with someone else’s baby. He couldn’t get his head around it. He wasn’t going to be a daddy. He wasn’t going to have his little bundle of joy. Tears began to spill down his face and he had to reach out to the kitchen counter to balance himself.

  ‘Say something, Josh,’ said Stephanie, her voice beginning to sound worried. ‘I … I wanted to tell you. But you were so happy. So excited. I wanted it to be yours. I really did. And it still can be.’

  ‘Who?’ That was all he could manage.

  ‘That doesn’t matter,’ she said, standing up and walking towards him. ‘I don’t want to be with him. It’s you I want. It’s always been you.’

  ‘Who is he?’ The words came out as a roar, surprising even himself, and Stephanie backed away.

  ‘You don’t know him,’ she said. ‘Leo. He’s a film director I met at a party last summer. It was a mistake, Josh. I promise. It was only that once and it will never happen again.’

  Josh felt as though he was in a nightmare and closed his eyes, willing himself to wake up. But when he opened them again, Stephanie was still staring at him and the reality of the situation threatened to choke him. He walked in a daze over to a chair and sat down heavily.

  ‘When?’

  Stephanie looked scared. ‘Whe
n what?’

  ‘When were you with him? How do you know the baby isn’t mine?’

  She had the grace at least to look guilty. ‘While you were away. Last summer. As I said, it was only the once but –’

  ‘The scan!’

  ‘What?’ said Stephanie, looking at him uncertainly.

  ‘The dates on the scan. They were right after all. How could I have been so stupid?’ He leaned forward on his elbows and put his head into his hands.

  ‘I was just waiting for the right time to tell you, Josh. I shouldn’t have told you like this, but Leo said if I didn’t tell you, he would. It’s been so difficult for me these last few months.’

  He glared at her then. ‘For you? Difficult for you? It’s always about you, isn’t it, Stephanie. Poor little girl. Well, you’ve rightly made a mug of me, haven’t you? You weren’t a poor little girl when you jumped into bed with that guy the moment my back was turned. Where did it happen? Was it in our house? Our bed? Oh God, I feel sick at the thought.’

  ‘Stop, Josh,’ she said, beginning to cry. ‘Don’t do this.’

  ‘Don’t you dare play the victim this time, Stephanie. Don’t you dare!’ He was more angry and upset than he’d ever been in his life. His whole world had come crashing down around him and he wasn’t sure what to do. All the happiness he’d thought was in his future had just been wiped out and he’d never felt more alone. He looked across the table at her and took a few deep breaths before he spoke again. He needed to know for sure.

  ‘Are you absolutely sure? I mean about the dates? Is it definitely not mine?’

  She nodded slowly. ‘I’m sure. The dates match up. It’s not your baby. But it could be, Josh. Nobody else would have to know.’

  He couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. ‘I’m going to pack a few things and go to my mother’s. You can stay here if you like but I won’t be paying the rent any longer.’