Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

  RYAN: Would you like to see the goods?

  ME: No thank you. No more cock pics for me.

  He sent it anyway. This pissed me off. I can clearly see this guy is disrespectful.

  Even after that, I continued to talk to him, but every time the subject of meeting comes up, he goes quiet for a while. He’s now cancelled on me three times. I finally told him to either meet me or delete me.

  I know he isn’t married. I’ve Googled him. He is somewhat of a local celebrity. I think he is just a busy, damaged guy who wants to have somebody on the end of a text when he’s feeling lonely.

  Our conversations often end up with us talking about meeting. Though it always seemed awfully one sided on my part, as I couldn’t engage him. When I questioned him about not appearing to be bothered with meeting he said he was, “totally bothered,” and he no idea what I was on about. I explained to him that whenever we get down to the finer details of meeting, he disappears. Which, of course, he denied. So, I decided not to text on a day that we were supposed to be meeting. By four in the afternoon, I still hadn’t heard anything from him.

  At five, he finally texted me, “Do we have plans for tonight?” I think he was hoping that I would say to just forget it because he hadn’t texted. That I would make it easy for him. He wouldn’t have to make the decision, I would have made it for him. I decided I wasn’t going to make it easy for him at all.

  ME: Yes, if you like.(I, of course, knew what was coming next.)

  RYAN: Well, I am not feeling it really. We seem to fight all the time.

  ME: Okay, I knew you would say that anyway.

  RYAN: Well, why did you continue if you knew what the outcome was going to be?

  I was bitchy, I won’t deny it. But I was angry.

  ME: Well, you’re in my book, I needed an ending.

  RYAN: Thank you for wasting months of my time.

  Now, I dispute this statement. I think he was the time waster. I wanted to meet this guy. He was a famous(ish) stand-up comic - remember I Googled him. I thought he would be different and interesting. He was just such a busy guy, and clearly, didn’t have much time for me.

  Another several months passed, and out of the blue I get the text again. “Hello stranger.” I didn’t respond. I was in a relationship, and really, what would be the point?

  He continued to message me, and in the end, I finally did respond.“I’ve met somebody.”

  That didn’t deter him, and he continued to text, asking if I would meet him, give him another chance. I find this kind of thing highly amusing, and I really wonder what makes a man like this tick. What is the damaged secret he harbors?

  Les from Preston

  I got a message by a guy in Preston. I have no idea why I responded; he was so not my type. He obviously was a body builder, with an amazing body, which intimidated me straight away. My first thought was, “Why would somebody who clearly works out and looks after himself want a wobbly fifty-year-old, overweight(ish) woman?” Actually, there is no “ish” about it. I am overweight, just in denial. Besides being a bodybuilder, Les was only five-foot-seven, and had no hair. He was so not my type, but I responded.

  After about three or four messages he asked me if I was still with my ex-boyfriend and mentioned him by name. This freaked me out. I asked him how he knew my ex-boyfriend.

  HIM: Sasha, its Les. I used to lodge with you about a year or so ago

  I felt stupid.

  ME: Oh my God! Hi. Sorry, I didn’t recognize you. How long did you live with me?

  HIM: Eight months

  He asked me out for a drink. I was surprised and had no idea where that had come from. When he was a lodger, I never got the feeling that there was something there. Apparently, he had always fancied me. Who knew?

  As we continued to explore that topic, the conversation got dirtier and dirtier. I didn’t like it. Les told me that he would often wank knowing that just a wall separated us. He would wonder what I would do if he came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and got into bed with me. Uhhh…creepy? Things continued to get more uncomfortable as told me he would watch me sometimes and I would he oblivious. I found out that was the subject of his fantasies when he was living with me, and he was excited that we were now talking. Les let me know he hoped that he would get to carry these fantasies out.

  I was beyond uncomfortable at this point and needed the conversation to change direction. While it’s quite nice hearing that you have driven a man crazy, it isn’t very nice if that is all he wants from you, and I was feeling like it was.

  The conversation did change direction and we got back to a point where we were texting what I consider to be normal stuff. He was quite a big texter. I liked that.

  One day I got a text early in the morning. “Morning, sexy. Are you in work today?”

  ME: Yes. Is there any way you can meet up today for a quick coffee, say around 4:30?

  He didn’t reply. At quarter to two, I texted him again. “Hello. You’re quiet today.”

  Fifteen minutes later I got a response. “Soz hun, been at my mums she’s been ill xx”’

  I know the grammar was bad in that sentence, but I copied his text to the letter. There were a few texts back and forth about his mum, and then, I sent one I think I was right to say. “Didn’t mean to get needy on you, but I had asked to meet. Saw you had been online and not replied, normal actions of aninternet dating guy.”

  No reply.

  Now if this had been anybody else from the wonderful world of internet dating, I would have understood. This guy had lived with me for eight months, and he had apparently fancied me the whole time. You send one text, and it’s over. How fickle was that?

  Two weeks later he came back. I received a WhatsApp message.

  HIM: Hi, hope you ok soz not been in touch lost your no and my mum been ill hope you ok xx

  ME: Lost my number? How? And where did you find it again?

  HIM: My phone rebooted and all numbers gone but SD card bk in and most of no were there x

  Really, the guy hasn’t been in touch for two weeks in the digital age? I didn’t believe for one minute that he lost my number. I didn’t respond right away to the text because I was tempted to have a go at him. So, I left it.

  I didn’t manage to ignore him, and we started texting and chatting once again. He told me that he had changed jobs for more suitable times. He had been a baker getting up at four in the morning, and having to go to bed about five in the evening. His new job was on a building site, so he could be a bit more sociable.

  Les wanted to see me. I wasn’t really that interested, to be honest. I couldn’t remember much about him from when he was my lodger. I do remember thinking, though, that he was a nice quiet man who seemed to have a sad soul. Eventually, I agreed to meet him, only because I had previously known him.

  Les is a gym fanatic, and you can tell by his body. It’s not just a hobby for him, it’s a lifestyle choice. Everything from the types of food he eats to the people he lodges with now. He lodges in a house with some other guys. These things all add up to me having to be careful in our conversations. We really had nothing in common.

  I engaged well in the texting all week. I wouldn’t really talk about sex with him, but I tried to look keen. Not too keen, though. The night before the date he texted me to tell me that he was really looking to meeting me. I replied with all the relevant jargon.

  The following morning, I waited for the text. Nothing came. I checked my WhatsApp, and he had blocked me. I checked the dating site, and he had blocked me. So, he had spent months and months and months trying to get my attention, and the day of the date he blocks me?

  On to the next one, I guess.

  Dominic from Manchester

  I wanted to put this story in because I had an honest conversation with this guy that I felt might be important to some of you ladies who are reading this. I started talking to Dominic, he was 39 and a Lawyer (so he says), and we had some good conversations. After about a month
when he hadn’t asked for my number or to meet, I think I realized this was a man who was talking to waste time (clearly getting over something and hiding behind a screen). Eager men ask for your number. The fact that after a month he hadn’t asked, I started to hear the alarm bells.

  One day I broached the subject of meeting and he seemed evasive. Now, at this point, I should just have moved on(that’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?). But something inside of me wanted to push it to a conclusion.

  So, I asked him about a date. To my surprise, he agreed.

  A couple of days before as we talked, he started talking about workload. You know what’s coming, right? Yep, the day before our arranged meet up, he said he had to go to Cardiff or Edinburgh, and would have to cancel. I probably should have walked away. But, noooo, I kept going. I told him no worries and we made another date.

  Guess what happened next. Go on. I bet just from what you’ve read about this internet dating thing so far, you can get it right. You’re right, he suddenly unmatched me so that I couldn’t contact him again.

  Oh, but wait! That’s not the end of this story. Remember, this is a Boomerang.

  Then six months later he contacted me on the site. To say I was surprised would be one of the biggest understatements ever uttered.

  DOMINIC: How are you?

  ME: Good, thanks. What happened to you before?

  DOMINIC: I don’t really know. I know I disappeared on your after we had some really great chats. I deleted my account without knowing that would delete all my contacts.

  Really? Come on! You’re a lawyer. Intelligent, articulate and most importantly well educated. You didn’t think if you deleted your account all your contacts would go with it?

  ME: I decided, upon advice from friends, to write a book about my internet experiences. I have many fascinating stories and decided to write about them. For research purposes only and with no judgements or criticism – because of the frequency – I would really like to ask you a question and you give me an honest answer and not block me. Would you?

  DOMINIC: Um…. Ok

  ME: Ok, so you’re in the middle of a conversation with a lady, there has been a discussion about meeting – you have been talking a month or so. Why suddenly delete your account in the middle of that conversation and connection? Be brutal. Be honest.

  DOMINIC: Ok…. So first, when we matched again I was hoping I might have a chance to rebuild that bridge I had burnt, but probably not by the sound of it. As for what happened back then? It’s true, I didn’t realize what I was doing deleting my account. I just needed a couple of days away from the site. But beyond that, I was in the middle of a separation and panicking about being found on the site by my wife’s friends. If I’d had a clearer head, I would have gotten your number first. I think chatting with you was going really well and I liked you a lot.

  ME: Why did you need time out?

  DOMINIC: Was addictive….. Not that I was meeting anyone. But getting matches mainly. The whole thing was a bit strange and superficial. You were one of my good memories though. Even though I messed that up.

  ME: Why weren’t you meeting anybody?

  DOMINIC: Was too soon in separation process. I couldn’t really give anyone a fair chance at that stage. Are you really writing a book?

  ME: Yes

  DOMINIC: I always found you attractive. Am I in the book?

  ME: You weren’t, but you will be now. I have to write this conversation.

  DOMINIC: I was worried that would happen.

  ME: Don’t worry. I don’t use your name. Can I ask you one more question?

  DOMINIC: Ok…for research purposes only though right?

  ME: Yes of course. You ready?

  DOMINIC: Ready

  ME: I don’t know how many women you were talking to at the same time as me – and I am not fishing here – but once you deleted your account did any of them ever cross your mind afterwards? Did you feel bad?

  DOMINIC: Mainly you – and not just saying that to make you feel better. We had some great conversations and it felt real very fast. There were a couple of others I felt a little bad about, but our chats were the most promising and intense. To me anyway.

  Do you think he really answered my question? Do you believe them? I’m still not sure if I do.

  We had a few messages back and forth, but I didn’t reply to his last message. After a couple of days, he unmatched me. I was about to do the same. I mean, why would I subject myself to that again?

  Kevin from Kent

  Kevin again like many others kept checking out my profile. Every time I logged on he had viewed my profile, but he never asked for contact. He would just look. This went on for months. Eventually, I clicked on his profile and clicked “like.” He accepted almost immediately.

  KEVIN: Finally!!

  ME: What?

  KEVIN: I have been trying to get your attention for months.

  ME: Why didn’t you just press like then?

  KEVIN: Because I wanted you to like me.

  ME: Odd lol

  In one of our early conversations, he asked me about my professional life, and found something in common: our love of mental health. Kevin had worked in this sector all his life. He had been a psychiatric nurse, but now held conferences and training courses in London about mental health, and had even written assessment papers to establish whether somebody was a psychopath. This really intrigued me. I was hooked. I remember going to work and rushing home just to continue a conversation. He was that interesting.

  We messaged regularly for a week. He wasn’t my type physically, and he lived in Kent, but I was hooked by our conversations.

  One evening our conversation was just strange…

  KEVIN: I am impatient man and I will delete you from my friends list in 5 minutes

  ME: What!! What have I done?

  KEVIN: Congratulations you passed the psychopath test

  ME: Oh really, that’s good then. How did I do that?

  KEVIN: You just revealed loads about yourself.

  ME: Like what?

  From just that short conversation, he sent hundreds of messages about what I had revealed to him about myself. He was so on the button it freaked me out. I was impressed. He got my personality to a tee. I couldn’t wait to hear more. They were lovely things he was saying; I had a kind heart, I couldn’t say no, I had to be careful because I could be easily controlled. I told me that people around me all assumed, as do strangers, that I am confident because I have a confident air about me. But he knew deep down I was shy and insecure. He said he found that endearing.

  Then things changed.

  One day he said, “I am going to call tonight at 7:15. I want you to imagine that at 7:15 I am going to be knocking at your front door. I want you to feel the nerves and excitement that it will bring. So, be ready when I call.”

  Guess what time the call eventually came? Nine thirty! I was livid. Imagine waiting for somebody to call at a specific time, the impact on your evening, let alone the feelings you have. When I realized the call wasn’t coming, I started to calm down a bit. So, when the phone rang with an unknown caller, I was hesitant to pick it up.

  “Thank God you didn’t knock at my door. I would not have opened it.” I felt he had tried to control me so I hung up and I deleted him from my contact list on the site.

  The next day he tried getting my attention again and asked for contact. I ignored him for a while, but I relented because I felt maybe he was sorry.

  We had really interesting online conversations. He is quite honest and brutish with me. He tells me that I frustrate him because of the “male baggage” that I carry. I like that we can have these kinds of conversations. I think that there was more of a friendship than a romance though.

  I did have a bit of suspicion that he was married. He rarely comes online at weekends, and will not give his mobile number. We had an argument about this once, and that was when he mentionedmy baggage. He said he was just juggling a lot of balls at the mom
ent.

  We messaged fairly frequently, but I started getting bored. I don’t want to just keep messaging men. I want to meet somebody. I decided to force his hand and sent him a message asking when he would be up my way again. He deleted his account.

  Yesterday, I noticed that he had reinstated his account and had ‘liked’ me. This kind of behavior infuriates me.

  Bryn from Darwen (Audi R8 Man)

  This guy sent me a message on the dating site. I read his profile and to be honest, the only thing that I quite liked was that he lived nearby. These days that’s a good matching criteria.

  We started talking and at one point he sent me a message about how weird the site was. I replied saying something rather tongue in cheek like, “I hate it, come and rescue me.” He replied, “Let’s meet then.” This seemed a curve ball because usually, I spend some time talking before we move to a date. But we arranged to meet.

  We arranged to meet, agreeing on a time and location, but when I started asking for specific details, like his mobile number, he became all very mysterious. He wouldn’t give me his mobile number, saying he would give it to me only if there was a spark once we’d met. I thought this was odd.

  He wouldn’t even tell me what car he would be driving until I explained that I wasn’t out to scam him; it was about my safety, and knowing what to look for in the car park. He said that he had an Audi R8 – apparently, this was of some significance as I found out later, it was quite expensive.

  One piece of information he had no problem telling was that he had one rule on a first date. My heart sank wondering what was coming next, my experience with online dating had prepared me for disappointment.

  HIM: There is to be no touching, not even a punch.

  ME: Ok, sounds good. But I am alarmed as to why a punch would be required.

  Now because he was being all mysterious and said he wouldn’t give me his number until after we met, in case there was not a spark, I became a little suspicious. I asked him if he was married.

  HIM: If I’m married, why am I on here looking to have a relationship and meet you?

  Clearly, I thought, you need to read my book.