Disclosures - SF4

by Meagher, Susan X

  "I know this sounds crazy, Jamie, but I was in some sort of fugue. I never thought I’d say this, but I felt like I had temporary amnesia for a minute. I was truly out of my mind."

  Jamie reflected on her partner’s statement. It made sense, in a way, even though it was terribly hurtful. Nonetheless, it was understandable that Ryan would be confused and thrown off her stride by Sara’s unexpected visit. But something was eating at her, and she couldn’t resist asking, "Ryan, I have to ask you this, and I want you to be honest with me. I want you to search your soul before you answer, so please consider this carefully. If you were not with me now, would you have made love to Sara today?"

  The speed with which Ryan replied took Jamie by complete surprise. "I don't have to look very far for that answer, Jamie. I would have made love with Sara today if I were not committed to you." She saw the stunned look on her lover's face and added, "But that's not the important question. The important question is: who would I choose if both of you existed in my mind?"

  She could see that Jamie was holding her breath, so she answered quickly, "I don't have to look very far for that answer either, Honey. I choose you. I choose you for today, and tomorrow, and for all of the days of my life. I love you, Jamie. I always will love you and I want nothing more than to wake up next to you until I never wake up again."

  Jamie's lower lip began to quiver as she fought for control, "But if that's true, why would you have made love with her today?"

  "Because I loved her," she said simply. "She was the only other woman I had ever loved—and I would have jumped at the chance to be with her if I didn’t have you. She meant more to me than anyone ever had, Jamie." Ryan gathered her partner into her arms and gave her an emotion-filled hug. "That’s all in the past now, Jamie. What I felt for Sara was love—I admit that freely. But that feeling, as powerful as it was, is nothing compared to what I feel for you. Only you can reach that hidden part of my soul that I show to no one else." Ryan dropped from the bench and knelt in front of her partner. "I love only you, Jamie. You're the last woman in my life," she whispered fervently as she laid her head in Jamie's lap. "I’m so very, very sorry that I’ve hurt you," she whispered, her voice ragged and thin. "I’d do anything to take back what happened today."

  Jamie ran her fingers through the ebony tresses as they both shed a few more tears, neither able to change the events of the past hours, no matter how they wished they could. After a long while she pulled Ryan to her feet as she stood up on shaky legs. It was nearly nine o'clock, but for once in her life Ryan was not hungry. Jamie looked up at her and asked, "Can we go to bed?"

  "There's no place I'd rather be," she agreed.

  They crawled into bed together, after hastily stripping off their clothes. Ryan held her partner in her strong arms, rocking her slowly as she ran her fingers through her hair. She rocked her until she felt her begin to drift off, murmuring the whole while, "Only you, Jamie. I love only you."

  Part 11

  As Ryan’s eyes blinked open on Wednesday morning, she shivered a bit at the chill that pervaded the room. It was early, she reasoned, as the sky was just lightening to show a touch of blue at the base of the indigo darkness. She turned over and lay on her back, wriggling around quietly to stretch it out. Her right hand reached out automatically to make sure the sheet was covering Jamie, knowing that the chill would disturb her partner if she was not properly protected. To her surprise, a soft voice said, "Hi."

  Turning quickly, Ryan felt a stab of pain hit her as she focused on her lover. Blood-shot green eyes blinked at her, tiny smudges of violet creating faint half-moons under the sleep-deprived orbs. A wave of guilt washed over Ryan as she realized that while she had slept peacefully and well, her partner had obviously been awake for some time, if not the entire night. The guilt and compassion she felt showed clearly on her face, and Jamie grasped the hand that moved to caress her. She placed a kiss on the fingers and whispered, "I’m okay, Honey. I just had a hard time staying asleep."

  Ryan gathered her in her arms, unable to say anything to assuage the pain that she had caused. She held Jamie tenderly, running her hand through her hair while she stroked her bare back. They lay together, Jamie’s warm breath flowing over Ryan’s chest, for a long while, neither speaking a word. At 5:15 Ryan’s watch alarm began to beep, and she placed a gentle kiss on Jamie’s head and released her hold. She stumbled into the bath and took a quick shower, knowing that she had to get something into her stomach before she could go on her run.

  To her shock, when she emerged from her room, Jamie was sitting on the bed, tying her running shoes.

  "Are you going with me?"

  Jamie gave Ryan a look that indicated her displeasure at her partner’s obvious amazement. "I have run before, Ryan," she said briskly, tugging on a tan cotton Cal baseball cap.

  "I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t run with me if you wanted to, Jamie," she said softly, settling the cap squarely on her partner’s head. "I just didn’t think this was how you liked to spend your mornings. That’s all, Honey. Really."

  Jamie grasped one of the hands that now rested on her shoulders and brushed the knuckles with a light kiss. "I’m a little grouchy, Babe. I’m just feeling a little sensitive."

  "I’m glad you’re going with," Ryan said honestly. "I’d like to have you close today." Ryan dropped to her knees in front of her partner so that she could look directly into her eyes. "I’m gonna skip my run today, Honey. It’s obvious you had a very tough night. Why don’t we get back into bed and cuddle for a few hours." Her expression was one of complete empathy, and Jamie felt some of the chill in the room start to melt.

  She ran a hand through Ryan’s dark hair, working out a few tangles that brisk drying had caused. "I appreciate the offer, Ryan, but we’re up now so we may as well go. I think it would help my golf game to increase the stamina of my legs," she replied, getting to her original reason for participating in the run. "I know I’ll have more determination to stick with it if I’m with the real jocks."

  "You are a real jock, Stud Muffin," Ryan insisted, leaning in and ducking the bill of the cap for a small kiss.

  They arrived at the designated meeting area at six a.m. sharp. Coach Placer and his assistants were already there, ticking off names on a clipboard. Ryan had been told that the runs were optional, but she had a feeling that the main option was whether or not she wanted to play during the season. The fact that the coach took attendance cemented that idea.

  The other team members were slowly straggling over, most of them very bleary eyed. Jamie walked up to the coaching staff and reintroduced herself, greeting all three with poise. Coach Placer invited her to join the group whenever she chose, welcoming her to run at the back of the pack with him if the team members were too fast for her at first.

  At 6:05 he decided that the latecomers would just have to catch up on their own. He marked off everyone in attendance and told them to get going, smiling to himself as the ragtag team members stumbled away in groups of two or three. About 12 women were present, and Ryan recognized a few of them from Monday’s run and Tuesday’s workout.

  As they started off she said to Jamie, "What pace do you feel most comfortable with?"

  "Evolutionary," she mumbled.

  Ryan patted her gently on the back and said, "Okay, I can do that one."

  They proceeded at Jamie’s preferred pace for a short while, but Ryan was not running like she normally did. Her gait was heavier, and Jamie could hear her foot strike, an anomaly for the normally light-footed runner. "How do you normally start?" Jamie asked.

  "I like to do a very quick first mile to clear my head and find my pace. But this works, too," she insisted.

  Jamie rolled her eyes and said, "I don’t need you to hang back here, Honey. I’ll get a workout at this pace, but you won’t. Now go on—shoo!"

  "You sure you don’t mind if I take off?" It was clear that she wanted to go, but equally obvious that she wanted to stay and be supportive of Jamie’s ef
forts.

  "Not at all. Just don't leave without me."

  The wounded look that flitted across Ryan’s face made Jamie wish she could yank her last comment right back. She shook her head and tried to soothe the hurt away. "I meant that as a tease, Honey. Things just aren’t coming out right today."

  Ryan nodded, adding a weak smile. "I know it’s hard today, Jamie. Let me go blow some energy out and I’ll be back in a few." She leaned over and gave her a little kiss. When Jamie looked up in surprise she said, "Might as well get them used to it right away." She shot her a grin and took off, gliding down the street in her inimitable style.

  Now that’s better, she mused as she watched Ryan quickly become a blur in the distance. "Pardon?" she asked, snapping her attention back into focus.

  The woman who was speaking to her was tall, and blonde, and drop-dead gorgeous. There was something familiar about her, and Jamie narrowed her eyes in contemplation, trying to recall if they had been in classes together. She looked a little like an L.A. surfer, tons of bronzed skin showing against the bright yellow running shorts and sky blue singlet that barely covered her body. The sleekly muscled body made a strong statement that she was an athlete, but the vaguely Nordic features and cool blue eyes gave the impression that they belonged to a high fashion model. "I said that I didn't think we'd met before," the woman said in a voice that was higher pitched than Jamie would have chosen for such an imposing figure. "I'm Jordan Ericsson."

  "Nice to meet you, Jordan, I'm Jamie Evans. We spoke on the phone the other day."

  "So we did," she said with the beginnings of a smile warming up her frosty countenance. "It’s good to meet you in person, Jamie," she said in a friendly, welcoming tone. They ran along for a few hundred yards, Jamie struggling a bit to keep up with the long, smooth stride of the leggy blonde.

  Jordan cast a glance or two at Jamie’s heaving chest and finally asked, "Do you run often?"

  "No," she admitted with a small laugh. "I'm trying to use you all to motivate me to run. It’s not my natural state," she said needlessly.

  "I see," said Jordan, casting a smirk at the panting woman. "Did you want to run alone, or did Ryan abandon you?"

  That particular choice of words did not go down well after the events of the previous night, but Jamie did her best to hide the pained look that tried to surface. "She’s far too quick for me to keep up with," she explained, thinking that phrase applied to many areas. "It didn’t seem fair to ask her to hang out back here."

  "She did seem pretty quick," Jordan agreed. "But I think the view back here is much more pleasant." Her expression was still very cool, and Jamie was puzzled as she tried to reconcile the flirtatious comment with the impenetrable mask of her face.

  Rather than even try to engage in the repartee, she quickly changed the subject. "Is this your first year on the team?"

  Jordan gave her a quick glance as she tried to determine if Jamie was kidding. "Uh…no. I’m a senior," she revealed. "This is my fourth year on the team."

  "I didn’t mean to imply that you looked immature or anything, Jordan," she said with a smile.

  Jordan’s features softened, and she laughed a little at the comment. "No offense taken, Jamie. I’m used to most of the new people knowing who I am. I thought that Ryan might have mentioned me."

  "No," she had to admit. "I don’t think Ryan knows a lot about volleyball, to tell you the truth. She’s more into soccer."

  Jordan slowed down, staring at Jamie with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean, she doesn’t know much about volleyball? I heard she kicked butt in her tryout—and I know one of the girls she beat out from a camp I went to earlier this year. She can play!"

  "I didn’t say that Ryan couldn’t play," she said with an impish grin. "I meant that she has been away from the sport for quite a few years."

  Jordan’s face resumed its tranquil, unreadable expression. She ran in silence for a few minutes, obviously trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. "Is she from California?"

  "Yes."

  "Where from?"

  "San Francisco," she supplied, adding, "She went to high school at Sacred Heart Academy."

  Jordan shook her head. "Never heard of it. You say she’s been away from the sport—where’s she been?"

  "Long story," Jamie huffed, having a devil of a time speaking while she ran. "She played for one year at USF. I think that was her freshman year—she’s a senior now."

  "That’s it!" Jordan proclaimed, her face breaking into a sunny grin that almost seemed incongruous. "I knew I’d seen her before. We played USF when I was a freshman. We got our butts kicked, as a matter of fact. I think Ryan was responsible for the major part of that butt kicking, too." She grew quiet, running along for several minutes. Finally, she turned and said, "I need to pick up the pace a bit, Jamie. Nice talking to you." Before Jamie could open her mouth, the lanky woman kicked her body into a gear that Jamie did not possess and took off effortlessly, gliding along past her fellow teammates.

  Jamie gave a little wave to her back as she settled down to a more comfortable pace. She was tiring, but all in all she felt pretty good about her performance so far. She was much more comfortable than she had been on the few runs she had taken with Jack, and she assumed that the long hours on her bike had paid off in both leg strength and cardiovascular fitness.

  After about three miles Ryan appeared in the distance. She was chatting with one of the other women, and it was clear that she was running much slower than was typical for her. Jamie put on as big a burst of speed as she had in her and caught up with them. "Hey, Speedy," Ryan smiled.

  "I'm dying," she gasped.

  "Do you want to walk for a while?"

  "No, I'm going to tough it out. But you don't have to go as slow as I do. I know you must be itching."

  Ryan laughed and shook her head. "I'm fine, Jamie. I'm going to do a big workout at the gym today, so I don't need to leave all of my energy out here."

  "That reminds me, I've got to get my butt back into the gym. I'm going to lose all of my hard-won muscle."

  "You've got a ways to go before that happens," Ryan said with an admiring glance. "We do need to tailor your program to focus on your golf game, though. Why don’t you skip playing today and come with me?"

  Jamie knew that the request was as much for her benefit as Ryan’s, and she appreciated that her partner was trying to look out for her. "Okay, but will I get in the way?"

  "Of course not. My twelve o’clock is a really nice woman. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if I worked you both out at the same time. We can go a little early and I’ll show you the exercises I want you to do, then I can just keep an eye on you."

  "I’d like that, Ryan," she admitted. "I’m feeling a little shaky today."

  "I am too, Babe," Ryan agreed. "I think you might feel a little less shaky if you got some more sleep. Why don’t we go home and take a long nap?"

  She looked up at Ryan with a shy smile. "Would you do that for me?" She knew that as a general rule, Ryan hated to sleep in, and going back to bed at seven o’clock was even more out of character.

  "Without question." Her expression was soft and gentle, the look in her eyes one of utter devotion.

  Jamie nodded her acquiescence. "I appreciate that, Ryan."

  "It’s gonna take a few days before we get over this, Jamie." She cast a long look at her partner and assured her in a voice filled with confidence, "But we will get over this."

  By one o’clock Jamie was toast, but she found that she still had a need to stay close to her partner. Ryan did her best to devote as much attention to her as possible, and she decided to dedicate some time to getting in a good, long stretch to keep her muscles loose. Every few minutes Ryan would appear and help her get into a certain position, or gently move her body a few degrees in one direction or another, and Jamie spent a minute thinking about how odd it felt to experience those familiar hands touching her in such a public setting.

  She recalled the first time
she had worked out under Ryan’s tutelage, and how delicious it felt to have the cool, sure hands move her body like a poseable doll. She watched her lover move her client around the gym, observing the slight reserve that masked the open attitude she revealed at home. Considering the image she presented to the public, Jamie acknowledged that there was an inner fire mixed with a startling vulnerability that Ryan kept very well hidden from almost everyone. She was absolutely certain that none of Ryan’s clients, few of her friends, and even fewer of her lovers had ever seen the inner Ryan, no matter how much of her body they might have been exposed to.

  Lost in these thoughts, she realized with startling clarity why she felt threatened by Sara. It wasn’t just that Ryan had allowed herself to be kissed. Jamie really did understand how that had happened, and she had to agree that it was sometimes surprisingly easy for your emotions to carry your body away. No, the kiss was not the issue. She knew that one kiss would never have a serious, lasting, negative impact on what she and Ryan had built together.

  It was not the physical intimacy that Ryan had shared. Rather, it was the emotional intimacy that these women had experienced—an intimacy that, in some ways, she and Ryan would never share. The Ryan she knew would always have a hard, protective shell over some part of her soul. Jamie was actually glad that she had it because it served to protect her fragile psyche. But Sara knew Ryan before that shell had been so carefully erected. She knew the young Ryan who was just coming to grips with the recent death of her mother; she shared the experience of Michael’s illness and death. She had, in essence, been a member of Ryan’s family during those tumultuous years, and Jamie recognized that there were feelings shared between the two that she could never hope to understand or experience.

  This, to her, was the threat. This woman, who was such an important part of Ryan’s life, had, in essence, risen from the dead. Ryan had resigned herself to the fact that Sara was lost to her, but here she was, seemingly being forgiven for her betrayal. Jamie’s mind reeled at the thought that Ryan would want to welcome her back into her life. She had no idea what such a development would portend, but she did not feel able to prevent Ryan from pursuing it. She knew her partner had a very difficult time when she felt she was being dictated to, and Jamie had early on resolved never to do so. Her mind scrambled around the issue—trying to come up with a way to allow Ryan her autonomy, while preventing Sara from invading their nascent relationship.