Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  There was no pretending with her. I'd told her what happened with Sin and me. She'd been sympathetic and supportive. I was glad she hadn't told me 'I told you so.' Let's face it, everything that had happened with him she'd warned me about and I hadn't listened. But as crappy as I felt emotionally, I still couldn't bring myself to wish I'd ever met him or experienced the few moments he'd given me.

  It was early evening and tomorrow would be my first day back at school since the attack. I was nervous, but having Matthew around would make me feel safer. It had taken my brother two days to get the best bodyguard who was young enough to pass for a college student. My brother had insisted that the bodyguard blend in with students so it wasn't too obvious who he was. He thought it would help the bodyguard protect me better if he was in all the same classes as me, which made sense. Connor had organized it with the college. The police had no leads on who my attacker was. The college had tightened up security and everyone—especially the girls—was told to be careful.

  The fact that the bodyguard was going to be around me so much, my brother said it would be easier to tell people he was a friend of the family's then to try to explain who he really was. Jordan had also agreed not to reveal who Matthew really was. I'd agreed to it. I wasn't going to fight my brother on any of it. After our initial heated argument, he'd agreed to stop fighting with me about staying as long as I agreed to the measures he put into place to keep me safe. One was the new flat, two was the bodyguard and three was the daily phone calls that he would be making to make sure I was okay.

  I went into my room. I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Sin's face the last time I saw him. He'd been so indifferent that it had hurt. It was like the connection we'd made by being physically closer was gone. I didn't feel anger toward him. He'd been clear when we'd started the arrangement that when we were finished we walked away without any feelings and carried on.

  The problem was I'd developed feelings. I still felt badly that he'd opened up to me and I hadn't been able to do the same. Even now, given a second chance, I still wouldn't tell him anything.

  My headache got worse so I got up and went looking for headache tablets in the kitchen. The aroma that hit me when I stepped out of my room made my stomach grumble. I hadn't been eating much, but at that moment I was ravenous.

  Jordan was talking to Matthew while he cooked.

  "Was that part of the requirement?" I asked as I joined them. Matthew turned to flash that deadly smile at me as he switched off the stove.

  "No, it's a perk," he quipped then he turned to place the steaks on three plates.

  "Good, because the two of us are pretty useless in the kitchen," Jordan said as she began to dish up a salad onto the plates.

  "Then I'll be the one cooking," he stated. Some people would say it was relaxing and that they enjoyed it, but I hated it so it wasn't surprising I couldn't cook much.

  "It smells good," I said as I reached in the cupboard for the headache tablets.

  "I promise it will taste better," he assured me.

  I'd had my reservations about the bodyguard staying in the apartment with us, but Matthew seemed to fit in well.

  The next morning my mouth dropped open when I bumped into Matthew in the kitchen. Gone was the formal suit and in its place were faded jeans and some heavy metal band brand on a black shirt. The transformation in Matthew was astounding. He looked like a laid-back surfer guy and all that was missing was the surfboard. His long hair and deep tan added to the look.

  "So what do you think?" he asked with a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

  "You undercover?" I asked as a grin spread across my face. He was just so easy to be around and most of the time he was funny. He was so different from Sin.

  Sin. I still felt that pain in my chest and got short of breath when I thought of him. It felt like someone had sucker-punched me and I hated the physical effect he had on me. It had been four days since the last time I'd seen him.

  "Yes," he replied indignantly. "So, do you think I'll blend in?"

  "Yes," I said, still smiling.

  "Good," he said. "The last thing I want to do is stand out."

  He would still stick out because he was going to turn heads wherever he went. I was going to have to put up with a lot of jealous looks.

  "Come on, surfer dude," I told him as I picked up my bag and walked to the front door.

  I'd always imagined that having a bodyguard entailed a bulky guy who looked something like the secret service following closely behind me. I'd never imagined a hot, laid-back guy who looked like he couldn't tackle a tree. I was apprehensive by the time we made it to college. It had been just a ten-minute walk from the flat. Connor had made sure the apartment was close to college.

  I was feeling fearful and apprehensive at the same time. My eyes scanned the features of every male student who walked past me. I couldn't help studying them briefly, trying to figure out if I recognized anything.

  A hand briefly touched my lower back.

  "I won't let anything happen to you," Matthew whispered to me. I glanced at him and he gave me a reassuring smile. There was no hiding the fear that I felt and he'd seen it.

  "Thanks," I whispered as I tried to calm myself down. I'd fought so hard against a bodyguard, but in that moment I was so thankful that I had Matthew walking beside me. I took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other with a determination not to allow the attack to scare me from doing what I wanted.

  Matthew stuck to me like glue. Wherever I went, he went. He intrigued Caleb when I introduced them after class. Caleb seemed to buy the story that Matthew was a friend of the family.

  "You still hanging out with Sin?" Caleb asked me out of the blue. I stopped and turned to him as I felt Matthew’s gaze on me. I was annoyed that he thought that Sin wasn't someone I should be hanging out with.

  "You are my friend, but it's none of your business," I informed him firmly. It might have sounded a bit harsh, but I was tired of everyone giving their opinion on Sin whether I wanted it or not. It wasn't like everyone I knew got to vote on whether I got to hang out with him or not. It was only my vote that counted.

  "Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," Caleb apologized as he reached out and touched my arm. I felt Matthew tense slightly beside me. It was like he was ready to pounce if needed.

  "It's fine," I said, brushing it off.

  "I’d better go, otherwise I'm going to be late for my next class. I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he turned and walked down the opposite side of the hallway.

  "You know, he is right," said Matthew as he watched the retreating figure of Caleb. Why did everyone think they could tell me what to do? I bit my tongue when I turned to face the next jury member.

  "Look, I've read the file on Sin and let's put it this way, on paper, he isn't someone you want to get involved with," he told me.

  He was right, I'd never read all the stuff that my brother had managed to collect on Sin, but I'd seen a side to him that had convinced me that there was more to him than some bad stuff he might have done. The brown folder had been moved to the apartment with the rest of my things. I still hadn't opened it. I'd stuffed it into the table beside my bed. It hadn't even crossed my mind to open the folder.

  "It isn't any of your business, either," I stated to him as firmly as I had with Caleb. He crossed his arms over his chest and studied me for a moment.

  "Unfortunately, who you hang out with is my business. Remember, I'm here to protect you," he explained. It made sense even though I didn't like it. I bit my lip to stop myself from snapping back at him. There was no point in trying to fight it.

  "Fine," I relented. "Let's go."

  I turned and began to walk down the hallway. My classes were finished for the day so we were going back to the flat.

  "Speak of the devil," I heard Matthew whisper behind me.

  The moment my eyes landed on him, I felt a flutter of awareness inside of me. Sin was
standing on the other side of the hall. I felt relieved that he didn't have his tongue shoved down some girl's throat.

  Our eyes met and I felt an awareness run through me. I was feeling so many things at the same time. I felt nervous, scared, hurt and plenty more. It was hard to pretend I was fine on the outside when I wasn't on the inside. I stopped walking as I watched Sin walk determinedly to me. The nervous knot that had started in my stomach grew. His eyes looked past me to Matthew and his step faltered slightly.

  His lips pressed into a line and he closed the distance between us quickly. Matthew stood beside me and I really wished at that moment that he wasn't there. I wanted to be alone with Sin. Sin shot one more intense look at Matthew before he shifted his gaze onto me.

  "Who is he?" he asked directly. I couldn't help hoping that he was a little jealous.

  "Matthew, Sin, Sin, Matthew," I introduced even though Matthew was well aware of who Sin was. I could have told him that Matthew was my bodyguard, but for that little hope that he might be jealous I left that detail out.

  They didn't shake hands; instead, they seemed to size each other up for a moment. Guys were so weird.

  "I want to talk to you," said Sin when he pulled his gaze from Matthew.

  It was good to see him, but seeing him had made the feeling of hurt more intense. I'd been waiting four days for him to talk to me and he hadn't bothered to contact me. I remembered the hurt I'd felt at his indifferent brush-off four days earlier and decided not to make it easy for him.

  "I'm not sure I want to talk to you," I told him. His eyes searched mine and he reached to take my hand in his. Matthew watched the interaction carefully.

  "Please." He undid me with that one word.

  "Fine," I replied, looking at him expectantly.

  "Where are you staying?" he asked as he flickered a glance in Matthew's direction.

  "In an apartment nearby," I answered, wondering why he was asking.

  "Could I come by tonight to talk?" he asked.

  For a few moments I mulled over his request. There was no way I was going to say no, but I thought I'd let him sweat it out a little. His eyes held mine. He looked a little nervous as he waited for me to answer him. Confident and arrogant, Sin was hot, but there was something about the vulnerable side to him that pulled at my heartstrings.

  "Fine," I answered and he gave a slight nod as he shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

  I gave him the address.

  "I'll be there at seven," he told me. I gave him a nod and watched as he shot Matthew a glare before he walked off.

  "That one is trouble," said Matthew.

  He was right, but I didn't care.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Taylor

  At seven o’clock sharp there was a knock on the door. I was a bundle of nerves as I opened it.

  "Hey," Sin greeted with a tentative smile when I stepped back and allowed him into the flat.

  "Hi," I greeted, feeling the flutter inside my stomach at the sight of him. Those damn butterflies.

  He followed me into the apartment and turned to see his reaction when he saw Matthew sitting on the sofa watching TV.

  "He’s living with you?" he asked in disbelief as he turned to me. He looked angry and shocked.

  "Yes," I answered calmly, although I felt nervous on the inside. I could have offered him more information than that. I could have told him that he was my bodyguard and that was the reason he was living with me, but I didn't. Some part of me wanted to hurt Sin like he'd hurt me.

  "Who is he?" he asked fiercely. I took a deep breath as Matthew turned around to look at us.

  "No need to talk like I'm not here," he said sarcastically. He held Sin's glare.

  "You came here to talk...so talk," I instructed firmly as I crossed my arms over my chest.

  I felt so much for this tattooed guy in front of me, but I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me like a doormat. He'd hurt me and he needed to work hard to soothe over those hurt feelings. It hadn't been totally his fault. I'd refused to open up when he had bared his soul, but there had been no need to shut me out like he had. He pressed his lips together for a moment and threw a deadly side-glance at Matthew who was still watching us intently.

  "I want to talk to you alone," he insisted as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, ignoring the heat of Matt's gaze on him. It was a fair request.

  "Fine," I said in a clipped tone and walked into my bedroom. Sin followed quietly behind me and once inside my room he turned to close the door. For a few moments his eyes held mine as I stood with my arms crossed, waiting for him to say what he needed to.

  "Your brother came to see me," he revealed to me.

  I hadn't expected that. My brother meddled in my life all the time, but he'd never gone that far. Anger flared up inside of me at the thought that my brother had gone behind my back despite the fact that I'd told him I was old enough to make my own decisions.

  "What did he say?" I asked, still reeling from his revelation. This wasn't going to be good, I could just tell.

  "He told me to stay away from you," he stated as he took a step closer, but I took a step back, keeping my distance from him. To keep a clear mind, I couldn't be too close to him.

  "He told me you'd been through enough," he explained as his eyes held mine. It was like he was trying to see deep into my soul. "He said that I'd just end up hurting you and you wouldn't be able to deal with that."

  I wanted to hide I felt so mortified that my brother had gone to talk to Sin behind my back and had told him that. He'd no right to do that. I was going to kill him.

  "He wouldn't tell me anything about your past," he added like it was some sort of consolation, but it wasn't.

  I closed my eyes and pressed my hand to my forehead as I tried to comprehend the lengths that my brother had gone to. I was so angry that he'd done this to me. Betrayal mixed in with my anger. When I opened my eyes, Sin was standing just a foot away from me. I lifted my eyes to his. I recognized that look.

  Oh. My. God.

  The air locked in my lungs. His eyes looked at me with the sympathy that had followed me for most of my life from the time my parents had died. It was that same look I'd been running from and I'd fought so hard to get away from.

  It wasn't possible.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered softly as he tried to reach for me. I wrenched away from him as the first sob tore from my chest.

  "Don't touch me," I spat at him as I put out a hand to keep him from me.

  He knew. Somehow he knew.

  "How much do you know?" I whispered as I felt the emotion welling up inside of me.

  "Everything."

  I swore I felt my heart crack. I could feel myself being crushed by the pressure of the realization that he knew everything that I'd been trying so hard to hide. I pressed my hands to my mouth to suppress my horror. He ran a hand through his hair. How had he found out? He'd said Connor hadn't told him.

  "I'm sorry," he repeated as he tried to take a step closer, but I maneuvered out of his reach.

  "Stay away from me," I instructed as I tried to hold myself together. The new life I'd been trying to build was slipping from my grasp. Sorry wasn't good enough. It didn't erase the information from his mind and take us back to the place where he didn't know about the horrors of my past. There was no going back.

  "Get out," I said firmly, my voice thick with the emotion of my hurt that he'd gone behind my back to find out about my past even though I'd made it clear it I didn't want him to know about it.

  "Don't do this, Tay," he said, reaching for me.

  "I didn't want you to know," I said, my voice beginning to rise in anger that he'd ruined everything. "But that didn't stop you."

  I closed my eyes for a moment to ride the wave of betrayal that hit me.

  "I'm sorry," he repeated. It was a word that meant nothing to me.

  "Get out!" I shouted at him. My eyes holding his started to blur as the tears began to stream down my
cheeks. A gut-wrenching heartache ripped through me at the realization that whatever we had, even if it had meant more to me than him, was damaged. Possibly beyond repair.

  The door to my bedroom crashed open as Matthew filled the doorway. It took him only seconds to take in the emotion on my face and the tears.

  "What happened?" Matthew asked me as he stepped into the room and between us, like he was protecting me.

  "This has nothing to do with you," Sin said in a determined voice as he took a menacing step toward Matthew, but Matthew didn't look intimidated and held his ground.

  "If it has anything to do with Taylor, then it has something to do with me," he stated firmly as he crossed his arms.

  "Just go," I said to Sin with my gaze fixed on the floor. I couldn't look at him in case seeing him made me waver. He'd done something I wasn't sure I would ever be able to forgive him for.

  "Tay, just let me explain," he pleaded as he tried to step forward and Matthew blocked his advance.

  "There is nothing you can say," I said, shaking my head. Matthew turned to face Sin with a hand to his chest.

  "You need to leave," he instructed fiercely.

  Sin glared at him for a moment before his eyes moved to mine. His eyes softened for a moment.

  "I don't want to upset you more, so I'll leave," he told me.

  I clasped my trembling hands together as I felt a pain in my chest where I was pretty sure my heart was breaking.

  "But this isn't over," he promised me softly.

  With one last glare at Matthew, he left the room. A few moments later I heard the front door slam closed.

  "What happened?" Matthew asked as he stood in front of me, scanning my features. I brushed the tears from my face as I tried to pull myself together.

  "I don't want to talk about it," I said as I tried to push down the emotions overwhelming me from the inside. He studied me for a moment with concern and then he released my arms.

  "He will be back," he told me in a serious tone.