Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  Sin

  Initially I'd been angry and disappointed when I'd shared snippets of my past with her and she hadn't trusted me enough to share any of hers with me. I don't even know why I'd opened up to her. Maybe it was because I rarely felt calm, but I did when I was with her.

  My life had always been a rush of activity and noise. Maybe it was because in those moments of quiet I had time to think of all the things I'd done wrong in my life and, trust me, I could spend a lot of time on that.

  Taylor.

  When I thought back to the first time I'd met her, I couldn't help the affectionate smile that tugged at my lips. She'd been a breath of fresh air the moment I'd laid my eyes on her. She was beautiful—there was no denying that. But a lot of girls were beautiful. Taylor’s beauty went deeper than just the surface of her skin. She was like an enigma that I couldn't figure out. It was obvious from the start that she wasn't like other girls her age. There was an innocence about her that had nothing to do with the fact that she'd been a virgin. It was more than that.

  Her brother seemed to be the overprotective type, but why was he that way? Had it been the result of her parents' car accident that her brother had become overprotective over her? Plenty of people lost their parents, so it didn't explain the extreme naivety in Taylor. It was like I was sitting with more questions than answers.

  "Sin!" I heard Slater call from downstairs. If my bedroom door hadn't been open then, I probably wouldn't have heard him.

  I stood up and rubbed my hands over my face. I was tired. Since I'd told Taylor 'I'd see her around' I'd been agitated and nervous. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I made my way down the hall and then down the stairs. I hesitated for a split second when I saw the person standing beside Slater waiting for me. For a moment I'd hoped it might be Taylor, but it was her brother studying me with a reserved expression.

  I knew how this talk was going to go before we even got started. He was going to tell me to stay away from his sister. When he'd come to collect his sister the day before, I hadn't missed the looks. He didn't think I was good enough for her and he was probably right. I'd spent my life not being good enough. For my sperm donor, I hadn't been good enough to be a son he could love, and even my own mother struggled to love the reminder of her bad judgment. It didn't matter what I did now or what I had, nothing would change that.

  The only person I was good enough for was Slater. I was good enough to be his friend. Maybe it was because he'd grown up in a similar situation to me that had bonded us in friendship and had pulled us through a lot of dark times.

  As I reached the bottom step, Slater gave me a questioning look that Connor didn't see because his eyes were fixed on me. I shook my head at him and he reluctantly left us alone.

  "What do you want?" I asked him in a clipped tone as I held his gaze. It didn't matter that I already knew the answer. We stared at each other, neither of us wanting to look away first.

  "I wanted to talk to you about Taylor, my sister," he began. And there it was. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him.

  "Whatever is going on between the two of you needs to end," he stated firmly and I laughed in his face. He looked a little taken aback. He hadn't expected my reaction.

  "And why would I listen to you?" I scoffed. I hated being told what to do by people I knew so I didn't take it very well from someone I was meeting for the second time. It didn't matter that I'd pretty much ended things with her a couple of days before. I'd meant it when I'd told her 'I'd see her around'.

  With that one sentence, I'd closed the door on our arrangement and made it clear from then on I would only consider her an acquaintance that I would see when we passed in the hallways.

  He studied me for a moment.

  "I know what type of guy you are," he said. "You'll have your fun and then at some point you’ll get bored and then you’ll walk away."

  I remained silent. He pretty much summed me up. The only difference was that, with Taylor, it had been more than one night and I'd formed a connection with her. I didn't want to admit it, but when she'd been attacked in the stairwell, it had scared me. It was then that I'd realized then that I cared about her. It wasn't like I wanted to date her or anything like that. I just didn't want anything bad to happen to her—it was hard to explain.

  "Look, man, I don't know how any of this is any of your business," I retorted, feeling my anger at his outright meddling in his sister's life. She was an adult and she could make her own decisions about her life. There was no need to be difficult, but I couldn't help myself. I wasn't going to let him think that he could control me.

  "She isn't like other girls," he tried to explain. I knew that already, but the way he said it piqued my curiosity. There was a somber sadness in his voice that was matched in his eyes.

  She'd been so adamant that she didn't want to share her past with me, but I knew that the knowledge of what happened to her would help me understand her better. I didn't know what made me want to understand her. I'd never wanted to know anything about the girls I fucked. There were a few times I wondered whether the fact I'd been her first had made me feel more protective over her.

  The fact that she was so naive worried me. It left her more susceptible to something bad happening to her. It shouldn't be my problem, but somehow it was.

  "Why isn't she like other girls?" I asked, hoping that he would tell me what I wanted to know.

  "Something really bad happened to her...I don't want to go into details, but she had a very protected childhood."

  That was all he revealed. I could tell he wasn't going to tell me any more.

  "You are going to hurt her and she might not be able to recover from it," he added. That was really weird to say. Girls had their hearts broken all the time and they got over it, though some took longer than others.

  I held his gaze for several moments.

  "What happens between your sister and me is our business. Stay out of it," I warned. I could be intimidating when I wanted to be, but I didn't feel the need to be. He gave me one last look before he turned and left, slamming the door behind him.

  "You okay?" I heard Slater ask as I turned to walk up the stairs.

  "Yeah."

  My curiosity got the better of me in that moment and I climbed the stairs on a mission to uncover what Taylor was hiding. I wasn't trying to go against her wishes, but I felt that knowing everything would help me understand her and help keep her safe. She'd been drugged and if it hadn't been for me, God knows what would have happened. As soon as I got to my laptop, I started searching the web. I searched her name and it didn't take me long to find the news articles.

  My blood ran cold and I felt the horror come alive inside of me as I read the details of her parents’ death. After nearly half an hour, I knew enough and closed my laptop. She'd lied about her parents dying in a car accident. It also explained why the cop had recognized her name. I rubbed my hands over my face as I contemplated what to do next. There was a pain in my chest at the thought of what she'd been through and I knew I had to see her.

  She'd probably be mad when I told her what I knew, but there was no way I would be able to look at her without thinking about it. It would come out eventually.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Taylor

  I moped around the apartment for the rest of the evening. Matthew gave me a couple of concerned looks, but he didn't ask any questions. Maybe it was because he knew I wasn't going to tell him anything.

  Later, when Jordan got back, it was clear that I wasn't myself. She asked what was wrong.

  "Sin came over to talk and it didn't go well," I'd summarized for her. She didn't need to know the details and I didn't want to talk about how it.

  "If you need someone to talk to, you know where I am," she'd offered.

  Just after eating I'd gone to my room and closed my door. The emptiness inside of me was hard to deal with. I was sitting on my bed with my head resting in my knees. The whole scene with Sin replayed in my mind. I still
couldn't believe my brother had gone to talk to him behind my back. If he hadn't gone to meddle in my personal life, Sin wouldn't have been pushed to search about my past.

  It wasn't completely Connor's fault. Sin could have respected my privacy. How we got to this point didn't really matter, what mattered was how I was going to handle it. There was no rewind button. I let out a sigh as I looked up and stared unseeing at the white wall in front of me. It was hard to think about what happened without seeing the blood and the bodies of my parents. I could still remember the smell of death. I closed my eyes for a moment to try and push the horrific images from my mind.

  Bringing up the past only dragged me down into an abyss of nothingness that was nearly impossible to escape. The fear that I'd felt that night returned and I began to shake. Most people had fears. Some had fears worse than others. What happened that night had been so much worse than my worst fear.

  There was a knock on my door and I got up to open it.

  "Your brother wants to talk to you," Matthew said, offering me the phone. After my heated discussion with Sin, I'd turned off my phone because I didn't want to talk to my brother. I was still so angry at him.

  I refused to take the phone.

  "Tell him I don't want to speak to him," I said with determination as I closed my bedroom door. Matthew had probably told him that Sin had come by and he would know why I was angry with him.

  I'd told him countless times that I could make my own decisions. The fact was that he kept trying to undermine the little independence I'd been able to build and I wasn't going to allow it. He'd forced my hand. Shutting him out was going to hurt him, but he'd left me no choice.

  That night I woke up screaming, with Matthew trying to calm me down. I'd relived the memory of my parents' death in my dreams. I was shaking, and breathing erratically.

  "It's okay," Matthew soothed as he hugged my trembling form.

  I leaned against him as I tried to sort through what had been real and what had been a dream. After a few minutes, I calmed down and I pulled away from him.

  "I'm sorry," I mumbled as I brushed the remains of my tears from my face. "I bet your job description didn't include this."

  He brushed a stray piece of hair out of my face.

  "Does this happen often?" he asked as his eyes softened.

  "No, not really. It was just a very emotional day," I answered with a shrug. I didn't like the fact that Matthew was seeing me like this. He studied me for a few moments.

  "Are you going to be able to sleep?" he asked with concern.

  "Yes," I lied as I nodded my head.

  "Are you sure? I can make a bed on the floor if it will help," he offered.

  "Thanks, but I'll be okay," I assured him.

  "Look, I'd feel better if I stayed in your room. I'll just sit here until you go back to sleep," he insisted.

  It touched me that he cared and I felt myself nod. He got up and switched off the light as I lay down in my bed and pulled my covers up to my chin. Even though Matthew stayed with me for the rest of the evening, I didn't sleep—although I kept my eyes closed, wishing for it. I heard Matthew leave my room early in the morning. I was exhausted when it was time to get up for classes.

  "You look tired," Matthew remarked when I entered the kitchen still dressed in my pajamas. I gave him a slight shrug as I poured some coffee into my cup.

  "Your brother phoned this morning to check up on you," he revealed to me. I ignored him. I'd made it clear the night before that I wasn't talking to my brother. The fact that my phone was still off should have given my brother the clear message that I still didn't want to talk to him.

  "I still don't want to talk to him," I reminded him even though I knew at some point I would have to switch on my phone and go through all the messages from Connor. I felt an ache in my chest when I wondered if Sin had tried to call me. I tried to push the thought from my mind.

  "Morning," Jordan muttered as she entered the small kitchen was well.

  "You guys are like little dwarves this morning," Matthew said as he leaned against the kitchen counter and took a sip of his coffee.

  Jordan and I shared a questioning look before looking expectantly at him.

  "You know, the seven dwarves," he added.

  "You're Grumpy," he said while looking at Jordan and then his eyes shifted to me. "And you're definitely Sleepy."

  Our only responses were to glare at him and he quickly moved out of the kitchen to the living room a safe distance away from us.

  "He is far too chirpy in the morning," mumbled Jordan as she got a cup and poured coffee.

  "He is a morning person," was all I said.

  "So are you going to sort things out with Sin?" she asked, watching me for my reaction. She didn't know the whole story. She'd probably assumed it was just a disagreement that could be easily fixed, but it wasn't that simple.

  "I don't think it can be sorted."

  I was tired and feeling a little raw. I really hoped I wasn't going to bump into him at college today.

  "I know that I warned you off him," she started. "And trust me, I never in a million years thought I'd be saying this, but he is different with you."

  I dropped my gaze to the floor, unable to look her in the eye.

  "Don't sweat the small things."

  I looked up at her. She had no idea last night hadn't been about something small—well, at least it wasn't small for me. Normally I kept most things to myself, but I had a need to share some of the weight on my shoulders and she might not be as sympathetic to Sin when she found out what he'd done.

  "He told me a little bit about his past and he wanted to know about my past," I began to explain, "but I didn't want to tell him."

  I let out a sigh. She knew how I was about my past.

  "He pretty much told me that we were done when I wouldn't open up to him."

  "That's a bit harsh," she said, frowning.

  "Then my brother went to go and see him," I revealed and she looked a little shocked.

  "What did your brother say to him?" she asked.

  "He told Sin to stay away from me," I revealed with a shrug.

  "That's out of line," she said frowning.

  "You're right, it was out of line. My brother's little visit made Sin look into my past and he found out...everything," I said with a little emotional hoarseness in my voice.

  A few moments of silence turned into a minute.

  "I'm not one to defend Sin, but maybe he did it because he cares about you."

  I bit my lip, contemplating what she said.

  "When someone cares about you they want to know things about you. And if you're dealing with stuff, they want to share in the burden of it."

  There was more to her words than what was going on with Sin and me.

  "Is there something up with you and Slater?" I asked.

  "There is no Slater and me," she revealed. "He said he wasn't interested in dating."

  Her lip trembled as a tear slid down her face and I put my coffee down. I hugged her as more tears ran down her cheeks.

  "It will be okay," I soothed as I held her. Matthew appeared in the doorway and gave me a questioning look.

  "Guys suck," I told him.

  I promised myself I wouldn't look for him, but my eyes swept across the sea of students looking for him anyway. The need to catch a glimpse of him was stronger than my anger.

  After I'd switched my phone back on, I had countless voicemails from my brother, but I was still too angry to even consider talking to him. He needed to realize that he couldn't control my life anymore and I felt if I gave in too easily he wouldn't learn. He'd called every couple of hours and got updates from Matthew.

  I hadn't received any voicemails or messages from Sin and despite how angry I was I felt disappointed that he hadn't tried to contact me. Jordan's words kept echoing in my mind. Maybe he did it because he cares about you.

  I'd been so angry when I'd discovered he'd found out my past. I'd been so confused with betraya
l that I hadn't even considered that maybe he'd done it because he cared. I considered the thought. But if he cared so much, why hadn't he tried to contact me?

  "You're thinking too hard," Matthew said, pulling me out of my deep thoughts. I glanced at him and he arched an eyebrow at me.

  "I can smell roasted peanuts," he added with a teasing smile and I couldn't help but smile back.

  "Really funny," I threw back at him as I shook my head.

  Matthew had a way of easing stressful situations with his jokes and easy-going attitude. I really liked having him around.

  He'd even promised Jordan he'd get us ice cream so we could eat ourselves into a sugar frenzy to forget about our heartache. I still didn't see how sugar was going to help, but I was going to try anyway.

  It scared me that I'd gotten so attached to Sin in such a short space of time. He was such an intense person and the feelings I had for him matched that intensity. When I thought about him not being around, I felt short of breath like my lungs didn't have enough air to breathe.

  I never caught a glimpse of Sin for the entire day and by the time Matthew and I were walking back to the apartment, I was feeling deflated. On the way home we stopped by the shop and Matthew bought two tubs of ice cream. Apparently the one was for me and the other was for Jordan.

  "That is way too much ice cream," I told him as we left the shop.

  "I've seen heartbroken girls eat way more ice cream than this," he informed me with a teasing smile. I still wasn't convinced that ice cream was going to ease the hole that had settled in my chest.

  A little later that evening, Jordan and I were sitting side by side on the couch covered in blankets each with a tub of ice cream and a spoon. Somehow the sugar was making me feel a little better. Jordan seemed as heartbroken as I was, and she was staring unseeing at the TV like her mind was somewhere else. I set the ice cream down on the table, unable to eat any more.

  "You feeling better?" Matthew asked from the single chair to the side of us.

  "A little," I replied. He was like a big brother doing his best to try and mend our broken hearts.