Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  Loving someone was so exciting, and the feeling that person created inside you every time you were with that person was addictive, like a drug. It was thrilling, but with the good comes the bad. To love a person left you vulnerable to them and the pain that they could cause was like crashing into a dark pit of despair.

  Matthew continued to hold me as my tears finally dried up and I took a deep breath. He pulled away from me slightly to scan my features. He pulled me into one more hug before he led me into the living room and sat me down. I brushed my tears from my face as I took another shaky breath.

  "I'll make you some tea," Matthew offered as he disappeared into the kitchen.

  I nodded absentmindedly, feeling numb. It was like the heartbreak was too much to bear so my body shut out the pain and in its place was a nothing. A few minutes later, Matthew walked back into the living room with a steaming cup of tea and he set it down in front of me.

  "Tell me what happened," he said as he sat down on the sofa beside me.

  "He said it's over," I said and Matthew reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. I was looking straight in front of me, not seeing anything.

  "It can't be that bad," he tried to console me.

  I wanted to believe his words and I wanted to hope that he was right, but I knew that deep down inside, this might not be able to be sorted out. I rubbed my head as I tried to block out the thoughts that began to cycle through my mind. I wasn't ready to contemplate a life without Sin in it, I just couldn't. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to ease the pain building up inside of me.

  We hadn't known each other for long, but there was no denying that in that short time I had fallen in love with him. I could handle him not being able to love me back, I could even handle the weird togetherness we had where there had been no labels, but I couldn't handle the fact that he didn't want me anymore.

  Matthew tried his best to try and cheer me up, but even a tub of ice cream couldn't make me feel any better. I didn't sleep much that night, my mind too busy reliving my argument with Sin, trying to figure out how it had all gone wrong.

  A tear slid down my cheek when I remembered how he'd told me we were done. It had hurt then and it still hurt now. I just hoped that after giving him some space, he would come around.

  That night I tossed and turned. Finally, when I heard the birds chirping outside my window, I decided there was no point in trying to sleep anymore so I got up to make some coffee. I would need a lot of caffeine to keep myself awake.

  I rubbed my eyes as I wandered into the kitchen. Once I had a steaming cup of coffee in my hands, I sat down on the sofa. It was quiet and easy to get lost in my thoughts of Sin. It was strange that when a person was happy, everything seemed brighter, and now that my heart was broken, everything had lost that extra color. Everything seemed darker and sadder. In the back of my mind, I had the constant worry that I would slip back into my old habit of blocking everything out. I didn't want to go back to that dark place that my parents’ murder has sent me to.

  I took a sip of the coffee and savored the taste. It would be so easy to hold on to the hurt and let it control me, but I wasn't a nine-year-old girl anymore. I was older and I believed I was stronger. I was up for an hour before I heard someone's bedroom door open. Jordan was the first one up.

  "Good morning," she mumbled as she walked into the kitchen.

  "Hey," I replied, following her into the kitchen.

  She made herself some coffee and then turned to face me as she took a couple of tentative sips.

  "How are you feeling?" I asked, taking in her still slightly puffy eyes.

  "I'll be okay," she said as she gave me a weak smile. "I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing something."

  I knew the feeling. It meant that she didn't just care for Slater, there was a good chance that she'd fallen in love with him.

  "No more tears," she said with a determination I hadn't seen in her since Slater had broken her heart. "I'm done moping in heartbreak land."

  "Good," I said, nodding my head, hoping that the determination would be enough to pull her out of the heartbreak she'd been moping around in.

  "How are things going with you and Sin?" She asked like she genuinely wanted to know.

  I hesitated for a moment.

  "We’re over," I admitted, feeling my eyes sting with tears.

  "What exactly does that mean?" she asked, her forehead creasing with confusion.

  "When Connor first met Sin, he got a background check done on him," I began to tell her.

  "Really?" she gasped.

  "Yes," I answered. "You have met my overprotective brother."

  "Overprotective is one thing, but getting a background check on someone is something else," she said as she set her coffee down on the counter.

  I shrugged. I'd gotten so used to it and until Sin, I'd allowed my brother to be overprotective, but I put my foot down. I still hadn't spoken to him since my first fight with Sin. He'd kept phoning to talk to me, but I wasn't ready to forgive him; and now that his actions had caused another fight, it was even harder for me to want to forgive him. But it had been my own fault as well. I could have thrown the folder away, but I hadn't.

  "I kept the folder, but I never read it," I explained. "To me it didn't matter what he'd done in his past; what mattered to me was the person he was now."

  "What happened?" she asked.

  "He found the folder," I admitted as I tried to keep my emotions from bubbling over into the surface.

  "And he didn't take it well," she stated. It wasn't a question. "Sin and Slater grew up together and they are both very reluctant to talk about their pasts."

  "I know." I nodded.

  "Besides, you have to admit finding a background check on yourself isn't going to go down well for anyone."

  She was right. He had a right to be upset.

  "Give him a few days to deal with it and he will come around," she suggested.

  "You think so?" I asked, feeling hopeful that he just needed some time to work through his anger.

  "Yes, I do," she assured me. "I see the way he looks at you. He cares."

  Taking my friend's advice, I decided to leave Sin alone for the next few days. It still didn't stop me from checking my phone constantly, hoping that he would call or text me. Not surprisingly, I never heard from him or saw him at school. I wanted to give him the space he needed, but as each day passed without a word from him, it made me fear that he wasn't going to be able to forgive me. Jordan stopped moping around and got back to her usual self. Every now and then I would still see the sadness in her eyes, but most of the time she kept it well hidden.

  Finally, after nearly a week, I decided I'd waited long enough, so I tried to call him, but he never answered. Then I messaged him, but he never responded. I decided it was time to go around to his house to speak to him. My mind had gone crazy with reasons why he hadn't called or messaged me. The more time that passed without contact made me think that he may have already moved on with another girl and that was going to be hard to deal with.

  I was nervous as I stood outside his front door.

  Please don't let him be with another girl, I prayed silently before I stepped forward and rang the doorbell before I could decide I'd rather not know why he hadn't phoned. Slater answered the door.

  "Hi," he greeted with a friendly smile.

  "Hi," I greeted him back, trying to hide my nervousness.

  "He isn't here," he informed me and I felt my heart sink a little. I'd really hoped that by having the courage to see him in person, it would heal the rift between us.

  "Do you know when he will be back?" I asked, hoping that I would be able to come to talk to him.

  Slater studied me for a moment and then let out a heavy sigh.

  "I'm not sure," he informed me. "He packed a bag and left. He didn't say why he was leaving or when he would be back."

  He'd left. It felt like the earth had shifted under my feet.

  "Where did he g
o?" I asked hoarsely as my emotions began to react to the news that he'd actually left me.

  It hadn't been like we were dating, but it still felt like he'd left me. I didn't think it would feel worse than when he wouldn’t answer my calls or message me back but it was crushing.

  "Honestly, I'm not sure," he admitted. "I haven't heard from him, but I'm sure he will be in contact soon."

  "When did he leave?" I asked, not sure why I needed to know that.

  "A few days ago," he said.

  I'd been oblivious and still hoped that we would be able to sort things out, but I'd been so wrong. Feeling the sting of tears, I wanted to get out of there before I started bawling in front of Slater.

  "Thanks," I mumbled hoarsely as I turned to leave.

  "I'm sorry," Slater said, taking a step through the doorway and I turned to look at him. "I'm sorry he hurt you."

  I shrugged, not wanting him to know how badly I'd been hurt.

  "I'll be okay," I said, not believing one word I'd just said.

  I knew I was never going to be okay. I managed to leave before my tears broke free and tumbled down my face. Matthew got out of the car and hugged me as I cried.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Taylor

  One day passed slowly into another and time seemed to drag on. I tried to pick myself up and move on, but it was so hard when I couldn't stop thinking about him. I replayed our last fight over and over in my mind to figure out how I'd made him so angry that he'd packed his stuff and left.

  I'd hoped that just a few days of cooling off was all he'd needed, but apparently I'd been wrong. There would be no cooling off. He'd closed the door on what we'd had. He'd shut the door with a bang and left.

  There was a knock on my bedroom door.

  "Come on, you can't stay in there forever," Matthew said through the door.

  I begged to differ. I could stay in my room for as long as I wanted, or at least until the hole in my chest closed up, but I doubted it would ever heal completely. I lay on my bed looking up at my white ceiling, happy to be by myself. If I was around people, it was harder, since I had to put a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. It was exhausting.

  In my room, I didn't have to pretend. People say that you never forget your first love, but in my case I wasn't sure if I would ever stop loving him despite how quickly he'd cut ties. Each time I thought about him packing up his stuff and leaving me, the pain in my chest worsened. It felt like betrayal. The least he could have done was listen to what I had to say, but instead he'd disappeared the first chance he'd gotten.

  I hoped if I ignored Matthew, he would leave me in peace.

  "It's a Friday night. Why don't I take you to see a movie?" he suggested.

  I kept tightlipped, hoping that he would just leave me alone. He was trying to help and I understood that, but I just wanted time to deal with my heartbreak. I had to figure out a way to carry on.

  "Taylor, you have to come out," he instructed and then he let out a sigh.

  Silence ensued.

  "I'll stand here all day if I have to," he threatened. I pressed my lips together, feeling annoyed.

  He would stand there and keep talking until I came out. I let out a frustrated sigh and then got off my bed.

  "Fine," I relented when I opened the door and faced him. "But I'm choosing the movie."

  It would have to be a comedy or an action because there was no way I could make it through a romance movie.

  "You get to choose the movie," he agreed with an eye roll.

  "Is Jordan going to come with us?" I asked as I peered past him into the living room.

  "I don't think so. She’s getting all dressed up to go out," he informed me.

  I was happy that she seemed to be getting back to normal and going out on dates with guys. It wasn't a step I was ready to take yet. Jordan had nearly her entire wardrobe laid out on her bed when I entered her room.

  "I can't decide what to wear," she said as eyed out the different items of clothing.

  "I can see that," I commented as I stood beside her. "Where are you going?"

  "Steven asked me to out to dinner," she said with a smile and I mirrored it. She'd mentioned Steven was a cute guy in one of her classes.

  "That sounds great," I replied, trying to keep my voice cheerful and light.

  I wanted to know if she'd seen Slater, but he'd become that person whose name we never mentioned out loud in the flat. It had been another week and there was still no sign of Sin. I'd hoped he would have been back soon or at least have been in contact, but I'd received nothing from him. No messages or calls.

  There also hadn't been any more incidents with the stalker, either, which was a good thing. I still wasn't talking to my brother. He still phoned regularly and spoke to Matthew. I wouldn't stay angry with him forever; at some point I would forgive him. There had been a few times that I'd wanted to contact Sin, but I'd stopped myself. The fact that he wasn't responding to my messages or calls spoke volumes and I didn't want to be some desperate chick who couldn't let go.

  Jordan managed to find something to wear and she hurried out the door when Steven arrived for their date. He seemed like a nice guy and I told her to have fun.

  Matthew walked me down to the car and opened the passenger door for me and I got in. Maybe Matthew was right, maybe spending a little time outside the apartment would be good for me. At least it would take my mind off my heartbreak for a couple of hours.

  The street Matthew took to the theater was quiet and I stared out of the window as we drove in silence.

  Suddenly, I heard the slight scrape of metal against metal. The car swung and the force of the movement pressed me painfully against my seatbelt that dug across my chest and waist.

  "Fuck!" Matthew swore as he began to frantically fight with the direction of the car by pulling hard on the steering wheel in the opposite direction. I remember my brother telling me that advanced driving courses were a necessity for any bodyguard, but when I looked and saw the panic in Matthew's face and I knew we were in trouble.

  I held on to the seatbelt as the force swung us across the road. The road had been quiet; otherwise, we would have hit another car. Everything seemed to slow down as I watched helplessly while the car lost control. Matthew's eyes met mine as he reached out with one hand and tried to hold my body back. Even in a moment like this, protecting me was built into his instinct.

  There was no time to brace for impact when a large tree on the opposite side of the road stopped the car with such force that I felt the imprint of the seatbelt bruise me and knock the breath out of me. The crunch of the metal and the sound of breaking glass echoed in my ears. My head flung backward as it came to an abrupt stop.

  "Ow," I moaned as I touched my chest. It hurt to breathe. I couldn't help thinking that maybe I was injured worse than I thought. Adrenaline began to pump through my veins as I released the seatbelt.

  My neck hurt and I rubbed it with my hand, trying to ease the pain. It took me a few seconds to comprehend what had just happened.

  Had we hit something? Or had someone hit us?

  Matthew.

  I looked to Matthew. He had a gash on his forehead and there was blood dripping from it.

  The sight of blood always reminded me of the scene of my murdered parents, but there wasn't time to panic. The darkness wanted to comfort me and began to creep through me, but I fought it. Matthew was hurt. He could die if I didn't try to do something.

  "Matthew," I croaked, trying to wake him up, but he wouldn't respond. Fear gripped me and I began to panic.

  This can't be happening, I thought as I pressed my shaky fingers to the side of his neck, praying that he was still alive. I cried out with relief when I felt a faint pulse beneath my fingertips. He was alive.

  I heard footsteps on the gravel. It had to be the person who had hit us. Pain shot through me as I turned to try and open the door.

  For a moment I felt a wave of dizziness and closed my eyes, trying to let
it pass over me. I felt a small prick of pain in my upper arm and my eyes flew open. Alarmed, I glanced to see a guy standing beside the car. A guy I knew.

  I rubbed the spot on my arm that hurt.

  "Why did you do that?" I asked, feeling more confused. It didn't help that my mind began to feel fuzzy and it was hard to concentrate. The numbness spread through my body and it became harder to keep myself awake.

  "Need to...get help...Matthew," I tried to say urgently, but it came out slow and slurred.

  My eyes grew heavy and it was impossible to stay awake. My eyes closed and I dropped into the darkness.

  My mouth was dry and it was hard to swallow. I ran the tip of my tongue across my bottom lip as I moved slightly. A fog had settled in my mind and it was hard to link my thoughts together.

  Groaning, I shifted slightly and felt the pain in my stomach and chest. When I opened my eyes, I took in my surroundings. My last moments before I blacked out came rushing back and confusion set in.

  I was lying on a small bed in a basement. It was dark except for a dim, single bulb that hung from the ceiling. I winced as I sat up, holding my aching middle. As I tried to figure out what happened, I rubbed my forehead. There was a dull throb that hadn't quite developed into a headache yet.

  I remembered the accident and Matthew being injured. Matthew. He'd gashed his head and he'd been knocked unconscious. The pain in my middle pulled my attention away from my thoughts and I lifted my shirt. Bruises were developing already.

  My eyes scanned the damp basement. My mind refused to acknowledge the reality of what I was seeing, but then I remembered the guy who had come to the car and I remembered the slight pinprick. Why would he do that? Most people would have called an ambulance. Why wasn't I in a hospital?

  I heard the door creak open at the top of the stairs when I finally understood what had happened. My breath hitched in my lungs as I watched a pair of dark boots descend the stairs one loud creaking step at a time.