Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  "I'm not sure I'm up for visitors yet," I murmured, feeling bad that I was trying to put it off. It wasn't that I didn't want to see them, because I did, what I wasn't looking forward to were the looks of sympathy.

  "I know you've been to hell and back, but those people waiting outside to see you have been so worried about you. They care about you and they need to see that you’re okay."

  I swallowed down the emotion his words pulled from me.

  "Okay. Send them in," I replied, feeling the nervous knot in my stomach.

  "They can't all come in at once. Matthew is dying to see you so I'll send him and Jordan in," he said. "I think you and Sin will want to talk alone."

  I gave him a brief nod. I plastered a weak smile onto my face as I watched my brother disappear out of my room. Minutes later, Jordan and Matthew walked in.

  "Oh my God," Jordan gasped as she rushed over to me and engulfed me in a hug. I bit down on my lip to keep myself together. The pain from the cut in my lip throbbed and helped me from feeling overwhelmed. The sight of my messed-up face was going to shock a lot of people.

  "Hey," Matthew greeted me as Jordan released me. His eyes were guarded and I knew why. The sight of me was a lot to take in.

  "It's good to see you," I said, trying to sound calm, but my voice was hoarse with emotion. I'd been so worried about him being left unconscious in the car after the accident.

  "I'm fine," he assured me.

  "We were so worried..." Jordan revealed, her voice breaking on the last word.

  "I'm okay," I tried to reassure her as I looked to her.

  "I still can't believe it was Eric," Matthew said, shaking his head.

  None of us had any inkling that Eric was the unstable stalker after me.

  "It's over," I said with finality in my voice that made Matthew and Jordan look at each other.

  "I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Matthew said.

  I gave him a questioning look and then I realized that he was feeling guilty that he hadn't been able to save me.

  "It wasn't your fault," I reassured him, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze. "Eric is mentally unstable and if you hadn't been unconscious, he would’ve killed you."

  Despite my words, Matthew looked unconvinced.

  "What happened to me wasn't anybody's fault and I don't want anyone to feel guilty," I stated firmly.

  He lifted his gaze to mine and gave me a brief nod. I gave him an encouraging smile and he smiled back.

  "Are you going to be leaving now?" I asked. I'd grown close to Matthew; he hadn't just been my bodyguard, he'd become my friend.

  "I'm going to stay a little while longer," he told me. "At least until Eric is firmly locked up for life."

  I pressed my lips together. I didn't like the way I felt when I heard his name. To Matthew it was just a name, but to me it held all the horrors I'd managed to escape.

  "I'm sorry," he murmured, seeing the effect it had on me.

  "It's okay. I need to work through it," I replied with a shrug.

  "We’d better go," Jordan interrupted.

  I gave her one last hug before she left behind Matthew. I was nervous and I touched a hand to my face.

  The moment he walked in, I felt my stomach flip at the sight of him. His eyes fixed on my face and I saw his jaw tighten. He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes. He stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans as he took a step closer, his eyes never leaving mine.

  "Hi," I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. It was the first time I'd seen him since he'd walked out on me. I couldn't help feeling self-conscious of my injuries under his gaze.

  "Hi," he said, taking another step closer. It was rare to see him like this. Normally he was confident and so sure of himself but now he looked nervous.

  "Tay..."

  "It's okay," I reassured him. "I'll be fine."

  I didn't even believe what I'd just said. There was no way I was fine after what had happened to me, but I needed him to believe I was okay.

  I shrugged and looked down at my hands. It was easier not to look at him because when I did I remembered how he'd told me that we were over and then he'd left. He hadn't even given me a chance to explain.

  I knew why he was here. It wasn't because nearly losing me had made him realize that he was in love with me—that crap only happened in sappy romance books and movies. The reality was that he felt guilty. Eric had been his roommate, someone he knew. I think he also carried more guilt because it had happened after he'd broken my heart and left town.

  "The doctors say everything will heal," I stated, lifting my eyes to see the emotion on his face. He ran a hand through his hair.

  "I should never have left," he revealed, taking another step closer. He was close enough that if I reached out I could touch his hand, but I didn't.

  "I know why you’re here," I stated.

  He swallowed hard and held my gaze.

  "Really?" he asked, looking suddenly very nervous.

  "Yes," I said, nodding my head.

  "It's guilt."

  His forehead creased as his tongue touched his lip ring.

  "Guilt?" he questioned.

  "Yes. You feel guilty because you left and then something bad happened. You probably think that you could’ve stopped it, but you wouldn't have been able to. Eric was determined, so determined that he would have left a trail of dead bodies to get me."

  He was shaking his head as he took his hands out of his pockets.

  "You probably also feel guilty that it was someone you knew," I added. "But it doesn't matter."

  He remained silent, studying me intently.

  "I'm going to tell you what I told everyone else. What happened to me rests solely on the shoulders of the crazy...who did this to me," I stated firmly, despite the way my voice broke slightly.

  "You’re right, I do feel guilty. I shouldn't have left and Eric shouldn't have laid one finger on you," he said. I could see anger bubbling inside him just below the surface. His eyes darkened.

  I didn't want to waste time on what should have happened because it didn't erase what did happen.

  "But that isn't why I'm here," he argued, taking the last step toward me as he reached for my hand.

  I allowed him to take it in his and he lifted it to his lips. He dropped a soft kiss on my hand. His touch felt so good, but I resisted it.

  "When I first heard you were gone, I was so terrified..." he said, closing his eyes briefly. He looked like he was struggling to contain the emotions he was feeling. "We had no idea if you were injured from the accident."

  Subconsciously, my free hand went to my chest where I'd sustained the bruises from the seatbelt.

  "We had no idea where you were," he continued.

  They'd been out of their minds with worry while I'd been wondering whether I would survive or not. I took a deep breath and released it when I felt the emotion start to build up again. I wished I could erase the few days I'd been a prisoner; it would make coping with it so much easier.

  "I didn't just come back because I felt guilty," he revealed to me as he brushed his thumb over my hand. "I came back because I made a mistake walking away. A mistake I won't ever make again."

  I shook my head at him, knowing where he was going with this.

  "I know what you think you feel," I argued. "But if you really felt that way, you wouldn't have let go of me so easily."

  It was harsh, but it needed to be done, like ripping off a Band-Aid. The faster you pulled it off, the less it hurt. He looked at me, a little shocked and still reeling from the blow.

  "You know what I learned from this whole ordeal?" I asked softly, pulling my hand out of his. This was easier to say if he wasn't touching me. The smallest touch from him would be enough to distract me and I had to stay focused.

  "What?" he asked. His eyes watchful.

  "I learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was," I told him.

  "You were always strong," he told me
softly. "You just didn't realize it."

  Surprised that was how he saw me, I paused for a moment before continuing.

  "It also made me realize that I need more than you will ever be willing to give," I revealed. Great sex and no clearly defined arrangement wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted the whole relationship thing and he would never be able to be that person who could give me that.

  It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to say, but I needed to. I felt the sting of tears, but I fought not to break down.

  "Don't put words in my mouth," he shot back as the realization of what I was saying sank in. I saw the determined glint in his eyes. "You have no idea what I'm willing to do to keep you."

  I took a shaky breath and felt the first tear slide down my face as I tore my gaze from him. It hurt too much. It felt like my heart was splitting in two.

  "Leaving town was a mistake and I admit that. I need you to understand why I did what I did," he tried to explain, but I was past excuses.

  I pressed my lips together as another tear slid down my face and I refused to look at him. If I looked at him, I wouldn't be able to remain strong enough to do what had to be done.

  I wasn't trying to bring him down or hurt him. I wanted him to realize why things would never work between us and life was too short to waste time on something that wasn't ever going to be enough.

  "Sex with you is...so good—more than good—but I need more than a physical relationship," I explained to him softly as I looked at him to gauge his reaction.

  "What if I want to give you what you want?" he asked, his eyes bright and nervous.

  "You've never dated anyone," I argued softly, so badly wanting him to be able to be the person I needed him to be, but I couldn't expect him to become someone he wasn't. I think I was the first person he'd slept with more than once. How could I expect someone like that to change? A nagging voice in my mind couldn't stop the doubt that the guilt of what happened to me was pushing him into this.

  "But what if I want that with you?"

  I didn't know what to say. I held my breath as another tear slid down my cheek and I held his gaze. His thumb brushed the tear away. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him tightly to my body.

  "No, it won't work," I said, refusing to give him hope. His guilt was pushing him to do this.

  "Why are you being so stubborn?" he said, sounding exasperated with me. "I want to give you what you want, and I don't understand why you won't let me."

  "Because you left me!" I snapped, yelling at him. I'd lost the control on my temper unexpectedly. He stood back like I'd physically slapped him.

  I took a deep breath to calm myself down. His eyes sought mine, but I looked away for a moment before looking back at him.

  "How am I supposed to believe that you want that when, before the attack, you left me? You didn't give me a chance to explain—you just left. If you cared for me, you would have listened to what I had to say, but you didn't. You only came back because of what happened to me."

  He was shaking his head at me as he flicked his tongue against his lip ring.

  "Honestly, I don't think you would have come back if Eric hadn't attacked me, and that hurts," I told him as another tear slid down my face, attesting to the heartbreak I was suffering.

  I hadn't planned on revealing to him how much he'd hurt me, but there was no hiding it now. The hurt was still firmly lodged in my heart. I was breathing hard and I clasped my hands together. I hadn't planned on losing it like this.

  "I need to explain to you why I left," he said softly. His eyes pleading with mine.

  There wasn't any explaining that was going to change my mind. I was starting to feel tired. I didn't know if it was because of my ordeal or the emotional exhaustion that was making my energy levels wane.

  "And you owe me a chance to explain," he told me softly.

  I lifted my eyes to his. I wanted to give in and take whatever he was offering, but I couldn't. After everything I'd survived, I deserved more than just settling for what he could give me. I was being selfish.

  "No, I don't," I stated as calmly as I could.

  "Don't do this, Tay," he warned softly.

  I had no choice.

  "I think you should leave," I told him, holding his gaze. He looked at me with a hard look and I saw his jaw clench. He swallowed hard as he held my gaze. A tense silence settled over us as we stared each other down.

  "I'll leave," he said, "but I'm not giving up."

  One more intense look and he turned and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

  I let out a shaky breath as I tried to keep myself together. Tears slid down my face and I brushed them away, trying to console myself that I'd done the right thing for both of us.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Taylor

  Everything around me looked dull and colorless. Something had been taken from me. I wasn't sure if Eric or Sin had taken it. I tried to move on, but it was hard with the constant pain in my heart. I spent a couple more days in the hospital before I was released.

  The police had come to take a statement from me and that had been difficult to relive every terrifying moment. It was then that I found out the finer details.

  Jeff, the guy who'd found me, had been instructed by Sin to find me and he'd begun to investigate everyone around me, which included Sin’s roommates.

  What had flagged Eric as suspicious to him had been the rental of another house while he was still renting a room in Sin's house. He'd been on his way to check it out when he'd stumbled across me, beaten in the street.

  I would always be grateful for Sin's part that he played in my rescue, but I'd shut the door firmly on him. He'd tried to visit me again in the hospital, but I'd refused to see him. While my heart wanted to hold on to him and never let go, my mind overrode my emotions. He'd tried calling and texting, but all he received was a wall of silence.

  I wanted to be able to go back to the girl I'd been before the attack. I honestly hoped that when I got home, I would settle back into my life. But I wasn't that same person and I couldn't pick my life up where it had left off. The trauma of what I'd been through weighed heavily on my shoulders.

  For the first couple of days I was still recovering, the bruises on my face stopped me from even considering going back to college. News of what had happened to me had gotten out and I was too self-conscious to walk around with visible injuries.

  But even when the bruises began to fade and the physical reminders of my attack began to disappear, I couldn't bring myself to go back to school. No one around me seemed to know how to handle me. Even my brother was not sure whether to push me to go back to college or to leave me to decide when I was ready. So, for the next few days, everyone kept quiet and let me hole-up in my room, hiding away from the world.

  Then one morning an insistent knock at my door jarred me from my sleep.

  "Open the door, Taylor," I heard my brother demand on the other side of the door.

  I groaned and turned around on the bed, putting my back to the door as I snuggled deeper into my pillow. I hoped that if I ignored him, he would go away.

  He knocked louder.

  "Geez," I muttered as I stumbled from my bed, brushing my messy hair out of my face.

  "What?" I asked as I opened my door and pinned my bother with an angry look.

  "Shower and get dressed," he instructed and I frowned. He pushed past me and walked into my room.

  "What the hell?" I turned to ask him as I put my hands on my hips.

  "I can't let you do this anymore," he replied fiercely. "Go shower and get clothes on. You are going to school today."

  Fear crept into me. I wasn't ready for that. I dropped my hands from my hips as I stepped forward.

  "I can't...I'm not ready," I tried to argue, but he was shaking his head at me. He had a determined look in his eye that told me he wasn’t going to back down.

  "I left you alone, hoping that you would be able
to get yourself together, but it hasn't worked," he explained. I could see that he was truly worried about me. Did he think I was going to slip back into the darkness—the place I'd fought so hard to escape?

  "I'm not ready," I whispered, feeling my fear escalate. My eyes pleaded with his.

  "I'm doing this because I love you," he revealed in a firm voice. "I know you’re still scared, but Eric is locked up, there is no way he can get to you."

  I was shaking my head at him, trying to get him to understand. Didn't he realize that it had taken so long for me to recover from my first traumatic experience only to be targeted again? I doubted I would ever feel safe again. There would always be that thought in the back of my mind that something might happen to me.

  "Matthew will be with you," he reassured me as he cocked his head to the side.

  Before the attack, that would have meant something to me, but the fact that Eric had gotten to me while I was with Matthew didn't make me feel any safer with Matthew. It wasn't like he'd made a mistake and Eric had taken advantage of that. I swallowed hard, seeing the determined look in my brother's eyes.

  "You have thirty minutes," he informed me before he stalked out of my bedroom, leaving me staring open-mouthed in shock that he was forcing me to do this.

  My hands shook as I went into my bathroom to take a shower. I quickly showered and then got dressed for class. In my bathroom mirror, I used what little makeup I had to cover up the faint bruise that was still visible on my face. All three of them were waiting for me as I walked out of my bedroom. Jordan was the first one to step forward and throw an arm around my shoulders.

  "It will be fine," she said, trying to soothe me, but her words didn't ease the growing horror building up inside of me.

  "Are you sure this is the way to do it?" Matthew asked Connor, not convinced they were doing the right thing. I felt hope rise in my chest as I held my breath, hoping my brother wouldn't make me leave the apartment.

  "We have to do something. She can't spend the rest of her life holed up in her room," he explained.

  Nerves mingled with my fear as I walked beside Matthew and Connor, with Jordan following behind us to the college. I held on to the strap of my bag and dug my nails into the palm of my free hand.