Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  As we walked, my eyes raced from one stranger to another, trying to read their body language to see if they were a threat to me. A few stopped to stare at me and I tried my best to ignore them. Word about what had happened had gotten around campus.

  A hand softly touched my back and my eyes shot to Matthew.

  "It's okay," he assured me gently, his eyes seeing my fear.

  I gave him a nod as I bit down on my lip, trying to keep my emotions from taking over. I didn't want to be scared anymore—I wanted my life back—so, despite my fear, I put one foot in front of the other and I walked to my first class.

  "I'll see you later," Jordan said as she hugged me goodbye. "Call me if you need anything."

  I watched as she disappeared down the hallway to her first class.

  "You'll be okay," my brother assured me as he hugged me.

  My throat was too clogged with emotion to be able to reply, so I nodded my head.

  "I'll see you back at the apartment later," he told me as he released me.

  Alone with Matthew, I turned to face the door to my first class of the day and I hesitated. A warm hand enveloped mine and I looked up at Matthew.

  "You can do this," he told me softly. I wasn't so sure, but I took a deep breath to try and ease the growing panic spreading inside of me.

  Slowly, Matthew opened the door and walked in first. He continued to hold my hand as I took one step followed by another. My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt like I could hear my heartbeat echo in my ears. As I got closer to my usual seat, I saw Caleb notice me. He smiled and stood up.

  "It's good to have you back," he said to me when I got to my seat.

  Despite all the emotions drowning me inside, I gave him a weak smile.

  "I'm glad to be back too," I lied. Despite my fear, I knew the only way to get my life back was to fight for it.

  I'd survived the horrific murder of my parents. I'd survived being kidnapped and beaten by a crazy stalker. I was stronger than I ever thought I was and there was no way I was going to let my fear rule my life.

  The first day back at college was the worst, but I pushed through it with the help of my family and friends. Each day my fear began to ease and I began to settle back into college. The stares and whispers began to die down as well and my kidnapping became old news.

  The fear would never completely go away, but I found ways to deal with it. When I felt things were becoming too overwhelming, I would try and breathe through it. I tried not to concentrate on too many things when I felt like this. It was easier to concentrate on one specific thing and try and work my way through it.

  It also made me realize how lucky I was to have a brother who dropped everything to be there for me. He'd rescheduled his life to make sure he could be around while I got my life back on track. I was surprised that he hadn't tried to move me back home. It was like he'd realized that I was an adult and I had my own life to live.

  Matthew and Jordan were great friends to me. They were so supportive and understanding. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve such good friends.

  One afternoon two weeks after my kidnapping, I was finishing up some homework in my room when I heard someone knock on the front door. I wasn't expecting anyone and I knew Matthew, who was in the living room, would answer the door.

  I heard Matthew greet the visitor, but I never heard a response. Distracted, I tried to focus on what I needed to finish.

  "Tay."

  The sound of Sin's voice saying my name washed over me and made me look to my doorway where I saw Sin standing there with a folder in his hands. Stunned at his unexpected visit, I stood up and crossed my arms.

  "What are you doing here?" I asked, feeling my heart begin to race at the sight of him. Any time that had passed since I’d seen him hadn’t eased the effect he had on me, or my feelings for him.

  He looked tired and his normally neat hair was slightly messy. I had to fight the urge to touch him.

  "I had to do something. You won't answer my calls or return my texts," he said, sounding a little hurt.

  It took me a few moments to realize that Matthew had let Sin into the apartment. Why had Matthew done that? I would definitely be having words with him when I was finished with Sin.

  "This isn't fair," I told him, feeling angry that he was trying to force something that was just going to hurt the two of us.

  "Who said I had to play by the rules?" he shot back, giving me a fierce look.

  He was making this whole thing so much harder. Didn't he know I was doing the best thing for the both of us? When I'd decided to shut him out, I'd done it for his benefit as well.

  "And I'm not leaving until you hear me out," he told me.

  I held his piercing gaze and I saw the determination in his eyes. Whether I wanted to or not, I was going to have to hear what he had to say.

  "Fine," I said in a clipped tone. I sat down on my bed with my arms crossed, waiting for him to talk. It was then that I recognized the folder he held in his hands. It was the background check Connor had done on him. Why had he brought that with him? Sin closed the bedroom door and turned to face me.

  "How did you get Matthew to let you in?" I asked, feeling a little betrayed by my friend.

  "I called him. He gave me a chance to tell him why I needed to speak to you and, well, here I am," he explained, sweeping my room with his gaze.

  So Matthew thought that whatever Sin had to say was important enough to go against my decision?

  "I'm listening," I said, feeling hurt that they'd done this behind my back.

  I had no choice but to listen to what he had to say. But I wasn't convinced that anything he could say would change my mind. It all boiled down to the fact that he'd left me. He hadn't given me a chance to explain and he'd left without a backward glance. If I'd meant anything to him, he wouldn't have been able to walk away like he had. I wasn't convinced that anything he could say was going to change that. I was curious, though, as to why he had the folder with him.

  "You have it in your head that I just came back because I was concerned and because I felt guilty," he started, taking a step closer.

  The way he looked at me pulled at my heart. Didn't he know he was making it so much more difficult for me to do the right thing? I pressed my lips together.

  "What I feel is so much more than that," he stated, making my heart skip a beat. I wanted so badly to believe.

  He held the folder in both of his hands, and then his eyes dropped from mine to the folder he held.

  "I know you didn't read the folder," he said so softly for a moment that I thought I'd misheard him.

  "Why do you suddenly believe me now?" I asked. How could he know that now for sure, despite the fact that I already told him before that I hadn’t? I remembered how upset he'd been when he'd discovered the folder in my room. He'd been so convinced that I'd read it, he'd left without giving me an opportunity to explain. It had pushed him to leave town, hadn't it?

  "I don't understand," I murmured as I looked at the puzzle pieces in my mind that suddenly didn't seem to fit together.

  If he knew I hadn't read the folder, why had he left? It didn't make any sense. I dropped my arms to my side as I kept my eyes fixed on him.

  "I want to explain everything to you, but I think you need to read it for yourself," he said, holding out the folder to me. My gaze dropped to the folder he was holding.

  He'd been so upset about it. Why would he now hand it to me and tell me to read it?

  "Take it," he instructed and I took the folder from him and held it with both hands. "I want you to read it."

  I studied the folder for a few moments before I looked back up at him. He was nervous. His tongue flickering against his lip ring was a tell-tale sign.

  "I don't need to know about your past," I stated with a sigh. "It doesn't matter to me."

  I felt the way I did and nothing in that folder was going to change that. He'd had a rough start in life so I hadn't expected him to be squeaky clean, but I k
new what type of person he was now and that had mattered to me more.

  "I know," he said. He looked resigned. He wanted me to read what was in the folder even though he looked scared as to how I was going to handle it.

  "I'm not sure why you want me to read it now," I said to him.

  "I never wanted you to know any of it," he replied honestly as he ran an agitated hand through his hair. "But you've left me no choice. It’s the only way for you to understand why I didn't think I was good enough for you and that was the reason why I left. I didn't leave because I didn't care about you."

  One moment of strained silence ticked into another. I swallowed hard. He looked so sure of himself and I began to doubt that I'd had all the facts when I'd made my decision to cut him out of my life. But I noticed he seemed nervous.

  "Why are you nervous?" I asked.

  He looked at me with sadness.

  "There is a chance I will lose you anyway." I had no idea what in the folder made him scared that would happen.

  "Promise me you will read it," he asked softly as his eyes implored mine.

  I felt myself nodding. My curiosity was piqued and he'd gone to such lengths to organize this, the least I could do was read it.

  "I’ll read it," I promised him softly. I'd had that folder for ages and I'd never once looked in it and now I was going to read everything. I wasn't nervous because nothing was going to change how I much I loved him.

  "You know where to find me when you're done," he said just before he turned to open my bedroom door.

  "I'll see you soon. Even if it's just to tell me you never want to see me again," he said, turning back to look at me one more time before walking out of my bedroom and leaving me a little stunned.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Taylor

  I don't know how long I sat there staring at the folder in my hands after Sin left. When my brother had first handed it to me, I never thought it would play such an important part in my life, but here I was, sitting, ready to open it up and read the contents.

  "Are you okay?" Matthew asked from my doorway and I looked at him. He looked a little nervous.

  "Traitor," I accused. The anger I'd first felt at him for allowing Sin into the apartment evaporated and all I felt was a nervous fear building up inside of me at what was inside of the folder.

  "I'm sorry and I know it was underhanded, but he deserved the chance to explain," he said. "I saw how messed up he was when you were missing."

  I knew that he would have been upset, but how could I be sure that whatever he was feeling wasn't being driven by guilt? I took a deep breath, not wanting to be reminded of the nightmare I was trying to forget about.

  "Did you guys manage to sort it out?" he asked.

  "I'm not sure," I replied honestly with a shrug. "He left me with something that I need to read."

  Although he looked curious as his eyes dropped to the folder I held, he gave me a nod and he stepped out of my room, closing the door behind him.

  I opened the folder and took a deep breath.

  My eyes scanned over the first couple of pages. At first there didn't seem to be anything that I hadn't already thought of when I'd first met him. It didn't surprise me that he'd had run-ins with the law. I was beginning to think maybe he'd overreacted and then I found what he'd wanted to hide from me. The reason why he'd left stared at me from the pages I held in my hand.

  It didn't surprise me, but it made me understand why he'd been scared. Seeing the details of his rap sheet made me feel bad for what he had to go through. I rubbed my temple, trying to sort through my thoughts. The knowledge brought back the memories of my parents' murder and it was hard to be faced with them so soon after my kidnapping.

  All the pieces to the puzzle began to fit together and now I had a clearer picture to look at. Everything began to make more sense. I understood why Sin had been so upset about the folder. It hadn't just been because he felt like I'd violated some sort of trust; he'd been scared of me finding out about his past. With this new information, I understood why Sin didn't feel he was good enough for me. He'd been so convinced that it would change how I felt about him, and it had scared him enough to leave. He knew it would only be a matter of time before I'd find out.

  He saw it as something I could have struggled to see past. For the first time since he'd told me that he cared for me, I believed him. I had to take a deep breath to try and gain control of the emotions building up inside of me.

  I spent the rest of the day in a daze, unsure of exactly how to handle it. I got a couple of concerned looks from Matthew and Jordan, but I wasn't going to tell anyone.

  "I would never have let him in to see you if I thought it would upset you this much," Matthew told me when he cornered me in the kitchen after dinner.

  I put my dirty plate in the sink and turned to face him.

  "I don't want to talk about it," I said to him. "There is stuff I need to work through."

  "Sure," he said, nodding his head, but I could see he felt guilty for helping Sin.

  "Don't feel bad, it needs to get sorted out," I told him, trying to relieve his guilt. He gave me a brief nod even though he didn't look entirely convinced.

  I disappeared into my bedroom to try and shut out the rest of the world while I tried to figure out what I was going to do.

  That night, I didn’t sleep a wink. I tossed and turned, but I never felt the welcome release of sleep.

  The next morning when I got up, I decided it was time to talk to Sin. I had classes, but I was going to skip them because there was no way I could concentrate on anything with thoughts of Sin plaguing my mind. I needed to talk to him.

  I rubbed my eyes and yawned as I walked into my bathroom to get dressed. Dazed and tired, I got into my clothes and brushed my hair. I didn't bother with makeup to hide my lack of sleep. When I stepped out of my room and walked into the kitchen to get some coffee, Matthew smiled at me and offered me a cup.

  "Thanks," I mumbled as I took it and filled it with coffee.

  "You look tired," he noted as he studied me.

  "I am tired," I admitted. I took a sip of the hot, fragrant liquid.

  Matthew didn't ask me any more questions; instead, he stood watching me closely.

  "I'm not going to school today," I told him.

  I expected him to argue or ask why, but instead he said, "Okay, where are we going, then?"

  I held his gaze and said, "I need to talk to Sin."

  He didn't seem to be that surprised as he nodded his head.

  "Okay," he replied and I felt relieved that I didn't have to explain why. I didn't want to tell anyone else about Sin's past. Besides, it wasn't any of their business. Jordan was sleeping in and didn't have class till much later, so it left Matthew and me on our own, drinking our coffee.

  "Are you ready?" he asked as he set his empty coffee mug down on the counter.

  "Yes," I said. I was nervous.

  The drive to Sin's house was quiet. I was lost in my thoughts and Matthew didn't try and make conversation. It was evident that I had too much on my mind to be interested in small talk. Along with the swirl of emotions inside of me, I began to feel more and more nervous the closer we got. By the time Matthew pulled the car up in front of Sin's house, I was beyond nervous.

  "You sure you need to do this?" asked Matthew as he took in my body language.

  I nodded my head and unbuckled my seatbelt.

  "Are you sure he’s even going to be here?" he asked.

  "He’ll be here," I answered, knowing that he was probably waiting for me to show up.

  "Do you need me to go in with you?" he asked when I hesitated with my hand on the door handle.

  "No, I have to do this alone," I said, opening the door and getting out of the car.

  Matthew remained in the car and watched me climb the steps. In front of the door, I gave myself one more pep talk before I knocked and held my breath, waiting for Sin to answer it.

  Sin finally opened the door. He looked anx
ious. He was still obviously convinced that I wouldn't be able to see past what I'd read in his folder.

  "Tay," he said and stood back, inviting me into his house with the sweep of his hand.

  I didn't like his house anymore. There was something in it that was forever tied to Eric. No matter how hard I tried not to think about him, I couldn't stop the thoughts of him or kidnapping and confinement.

  "Don't be nervous," he said as he studied me. "I got rid of my other roommate. Only Slater and I live here now."

  He was trying to ease my fear, but it didn't work.

  "Would you rather talk upstairs in my room?" he asked when he noticed I was still agitated.

  "Yes," I whispered.

  He climbed the stairs and I followed behind to his room. I walked into his room and I immediately felt safe. In his room the only memories I had were of the two of us. From the first awkward encounter to when I'd lost my virginity to him. I'd fallen in love with him in this room.

  He closed the door and turned to face me.

  "You read the file." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.

  I bit my lip as I nodded. Several seconds passed in silence. There was so much to sort out between us and I didn't know where to start. His eyes watched me for the slightest emotion to gauge how I'd taken the information.

  "There wasn't a lot in that file that my imagination hadn't already conjured up," I began to say. "I know which part you were scared I would find out about."

  "Dealing drugs," he finished for me and I saw the resignation in his face.

  I nodded. The guys who'd murdered my parents had been high on drugs at the time they'd committed the crime. That was the reason why he'd felt I wouldn't be able to forgive him for it.

  "Why?" I asked, needing him to explain it to me. A guy who dealt drugs didn't fit in with the person who'd watched me the night my drink got spiked. He dropped his gaze to the floor.

  "I've told you about some of my crappy childhood," he began to explain as he lifted his eyes to mine. In them I saw the small boy who didn't know what it was like to be loved.