My Heart is Yours

by Amanda Morey

  “No. Not that. I mean . . . do you regret that we slept together?”

  She looked up at him, into his dark eyes. “No. I love you Jason. I’ll never regret it.” She laid her head on his shoulder. “Do you?” She added.

  “Of course not.” He looked down at her. “I love you, too.”

  She smiled and they kissed again, soft and sweet.

  “Craig and I got into a huge fight. I told him Mom and Dad would’ve never done what he did. And I told him I hated him.”

  “Aw, Sam, you don’t really hate him.”

  “Yes I do. I haven’t spoken to him and I don’t plan on it. He’s trying to keep me away from you; I do hate him.”

  “No you don’t. He’s your brother. He’s just mad. He’ll get over it. You will too. Everything’s gonna work out, baby.”

  She sighed and shook her head, her hair swinging back and forth slowly. “I don’t know Jason.”

  He pulled her to him gently and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger there.

  For the past two months Jason and Sam had been sneaking around. Craig still hadn’t let up, so Sam and Jason would see each other every night. With the help of John, Shawn and Matt, Sam would sneak out of her room to meet Jason in the vacant lot. Jason was staying at Shawn’s house, so at least Sam knew he was safe. She had to speak to Craig, of course, but she kept it to a bare minimum.

  Sam was lying on Jason’s chest on a grey worn out blanket in the vacant lot that had become their meeting place. Most would say that it wasn’t the most picturesque of places to meet but they were the ones who didn’t really see. See the beauty of the chipped fountain with the moonlight glinting off of the water. Or the beauty of the sound of swishing leaves in the trees. They were the ones who threw their garbage on the ground and muddled that beauty.

  “I wish we didn’t have to sneak around like this.” Sam said.

  “I know. I’m tired of it, too. I just want to be able to be with you whenever I want.” Jason ran his fingers through her hair.

  Sam sighed. “Me too.”

  “We should just run away together.” Jason said with a smirk, though he was more serious than he sounded.

  “What?” Sam asked, giggling.

  “Run away with me. So we can be together Sam.” His voice had become more serious now.

  “Jason, come on, you know I can’t do that.” Sam shook her head.

  “Why not? Don’t you love me?” He asked with a lopsided smile.

  “You know I love you. More than anything.” She said, running her fingers through Jason’s black hair. “But I can’t just leave. At the very least I have to finish the few classes I’m taking this semester. And John and Matt are here. And the other guys. They’re my family. I can’t just leave them.” She kissed him on the cheek.

  “Alright. Then marry me.”

  “What?”

  ***

  ***

  “I said . . . marry me.”

  “Are you serious?” Sam asked.

  “Of course I am.” Jason stared steadily into her eyes.

  “Jason. What?” Sam shook her head like a dog shedding off water.

  He laughed at her shock and kissed the tip of her nose. She took a quivering breath. “We can’t just get married.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because. Well, well because . . .” Her hands flailed about uselessly.

  He raised his eyebrows. Sighing, Sam finally said, “We probably can’t afford a wedding Jason.”

  “It doesn’t have to be a big wedding. Just your brothers, Shawn, Chris, Juliana. Maybe some of your teachers, since they adore you.”

  Sam blushed a light shade of peach and rolled her eyes. The moonlight caught a glint on her hair that bounced off of it radiantly.

  “I’d say my family too but all I have is my dad and he doesn’t care if I’m dead in a ditch, so I know he won’t care if I’m getting married. He’d probably show up drunk and beat me right at the altar. I have no family.” Jason said.

  Sam caressed Jason’s cheek and leaned her forehead against his. Light as a feather she pressed her lips to his.

  “That’s not true.” She whispered. “The guys are your family. My brothers are your family. My family is your family.”

  Jason smiled weakly as a tear escaped from his eyes. Then his smile became genuine and mischievous. He said, “You’d be family too if you were my wife.”

  “Jason.”

  “Sam, I’m not joking.” He took her face in his hands. “I am completely serious.”

  “How would we afford a house? We can’t live with my brothers. Well I mean we could, but would we really want to?”

  Suddenly Jason looked sheepish. He started to say something but hesitated.

  “Jason.” Sam said firmly. “What is it?”

  “I’ve been putting away money for months now Sam.”

  “Months?” She almost squeaked out the word.

  “Actually, well I uh, I don’t wanna lie to you, baby. It’s been over a year since I started saving. I have enough money saved up for a small wedding and almost enough for a down payment on a house.”

  “You’ve been planning this for that long?” Sam asked quietly.

  “Well I didn’t have a date planned when I would ask or anything, but I knew I was gonna ask eventually and I wanted to be prepared when I did.” He answered.

  “Oh, Jason.” Sam closed her eyes. She knew she would marry Jason at some point. But was now the right time? The responsible, career oriented, somewhat feminist Sam would say no. Finish school, move out of Craig’s. But how long would that take? She didn’t want to wait that long to marry Jason. Was she being too impulsive? What if something happened? Suddenly images of their wedding, honey moon, setting up their house, cuddling in bed, their first child, setting up the nursery, family dinners, Easters and Christmases, and her and Jason growing old together flooded her mind. And she knew. She knew she wasn’t being impulsive at all.

  “Sam?”

  She opened her eyes to look at Jason’s face. The face of the man she’d be waking up next to every day for the rest of her life. Once they were married.

  “Sam?”

  “Yes.” She said.

  “Yes what?”

  “Yes. My answer’s yes.” She said.

  “Yes? It’s a yes?” Jason echoed.

  “Yes! Yes, it’s a yes! I will marry you!” Sam shouted.

  “You will?” Jason had never smiled like this in his life.

  “Yes!” Sam shouted again.

  They beamed and laughed and tickled each other rolling around on the ground like two giddy children.

  “Are you ready to do this?” Jason asked.

  “No.” Sam answered.

  “Ready now?” He asked.

  “No.” She repeated.

  Jason gave her hand a quick squeeze.

  After a deep breath she said, “Okay.” And they walked through the white front door to her house at 3:22 in the morning.

  “Hopefully we live long enough to get married.” Sam said, letting the door slam behind her. “Because Craig’s going to kill us.”

  Someone started on the couch and another figure shot up in the arm chair. Shawn and Chris were staying over again. Chris was probably too drunk to walk home and Shawn’s dad was probably home for once. Which meant it was better if Shawn wasn’t.

  “What the hell are you two doing?” Shawn whispered fiercely. “Are you out of your God damned minds?”

  “We need to tell Craig something.” Sam said.

  “Better be something good.” Chris muttered.

  “It is.” Jason said. “We’re getting married.”

  The statement was met with two blank stares. Then Shawn said, “Craig’s gonna kick your ass.” Just then Craig came around the corner and flipped on the living room light. John and Matt followed behind him, rubbing their eyes.

  “What the hell?” Craig said.

  “Hi Craig.” Sam said casually, as if she was simply coming h
ome from her class at the community college.

  “Samantha.” Craig said slowly, as if he was mystified as to how she was standing here in front of him, instead of asleep in her bed.

  “Jason.” He said in a completely different tone. Not so much mystified as murderous. “I thought I told you to stay out of my house?”

  Jason opened his mouth but nothing came out. He just opened and closed it a few times like a goldfish.

  “Don’t blame him.” Sam interjected, glowing by the light of the moon. “I brought him here.”

  “You weren’t even supposed to be seeing him. How’d you get out of the house without me knowing?”

  “She had help.” Shawn said.

  “You helped her?” Craig’s murderous tone was now turned on Shawn.

  “Not just him. Me too.” John said.

  Craig looked all around him. “All of you? All of you were helping her sneak out?”

  “Leave them alone Craig. I could’ve told them I wasn’t going to sneak out but I didn’t.”

  “How long have you been sneaking out to see him?” Craig’s voice was flat as a sheet of ice.

  “Since the day after you kicked him out.”

  “What? I told you you couldn’t see him again!”

  “You can’t tell me not to see him, I’m twenty years old.” Sam put a hand on her hip defiantly.

  “I am telling you that and you’re not gonna see him.” Craig warned.

  “Actually I am going to ‘see him’ again. Every day for the rest of our lives. Because we’re getting married.” Sam said. She gave Craig a moment to let it sink in.

  “I. You. No.” Craig took a breath, walked down the hallway and then back. “You’re not getting married.”

  “Yes we are.” Sam said.

  “No, you’re not.” Craig waved a muscled finger at her.

  “Yes. we are.” Sam repeated through gritted teeth.

  “No! Samantha! You’re not!” Craig’s relatively calm demeanor shattered and he bellowed at them.

  At the same time Sam’s shell of calm cracked. “Why not? I don’t understand you! What do you have against Jason?”

  “He’s not good enough for you! He’s gonna hold you back!”

  “God Craig who is good enough for me? How is Jason going to hold me back?” Sam yelled as she took on the appearance of an infuriated angel by the glint of the moonlight.

  “You’re not gonna go to college! Get a job! You could do so much but if you marry him you’ll just push out his kids and be a housewife! That’s all you’ll be! I want you to be more!”

  “Oh! Shut up Craig! Just shut up! I’m sick of it! Jason and I are getting married! I’m twenty years old, you can’t stop me! You know, when mom and dad died I always pictured you walking me down the aisle and giving me away! But obviously that isn’t going to happen, because you’re not even going to be at my wedding!”

  She stormed out onto the porch and let the screen door slam shut behind her. A gust of icy wind blew through the house.

  Sam was out on the porch in the cool breeze. Not cool like the relieving breezes that come in the summer, but a bitter cold. Browned leaves that had fallen from the trees swirled in the wind in the yard of yellowed grass. “Sam.” Jason’s hair fell into his eyes as he laid a hand on her shoulder. “You know you want Craig at our wedding.”

  She wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “Of course I want him at our wedding, Jason. I’m not even going to try to deny that. And I want him to be the one to give me away too. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Her voice cracked. Jason pulled her into his arms and she sobbed into the shoulder of his jean jacket.

  “She’s acting like a child.” Craig said to John in the hallway.

  “You sure she’s the one acting like a child?” John said raising a honey colored eyebrow.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Craig eyes flashed blue fire.

  “You’ve been saying the same thing since they started dating. That Jason’s gonna hold her back. And he hasn’t.” John pointed out.

  “What are you talking about? She didn’t go to college. She got a full time job right after high school.” Craig tried to apply reason to his actions.

  “She’s taking night classes. And putting half of that money away in a college fund. The other half she uses to help out with bills. How dare she.” John rolled his eyes. “And that had nothing to do with Jason. She couldn’t go to college because we didn’t have enough money even with a scholarship. How’s that Jason’s fault? What did he do? Hide all our money?”

  “Stop being a smart ass.” Craig growled.

  “Stop being an ass.” John said as smooth as the gel he sometimes put in his hair.

  A stare down ensued. First to break was John; but not because he gave up, because he wasn’t done with his speech.

  “We know she loves him. And how can you say he doesn’t love her? Have you seen the way he looks at her? He’d never do anything to hurt her or hold her back. You know they’re getting married no matter what you say. We’ll all be there. I hope you will too.” John turned on his heel and walked back into the living room.

  “Sam. Jason. Please get in here.” Craig stood with his hands behind his back.

  Sam walked in the door, Jason half pushing her. “What?” She said, crossing her arms and holding her chin high. Her voice cracked through her shell.

  “Don’t mess this up.” Was all Craig said.

  “What?” Jason asked.

  “Your lives. Don’t mess it up.” He said again.

  “Is that your way of saying we have your blessing?” Sam scoffed.

  “Yes.” Craig said in a softer voice. “I’m sorry, Sam. I would never miss my chance to walk you down the aisle.” Even Craig had tears in his eyes at this point.

  Sam smiled through her tears and hugged him. He kissed the top of her head.

  “So you’re getting married.” Craig said as Sam pulled away, her smile lit up like a seventy watt light bulb.

  “I’m getting married!” She announced as she wiped away her tears.

  As Sam hugged all the other guys in a parade of laughter Craig turned to Jason and held out his hand. Jason glanced down. He hesitated only a moment before they shook. He stared at their hands as if they were about to explode at any time.

  “Take care of her.” Craig said.

  Jason met his eyes. “I will.” He said, and then, “And I won’t hold her back.”

  The blue fire briefly returned to Craig’s eyes. “I know you won’t.”

  ***

  Sam sat at her kitchen table with a couple of bridal magazines in front of her. The smell of the coffee brewing was enticing her and she got up to make herself a cup.

  “Sit down!” Juliana snapped, swatting her hand with a spoon. “You need to look at those magazines. I’ll make your cup of coffee.” Juliana had come home for the weekend when she heard Sam and Jason were engaged.

  “Why did you bring me these magazines Jules?” Sam asked, flipping through the one in the middle of the white kitchen table. Juliana had bought a couple before she came to visit, saying that they needed them to get ideas for their own wedding.

  “Because you’re engaged. You’re going to have to plan a wedding Samantha.”

  “I think I should just elope.” She said as she looked at a picture of a wedding cake elaborately piped with white frosting.

  “Don’t you dare! We’re having a real wedding!”

  “Eloping isn’t a real wedding? You’re still husband and wife at the end of it.” She raised her eyebrows.

  “Stop. You know what I mean Sam.”

  A picture of a giant frilly dress was on the next page. Sam scrunched up her face and threw the magazine closed. They’d get a real wedding, but frills and ruffles were not happening. Ever.

  “Hey!” John said, strutting into the kitchen and grabbing a coffee mug from the cabinet. He tossed it from his left hand to his right.

  “Don’t break that.�
�� Craig said.

  “Calm down.” John answered. He walked over to the kitchen table. “What the hell’s all this?” He grabbed a bridal magazine off the table and flipped through it.

  “Juliana brought them over.” Sam answered.

  “Yeah, for Sam. We’re planning a wedding here people.”

  “What kind of wedding do you think we’re planning?” John asked as he stared at the elaborate decorations and dresses in the magazines. He cocked an eyebrow.

  “One where we go broke.” Craig said as he joined John by the kitchen table.

  “It’s just to get ideas.” Juliana said, handing Sam her cup of coffee.

  John, Craig and Juliana watched as Sam drained half the cup in one sip. She wiped off her mouth with the back of her hand. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She said.

  “Nervous?” John asked.

  “Nervous. Excited. Ecstatic.” She grinned. A light peach flushed her whole face.

  John smiled. “Where’s Jason?”

  “He should be over soon. He stayed at Shawn’s last night.” Sam said.

  “Do you guys want some breakfast?” She asked as she opened the fridge. She pulled out the carton of eggs, already knowing their answer.

  “Oh, yeah.” John said. “Scrambled eggs and bacon?”

  “Coming up.” She said cracking the first of eight eggs into a white plastic bowl. She took out a carton of milk and let some flow into the bowl. She beat it all together with a fork and watched it turn a pale yellow color. It reminded her of the bursts of yellow on the quilt her mom had made for her. She poured the eggs into the pan and moved them around with a spatula absentmindedly. She was thinking about the look on her mom’s face when she gave her the quilt. She had been so proud of herself for not messing up any of the stitches as she so often had a habit of doing. Sam giggled quietly.

  “What are you laughing at?” She felt someone’s warm breath whisper against her ear. She dropped the spatula in the pan sending egg flying onto the counter and stove.

  “Jason.” She said. “You scared me.” She reached for the paper towels but his tan hand wrapped around hers and turned her around. He pressed his lips gently to hers.