Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  I eventually broke down and tried to call his cell phone and like I expected the number had been changed to an unpublished number. I emailed him, but that came back as “undeliverable.” I wrote him a letter and sent it to the house, hoping that his mail would get forwarded to his new address, but I haven’t heard a word. Even though we’re not together anymore, I know for a fact that he would want to know about his child. He wouldn’t want to miss out again. At least, the Adam that I knew wouldn’t have wanted that.

  ***

  A DAY LATER, Dr. Graham confirms my pregnancy with a urine sample and congratulates me on making it through my first trimester. She says things looked good despite my humiliating confession that I drank an entire bottle of vodka earlier in my pregnancy. She was very compassionate and assured me that I should be just fine. When she asked about the baby’s father, I shook my head and told her that I would be doing this on my own.

  “If anyone can do this, Mia, it’s you.” Her words comforted me, giving me the courage to do just that. I could have this baby and raise her without Adam. Between my mom, Josh, Araceli, Shelby and Pete and me, she’d have all the love she’d ever need.

  Dr. Graham recommended an OB-GYN, gave me a script for prenatal vitamins and said that I could continue running as long as I feel good.

  I walk into the grocery store to pick up some ingredients to make dinner for Shelby and Mike. I know she’s exhausted and Mike has been working a lot of overtime these days. The first person I see is Angie, bagging groceries at her register. I think the whole store knows I’m back from Texas when she squeals with delight and gives me a tight hug.

  “Come on over here, girl. Give me some love.”

  Angie eyeballs me from head to toe, “You look good, Mia. You look happy and healthy, girl.”

  Happy? No. Healthy? Yes. It’s not that I’m unhappy about my unexpected pregnancy I just wish I had a way to let Adam know. “Thanks, Ang. I feel good. This summer was just what I needed. Josh sends his love.”

  “Oh, that sweet boy! How is he?” Her eyes shine brightly when she smiles.

  “He’s good. I think he’s coming here for Christmas this year.”

  The line of impatient shoppers grows longer and the sound of someone clearing their throat gets our attention. Angie snaps her teeth, turns to her customer and says, “Patience is a virtue. Didn’t your mama teach you that?” I smile and wink as I push my cart to get some food.

  ***

  SHELBY GREETS ME in tattered yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt. She looks haggard and unhappy. The baby wails from the other room, making her inhale sharply at the sound. Her eyes close and she breathes slowly; it’s what she does in school when she’s reached her limit with kids. Cool down and breathe.

  Who would have believed that almost a year ago, it was Shelby who was blissfully happy and I was the one trying to hold it together. Life has a funny way of changing things when you least expect them.

  “Oh, Mia, I’m a horrible mother.” I wrap my arms around her petite frame and hug her as she begins to cry.

  “Stop that! You are not!” I snort.

  “He cries all the time. I swear to God all he does is cry, eat and shit.” A combination of laughter and tears shudder her body. “He won’t sleep at all and I’m so freaking tired. I can’t do this.”

  I close the door behind me and follow her as she makes her way back to the screaming infant. He really is a beautiful baby even though his face is bright red and his mouth is wide open, inhaling deeply to let us knowing he’s not a happy camper. His dirty blond hair is wet and matted down from tears.

  “Help me, please.” Shelby begs.

  I didn’t realize how bad it was for her. The few times we tried to talk my phone would lose service especially when I was in Mexico. God, I feel awful. I should’ve been here for her like she asked me to be. She’s not a horrible mother; I’m a terrible friend.

  I scoop MJ up and cradle him in my arms. His screams pierce my ears and make my eyes squint. I hope I don’t have permanent hearing damage. I walk around the house with him nestled close to my chest. I sing softly to him as I rub his back, forming tiny rhythmic circles. “Go rest.” I urge Shelby. “I’m here. Go.”

  With tears in her eyes, she looks at me sadly. “You’re so good with him. You should be the one with a baby, not me. I suck.”

  “Shelby, look at me. You do not suck. Every baby is different. You can’t help it if he has his father’s temperament,” I whisper as I tease her, finally getting a smile in return.

  MJ finally falls asleep so I dash out to the Jeep to get the two bags of groceries for dinner. I want to make a nice dinner for them to show my appreciation for all they’ve done for me when Adam was here and especially when he left. They have been my solid rock.

  I’m in the kitchen holding the baby with one arm and stirring the sauce with the other. I feel like I’m playing house or something. Mike walks in the front door and goes directly upstairs to lock up his service firearm in the gun safe in their closet and then comes back down. “Mia! Hi! What—” he stutters, “What are you doing here?”

  I lean in and offer my cheek for a kiss. Mike’s fingers brush against MJ’s forehead before he leans down and kisses him, too. “Where’s my wife? And when did you get back?”

  “Your wife is taking a hot bath and I just got in a few days ago.” I pull the oven open to check on dinner.

  “A few days ago? How many days ago?” He swallows hard as he asks. He suddenly looks uneasy, suspicious even.

  “Two. Why?”

  “No reason. Just wondering.” He’s lying to me. I just know it.

  We chat about Shelby and the tough time she’s having with a newborn baby. I laugh hysterically and get shushed for almost waking the baby when he tells me that he’s just about ready to have a vasectomy because he doesn’t think they could handle another one.

  Shelby finally emerges freshly bathed, looking relaxed and calm. She lifts the lid and stirs the sauce, tasting it right off the spoon. “I don’t know how you do it. You whipped up a homemade Bolognese sauce for dinner with a screaming infant and you don’t look frazzled at all. I changed my mind. I don’t suck. You do!”

  God, I love her! I can’t wait to tell her my news.

  After dinner Mike takes the baby into the living room while Shelby and I clean up. I wish I could make a pitcher of margaritas right about now. Suddenly I’m feeling nervous.

  “So . . . I have something to tell you,” I say as I dry the last dish and hand it to her.

  “You met someone?!” Her green eyes widen.

  “No! God, why do you always think it has to do with a guy?” Motherhood has not changed her.

  “I don’t know! I just hate to see you alone, I guess.”

  Little does she know I’m not alone and I never will be again.

  I dry my hands and hang the dish towel on the oven handle, slowly turning to face her. “Shel, I’m pregnant.” I drop the bomb and wait for her reaction.

  “What? How? When? Whose? What the—” Her voice rises to a soprano like pitch while her questions come at me like darts, one after the other.

  “Relax!”

  “Relax? You just told me you’re knocked up and I’m supposed to freaking relax?”

  “Yes, calm down.” I grasp her shoulders to get her attention. “I’m about thirteen weeks along.”

  “Is it his?”

  I roll my eyes dramatically. “No, it’s Shane’s!” I laugh. “Yes, you fool, of course it’s his.” My gaze shifts downward. Neither one of us says Adam’s name anymore.

  “Holy shit! This is crazy! Wait—does he know?”

  My eyes flash to her. “No.”

  She looks at me questioningly.

  “I tried to call him, I emailed him, and I even sent a letter.” I shrug my shoulders nonchalantly. “But he never responded.” I feign indifference, but Shelby knows me almost as well as I know myself.

  “I’m sorry.” She looks at me with pity in her eyes. It
’s the same look she gave me years ago when I told her about losing Lily.

  There’s a quiet moment between us until the realization hits her and she screams, “Oh my God! You’re having a baby!”

  MJ starts to scream and Mike comes running into the kitchen after hearing what she just said. “You’re pregnant?” Shock and dismay mar his face instead of mirroring the happiness like that of his wife. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Michael! What’s wrong with you? What the hell is your problem?” Shelby hollers at her husband whose face is almost as red as the baby’s.

  “Who’s the father? Is it Adam’s?” His hands begin to shake as he gives the baby to Shelby. He storms out of the room mumbling something about killing the bastard.

  Shelby and I stand there, dumbfounded, not knowing what the hell just happened. Even Josh didn’t get that upset. The front door opens and slams shut. I guess my news wasn’t welcomed by all.

  “Don’t worry about him. He’s overreacting. Why the hell does he care anyway?”

  “Yeah, that was not the reaction I was expecting from him,” I confess.

  “Here, do your thing.” The baby is placed in my arms as Shelby goes in search of her husband.

  Late that night as I’m brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I get a text from a restricted number again. “I’m only here for a few more days. I’d like to see you before I leave. You know where to meet me.” I nearly choke on the toothpaste. Adam is back.

  He stars in my dream that night like he does so often, but this dream feels so real. His hands undress me, pulling my shirt over my head to expose my full breasts. I feel his tongue circle my nipple, biting lightly until they’re stiff. The throb between my legs is so intense and I need more. I rip away his clothes so that he’s standing in front of me in all his glory and I drop to my knees, spreading my thighs to make room for my protruding belly. His rigid length is perfect and it’s all mine. I lick the sensitive tip and slide my tongue along the underneath until I open my mouth and take all of him in.

  “Oh my God, Mia. Just like that. Oh God. That feels so fucking good.” He holds himself at the base; my lips touch his fingers while his other hand guides my head. Over and over I lick and suck, giving and taking pleasure at the same time.

  I look up to see him staring down at me with adoration in his dark eyes. “You are so beautiful.” He tilts his head back as he closes his eyes, thrusting his narrow hips forward until he can control it no longer. He releases and comes deep in my mouth.

  “I love you. Let me love you.” He pulls me up gently before laying me across the bed. His tongue plunges into my mouth, tasting himself and savoring it. My eyes close in anticipation as he kisses his way over my body from my heavy breasts, to my belly and finally to my warm, needy flesh. He devours me. I come so hard when he slides two fingers into me, circling around while adding pressure to my sensitive spot. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I don’t ever want it to end.

  I wake up early the next morning with my hand in my drenched panties and a smile on my face.

  After showering quickly and changing into my running shorts and tank top, I throw my hair into my Patriots ball cap. Thankfully my bump isn’t showing yet; I don’t think anyone will notice and I’m not ready to share my news with the world. I literally have to talk myself out an anxiety attack when I think about coming face to face with Adam. Part of me wants to run away and not tell him, but I know that’s what Johanna did and he never forgave her. Part of me wants to get all dressed up to confront him, but then that would mean that I cared. I’m trying really hard not to care. I’ll listen to what he has to say and tell him some news of my own. What he does with it is up to him. It’s his business, his call.

  I start out with a slow pace, trying to control the rhythm and the racing of my heart. I round the corner at the park entrance and look around. I don’t see the Escalade or the Camaro anywhere. I know he’ll be at the summit; it was our place. I feel badly for leaving Brady home this morning, but I don’t need a distraction and I have to stick to my plan.

  Breathing slowly to ease a cramp in my side, I pace back and forth by a picnic table and wait for it to subside. I check my phone and wonder how long I should wait for him. For all I know he could already be up there waiting for me.

  “Hey, you!” A man’s voice calls me and I turn around. I inhale deeply as I slowly and deliberately turn around to face him. Blonde hair and blue eyes greet me. I release the breath I was holding.

  “Hi, Shane.” I smile. “How are you?” I notice he’s wearing khakis and a polo shirt not his usual running gear. His hair is cut shorter and his face is completely shaven. He looks good like he always does. He looks older than normal. We both lean in for a hug at the same time.

  “I’m good.” His face lights up as he steps back.

  “Where are you going dressed like that? You’re not running today?” I nod at his appearance.

  “No, I’ve got to head out soon, but I wanted to talk to you before I start my new job.”

  “New job? What new job?” I ask in confusion because school doesn’t start for another month.

  “I took a position as an assistant principal . . . in Massachusetts. I leave in two days.”

  “No, shit! Good for you! That’s awesome.” I congratulate him. He’ll be a great administrator. I’m just thankful he won’t be at my school.

  “Is it really?” He looks directly at me, searching for something.

  “Yeah, definitely.” I get this uneasy feeling and I’m pretty certain that it’s not related to my pregnancy.

  “Mia.” He reaches out to touch my shoulder. “I . . . I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. I’ll always care about you.” There is sadness in his eyes.

  Sometimes I wish he could’ve been what I needed. I wish he never came to the bar last year or had sex with Gina in the bathroom that night. I would like to think that we could’ve been something. But realistically, he’s a man who is led by his dick and deep down is probably just as selfish as the rest of them.

  “Shane—” my words are cut off abruptly when his mouth crushes against mine. My mind is reeling because instead of pushing him away, I pull him closer and deepen the kiss. It feels so good to be kissed like this. His tongue slips in and dances with mine. He tastes of cinnamon gum. Reality smacks me hard when I realize what I’m doing and I push him away, covering my face in humiliation. Damn pregnancy hormones!

  “Mia, I’m sorry . . . I shouldn’t have done that.” He pulls back and casts his eyes to his brown shoes.

  “Shane, stop. Just stop. It’s not your fault. We shouldn’t have done that.” I face him.

  “Please tell me that I’m not imaging how I feel. Please tell me you feel something, too.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I feel or don’t feel. You’re leaving and I’m pre—” I shut my mouth.

  “You’re what?”

  Oh shit! I think quickly. “I’m presently unavailable, emotionally.” Whew! “I don’t know if I’ll ever be available.”

  A suspicious look passes over his face as his eyes drop to my midsection. He knows better than to make fun of my weight.

  “Okay. I get it.” He looks at his watch. “I’ve got to head out.”

  “It was good to see you.” I smile.

  “Thank you for meeting me. I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you.”

  And my whole world stops.

  “What did you say?” I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “What? I wanted to see you. Remember I texted you last night?”

  Everything around me starts to spin and I feel faint.

  “Mia, are you okay?” he asks when I reach for his arm for support. “You don’t look so good all of a sudden.”

  I sit on the long wooden bench of the picnic table and drop my head between my knees and breathe slowly, taking long deep breaths. Shane texted me. Not Adam.

  “The number that you texted me from, what is it?”

&
nbsp; “It’s a restricted number because I was having some problems . . . long story, but I have an app that allows me to send and receive texts or calls from only certain people.”

  “I didn’t know it was you.”

  “I guess not!” He laughs, “I thought it was a little rude when you never texted back on your birthday.” He’s teasing me.

  My heart cracks. All along it was Shane who texted me from that number and here I thought Adam actually gave a shit about me. How fucking stupid am I?

  He opens the app on his phone and shows me the list of people who can see his number. My number is not listed.

  “I’m sorry. I thought it was someone else.”

  His phone rings just as he stands. “It’s the movers. I gotta go. Can I call you sometime?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.” I stand and hug him goodbye. I feel my nipples stiffen against his hard chest. I don’t know why I said that; it’s a lie. I don’t want him to call me. In fact, I don’t want anyone to call me.

  I reach the summit in record time. My legs dangle over the edge as I look out over the town. I see my school. I see my house. I see the vacant lot with a yellow excavator parked at its entrance. I begin my one-sided conversation with my father.

  I cry myself to sleep that night, listening to Daughtry, and pray that tomorrow will be the day that I’m finally over him.

  Adam

  A MAGNIFICENT DISPLAY of huge, colorful fireworks light up the night sky, their embers dying out just before they touch the ocean. The oversized blanket that we sit on is surrounded by families all wearing red, white and blue; their collective sounds of ooohs and ahhhs are heard as is the band on the boardwalk that plays lively Patriotic music.

  My father’s girlfriend, Monica, thought it would be cute to dress Maddie and her granddaughter in matching cutoff denim shorts and red, white and blue tank tops that show off their midriff. Their shorts are way too short for my liking; my daughter is my little girl and I don’t ever want her to think that it’s okay for people to look at her like that.