Madness or Purpose

by Megan Perry

  “When I am asleep, I cannot use logic. It seems as though, I can only feel and then whatever emotions are evoked by my mind dictates my actions. I know it’s all stupid and that nothing would ever happen, but I can’t seem to overpower it and yes, I did enjoy myself, did you?” He asks. “Always,” I answer with a wink and sly smile. Gavin reaches down and pulls the covers up over us.

  We sleep until the sun streams through the dirty window and the dog begins to whine from the other room for food. Gavin lets me lay there while he takes care of the dog. I slip into the bathroom to relieve myself and then slip back into the warmth of the covers. Gavin returns shortly after and pulls the curtain over the window. Once he slides under the covers he pulls me into his arms. “I know what you did with Dominic last night. You were thinking about it in your sleep which is why I think I had that nightmare.” I swallow hard and I can feel my face blush a bit with shame that I hadn’t told him or forced myself to come back down into the bar to show him. “I get it. I mean, I understand that you are going to have friends and you weren’t even aware of how you did it. I also understand that he has a lot of knowledge and experience that can help you. I know that you and I are connected, but that your mental capabilities will always outweigh my own.

  As you should know, my healing abilities will probably always outweigh yours.”

  “Zoe, will you show me what it’s like when you do that “dream walking” thing?” Gavin asks. “Of course, can it wait until we really wake up?” I ask in return. “Sure, now you get over here and I’ll keep you warm.” He replies with a wink as he pulls me in even closer. We lay there in silence for a while and then drift off to sleep for a couple more hours. As we sleep we share our thoughts and dreams and begin to plan how to find my little brother and save him from the evil guardians that I can feel searching him out. We can’t go alone, we need back up so that we can intimidate whomever we come across. I don’t exactly want to use my identity to scare anyone off. I’d rather Gavin and I remain unknown even by my brother until needed. I haven’t gotten the hang of myself yet, and I don’t want any casualties if it can be avoided, and we don’t need anyone doubting us when it is realized by all good and evil Guardians that we have been found. Dominic and Natasha seem to be our best bet at this point. Each shares ability with us and will help us if we ever need it. I guess sometimes even those meant to save us all need a bit of help now and then.

  As I sleep I see his eyes staring back at me. He can’t see me, but he’s searching. He cries out but I hear nothing only silence. The contortion of his face tells me he is in great distress and in the depths of his eyes is sadness too great for his youth. His dark hair is messy and dirt streaks his face. Leo’s eyes held a great knowledge for his age. I mean the letter stated that he wrote and made contact what 4

  year old could do that? This kid must be a freaking genius and a guardian. My family is a mess and somehow I’d rather it be this way than to continue thinking they didn’t exist and that my mother merely gave birth to me and abandoned me. With the small amount of this world I have begun to see, I now understand the danger my life was in. I wish I could reach out to him and tell him I’m coming for him. I don’t know how. I could try that whole “dream walking” thing, but it may be better if he doesn’t know what I look like. I have no idea who has him or is after him and how invasive they are in his mind.

  I can barely keep up my walls I could only imagine how difficult it is for him.

  I mean it’s obvious he is trying to contact me, but can I risk exposure to let him know? I know Gavin is seeing him too as we sleep and as our consciousness mingles. What a crappy spot to be in. Fear constricts me and pushes me onward.

  I never asked for this. I wish I could wake up and it would all just be a dream. If only I was that kind of lucky.

  An Unconscious Cry for Help

  I can hear rustling outside.

  I hold my breath and curl tighter into my small ball. I’m not large and I’m not loud, but if I slip up they’ll find me and I can’t go back there. I’m just getting my eyesight back and I think the gashes on my back are starting to heal. It feels wonderful not to have an IV in my arm and no electrical treatments. I may only be like 5, but I’m smart enough to know that no living creature should be treated as I have. I may not have the developed language of an adult and I may not be knowledgeable in the ways of society and the earth, but I am something more than merely a child. I know right and wrong and if I’m lucky I know how to hold my breath just long enough that they will give up and move on.

  I can concentrate with all the mental strength I can muster up and manage to go into a trance like state where my body temperature lowers and my body functions minimize, sort of like hibernation. I am mentally aware, but at some point I usually lose consciousness and wake up hours later. I used to be able to do it for a longer periods of time and even come out of it on my own, but in the past few months they have been giving me less and less to eat and I just don’t have it in me.

  If I can manage it just once more I might buy just enough time to truly escape.

  I take a long, deep, quiet breath and close my eyes. I focus on her face and the effect is almost instant. I feel my body shiver and relax in seconds the blackness takes me over and I can only hope that if a higher power truly exists that it grants me another chance at freedom.

  As quickly as the darkness falls upon me I feel almost a tingling in my mind, like a flickering light. My brain begins to rummage through snippets of memories. I think I hear voices and see faces. I know I’m not conscious because I see everything through a foggy haze. In my mind, fog is sort of silvery and definitely not normal. I see her smile and her long dark hair falling over her shoulders and her necklace dangling about her neck. I loved the silver amulet upon it. I remember how she used to speak to me, like I was not a small helpless creature, but an intelligent being. Her stories seem like memories shared by some collective consciousness I share with her and the others. Who are these others I wonder? But, really I have no idea how I would ever know. I lose myself in the flashes of a much more peaceful time in my short life.

  I wake hours later in the darkness of the hole under the tree. I managed to crawl down inside before they crested the hill with the dogs. I don’t blame the dogs, I never did, and they only do as their dark masters ask of them for fear of their own torture. Their masters are not men, but something similar to what I am. They each resemble men and they are guardians of some kind, but in all their hunger for power and blindness from pain and rage they have forgotten important details of our kind.

  The dark guardians demand information from me that I can’t supply or more I would never supply to them. All the answers they seek are within themselves and even as a mere child with practically no education or guidance I know how to access the collective consciousness. I am not well practiced nor do I know exactly how to explain it to another, but the knowledge is not exactly protected either. I guess over centuries of insanity and pain the knowledge has been hidden deep within the brain for many.

  Once my eyes adjust I slowly uncurl my body and stretch my short three foot something frame. All the muscles in my body protest and every one of my joints ache. I am careful not to make any unnecessary movements or sounds, just in case someone happens to be around.

  It feels as though it is night. I see no visible light from the opening and I can hear owls and other night creatures in the forest. It’s now or never, I guess. I can’t remain in this hole or I’ll starve to death and leaving it may lead me straight into a trap all the same. I close my eyes one more time and concentrate on the outside sounds. I can’t feel any presences other than the animals in the area, but I can’t be sure. I am so new at everything I am never quite sure of anything. I know the ones after me are not the hiking or tracking type, thus the dogs, but I’m not that far from the town they were keeping me in. Here goes nothing.

  I army crawl up the short tunnel like hole and as the cool air hits my face I know I’ve got a cha
nce. My eyes are already adjusted to the light and the moon is full and bright. I stay quiet and listen to the sounds around me. A deer looks up from a patch of grass and once it decides I am no threat lowers its head back down to feed.

  Since the forest moves around me as it should and not a single animal appears nervous I quickly and quietly move through the forest towards the north where I stashed supplies and I’ll go as far as I can before the sun rises. I think my best bet is to travel by night for a while and hide during the day. I sneak around a few country yards and snag some clothes from low hanging clothes lines and snatch a pair of shoes off a back porch. I know this all seems rather impossible for a child of my age, but as I stated I am more than just a small boy. The longer I am alive the more I seem to be able to access some form of collective knowledge. I can’t put it all in to words, but I can use the information to my advantage.

  I once again find a secluded area in the forest and find a small cavern like area to spend the day in. I make sure that the entrance isn’t much larger than I am and I make sure the area looks over grown and hard to get to. I wrap a worn blanket around me and roll up a bundle of clothes as a pillow and quickly drift off to sleep. I awake after a long day of rest just as the sun is setting. I remain in my hiding place until the darkness is full just in case the area I chose to hide away is visible in the light. I snack on some dry bread and other tidbits I was able to snag from trash cans last night behind a gas station. I am far from the city at this point and I plan to keep going in a northern direction until I know I am far from those dark guardians. As I set out tonight I think I shall try and find a better hiding place for a few days to gain some strength and rest up. I’m still having problems seeing and I hurt even after hours and hours of sleeping, grant it, the cold hard ground isn’t much of a cushion.

  As I venture from my hiding place I listen carefully as always and feel with all my senses to be sure I am alone. I keep my direction and half way through the night I come upon the edge of a large farm. I make my way along the outskirts being sure not to rouse the cattle or alert any other animals. While I observe the farm animals and look at the layout I notice a barn out at the far northern corner of the land. I see farm cats going in and out of a hole in the back of the barn. I creep closer and see that the whole is plenty big enough for me to get into. It’s not freezing out, but it’s cold and it could snow at anytime. I follow the cats inside and see that they are entering at the back of a large storage area for hay and straw. I notice that the only way to get to where I am is through that hole and no farmer would come in a hole to get hay or straw he would come through the barn door and load up a truck or cart. I make a hollowed out area for myself and stow my pack in another hollowed area.

  Once I’m done I sneak back out of the hole. I think I see a half dug out shed or cellar a couple hundred yards from the barn in another direction. When I get to it I notice the door is padlocked, but on the backside there are a few loose boards. I am able to wiggle one loose and slip into the back of the shed. As I feel around find a stair case that leads down and I slowly take the stairs one at a time. I practically scoot on my butt to be sure I don’t fall. When I reach the bottom I see huge set of shelves full of cans and jars. I pull a small flashlight from my pocket and click it on. The beam illuminates a vast array of canned vegetables, pickled products, and even some dried and preserved items. I also notice other things like a stack of flannel shirts in a crate and other things.

  I rummage through the shirts until I happen on one that looks about the right size. I slip it on and though it’s a bit big it works nicely over my other clothes. I make sure the stack looks the same and I begin to search through the shelves for something to eat. I don’t have anything to open jars, but I should be able to find something in the barn to open whatever I choose. I take a small jar of apples, and a jar of potatoes.

  I can’t take much because I left my pack in the barn. I quietly put the board back in place and sneak back.

  I make sure to be quiet and slip in the back of the barn. I stow my stuff and crawl around to the front of the huge pile of hay bales. I could live back here for quite a while before I would have to worry about the store being depleted enough anyone would notice me. I make my way around the barn trying not to use the flashlight just in case the beam was to shine out a window or opening in the barn front. The only animals in the barn are an old milk cow with two calves and a few old goats. Most of the animals are still out in the pasture and I did notice a chicken coup. I’ll have to remember to take a couple eggs when I move on. I find some sort of tool that has enough of an edge to it to pry off the lids of the jars and each has a screw on lid too, so I should be able to refasten them and keep them for a short time. Before I return to my hiding place I see an old water cooler and tap the side. It sounds like it has water in it so I turn the handle on the spout and drink as much as I can before returning to the hay.

  I am so exhausted when I get back I dig my hole a bit deeper and cover the entrance and drift off to sleep on a the softest bed I’ve laid on in months. I wake up sometime after noon the next day and I can hear equipment outside the barn and the animals making noises. I find a hidden corner on the far end of the hay and relieve myself. I crawl back into my hiding place and open my jar of apples. I eat about half and hid it again. I crawl back into my hole and stretch out. Kittens roam the barn and come to visit me from time to time. I make sure not to speak to them in case anyone is in the barn. I drift in and out of sleep all day and dream about what might have been if I was still with my mother and what might be in the future. While I am dreaming I remember my mother telling me something about a family. She never mentioned a dad, but I remember stories about a girl. I think she was a sister. While I dream I search through my memories and to be safe I try to go into a trance like state so I don’t make any noise.

  Eventually the sun fades and I hear a man’s voice. He is talking to the animals in the barn and as his voice fades I hear the huge door slide closed. I lie in the warmth of the hay for a couple hours longer and finish off my apples. I decide I should keep the jar and fill it with water when I go. When I am sure the farmer has retired for the night I sneak back out of the hole and slowly come around the barn. I check to see that all the lights are out in the house and that no one is out and about in the yard. While I was in the barn I smelled meat drying in some sort of a smoke house. As I make my way around the barn yard I locate the small smoke house. I slowly approach it and notice that the door is latched but only with a hook and it looks as though the smoke has stopped rising from the chimney so the fire should be out. I have to get a bucket from the yard to reach the latch. I gently lift it and let the door open. As the door opens the wonderful smell hits me and I can’t remember ever being this hungry. I make sure to only take small amounts from the back or pieces that weren’t secured correctly and fell. I make sure to re-latch the door and put the bucket back. I hurry back to the barn and slip into the dark warm hide away. I eat one chunk and place the rest in my empty jar and screw the lid on tight. I start in on my potatoes and make a meal of it. Once I am full to just about bursting I hide everything away, deep in the hay and snuggle into my little bed.

  While I sleep her name comes to me, Zoe. Her name is Zoe and she is somehow related to me. I think back through everything my mother used to tell me and all the things she used to show me. While I drifted in and out of sleep I fiddled with the amulet around my neck. Mom gave it to me and told me every night to guard it well. I am so glad I was able to steal it back when I escaped. I don’t think it really does anything for me, but I might just give me some sort of means to find help.

  While I dream bits and pieces of information come back to me and other images and pieces of the puzzle seem to fit together and make sense. I have no idea why I chose to go north, but where I am feels too far south. I have to keep going north. I stole a compass and my mother used to point out the North Star in a book that depicted the night sky. I don’t know who this Zoe is or where she
’s at, but I know she is my only hope. As I wake in the late afternoon I hear rain pummeling the roof of the barn, and I know that if it doesn’t clear off I’ll need to stay here another day before I can gather some final supplies and move on. My eye sight is pretty much back to normal and I don’t ache in every joint as before.

  The rain stops in the next day and I spend the afternoon planning what I need to steal and take several naps. As soon as the farmer retires to the house for dinner I crawl out of my hiding place and start messing up the temporary home I created. It should look like animals were back here not a person. I make my way to the cellar again and take some more preserved vegetables and I stop by the smoke house and get some more scraps. Today the meat is drier and it’s probably best so I can keep it longer. I can’t be sure when I will find food this nice again. I make my way off the north end of the property and one of the many farm dogs follows me through the woods. I don’t mind the company, and if it wards off anything or anyone out here it can be of some use. The dog pads along a few yards ahead of me apparently scouting the way.

  As the sun begins to lighten the sky I scout for a place to hide for the day and the dog still hangs around.

  It seems to pick up on what I want and it too searches for somewhere. After about 10 minutes of not seeing the dog it appears suddenly in front of me whining and dancing around. It jogs a few paces and turns to look at me, so I follow it for about five minutes and there in a well covered area is a nice sized hideaway for me well off any paths, but high enough up that if it rains again or snows I won’t be drowning or get buried alive. As I crawl in and check it out the dog disappears. I settle in and pull out some of the food I stole. I don’t fill up, but eat enough to keep off the hunger. I settle in and let my mind wander. A short time later the dog crawls into the hiding place and snuggles up next to me. It doesn’t beg for food or even really acknowledge my presence.